


SUICIDE SQUAD

by incarnato



Series: SUICIDE SQUAD [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Police, Angst, Blood and Violence, Drug Use, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, Gun Violence, Implied/Referenced Terrorism, Light BDSM, M/M, Manipulation, Power Dynamics, Terrorism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-10-24 17:06:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 103,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17708261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incarnato/pseuds/incarnato
Summary: The Seoul Squad of the police’s Special Operations Unit gets a new commander, and to police officer Jung Wooyoung’s surprise it is his army buddy Choi San. Wooyoung’s feelings for San are rekindled, but they are met with a cold response. When San takes on an important mission, it is the squad’s duty to perform and finish the job according to protocol. San appoints Wooyoung to lead the squad, but when the mission takes an unexpected turn, San is forced to admit his feelings towards Wooyoung.





	1. DOA: Dead On Arrival

**Author's Note:**

  * For [petrovacharm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/petrovacharm/gifts).



> This is an introductory chapter to what is likely going to be a 4-6 part series. 
> 
> All the members of ATEEZ are considerably older, given that they have all served in the army.  
> As a reference point, Wooyoung and San are about 25.
> 
> This fanfiction is going to be explicit, so please refer to the tags when deciding whether this is suitable for you.
> 
> Please leave a comment, I am open to constructive criticism!  
> Also if you have any questions, please ask!

“POLICE! POLICE!”

 

Wooyoung grabbed his gun from his holster, pointing straight at the man who appeared from the shed in the meadow a hundred meters in front of him. His colleagues did the same thing, standing in formation next to him.

 

The man stumbled forwards.

 

“POLICE! POLICE! PUT YOUR HANDS UP WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!” San stood next to him and shouted at full volume to the man in the field.

 

The man put his hands in the air and stumbled again.

 

“Does he have a gun on him? Can you see Seonghwa-ssi?” San looked over his shoulder to Seonghwa, who leaned over the car roof and was looking through binoculars.

 

“I can’t see. He has to remove his clothes – if he can manage. He looks drunk,” Seonghwa informed.

 

San shouted at full volume again. “REMOVE YOUR CLOTHES! I REPEAT – REMOVE YOUR CLOTHES NOW.”

 

Wooyoung saw how the man looked kind of bewildered and was debating whether to keep his hands up or to remove his shirt.

 

“REMOVE YOUR SHIRT! REMOVE YOUR SHIRT NOW!!”

 

“YES! YES!” They could hear the man shouting suddenly and he began to remove his shirt in an awkward manner.

 

He heard how San let out a sigh of relief. It was not loud and maybe only he could hear it. But San seemed to be very calm and in control.

 

“NOW REMOVE YOUR PANTS.” The man followed San’s command, even though he tripped over his feet while doing so. Wooyoung adjusted his aim accordingly, and he noticed San flashing a look at him before refocusing on the man.

 

“NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR AND WALK SLOWLY TOWARDS US.”

 

The man had realised the severity of the situation and followed up the commands in a quicker manner. When he was within ten meters of their group San gave his next commands.

 

“TURN AROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD. NOW SLOWLY WALK BACKWARDS.”

 

The man turned around and had to think for a second how to walk backwards. As he did, San then spoke to Wooyoung in a normal voice tone. “You go cuff him.” He then looked at his colleague Mingi. “You bring him to the ground.”

 

Wooyoung nodded and secured his gun in his holster. He retrieved the handcuffs from his belt and walked towards the man. Mingi approached the man first and kicked him in the back of his knees to bring him to the ground. He then brought him face down to the ground and put a knee on his back. Wooyoung kneeled down beside the man. He was shaking and breathing hard and let out a whimper as he put the first cuff on his right hand. He brought the hand to his lower back, then grabbed the other hand and brought it to his already cuffed hand to cuff it as well. Mingi held on to the man’s cuffed hands as Wooyoung retrieved a thick blindfold from his belt pouch.

 

“I have nothing on me, please stop hurting me,” the man squealed.

 

“We are going to blindfold you now. Follow the commands and you will not be hurt,” Wooyoung announced. He put the blindfold over the man’s eyes.

 

“Get him up,” San said who stood behind him. Wooyoung and Mingi grabbed the man under his armpits and raised him up. San went to stand in front of the now disoriented man.

 

Wooyoung exchanged looks with San and saw a look of accomplishment in his eyes. He knew the mission went well now that the man was cuffed and blindfolded. San then turned to the man to finish protocol and ask him the necessary questions.

 

“NOW LISTEN TO ME. ARE YOU IN POSSESSION OF ANY FIREARMS?” San raised his voice again.

 

“I don’t have any firearms, I don’t know what you are talking about,” the man whimpered.

 

“ANSWER YES OR NO. ARE YOU IN POSSESSION OF FIREARMS?” San leaned towards the man as he shouted the question towards him.

 

“No!” The man said in a panic.

 

“ARE THERE ANY FIREARMS IN THE SHED? DO YOU HAVE EXPLOSIVES IN THE SHED? ARE THERE OTHER PERSONS IN THE SHED? ARE THERE ANY WOUNDED?” San kept shouting and firing his questions away at the man.

 

Wooyoung looked at San, at the way his jaw moved as he shouted his commands, how his eyes scanned the man’s body and how he held his hands tightly behind his back. Soon his commands became white noise as the searching helicopter above them became louder and Wooyoung could only stare at San’s enticing face.

 

 

 

 

At the station the agents clapped their hands. San stood in front of the whiteboard as he received his applause. The mission was completed and everyone was happy it went well. It was San’s first major mission as the new commander of the Seoul squad of the Special Operations Unit. And he did well, surprisingly well.

 

Wooyoung removed his helmet and his ski mask. He sat down at the coffee table, adjusting his belt and removing his gloves. He was excited about the mission’s success, maybe even more than San himself. For one thing, he hoped after this success San was going to warm up to the team. Even more, he hoped that San was finally going to relax and come over to him for a chat.

 

The moment he had heard San was joining their team, he couldn’t believe it. Was San, his buddy from the army, going to join his squad? And not only that, as their commander?

 

He knew San had joined the police too after their military service. However, they had been in different divisions. Wooyoung joined the Special Operations Unit upon leaving the army. They had applauded him on his discipline and his aptitude to follow orders perfectly. In addition, his skills in shooting firearms and his athletic condition made him the perfect candidate for the special forces. He could have stayed in the army, but his corporal had suggested him to apply to the police.

 

San had been different. He did well in the army, but did not want to be there initially. When he joined the army, he had just finished his master’s degree in law. He was forced to join the army because of the mandatory military service for all Korean men. As much as he wanted to work as an attorney, he first had to serve. But during his service it was suggested to him he should join the investigation team at the police to solve crimes and murders. Apparently his interest was piqued and he took the job.

 

When word came their commander was going to be transferred to Busan and they were going to get a new commander, Wooyoung did not think much of it. But when they told him it was going to be someone from the investigation team, he was intrigued. What skillset did this person have for them to be transferred from the investigation team to the Special Operations Unit?

 

When they informed the team it was going to be Choi San, Wooyoung’s heart had begun pounding harder. His buddy from the army – no, his best friend from the army was going to join their team. Wooyoung could not deny the excitement he had felt and the shivers that went down his spine as he realized the extent of that announcement. He would once again be in the company of San, a man he had come to love during his time in the army. The things they went through during that time, how they always had each other’s back despite the circumstances and the harsh conditions they were in, it had left a big impression on Wooyoung. But San had not been a normal army buddy to him. No, there was more that happened between San and Wooyoung during their time in the army.

 

As Wooyoung took a sip of his hot coffee that Mingi had placed in front of him, he remembered that one strange day during a training out in the woods.

 

 

 

In the army there were always trainings where they had to camp out in the woods for a few days and practice their survival skills and marksmanship. During those trainings they would sleep out in the woods in tents that they would set up themselves and there was no way to clean themselves besides swimming in nearby lakes. They got sweaty and dirty from digging holes in the ground which functioned as trenches to shoot from. They then had to keep watch in these trenches during the night, which resulted in a lack of sleep and a lack of hygiene.

 

During one of these trainings, he and San had been in the same team with six other guys. After two days they had already become pretty exhausted and despite being able to clean themselves with some water from a creek they all still had a pretty bad smell. The tents they had to sleep in were small this time and they had to puzzle how to get all their sleeping bags inside the tent. The smell was awful inside the tent, but it was too cold outside to sleep outside of the tent. Wooyoung lay near the entrance, because he had to keep watch that night. When Youngcheol finally took over his watch, he went inside the tent exhausted. San was lying in his sleeping bag next to his and since there was so little space he had to squeeze inside his sleeping bag close next to San. He struggled a bit, since he had to lie on his side for him to fit into the tiny space. He put his lock on his rifle and since he had to sleep with his rifle, he lay faced away from San to put his rifle in front of his body inside his sleeping bag. Finally settled, he felt how constricted he was inside his sleeping bag and how little he was able to move as he felt San’s body behind him.

 

Now since they were in the army, there was no privacy at all. The men had to work together in teams under harsh conditions and that meant that there was no time for embarrassment when it came to their bodies. They trained together, they ate together, they showered together and they slept together. Everyone had seen everyone’s body naked and there was no shame involved. After the first two times they had showered together, there was no facing to the showerheads anymore. When they slept out in the open or in the tents during trainings, huddling together or hugging each other because of the cold was not uncommon but rather the norm. And Wooyoung often cuddled his buddy a lot, since he felt cold so often. But as San lay behind him, he felt no warmth coming from him but was rather met with a cold and stiff body.

 

It must be his rifle that is positioned right at my back, Wooyoung thought and he felt behind him. His hand traced over San’s waist and then his stomach, when suddenly his hand was grabbed by San with force. He was surprised by the action and wanted to take back his hand, but San held onto it tightly.

 

“What…” when Wooyoung tried to say something he was caught off guard by sudden heavy breathing in his ear. The heavy breathing came so suddenly that he stopped talking immediately. San continued breathing down his ear and without really realizing it, it did something to Wooyoung. It was probably from the lack of sleep that he didn’t really register what San did next.

 

San placed a soft wet kiss right under Wooyoung’s jaw and a shiver went down his spine. The alarming thing was that he heard it, he heard the loud smacking of his kiss echo in his ear and how he did it again and again.

 

Wooyoung felt dizzy. He didn’t know what was happening and he didn’t know how he felt about it. But before he knew it his body was responding to it. He writhed under San’s grip as he tried to pull back his hand, but San only responded by grinding up on him. It was then that he realized what had felt so stiff against his back. It was San’s big and hard erection.

 

Before he wanted to protest – or could protest – San released his hand and grabbed his face to kiss him. Wooyoung felt his stomach contract, shocked by the sudden move and the warmth that had entered his mouth. He was afraid the kiss could be heard by the others, as the smacking sound was ringing in his ears, but more so he was afraid how aroused he had gotten from San’s bold move and how much he enjoyed it.

 

San’s eyes were closed and he was clawing his hair. He moved his mouth, kissing him harder as he pushed in his tongue. The thought – isn’t this weird? – went through his head once. But when San deepened the kiss and he heard the smallest moan coming from his throat, Wooyoung responded to the kiss.

 

Suddenly San broke of the kiss and stared into Wooyoung’s eyes. His stare was so intense and he felt his cheeks becoming red. When he wasn’t sure what he was going to do, San grabbed his hand again. He stroked it, pushed his thumb over the palm of his hand, all the while staring into his eyes. Then slowly, he guided his hand down inside his sleeping bag until it landed on his throbbing cock.

 

Wooyoung looked at him bewildered. Did he… Did he want him to stroke him? To jack him off? San looked at him with a sultry but sleepy look. As he pushed down Wooyoung’s hand to palm his cock, he leaned in to give him another kiss.

 

At this point Wooyoung could have stopped. He could have pulled back his hand, turned around and grasped onto his cold, stiff rifle. But the warmth that had filled his entire body, the aching in his stomach that had felt so good could not be ignored.

 

He had jerked off San that night. San had laid his head in the crook of Wooyoung’s neck and had breathed hard, continuously breathing harder and harder as he neared his climax. When he came, he had trembled and moaned leaving Wooyoung stunned and beyond confused. That day he could hear nothing but the unsteady breathing sounds San had made echoing in his ears. And he knew that something had changed between them, even if San never brought it up after that night and never tried it again.

 

He wanted to talk about it, but there was never a moment they were alone. Wooyoung tried approaching the subject in the weeks after it happened. But every time he asked San if they could talk in private, he would refuse and say with an indifferent look “what is there to talk about?”

 

After a while he gave up. He figured that this had been a one time thing for San. Maybe he wasn’t even into him, he might have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time, there for San to relieve him from his sexual frustration. What was the difference between Wooyoung’s hand and his own hand anyway?

 

It bothered Wooyoung a lot. But what bothered him exactly, he couldn’t figure out. Was it because he had used him for his sexual pleasure without his consent? Was it because he had made their friendship awkward? Or was it because he had enjoyed it so much it now left him confused?

 

The weird gut feeling he got whenever San looked at him never seemed to disappear during his time in the army. And when it came time they had to part because their military service was done, the emptiness made his heart wrench. He realised that when San had kissed him in his neck and breathed unevenly in his ear, he had been completely captured by his whole being. From that day on, Wooyoung did not think about anyone else but him.

 

When he saw San walking into the office on his first working day, the gut feeling had returned in full force. He didn’t know where to look or how to act when he saw San again after what was more than a year. Well, he had seen him, but only fleetingly during meetings with the investigation team. They had exchanged looks, but they hadn’t talked in those moments. He now hoped for so much more, catching up and talking about their private lives, reminiscing about memories from the army and laughing about them. But when Wooyoung approached San, he seemed distant and professional assuming his position as commander right away. His heart ached – even though he had been away from San for such a long time the feelings he had gotten for him hadn’t disappeared. And now that San was in his vicinity again, it became even harder for Wooyoung to deny the obvious feelings he had for him. But San’s demeanour was like it had been in the army after the incident – cold and indifferent, showing none of his emotions.

 

They were now a few weeks in since San’s appointment, and they did have conversations. But they were about the job, about the missions and the discussions concerning raids and take overs. Wooyoung understood that San was taking his job serious and didn’t leave much room to chat with his new colleagues. He knew that San wanted to impress the boss to secure his new job as he was still in the testing phase. But after this successful mission, where they had to arrest a man who was suspected to be in the possession of firearms, San could be sure of his position. Wooyoung hoped that it would give him incentive to finally start talking to him.

 

 

 

 

Wooyoung took another sip of his coffee. He had gotten quite cold from the arrest, they were out in the mountains since morning and had to wait for all the units to be in place and then for the commands that followed. All in all the mission had taken about three hours, excluding the preparations.

 

“Ain’t he the new com-man-der,” Seonghwa pulled back the seat beside him and sat down. He laughed as he bumped Wooyoung’s shoulder with his fist.

 

Wooyoung grinned and looked down. The other colleagues followed their example and sat down at the coffee table, while San awkwardly scratched his head and received their loud congratulations. There was a smile on his face, a beautiful bright smile and Wooyoung hoped to see it more often. San grabbed a black marker and tried to convince the men to remain calm because they still had to discuss how the mission went.

 

“It went great commander now let’s drink coffee and eat this cake we bought you!” Jongho said as he opened up a box with cake.

 

San laughed and shook his head. He uncapped his marker and turned to the whiteboard. “Let’s first recap the mission and then we will have cake.”

 

Wooyoung leaned to Seonghwa and whispered. “He sure is the new commander.”

 

They recapped the mission and to Wooyoung’s surprise, San brought attention to the mistakes they had made. Minor mistakes were normal during these kind of missions, it was good to discuss them but it seemed that San was striving for perfection. He even mentioned the one mistake he had made, how he had forgotten to ask if anyone of the team got hurt during the actual arrest. “We were fine,” Mingi tried to say, but San insisted.

 

“Thank you all for your hard work. I am thrilled to see the great teamwork in this squad and how hard everyone works to have a smooth and casualty free arrest,” San finished of the meeting.

 

“Can we have some cake now?” Jungho asked while grabbing the box.

 

“Yes, we’ll have cake. Just one more thing. Tomorrow I want to discuss our next important mission. It is something I have been working on in the investigation team as well and requires us to work together with some of the other SOU squads in Seoul. The meeting is planned for the morning and you all need to be there, since there is a lot of important information to be given on the suspects and the locations.”

 

The team nodded in response and Jongho went on to serve out the cake. San said down and they all had a chat with coffee and cake. When it was time for them to work on some administrative work for the day, San stood up and announced he was going to check with the superintendent on the mission’s aftermath.

 

Then he said, “Will I see you guys at the gym later?” And while he said it, his eyes landed on Wooyoung and lingered there. Only when Wooyoung said yes, San nodded and went on his way. Left behind in his absence, Wooyoung’s heart was pounding vigorously against his chest.

 

 

 

When Wooyoung started working with the police, he received some extra training particular to the job that he hadn’t gotten in the army. The psychological test was done to make sure he was fit to work in the Special Operations Unit, even though he had had a similar test upon arrival at the army base. The fitness of his physique was a given, since he had no difficulties completing his military service. However, he needed to keep working out to keep in top condition which was required for this job.

 

That was why almost every day, Wooyoung was found in the police department’s gym. Here he would do weight training and some cardio. In addition there were mandatory martial arts classes on Tuesday and Friday. During his own time he would do one of his own workout plans which he rotated during the week. He always made sure that there was a good combination of weight training in the schedules, so as to make sure not to get any injuries or becoming too sore. He even stretched 5 minutes before his workout and 5 minutes after.

 

Today his stretching session was rather stressful, when it was often a moment for him to relax a little. But he couldn’t forget how San had looked at him after the meeting was done and how he had waited for him to give his answer. Why did he need to know he was going to the gym? Did he want to talk to him finally? What was he going to say?

 

He couldn’t help but imagine that San would meet him in the Gym to reminisce about their time together in the army. Even if he would just say he was happy to be in their team together with him, it would mean the world to Wooyoung.

 

But the thought stressed him out too, because he couldn’t deny how San’s presence made him feel. During the few weeks that San had been in their team, Wooyoung had to control himself not to look too often in his way, or to stand too close to him during a briefing.

 

Sure, his cold demeanour had made it easier for him not to think too much about the feelings he had for San. But the idea that San was going to meet him in the gym today, did make his train of thoughts revolve around him. Wooyoung liked San, more than a friend. Every time he looked at him, he simply could not see him as just a friend, because the memory of their kiss was burned on his retina. And every time he had to suppress the thought of kissing him again.

 

The gym door opened and he saw how San entered the room. He was dressed in a navy sweatpants and t-shirt with the logo of their police department on it. With a towel in his hand and a determined look on his face, he went straight to the treadmill and didn’t even look once in his way.

 

Great, Wooyoung thought, San was back with his cold expressions and silent treatment. He had done this more since he was in their team, entering the gym and going straight for the equipment to start his routine right away. His other colleagues often had a chat with the others or they at least had the decency to great those that were present. But San was always on a mission.

 

Wooyoung sighed. He grabbed his water bottle and stood up. There wasn’t going to be any conversation that would make his heart flutter today. He might as well go hard in the gym today and regret it tomorrow. Right now his disappointment made him angry and he needed to put that anger into his workout so as to get rid of it.

 

As he was racing on a bike in the corner of the gym with loud music in his ear, he was suddenly tapped on the shoulder. Surprised he slowed down his pace and ripped out his left earbud.

 

“Hey, can I bother you for a second?” There he was. San stood beside his machine with a straight face. His question was determined, and he stared intently into into Wooyoung’s eyes.

 

Taken aback, Wooyoung answered immediately. “Sure, what’s up?”

 

San looked over his shoulder. “Come on, let’s get out of this gym where we can talk quietly.”

 

San turned around and went for the door. Wooyoung didn’t even have time to answer him and awkwardly got off his bike to follow San. They went through the gym door and down the hallway, to one of the small offices. San opened the door, and gestured Wooyoung to come inside.

 

Wooyoung looked around, still out of breath from his bike ride, and realized that they were in San’s office. What was this about? His mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts as he sat down in a chair following San’s example as he sat behind his desk.

 

“You must be wondering why I singled you out there just now,” San began as he folded his arms and leaned over his desk.

 

Wooyoung swallowed. He sure did wonder what this was all about, and the way San was going about it gave him shivers down his spine. So this was it, huh. Finally, after avoiding him for the first weeks he was going to address it, he thought. He became lightheaded, realizing that what he wanted from the moment San had walked into this place, was going to happen at last.

 

“Let me explain. I have to say, today’s mission took me by surprise. In a good way,” San started. Wooyoung moved in his seat, pushing back his hair.

 

“I’m reminded of your marksmanship skills in the military. I remember how you won that contest one time, do you remember?” San laughed, showing his teeth. The dimples in his cheeks appeared.

 

He remembered. He remembered their time in the army and the things they did and he wanted to talk about it! Wooyoung was elated, he wanted to jump up and shout: ‘YES! I REMEMBER!’

 

“Oh yeah, you mean that one time I won a six-pack and we got drunk that night?” Wooyoung tried to act cool, hiding a smile behind his hand.

 

San laughed awkwardly. “Uh yeah, that was quite the night right? But I meant to say that I saw those skills today as well. How quick you are in unsheathing your gun and how great your stance is.” The talk took an unexpected turn. San’s tone turned contemplative and the dimpled smile had disappeared. “You have gotten quicker, more accurate and more efficient. I’m impressed.”

 

Wooyoung went still. Did he hear his words correct? Was he complimenting him on his work ethic? It could only mean one thing and that was that he had noticed him. He had been looking at him, even though it had seemed like he had ignored him in the last few weeks.

 

“Now there is something I want to ask you,” San continued and he leaned back. “As I told the team earlier, I have been working on a big mission which I’m going to clarify tomorrow. But before I could do that, I had to be sure whether you will take on the position I have in mind for you.” He paused. “Basically, we will bust a warehouse presumed to be filled with firearms. I want you to be leading the team and going in first.”

 

Of all the ways this talk could have gone, this was not what Wooyoung expected. Appointing him as the squad leader?

 

“I think you can do it. I have seen how you function in this team and your ability to follow protocol is outstanding. Not to mention your perfect physical condition and skills.”

 

Wooyoung stared at San. A man with a mission, he thought. That was all that San was and what he thought about. Any interest that San had in him came from a purely practical standpoint. It was clear that his memories of the army were entirely different from his. And it was something that Wooyoung had to live with.

 

“What do you say?” San asked once more.

 

And as Wooyoung pushed away the last thoughts of him and San together, he answered. “I’ll do it.”

 

 

 

“Thank you all for being here today. It is going to be a long meeting I’m afraid, but there is a lot of details that need to be discussed regarding this next mission that we are on. It is planned for this night so after the meeting you can go home and sleep. Please do grab some coffee and let’s get started.”

 

San stood in front of a projector with slides on them. The whole team was gathered in the meeting room to discuss the mission San had eluded to the day before. His brow was furrowed and he held on to a stack of papers while he had a remote control in his other hand to click through the slides.

 

“In the investigation team we have been working on a big investigation regarding the trade in firearms. There are some men known with the police that are believed to be involved with one of these illegal trading businesses in Seoul. We have been able to collect a lot of data on two of these men, who are presumed to be working together.”

 

San clicked to the next slide and two pictures of men appeared on the screen. One of them was a mugshot which was taken twelve years ago. “The police have been patrolling around the areas where these men are situated. But as of now the men are deemed to be too dangerous to be arrested by the police team. This is why this case has been transferred to SON and in particular this squad, also considering my new position here and the knowledge I have of this case. I have worked on this with the research team for a while.” San paused and pointed to the man on the left, which was the mugshot. “This man here has been convicted for murder and was in prison for the last ten years. He killed a drug lord with a Glock 17 that was later found. Why is he out of prison? He has good lawyers I suppose. The man is dangerous: he has no problem firing weapons at civilians and is assumed to be a good martial artist as well, considering his broad physique.” San pointed at the other man. “This man is presumed to be his accomplice. He is the man that is registered as the owner of the warehouse where our mission will take place.”

 

The next slide showed a big warehouse, that was top to bottom metal boards in a grey colour. There was a parking lot in front of it – empty – and there were other buildings behind it. The door would have been hard to find if it wasn’t for the green EXIT sign above it. In the other pictures Wooyoung could see that the place seemed to be near a dock. That would mean the navy could be involved in this mission as well.

 

“Is the navy going to pull out as well?” Wooyoung asked.

 

“No, but they have been informed. They will be doing their usual patrol tonight. But we will be joined by another Seoul squad.” San went back to the previous slide. “These two men will both be present at the warehouse tonight. We tapped the phone of the warehouse owner and confirmed they have a meeting there tonight. We will enter the building separately in two teams, in an attempt to surround the two men and arrest them separately.”

 

San went back to the other slide and showed all kinds of pictures of the building. He explained every picture and what needed to be taken into account. He showed the camera’s on the property and on the side of the building, the routes they could take to access the building and the different doors they could use to get into it. However some doors were going to be blasted with explosives by their explosive specialist so as to open them quickly.

 

They had to work quietly so their presence would not be known. The explosive specialist would walk in front and attach the explosives to the door and from there they had to act fast. Wooyoung would be the first to enter the building and find the suspect.

 

“We will be using the new night goggles. Yeosang and I will be in the truck where we can locate the suspects with thermal imaging camera’s. We will be giving you directions through the earphones and you can communicate with us as well with the build in microphone.”

 

San his eyes landed on Wooyoung. “Wooyoung is going to lead the team into the building. His marksmanship skills have convinced me that he will be able to do a great job in securing the arrest of the suspects.”

 

Mingi sat up in surprise. “Does that mean we have permission to shoot?”

 

“The police department has given permission to shoot. We cannot take any risk with these men. The warehouse is believed to contain a considerable amount of firearms and the men are most certainly armed. If they pull their gun, you shoot.”

 

 

 

That night Wooyoung drove out to the parking lot where the different teams would meet up. He was pumped, San’s meeting this morning was a lot of information and it was clear this was going to be a hard job. He felt proud that he was appointed as leader, but he also felt the burden of responsibility and the pressure to do well. After all, he still wanted to impress San and make him proud.

 

As he stepped out of the car he saw the other guys getting into their tactical gear. They wore black clothes and had holsters strapped to their legs. Everyone had multiple guns and they were carrying a rifle.

 

Wooyoung joined the men in silence and got dressed in the tactical gear. He strapped on the belt with gun holsters, put on his jacket and put on his gloves. He carefully placed the guns in the holsters before checking their magazines. He did the same with his rifle and made sure the lock was on when he placed it on the hood of his car. He grabbed his ski mask and pulled it over his head. He put on goggles and grabbed his helmet. The night vision goggles were attached to the helmet and he checked if they were positioned well. He put on the helmet and joined the briefing that was about to start.

 

San held a little board in his hand with information on it. “Alright, let’s go through this one more time,” San announced.

 

The team huddled together, full attention to their commander. “We have spotted the cars of our suspects and with the thermal imaging camera’s we can already spot their locations in the building,” San began. “Wooyoung is the leader and will walk in front,” San said. He looked around at the men who were all masked. “Wooyoung please make yourself known.” Wooyoung raised his hand. “Good, then Jongho is to walk alongside him as he is going to put the explosives onto the door.” Jongho raised his hand right away, following Wooyoung’s example. “After the explosion, Jongho will quickly throw a smoke and flash bomb in the room. Then Wooyoung will lead the way and you are to follow my instructions to locate the suspects.” The men nodded. “Now at the same time, at the other side of the building the other team will do the same. So it is important to wait for our instructions.” San paused. “Are there any questions?”

 

The team remained silent.

 

“Good. Then me and Yeosang will go inside the truck. When you take in your position wait for our instructions,” San’s eyes lingered on Wooyoung and his eyes were on fire. A shiver went down Wooyoung’s spine. Tonight, he had to perform.

 

The team grabbed their rifles and they were on their way to take in their positions which was behind the building next to the warehouse. They were there quick enough. Wooyoung heard San talking through his earphones with the other team’s commander. Now they had to wait.

 

“The main suspect is now seated. It is time to move out! Wooyoung; lead the team to the back door,” Wooyoung heard through his earphones. He got up immediately and grabbed onto his rifle.

 

He signed the team to make a formation behind him and Jongho was quick to walk beside him. They walked with a determined pace through a passage between the two buildings and ended up approaching the back wall of the warehouse.

 

“In position,” Wooyoung whispered through the microphone. “Clear. Permission to continue,” San announced.

 

Wooyoung gestured Jongho to start working on the door. Carefully he walked to the door with the green EXIT sign above it. It was now his job to attach the explosives to the door in a silent manner. If there was only a tiny sound, the men inside could be informed of their presence. Before they made a loud noise with the explosives, they had to make sure it would come as a surprise. Jongho kneeled down by the door and laid down his tool roll. He began working in a precise manner, attaching two bars with explosives with adhesive to the door first and then twisting the wires that came out of them with a longer wire that he could roll out.

 

When he was done, he checked everything once more and listened at the door for a while. When it felt like it was taking too long, Jongho finally stepped back and rolled out the wire.

 

Wooyoung asked for permission to bust the door. “Permission granted,” San informed.

 

The explosion that followed was deafening. The door was completely shattered. Jongho threw in the smoke and flash bomb and Wooyoung did not wait a moment longer. He ran in with his rifle raised to his cheek.

 

“POLICE! POLICE!” He shouted. He heard his teammates echo his announcement. The room he entered was now filled with smoke and the white flashes were just dying down. With his night goggles on he could see that a person ran through a door in the back of the room.

 

“SURRENDER!” He shouted while he ran after the person. “He is moving down a hallway!” San shouted in his ear. He went through the door and saw the person just turning a corner. “He entered the warehouse!” San said in a panic.

 

Wooyoung stopped running and slowly went through the door that led to the warehouse. He heard how Mingi and Seonghwa were closely behind him. The room was filled with rows and rows of steel racks containing all sizes of boxes. The man fled behind one of the racks.

 

“Mingi go left, Seonghwa go right,” Wooyoung instructed. He slowly walked to the racks where he had seen the man disappear. “He is 10 meters ahead from you at 10 o’clock,” San told him through his earphones. He noticed San’s trembling voice.

 

Wooyoung’s breathing slowed down. He adjusted his rifle to his shoulder and slowly laid his finger on the trigger. With controlled steps he ventured forward. “5 meters.” He walked alongside the racks he had approached. He had to act now.

 

Before he saw the man, he saw the gun. Without thinking it over Wooyoung pulled the trigger and shot the man down. He heard multiple gunshots and realized the man had fired as well. He approached the man and shot again. And again.

 

“MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!” Wooyoung looked in front of him and through his night goggles he saw the man was clearly hit in the chest. “MAN DOWN!? WOOYOUNG REPORT! MINGI, SEONGHWA REPORT!” Wooyoung approached the man, he looked for the gun and saw it in his hand. He kicked it away and crouched down to him. That’s when he noticed he had punctured the man’s lung.

 

Mingi and Seonghwa were next to him within no time. “We need a medic here!” He heard Mingi say through his earphones.

 

The man was trying to breathe, but was failing to do so. He was grabbing at his throat and then he noticed his bloody hands. The man was shot in the neck as well. Wooyoung put his rifle on lock and swung back the rifle on his back. He ripped open the man’s shirt and looked for the whole in his chest. He found it quite fast, as it was bleeding profusely and came out with pulses. He ripped off a piece of the man’s shirt and pushed down on the wound.

 

The man suddenly reached for his collar. He tried to say something, but he was choking on blood. There was no threat any longer, Wooyoung thought, this man was already dead.

 

“REPORT! IS WOOYOUNG HIT? IS THERE ANYONE BESIDE THE SUSPECT HIT?” San was raving in his ear and he wanted to respond but couldn’t. The adrenaline had taken over and Wooyoung was on auto-pilot. It was like San was a distant voice on the radio.

 

Wooyoung was roughly pulled back by Mingi. “Are you hit brother? Are you okay?” He asked in a frenzy. He felt up his chest and arms.

 

And then it finally hit Wooyoung. He responded with a spur of energy. “I’m okay! I’M OKAY!”

 

 

 

Wooyoung walked to the parking lot with tension throughout his body.

 

From a distance he could see San getting out of the truck. He ran towards him. With some force, San grabbed onto Wooyoung’s jacket. His eyes went black when he noticed how wet his jacket was from all the blood.

 

“Are you okay?” He asked. Wooyoung could hear the shakiness of his voice. San ripped open his zipper and felt around his chest. He then went on to rip off his helmet and ski mask. He breathed hard as he grabbed his jaw to check for injuries.

 

“I’m alright, I wasn’t hit,” Wooyoung said softly.

 

San felt over his jacket once more. He then stopped and felt the fabric. He had found a hole in the fabric which came from a gunshot. He sighed loudly.

 

“You were hit,” San breathed. He patted the bullet vest. “Lucky for you we have the best equipment. Go check up on that bruise on your chest later.” San’s expression changed. It went back to professional. For a moment he had shown Wooyoung how concerned he was. But as he walked away the professional mask returned.

 

 

 

They drove back to the station. He heard that the mission had been successful, despite the casualty. The police found a considerable amount of illegal firearms in the warehouse. The other team had been able to arrest the accomplice without much worry. There was a reason Wooyoung had been appointed as leader for this job, he heard his team say. Did they expect he would take out the man? Did San?

 

“Let’s talk,” San said when they arrived at the station. He had a furrowed brow and his eyes were back to black as they were earlier. Without questioning it he followed San.

 

San led them to the dressing room of the gym. He let Wooyoung go in first and closed the door.

 

“What the fuck was that?” He heard San say. He turned around and was faced with a livid San. He had never seen San look like that before.

 

“I did my job,” Wooyoung uttered.

 

San sighed and pinched his nose bridge. He crossed his arms, turned away from him and began pacing the room.

 

“The department had given permission to shoot, I was following protocol,” Wooyoung tried to say with confidence.

 

San turned around. “Did protocol tell you to put yourself in danger?” He cocked his head to the side.

 

Wooyoung felt there was something odd about this situation. The way San approached him now was off-putting. Adrenaline was still surging through his body and he hadn’t fully realized yet that he had actually killed a man tonight. So he just blurted it out.

 

“No, but you told me to put myself in danger.”

 

San narrowed his eyes. And then all of a sudden he pushed him against the wall. His hand wrapped around his neck, and he smeared the blood of the suspect over his cheek.

 

“What games are you playing with me?” San said. His eyes wandered over his chest and then he looked up at him.

 

“I have been thinking about doing this for a while now,” San pushed his body against his. His hand, which was now bloody, moved up to his chin and was tugging on it.

 

Wooyoung was breathing hard. He felt like his chest was going to explode and he could no longer handle it. As he stared down at San’s lips, he leaned forward and placed a kiss on them.

 

San moved back, brow furrowed. He licked his lips. Then his hand moved up behind his head and he grabbed his hair.

 

When their lips met it was messy. San pressed his whole body against Wooyoung, closing in the space between them. He pulled on Wooyoung’s hair and made him open his mouth. He took advantage of it and slid his tongue inside. The warmth that entered Wooyoung’s mouth made his stomach twist.

 

Wooyoung raised his hand in surprise, but San grabbed it and pulled it down. San loosened his grip on his hair and his hand went down to his neck. He then broke the kiss and pushed Wooyoung’s head back. He started planting kisses down his neck.

 

Between heavy breaths, San uttered, “I want you, I need you.” The words made Wooyoung dizzy and he felt like he was going to fall to his knees if it wasn’t for the pressure of San’s body holding him up. The kisses in his neck became more aggressive and he felt how San was nipping at his neck. And for a moment he was brought back to reality.

 

Wooyoung pushed San back. “Why now? Why me?” Wooyoung managed to utter.

 

San looked at him with that same sultry look he had had when they were in the military. That same look he had had when he asked him to pleasure him. There was blood smeared over his lips, and it would have made for a horrible look if it had been a different situation.

 

San stroked his jawline. “Be mine, please, be mine.”

 

And just like in the army, Wooyoung wasn’t able to refuse him this time either.


	2. GSW: Gun Shot Wound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the sweet comments!  
> It really motivated me to continue this story straight away.  
> I can't promise to update so soon all the time, but I'll try to update once a week. 
> 
> Again, refer to the tags to see if this story is suitable for you.
> 
> Do leave a comment again, it really helps with my motivation to write and I'm genuinely interested in what you think of the story and what you think will happen next!
> 
> xxx
> 
> P.S. I changed the chapter names to jargon used by the police.

Wooyoung couldn’t sleep that night. He was exhausted, but his mind kept spinning as he recalled the day over and over in his head. His whole body was stiff and it was begging him to rest. But when he was finally in his bed, he ended up staring at the ceiling till morning.

 

 

 

“Let’s return to the others,” San had said as he stroked his hair lovingly.

 

Kneeling before him, Wooyoung looked up at San, completely out of breath. All energy had suddenly left his body. It was like there were weights placed on his shoulders and his legs had stopped working. All expression had left his face and as he was panting for breath his lips felt all the more sore.

 

He could drown in San his eyes. There was something so nauseating about the way he looked at him, but at the same time looking into his eyes was like swimming in an ocean of gold.

 

San reached out to Wooyoung. He was so knackered, he couldn’t bear to stand up. Instead he wanted to grab San’s hand and pull him down with him. He wanted to embrace him, breathe in the smell of his faded cologne. He wanted to weave his hand through his hair, scratch his nails down his neck and embrace him tighter and tighter.

 

He grabbed San’s hand and he lifted him up. It made him lightheaded and he had to pause for a second.

 

“Wow there,” San grabbed onto his shoulders. Wooyoung noticed how San had flustered cheeks.

 

“Oh, wait, let me help you there,” San wiped his thumb over Wooyoung’s lower lip. His gaze followed the movement and then San pulled down on his lip. Wooyoung couldn’t help but to suck on his thumb. He looked up and San looked at him with concern.

 

“I am going to give you one last kiss and then we walk out that door and finish this business, agreed?” San said in a bossy tone.

 

Wooyoung nodded with San’s thumb still in his mouth. San pulled back his hand and pressed his lips firmly against Wooyoung’s. The taste of sweat, semen and blood mixed in their mouths.

 

 

 

“I had to make sure he was alright, you know given the situation,” San announced as they entered the coffee room and they were met with stares.

 

Wooyoung would have felt ashamed any other time they would be caught like that, but given the circumstances he was not bothered by the judging looks at all. He was too tired and feeling ashamed simply cost too much energy right now. Some of his colleagues were too innocent to even consider the possibility, but Seonghwa’s stare was telling him he knew. They were naïve fools if they couldn’t figure out how his lips had become so swollen.

 

“And how is he?” Seonghwa asked with a slight sarcastic tone.

 

San turned to Seonghwa, taken aback. “He is alright. He will go to the medic and he will take the day off tomorrow.” San turned around and addressed the whole group. “Can we please give a hand for Wooyoung, for being such a fantastic leader? I think he did really well today!” San started clapping and the rest of the team followed his example.

 

As the clapping died down, San changed the subject. “I’m sorry guys, but we still have a lot to discuss and work through. I hope to be done by five this morning.”

 

Wooyoung suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey man, should I walk with you to the medic? I can drive you to the hospital if it is necessary,” Yeosang appeared beside him and smiled at him.

 

Wooyoung was surprised by the gesture. He didn’t understand why he thought he needed to go to the hospital, but he was happy Yeosang cared about his wellbeing. Yeosang’s kind smile made him realize that this was exactly what he needed right now. He nodded.

 

“I’ll walk him to the medic, see if he needs to be brought to the hospital,” Yeosang let the team know. San nodded, although a hint of concern was lingering on his face. Wooyoung followed Yeosang through the door.

 

 

 

He was actually very surprised when he looked in the mirror in the first aid room of their department. Their medic Jung Yunho had first removed his jacket and cleaned his neck that was dirty with dried up blood. The traces of a hand that had gripped his neck could still be seen, but Yunho didn’t ask questions. However, he did check for bruises on his neck. He had removed his bullet vest carefully and when he needed to lift his arms so his shirt could be removed he had felt the ache under his right rib.

 

On his chest a red spot bloomed. In the centre was a black dot with an intense red ring around it which faded into yellow and the outer ring was purple red.

 

“Shit Wooyoung, that looks awfully painful,” Yeosang’s face contorted upon seeing the huge bruise.

 

Their medic Yunho grabbed a set of gloves and put them on. “I’m sorry Wooyoung, but I’m going to have to feel whether you have broken a rib or not. If that is the case we will have to bring you to the hospital.”

 

Wooyoung sighed. Great, he thought, a broken rib would automatically give him a leave of absence for a month. And he wasn’t the type of person that would be good at being bedridden. He would claw out his hair out of frustration.

 

“Please go lie down on the bed, flat on your back,” Yunho instructed. Carefully, Wooyoung swung his legs on the bed. As he went to lie down on his back, he felt the ache under his rib become worse and he groaned.

 

“Does it hurt to lie down?” Yunho asked.

 

Wooyoung shook his head. “It’s sensitive, but it is not that bad,” he lied.

 

Yunho exchanged a meaningful look with Yeosang. “No point in lying to me Wooyoung, you know I can help you get some amazing painkillers for that. Now, I want you to breathe in for me slowly and then breathe out, again slowly. After that I want you to tell me how much it hurts on a scale of 1 to 10,” Yunho instructed.

 

Wooyoung followed Yunho’s instructions and breathed in slowly. He felt the ache in his chest intensify, but as he released his breathe it didn’t become much worse. “It’s about a 6,” he said.

 

“Alright, now I want you to pull up your right leg and then rotate your body from your waist. Just let your right knee lean over to the left,” as Wooyoung did as Yunho asked, Yunho grabbed his right arm and pulled it down.

 

“Argh!” Wooyoung exclaimed. That definitely hurt more than he expected.

 

“Ok, yes I see. Bring your right leg down again,” Yunho let go of his arm and went to place his hands on his wound. He felt his chest carefully and traced his ribs, but the spot had become very sensitive making Wooyoung cringe.

 

“Don’t tell me I have a broken rib Yunho, I can’t be away from this job, you know that,” Wooyoung uttered while squinting his eyes in pain.

 

“I’m not sure, Wooyoung. I need to send you to the hospital to let them make an x-ray,” Yunho said.

 

Bothered by the mention of the word hospital, Wooyoung began to sit up and he tried to ignore the surge of pain. “I don’t need to get an x-ray done, it’s unnecessary. If I have a broken rib, then what? The only way it can heal is by leaving it to heal on its own,” Wooyoung said a bit harshly.

 

Yunho sighed and gestured for him to go lie down again. “Just let me check your breathing once more,” he turned around and retrieved a stethoscope from his desk. “If I can’t hear anything strange and your pain level is still at 6 then I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. But I can tell you right now that you’ll be at home for the rest of this week.”

 

Wooyoung jerked his head to look at Yunho. Home for the rest of the week!? All that went through his mind was that he wasn’t going to see San for a week and somehow that thought scared him to death.

 

“No, Yunho. Just no! You know this job is my life. One day off is alright with me. Ok, make it two days. But I want to be in the office again by Thursday,” Wooyoung pleaded. But Yunho just put the earpieces of the stethoscope in his ears and pressed down on his shoulders so he would lie down.

 

Yunho placed the cold disc on Wooyoung’s chest. “There’s no point in working with a broken rib, you’ll be out of the office for much longer if you do that.”

 

Wooyoung rolled his eyes. There was no point in arguing with Yunho and he would have to sit this one out.

 

“Now breathe in for me,” Yunho instructed and Wooyoung breathed in and out a few times so Yunho could check for any unusual sounds. “How’s that? And don’t lie,” Yunho asked again. Wooyoung held up his hand, five fingers pointing in the air. Yunho sighed and removed the stethoscope.

 

“I’ll write you a prescription for some heavier painkillers. You won’t have much sleep tonight I’m afraid,” Yunho turned to his desk and searched for a piece of paper to scribble on.

 

“It really sucks Wooyoung, but then again you don’t get shot every day. Listen to Yunho,” Yeosang said encouragingly as he looked down at his chest. Wooyoung proceeded to side-eye Yeosang.

 

“Come on man, I’ll take you to the apothecary to get you your drugs and then I’ll drive you home. And before you say you can drive yourself, there is no way you can steer well with bruised ribs. You’ll injure yourself even more. Yunho, tell him he can’t drive!”

 

 

 

When he was home and in bed, it took him five or six hours of staring at the ceiling before sleep finally caught up with him. But it was anything from a pleasant sleep. As he drifted away cold shivers went over his body. The feverish dream that followed left him exhausted and afraid.

 

In the dream Wooyoung was standing in a room that had high walls but no ceiling. He tried to look for a way out, but every time he turned to look for a route he saw how a person disappeared behind the wall. He tried to reach the person before they disappeared, but every time he did so he failed.

 

He felt so much frustration from constantly chasing this person, that he finally realized how he could stop him. As he looked down to his body he noticed that in both hands he was holding a loaded gun. Without much hesitation he raised up his arms and began shooting away.

 

It was raining bullets around him and the sound was deafening. His vision became crimson red. It blinded him and made him disoriented. The foggy filter of red mist that lay over his eyes made it impossible for him to find the person he had shot. He reached out with his hands, grasping in thin air in an attempt to wipe away all the red that covered his world.

 

When he wanted to scream, his world suddenly became black and white. And then he saw the person he had shot lying face down on the ground. His breath hitched in his throat as he realized the extent of the situation. He had shot a person! He had killed someone!

 

He ran to the body and threw himself on it, grasping at the clothes. He wanted to shake the person back to life, but the body remained lifeless. His hands had become wet and the fabric of the man’s shirt slipped through his fingers because of how slippery wet it was. In a panic, Wooyoung looked at his hands and they had become bright red. Terror overcame Wooyoung.

 

But then all of a sudden the body moved and the person seemed to be coming back to life. The man sat up as if he was pulled by strings like a marionette puppet. Then he raised his head.

 

“What games are you playing with me?” The crooked smile on San’s face was horrible.

 

Before Wooyoung could comprehend what was happening, the dream ended and he began drifting further in his sleep. He heard San breathing in his ear and he turned and turned in his sleep.

 

Finally the breathing stopped and Wooyoung found himself on his knees. Without questioning his dream, Wooyoung knew exactly where he was and what he was doing.

 

He looked up at San, who was looming over him. He reached up to grasp San’s belt, which he began unbuckling.

 

“Fuck, Wooyoung, are we really doing this?” San exclaimed as he slapped a hand over his eyes in embarrassment.

 

Feeling confident and riled up, Wooyoung unbuttoned San’s pants and undid his zipper. He yanked his pants down and San responded with a whine. San was already hard and he saw the contour of his cock through his tight boxers.

 

Wooyoung placed his hand on San’s thigh and began massaging it. He placed kisses all over his inner thighs and breathed down on the space just below his boxers. Slowly he moved up, planting kisses as he went up. He began palming San’s cock through his boxers.

 

“You gain so much length when you’re hard,” Wooyoung said just before he began to kiss his length through the fabric. San whimpered and he writhed under Wooyoung’s touch who still had a firm grasp on his thigh.

 

“I can’t believe you’re kissing me there… I can’t believe you’re doing this,” San managed to say. He reached down his hand to hold onto Wooyoung’s hand.

 

Wooyoung licked his length through the fabric and San moaned in response. As he dug his nails just a bit more in his thigh, he reached up with his other hand to rub San’s balls. San began to breathe hard, sucking in air through his teeth with his eyes closed.

 

The fabric began to annoy Wooyoung and he went to reach for his waistband. Surprised by the action, San looked down at Wooyoung. As they stared each other down, Wooyoung slowly removed San’s boxers and pulled them down to his ankles. Nervously, San reached down for Wooyoung’s hand and they intertwined their fingers. Without breaking eye contact, Wooyoung grabbed San’s throbbing cock and licked from the balls up the entirety of his length.

 

San was startled and his eyes rolled back in his head. “You are insane!” San exclaimed.

 

Wooyoung couldn’t help but grin. He felt bold and said: “You wanna see me take your whole length in my mouth?” San looked down at Wooyoung in disbelief and before he could even respond, Wooyoung slowly took San’s length in his mouth. San grabbed onto Wooyoung’s hand tighter. As Wooyoung’s lips reached the base of San’s cock, San cocked his head backwards, eyes squeezed close and his mouth open wide.

 

Wooyoung choked on his cock as his head reached the back of his throat. The choking sounds made San moan loud and he tugged on Wooyoung’s hand. Slowly, Wooyoung moved his mouth back, wrapping his lips around his length. He grabbed San’s dick tightly and began licking his head. He placed his thumb right under the head and began massaging it.

 

“Ah, Wooyoung-ah, please slow down, ah!” San was surprised by Wooyoung’s technique and placed a hand down on his shoulder, urging him to slow down.

 

Wooyoung slowed down, but he continued the process of wetting San’s cock in slick saliva and precum. He wrapped his tongue around his tip and moved down to his base and then back up again. He took him in his mouth and slowly bopped up and down, making sure he took extra care licking his head. He wrapped his hand around the base of his swollen cock, placing his thumb right under his balls where he circled it round and round while applying pressure.

 

San began breathing harder and harder. He placed his hand over his eyes, finding the sight of Wooyoung taking his cock too much to take. He began to tremble, every time Wooyoung took him that much deeper.

 

“Wooyoung, this is too much. I can’t take it, I can’t do it,” San whimpered.

 

In between licks Wooyoung told him: “You’re doing it, San. You’re doing it. Come for me.”

 

San let his hand drop from his eyes. He looked down at Wooyoung, his cheeks flustered red. He was breathing hard and he stroked his thumb over Wooyoung’s hand which he was still holding on to.

 

“Can I come in your mouth?” San asked out of breath.

 

Wooyoung took him in his mouth again and traced his tongue down his length. He grabbed onto his base firmly and then began jerking him off firmly. “Yes,” he said.

 

San let go off his boundaries and leaned into Wooyoung’s every touch. He began shaking profusely as Wooyoung began jerking and sucking him off at a higher speed.

 

Then San’s breathing pattern changed and he began digging his nails in Wooyoung’s hand. Wooyoung responded by squeezing his hand.

 

San moaned, no almost screamed when he came. Wooyoung took his load, sucking the last bit out. San hunched over and his dick left Wooyoung’s mouth. Wooyoung was out of breath and the taste of San was strange and salty as it mixed with his sweat.

 

“Oh, God, Wooyoung. Fuck that was good,” San managed to say as he leaned onto Wooyoung’s shoulders. He panted in his ears. Wooyoung was knackered and reached up his hand to wipe his mouth.

 

San leaned back to look at Wooyoung. “Are you ok?” He asked with a frown on his face.

 

Wooyoung nodded. “Are you sure? There is something on your lips, let me wipe it off,” San moved to stroke his thumb over Wooyoung’s lower lip. As he moved back, he looked at his hand in horror. There was blood all over his hand.

 

They both looked down at the same time. San was covered in blood and there were gunshot wounds in his chest that oozed blood. Before Wooyoung totally panicked, he realized that this was a dream and he woke up.

 

 

 

Reliving in his dream what happened the day before made Wooyoung feel strange. He couldn’t believe that it had actually happened, that he actually had been with San and he had sucked him off. It wasn’t how he expected to become closer to San, but he couldn’t deny that he had enjoyed it. The feverish dream was off-putting to him however, and the strange relation between yesterday’s events that resulted from it was fucking with his head.

 

As he turned over in his bed, the intense pain of his bruised ribs jolted through his body. He groaned and tried to sit up carefully. Where were those damn painkillers, he thought. On his bedside table he found the bottle of painkillers and a glass of water that he had used yesterday. He checked the prescription that was written on the side of the bottle: for the first week 3x a day, then 2x a day. He debated on taking two pills at a time and looked for more instructions on the bottle. Max. 2 pills at a time. Wooyoung opened the bottle and shook out two pills. He tossed them in his mouth and swallowed it down with water.

 

He hadn’t had much sleep, but after those weird dreams he was glad he was awake for now. The pain wasn’t great, but he could’ve been far off worse and he accepted the pain for now as the pills slowly kicked in. The greatest struggle for Wooyoung would be lying in his bed all day and he wasn’t planning on doing that.

 

With some trouble Wooyoung pulled the covers away. He swung his legs over the bedside. A jolt went through his body and he groaned. Great, he thought, off to a great start. He sighed and paused for a second, pushing his hand through his hair.

 

He stood up with some force and regretted it immediately as he became dizzy and saw stars before his eyes. After a few seconds they disappeared and he could see again. Cursing to himself, he walked to the bathroom where he went to take a piss while standing. Even that seemed to be a challenge. As he went to wash his hands, he saw the extent of his bullet wound in the mirror.

 

More so than yesterday, the wound had become more red and more purple. It had even grown bigger and the ring pattern had shifted and changed colour. This really was not good. He remembered how Yunho had advised him to ice the spot, so as to bring down swelling and bruising. It would at least lessen the discolouration.

 

He went into the kitchen and the wind that went over his bare, stiff body made him shiver. He opened the freezer and reached for a bag of frozen peas. He breathed in before placing the bag on his wound.

 

“AAARGH!” He screamed at the intense cold and pain that went through his body. He had to reach for the counter so as not to topple off. Shit! This was really not what Wooyoung needed right now. He cursed a few times and accursed San for putting him in this position. When he realized what it had actually led to he began to laugh. But his laughing turned to crying soon as the pain really became too unbearable for him.

 

As Wooyoung wiped away his tears he placed the peas back into the freezer and went to grab a glass of water. Come on Wooyoung, he thought. Get yourself together man, you have been through worse. He turned to leave the kitchen and planned on installing himself in front of the tv. A detective show would help him get his mind off of things. But just as he went to sit down, he saw keys on the doormat of his front door.

 

He walked to the door and reached down to grab the keys. It were his car keys. How did they get here? He knew Yeosang had brought him home last night and he had left his car back at the station. Did one of his colleagues bring his car back for him?

 

He realised he hadn’t checked his phone yet, so he went back to his bedroom to find his phone. He opened his screen and saw that there 20 messages from the Seoul Squad chat and there were 2 messages from Yeosang. He opened Yeosang’s messages first.

 

5:30 A.M. Yeosang: I have left your apartment with your car keys. One of us will probably drive it home for you during the day. Let us know if you are alright, Wooyoung. We want to help you with anything.

 

The next message was send more recently.

  
4:30 P.M. Yeosang: Are you alright Wooyoung? We all want to know if everything is alright over there. Don’t worry about the papers the department asks for. Plenty of time to go through that when you’re back next week.

 

So Yeosang had driven his car home. He was taken aback by Yeosang’s kindness. He always knew that he had a great friend and colleague in Yeosang, but he didn’t expect this. But at the same time, he would have done the same for him if he was the one that had been in this situation.

 

He read over the text one more time. Oh yes, those god-damn papers, he thought. Every time a man was shot they needed to fill in papers declaring that they had shot out of self-defence. Furthermore, they had to fill in a questionnaire for the psychologist, with whom they were required to make an appointment. Often the aftermath of the incident took more energy than the incident itself.

 

He checked the time on his phone, it said it was 6:30 P.M. The fever had really fucked with his sleeping pattern and even though he was used to sleeping during the day because of frequent night shifts, he never slept in this late.

 

He opened the chat of their team and scanned through the messages. They were all asking for him and inquiring whether he needed help or not. There was a message in the chat from San as well, but it was written in a professional manner fit for a commander.

 

Quickly, Wooyoung wrote a message that he was doing alright and that he hoped to come by the office soon. He told them not to worry and that he was eating well. Talking about food made him hungry and he wandered to the kitchen in search for something quick and easy. He found a cup off noodles in the cupboard and he put on a kettle with water. While he waited for the water to boil, he debated whether he should ice his wound again. The thought made him cringe, but he decided to do it either way. He wanted to let this wound heal as soon as possible. When the water boiled, he poured it in the cup of noodles and carefully brought it over to the coffee table in front of his couch. He returned to get the peas back out of the freezer. While he waited for his noodles to soak, he lay down on the couch with a blanket on top of him. Carefully, he placed the bag of frozen peas on his side. By the time the noodles had cooled down enough for him to consume, the mixture of pain, exhaustion and the painkillers that had finally kicked had already made him fall asleep.

 

 

 

He woke up with his stomach grumbling and was quite disoriented from waking up on the couch. He searched for his phone and found it near his head. The time on his phone said 2:30 A.M.

 

He felt something wet on his side and felt around to find what caused it. The bag of peas had defrosted and stuck to his side. He threw the bag of the couch and sat up.

 

When he saw the noodles, he tried to eat them. But these types of noodles were disgusting when they were cold. Annoyed he put the noodles down again and he proceeded to switch on the tv. There was a lot of late night tv, but one of the channels had a crime program on. He turned up the volume and stood up to get to the kitchen.

 

He noticed that his chest wasn’t hurting so bad anymore. Maybe he had went through the worst already, or the painkillers were just doing a wonderful job. Either way he was glad. Rummaging through the cabinets he realized something. And it immediately bothered him a lot. It was the fact that San hadn’t even called him yet since he had left the office. Had he been so busy that a call to Wooyoung just wasn’t on his priority list? Or was it simpler than that and he just didn’t feel the need to call up Wooyoung so soon, even though they had shared such an intense and intimate moment?

 

Although he really didn’t want to make a link so fast, he couldn’t help but wonder if San was going to do the same thing he did after their shenanigans in the army. Was he going to give him the cold-shoulder yet again?

 

He realised that this time it was going to be impossible for them to ignore each other like that. Or at least for him, it would be impossible. What San meant for him… He couldn’t put into words. He had dreamed about what happened last night since the moment they had shared a night in that army tent. Gosh, he had only made it worse for himself now, hadn’t he?

 

He sighed and decided that the only thing he could do now was eat some food and get a nice hot bath to clean himself.

 

After he had taken a bath, which had been quite a struggle because the hot water made his wound sting, he decided that he might as well sleep some more in his bed because it was still very early in the morning. Luckily, it was a dreamless sleep this time.

 

When he woke up again, it was quite a normal time. The only problem was that he had to get through the day without filing arrests, researching for upcoming missions and working out in the gym. He checked his phone and there was only a message from Yeosang which was send two hours earlier.

 

8:30 A.M. Yeosang: I can bring over some food during my lunch break if you want?

 

It was Yeosang again. He still didn’t understand why he was so attentive to him, but he gladly accepted his offer and send a text back right away. At least it would make this day go by faster.

 

 

 

Bored from continuously watching the same tv programs on tv, Wooyoung decided to make it an early night. He felt how a headache had been building up the entire day and it was now making him sensitive to the noise of the tv. He popped another pill, his third for the day, and lay his head on the pillow.

 

It had been a nice distraction when Yeosang popped his head around the corner. He brought with him a bag of delicious rice cakes, that Wooyoung devoured instantly. Yeosang had taken a look at his chest and his eyes had turned big.

 

“You sure you don’t need to go to the hospital for that?” He had asked.

 

Wooyoung dismissed his question and said that he’d be alright within a week. He would just do all the office work for the first two weeks.

 

Before he went to sleep, he checked his phone, hoping to find a message from San. But there was no message from San.

 

He tried to sleep, but his frustration turned into anger and his headache intensified.

 

“Fuck it,” he said.

 

He grabbed the bottle of pills from his nightstand and retrieved a pill. He swallowed it dry, hoping it would soon dizzy him enough so he could dream strange dreams of San kissing him.

 

 

 

He decided he had had enough of it. Two days had been his max before he would go crazy – he had learned that earlier in his career when he had been out of the job because of a horrible cold. He had been sniffing and coughing continuously, but he needed to have something on his hands, because sitting at home being sick was even more unbearable.

 

He woke up at 6:00, a normal time for him to wake up if he had a day shift. His phone said he had no new messages and it was his final push to get out of bed, get dressed and drive to the job. If his colleagues had already forgotten about him, it was time for him to show his face again. Although Yunho had told him not to go to work for a week, he figured that it wouldn’t hurt if he went there for just a few hours. He could make a start on those annoying papers and check if he had some emails he had to respond to.

 

He checked his wound in the mirror and noticed that the bruise hadn’t gotten any smaller. But the colours had changed. It seemed as if the bruising became darker, almost black. He carefully wiped it clean and put on some clothes. He was still sort of high on painkillers. It wasn’t wise taking more than the prescribed doses. But what could he say, he was weak when it came to dealing with his feelings.

 

He grabbed his phone, his car keys and the bottle of painkillers and went out the door.

 

The drive to the office was challenging, every time he had to turn his steering wheel to make a turn he felt the pain in his side becoming worse. The pressure it put on his ribs made them become more sensitive and he was reminded of Yeosang’s warning words.

 

He arrived at the job around 6:45 A.M. just before the night shifts ended. He tried to enter the building unseen, before getting scolded right away. If he could just get behind his desk first, so he could at least print some files and check his mail.

 

He saw some people when he walked inside, but no colleagues from the team. They were probably out on a mission. He walked down the hallway to get to their joint offices. His desk had a pile of papers on it and a post-it note on top. It said: psychologist papers to be filled in by Thursday. He figured it was referring to next week Thursday and not today. But having the papers under his nose now made him inclined to have a look at them and fill them in right away. He put down his keys and phone and sat down behind his desk. He started his computer and went to check his mail.

 

Half an hour later, he was done with replying to urgent emails and he sat back in his chair. He rubbed over his chest and cringed. His wound was starting to hurt again as the painkillers slowly started to lose their effect. How long had it been since last he had his pills? He shook the bottle. He decided to take one now and take one later that morning.

 

Wooyoung shut down his computer and retrieved the papers from his desk. He was hungry and he decided to walk to the coffee room to get something to eat and to drink. There was some leftover cake in the fridge, so he helped himself to some cake. There was no one else in the coffee room and he wondered if he could be here unseen today.

 

As he went through the papers and started filling in basic information, someone walked into the room.

 

“What are you doing here?” Seonghwa said in surprise.

 

Wooyoung looked up at Seonghwa who was still wearing his tactical gear and was just in the process of removing his gloves. He was out of breath and was clearly confused as to why Wooyoung was there.

 

Wooyoung scratched his head. “I… I got sick of the same reruns of Law & Order. I needed something to distract me,” he said.

 

Seonghwa walked over to him and picked up the papers meant for the psychologist and scanned through them. “You call this a distraction?” Seonghwa looked at him in disbelief.

 

Wooyoung sighed. “You know me, I just want to get it out of the way. No reason to postpone it.”

 

“You’re supposed to be sick at home. They don’t expect these papers for another week. Take a break man, I really think you need it anyway,” Seonghwa said as he placed down the papers.

 

Wooyoung was taken aback by his comment. “A break? What do you think I need a break for?”

 

Seonghwa walked over to the fridge and opened it. “You are always here, always working overtime. That body of yours never gets any rest,” he said while peering into the fridge. “Hey, you got that last piece of cake?”

 

Acting like he was innocent, Wooyoung took a sip of his coffee.

 

He thought over Seonghwa’s words. Was he really working too much? Should he really take this injury as a sign that he should slow down a bit and take some time off?

 

He was soon reminded of the feeling of being pent up in his apartment like he had been the last two days. He really didn’t want to do that for an extended period of time. It was simple: this job was his life and he didn’t care about anything else but to go on missions and make them successful. Nothing was going to change that.

 

“You should go home after you finish those papers, Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said as he closed the fridge and grabbed a cookie from the counter of the little kitchenette. “One of us can come over and bring some food if you want to. I can come by this time, if you want. I can bring beer!” Seonghwa laughed as he stuffed the cookie in his mouth. “I got to go take a shower now, we just came back from a manhunt. Guy kept jogging and we had no permission to shoot. Damnit, I might’ve ran for half a mile at full speed!” He went to the door. “I’ll text you okay?”

 

“That’s alright, see you later man,” Wooyoung said as he disappeared from the room.

 

A manhunt. Running. All those things he wasn’t allowed to do right now, that he couldn’t do right now. Forced to think about it, he felt his side. It was still quite sensitive and when he raised up his arm to lean over to the other side he heard a little cracking sound.

 

“Fuck!” He said under his breath. He shouldn’t have done that, now it hurt even more. Should he follow up Seonghwa’s advice and go home so he could ice the wound? He felt in his pocket where the bottle of pills was. No, he still wanted to get through these papers before going home so he could at least feel some sort of form of accomplishment for the day. He popped open the bottle and shook out another pill. That was his second for today.

 

Suddenly San came waltzing through the door. He seemed out of breath. “What are you doing here?” San said in disbelief.

 

Shocked by San’s sudden appearance Wooyoung’s cheeks turned red. “I had to get to these papers,” he said with a shaky voice while holding up the papers. San’s presence reminded him of the last time he had seen him and what they had done. He couldn’t help but feel embarrassed and he got a weird gut feeling just thinking about the dirty things he did with the man now standing in the doorpost.

 

San sighed heavily and walked into the room. “You’re supposed to be home, in your bed, watching tv,” San said as he approached Wooyoung slowly.

 

“You know I’m not any good at that,” Wooyoung said, looking up at San as he was about to sit down next to him. When he sat down, he just looked at Wooyoung and a tension in the air could be felt.

 

San broke eye-contact and grabbed Wooyoung’s empty coffee cup and he began to play with it. “Well I can’t deny that I’m happy to see you here,” San said. He placed the cup down and placed his hands in his lap. He looked up at Wooyoung. “We need to talk about what happened,” he said. “I… I can’t stop thinking about what happened between us.”

 

Wooyoung breathed in through his nose. “I can’t stop thinking about it either.”

 

A small smile appeared on San’s face. Wooyoung felt tingles throughout his body. “It’s why I came here. To get my mind of from things, I haven’t been able to sleep,” Wooyoung admitted. He pushed back his hair slowly, to reduce the sting he felt in his side.

 

San’s eyes scanned Wooyoung’s body and then his gaze fell on the bottle of pills. “Are you alright though? I am so sorry that I haven’t asked earlier,” San moved forward with a look of concern on his face. The way he looked in his eyes made him feel all sorts of things. But it also finally helped him admit that he wasn’t doing so well as he felt the pain in his side was becoming worse again.

 

“It hurt more than I thought it would. I feel like shit.” He wanted to be honest to San. There was no point in denying it to him. When it came to their job, the commander needed to know whether it was safe for him to start working again. He could not take any risk with his men. But more than that Wooyoung felt vulnerable in San’s company and he felt it was safe to tell him how he felt.

 

San lowered his head and sighed. “I’m sorry Wooyoung… I shouldn’t have – I shouldn’t have done that when you were in so much pain. I’m ashamed to say that I was just so intrigued by you, by everything that happened that day, I couldn’t control my urges. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you,” San said.

 

Was he apologizing for what had happened between them? Was he regretting his actions? No, Wooyoung thought. He grabbed San’s hand.

 

“Don’t say that. You didn’t take advantage of me. I wanted it. I wanted everything that happened between us and more since the moment you stepped through that goddamn door.” There was no way Wooyoung would let go of San now that he finally had him.

 

San looked up at him, struck by his words.

 

“We got a call for a man with an assault weapon at the subway station,” Mingi popped his head around the corner the of the coffee room.

 

Surprised, Wooyoung let go of San’s hand. San was annoyed and turned around slowly to address Mingi. “I’m coming right out, I’m just helping Wooyoung with his papers here,” San said in a professional manner.

 

“Hey Wooyoung! What are you doing here? Don’t you have some broken ribs?” Mingi addressed Wooyoung first before turning back to San again. “It’s urgent, they want us in the car now.”

 

San pinched his nose bridge and breathed slowly in and out. He looked up at Wooyoung. “Can we please continue this talk when I come back? I’ll have this under control within an hour,” he tried to convince Wooyoung it would be quick.

 

“I think I’m going home first. But you can text me and we’ll meet at a café near my apartment,” Wooyoung suggested. If he was being honest, he was way too exhausted by this trip to the office to do anything else today. But the thought of being alone with San filled him with so much joy that he pushed away any feeling of exhaustion and pain. He could endure it if it meant he was seeing San again.

 

San nodded. A grin appeared on his face. “Alright. I’ll make it quick, promise. I’ll text you soon so we can talk a bit more okay?”

 

 

 

Somehow San messaged him an hour later when Wooyoung had just gotten back to his apartment. He couldn’t believe he had actually fixed the issue at the metro station within an hour.

 

When they met at a café down his street a little later, it was the first thing he asked.

 

“We had him to the ground quite fast and then I just instructed the police that was already present to take care of the arrest,” San grinned.

 

Sometimes Wooyoung was happy the public didn’t know everything about the police and how they worked.

 

“I just needed to see you again, you surprised me when you said that earlier,” San began speaking in a serious tone. He leaned over the table to Wooyoung with his elbows leaning on the table.

 

“When I said what?” Wooyoung said in a teasing manner. He cocked his head to the side.

 

San smiled and looked down to his lap. “Well… When you said you had wanted me since the moment I walked in?” He made it sound like a question even though it really wasn’t.

 

“Yeah, I did. You made me go crazy by ignoring me all the time,” Wooyoung countered.

 

San scoffed. “I ignored you?” He sighed and shook his head. “Okay, well maybe I did, sometimes. I was just so focussed on the job, I didn’t want to bring personal matters into the workplace.”

 

“Yeah, I figured,” Wooyoung said.

 

San breathed out. “Do you remember our time together in the army?” He suddenly said.

 

Wooyoung felt a warm feeling growing in his stomach. “Yeah, yeah I do,” Wooyoung said.

 

“Do you… Do you remember when we were in that tent together?” San got a blush on his cheeks. “I never felt anything like that since. But I was confused. I was confused about what I felt, Wooyoung,” he buried his face in his hands.

 

Wooyoung reached over to pull his hands away from his face. “Why didn’t you just talk to me San? I went through the same thing. We could’ve made it a lot less difficult for each other if we had just talked,” Wooyoung tried to console him.

 

“You’re right. I mean… That’s why I want to talk now, especially after what happened the other day. I’m not sure how to say this to you though…” San avoided eye-contact with Wooyoung.

 

“What is it?” Wooyoung asked. He swallowed hard as he realized what San was about to say.

 

“I think I have feelings for you Wooyoung. I think I have liked you for a while now,” he admitted. He looked up at Wooyoung and he saw panic in his eyes.

 

Did he just… Did he just say he liked him!? San liked him? He couldn’t contain his happiness and he began to smile. He hid his smile behind a hand as he stared at San.

 

“What? Why are you smiling?” San said nervously.

 

“I just never imagined you would say that,” Wooyoung managed to say. “I dreamed about it. I fantasized about being with you.”

 

San’s eyes went bigger and he breathed in. “You’re saying you want to be with me?”

 

Wooyoung laughed. “You’re saying you hadn’t realized that from the way I sucked your cock?”

 

San dropped his head on the table and put his hands in his neck. He groaned and turned his head to peek at Wooyoung. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”

 

“You know, there’s a bathroom over there, I can suck you off again if you want me to,” as Wooyoung made the offer, he realised how dumb that would be. His side hurt so bad he would probably pass out if he’d suck of San like that again.

 

“Ah, man! What are you doing to me Wooyoung! I have never felt like this before, but I want you bad, I crave every little part of you,” San whispered, as he was suddenly aware of his surroundings after what Wooyoung said.

 

“I’m yours if you let me be. You can do anything and everything you want with me,” Wooyoung felt bold, but he meant it. Maybe it was the fact that he was so drugged up, but he had let go off all his boundaries.

 

San turned serious. “Everything?” He saw how San swallowed. Wooyoung nodded.

 

“I’ve… I’ve never been with a man before Wooyoung,” San whispered.

 

Wooyoung adjusted in his seat. Ah, so the cat was out of the bag. Maybe that was the reason why he had been so apprehensive with him, every experience he had with him was his first.

 

“Wait… You’re telling me I was the first man that ever sucked you off?”

 

“Ssssh!” San put his finger to his lips.

 

“So you’ve never… You never fucked a man?” Wooyoung asked.

 

San lowered his eyes. “I haven’t,” he started. He looked up. “Have you?”

 

Wooyoung waited before giving an answer. He calculated what his best answer would be and he wasn’t really sure if there was a good answer to that. Wooyoung had been with men before, as well as with women. But since his twenties he had only been with men. He occasionally met up with a guy he met during a night out or on an app just to have casual sex, no strings attached. He had found it hard to find someone to be in a relationship with. Especially since there had been only one man on his mind since he had served in the army.

 

“There have been some instances where I was with a man,” Wooyoung said carefully.

 

San sat up and frowned his brow. “Did you fuck him or did he fuck you?” San asked awkwardly.

 

“I’m a bottom, San, if that’s what you’re asking,” he just blurted it out and there was no time to regret it.

 

San scratched his neck. He breathed in and out a few times before he asked embarrassed, “I… Uh… Do you… Do you ever want to try with me?”

 

Wooyoung felt a warmth in the pit of his stomach. “I’ll let you fuck me as hard as you want.”


	3. ETOH: Intoxicated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a transition in between chapters. I had to write it like this, because a lot of fucked up shit will still happen and that is kind of being alluded to in this chapter. I hope you guys will wait patiently for the next chapter when shit's about to get down.   
> Thanks for all the support! <3

“Seonghwa texted me,” Wooyoung said as he retrieved his phone from his pocket and saw the message on the screen.

 

“What did he text you for?” San asked, thrown off by the change of subject.

 

“He’s coming over tonight to bring me dinner,” Wooyoung said as he read over the message.

 

“Of course,” San smiled and looked at the table. “I instructed him to do that. Or well, I instructed the team to visit you these days,” San said.

 

Wooyoung looked up at San. “You instructed him?”

 

“Well, I just said that we should be there for you, since we’re a team. We agreed to each bring you a meal every other day. You know, to look out for you,” San said. “But I was actually hoping I could have visited you tonight. I guess Seonghwa beat me to it…”

 

“Wait you told Yeosang to text me too?” Wooyoung asked. He was curious now.

 

“Actually Yeosang suggested that he’d go first, since he’d taken you home as well. He wanted to bring your car home as well, but I wanted to see how you were doing. But you didn’t open the door. I guess you were asleep,” San said, but he kind of made it sound like it was a question.

 

Wooyoung was surprised. “You brought my car home? I thought that was Yeosang.” He had thought that San had ignored him. But he actually had been at his door, he just hadn’t noticed because he was probably passed out from the drugs. He grinned.  “I was so pissed off you didn’t check up on me, to see how I was doing. Guess you did in your own way,” Wooyoung said.

 

San’s eyes went big. “I’m sorry! I… I just thought you might want to have space. I didn’t want to push it, so I let Yeosang check on you for me,” San sounded like he was unsure.

 

“Next time don’t let anyone else do it, just come to see me yourself, or just call you know,” Wooyoung said, looking straight into San’s eyes.

 

San stared back. He slowly moved his hand over the table and reached for Wooyoung’s hand. He softly touched his fingers.

 

“You have no idea what this is doing to me. What you’re doing to me,” San whispered.

 

“If it wasn’t for this stupid bullet wound, I’d bring you to my apartment now and we could… Fuck I can barely tie my shoes before passing out,” Wooyoung said frustrated.

 

San grabbed his hand. “Hey! I don’t want to rush it. I have patience, we can wait.” He smiled at him. “It’s going to be hard, I admit. Pun intended.”

 

Wooyoung laughed at that, but he immediately cringed at the movement of his chest going up and down.

 

San looked at him with concern. “God, is it that bad? Where is the wound exactly?” San inquired.

 

Wooyoung rubbed over his side. “Well it’s here,” he said. Then he thought of something. “You want to see it?” He said with a smirk.

 

San looked from side to side. “You’re not going to lift your shirt here right!?”

 

Wooyoung shook his head. Then he nodded to the toilets in the back of the café.

 

“What, you want to go in there anyway?” San scoffed.

 

“Let’s go,” Wooyoung said as he stood up. He didn’t wait for San to follow him, he just went straight to the bathroom. Instead of going to the men’s bathroom, he went to the disabled bathroom, which he knew had a lock on it. San followed him inside.

 

“Close the door, close the door! Before anyone sees,” San said in a panic.

 

Wooyoung laughed. “Don’t worry man, who cares who sees.” He locked the door and he turned around. He saw there was a big sink with a countertop. With some effort he went to sit on it. Pulling himself up was painful and he squeezed his eyes shut from the pain.

 

“Careful, careful!” San was at his side before he knew it. He had placed his hands on his thighs. Wooyoung opened his eyes and looked at San who’s face was frozen. He waited for him to say something, but he didn’t. He just looked at him and traced his thumb over his thigh.

 

“Well, are you going to help me get my shirt off?” Wooyoung asked.

 

San was startled. “Uh, yeah, yeah of course.” Wooyoung raised his arms up slowly, making sure that he wasn’t going to crack a bone again. San waited for a second before he finally moved his hands to grab the hem of his shirt and pull it up.

 

“Shit, that movement sucks,” Wooyoung said as he wriggled out of his shirt with San’s help. When he saw San’s face he couldn’t help but laugh.

 

San’s eyes went big. He stepped backwards, Wooyoung’s shirt clutched in his hands. He reached to put a hand over his open mouth.

 

“Shit!” San exclaimed. Wooyoung looked down. He saw how part of the wound had gotten really dark, almost black. The centre of the wound where the bullet had struck was sprouting with burst blood vessels. The outer ring faded into pink and yellow. The bruising had travelled again.

 

“Yeah, it looks quite horrible doesn’t it?” Wooyoung said nervously as he realized how exposed he now was. He wondered whether the wound was off-putting to San, whether he found it disgusting. The contorted look on his face did make him worried.

 

“It looks horrific,” San blurted out. 

 

His words came as a shock to Wooyoung. “I can put my shirt on again if it bothers you.”

 

San looked up into Wooyoung’s eyes. He walked forward and placed his hands on his thighs again. “No, no. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean – It just looks so painful! Why didn’t you tell me you were in so much pain that day?” He asked.

 

Wooyoung shrugged his shoulders. “I didn’t feel a lot of pain then. Guess I was filled with adrenaline,” he breathed out. The way San’s hands lingered on his thighs made him feel things and he recalled their conversation just now. He debated whether he should hold on to San’s forearms. They were exposed and he saw how his veins were lightly showing. 

 

“Can I… Can I touch it?” San asked hesitantly.

 

“Yes. Just, be careful. It’s sensitive,” Wooyoung said shyly.

 

San raised his right hand from his thigh and hovered his hand above his wound before he lightly touched the centre of his wound. Wooyoung breathed in at his cold touch and his chest raised up.

 

“Sorry,” San said surprised. He breathed in as well and exchanged a quick look with Wooyoung before he began tracing the rest of the bruising. “It’s such an interesting pattern, how the impact of the bullet has left such an exquisite colour palette,” San whispered.

 

San’s touch was so sudden, it totally caught him off guard. Even though his wound was sensitive and he could feel the faint pain caused by San’s cold hand, San’s touch made him shake and breath unevenly. If it had been someone else he would have been able to shut it off. But San was the one touching him and it took everything in him not to pull him in and kiss him.

 

Suddenly San leaned forward and he pressed his body against Wooyoung’s knees. Before he knew what was happening, San put his hand on his waist and leaned over him. Wooyoung placed his hands behind him for support when San lowered his head to place a kiss on his wound. Wooyoung breathed in at the feeling of his wet lips touching his chest.

 

“What are you doing?” Wooyoung said out of breath.

 

San placed tiny kisses all over his wound. The way his hand massaged his side began to make Wooyoung dizzy. As San continued it really became unbearable for Wooyoung as he started to get horny and his eyes rolled back in his head. With his mouth wide open he tried to suppress a moan. San’s kisses traced lower and lower and Wooyoung went into full panic mode when he reached the waistband of his pants. 

 

“San,” he started. San’s hand travelled to his pants and landed on the button. He looked up.

 

“Should I… Should I do what you did for me?”

 

The way he looked up at him, all unsure and nervous, but still a hint of confidence lingering on his face. Was he going to… No! No, Wooyoung thought. He wanted it bad, so bad, but they couldn’t do it here. He knew that one thing would lead to another and the position he was in now was already putting a strain on his body.

 

Wooyoung placed his hands on San’s shoulders. “San stop. I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” he began.

 

San leaned back. He looked at Wooyoung confused. “The wound. It’s hurting too much. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I shouldn’t put so much strain on it so it can heal faster. Sex will set me back me for another week,” he said slightly annoyed.

 

“We don’t have to have sex, I can just perform oral on you, you don’t have to do anything,” San suggested.

 

Wooyoung laughed and shook his head. “It doesn’t work like that San,” he smiled sadly at San.

 

San grinned. “You’re right. It’s not like I know what I’m doing anyway,” he avoided eye contact with Wooyoung.

 

“I’m sure you’ll be just fine, but let’s find that out another time,” Wooyoung said with a chuckle. “Come on, toss me my shirt.”   

 

San handed over his shirt and he carefully put it on. As he struggled with it, he noticed that San had stepped backwards and was leaning against the door, his arms crossed. He was staring at him with almost a sombre look on his face as he adjusted his shirt.

 

“What?” Wooyoung asked.

 

San raised his eyebrows. “Nothing, there’s nothing,” he said.

 

There was something off about him, Wooyoung thought. “Help me off this counter, will you,” Wooyoung said.

 

San came over quickly and grabbed him by his waist and Wooyoung put his hands on his shoulders. He scooted forward and dropped onto the floor without much impact.

 

San’s hands lingered on his waist. But San was avoiding his eyes. “Hey what is it?” Wooyoung asked again.

 

“You said before, when we were talking about… Well you know. And you mentioned you have been with other men? How many have there been?” San asked unsurely.

 

Wooyoung was surprised. He wanted to know how many men he’d been with? Why did he want to talk about that?

 

“Why do you want to talk about that?” Wooyoung asked. He felt kind of trapped by San’s question.

 

“I don’t know I just… When was the last time you have been with someone?” San asked as he looked up into his eyes.

 

“Why do you want to know that San? What good will it do you?” Wooyoung kind of panicked. He didn’t know why San asked this and how he had to deal with it. Wooyoung did remember the last time he had sex, but to tell San about it in every detail would kill what they had now.

 

San lowered his head. “I don’t know… I’m sorry. I just think about the fact that someone else can pleasure you better, can fuck you better, that I will suck because I don’t know what the hell I am doing and I – I just don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want to become that one bad experience you had so that you will leave me, that you will go to someone else, someone better,” San said as he leaned his head into Wooyoung’s shoulder.

 

Wooyoung felt an ache in his stomach. Did San fear to lose him? Did San fear that he wouldn’t be able to make him happy?

 

Wooyoung pushed San from his shoulder and he placed a hand on his cheek. “Who says I won’t give you a second chance if the first time is a bad one?” Wooyoung said in a teasing manner. Wooyoung grabbed his shirt by the neck and twisted it in a knot. He pulled San to him to give him a kiss and San received it eagerly even though his lips were trembling.

 

“If this body of mine is healed a bit more we can try some things. And I will guide you through it, you don’t have to worry about doing anything wrong. Trust me,” Wooyoung said in between their kiss. San closed his eyes and moved into the kiss. His tongue darted over his lower lip and Wooyoung opened his mouth to let him in. San placed his hands on the small of Wooyoung’s back and embraced him lightly. He breathed into the kiss and Wooyoung could hear how San was shaking. As he leaned just a bit into his body, Wooyoung could feel that San was hard.

 

Then the sound of a ringtone could be heard. It was San’s phone and Wooyoung figured that they were wondering where San was back at the job. Wooyoung retrieved the phone from San’s pocket and broke off the kiss. “But you have to be a bit more patient San,” Wooyoung said. San looked at Wooyoung with a sultry look. “I’m happy you’re going to be my first, Wooyoung.”

 

 

 

 

“I brought beer and pizza! And look… more beer!” Seonghwa stood at his front door with a big smile on his face.

 

Wooyoung had just woken up from a sleep that had been anything from pleasant. After he had come home after his interesting talk with San he had built up so much sexual frustration, he had to shower first to take care of himself. It was rough, since the painkillers had already lost their effect and the jerking movement of his arm made his wound feel sore. When he finally came thinking about San kissing him down there, he slid down the shower wall and sat down in the shower for a good ten minutes. He could barely get out of the shower after that and when he did manage, he dried himself only partly because it hurt too much. When he finally lay in bed, he could feel how completely worn out his body was. It felt like he had been running a marathon, only he was shot in the chest as well. He popped a pill before going to sleep, which became more like a restless nap, and he hoped that the heat he felt in his forehead wasn’t going to last.

 

But when he opened the door he still didn’t feel quite alright. There was a lingering headache which he assumed was going to stay the rest of the night. Looking at the six-packs of beer he realized what kind of night he was in for.

 

The pizza had been more than welcome. As they were munching away, Wooyoung realized how hungry he had actually become after his sleep. The combination with beer tasted delicious and before he knew it, he was onto his third can.

 

“Shit’s crazy man. The morgue has been having a difficult job making the body look presentable. They had to sew up his throat and all. In the end a high collared shirt could only disguise it. I’m sorry, are you okay talking about this?” Seonghwa took another bite from his pizza and looked up from the tv that was showing a morgue scene from the series Silent Witness.

 

“Yeah, it’s alright,” Wooyoung said. The strange thing was, the last few days Wooyoung had forgotten a few times about what had happened during the mission. Sometimes he would just forget that he had actually killed a man and it just felt like he was at home because he had a day off. When his wound started acting up and he looked in the mirror to inspect it, he would realize it again and he would see flashes of the man trying to speak to him as he choked on his own blood. But he didn’t lie awake from it. At least not from that. Frankly, he felt kind of detached from the situation all-together.

 

“In these scenes on tv they all make it look so clean. They don’t show how the body is drained of all the blood. If people could only smell through their screens, they really wouldn’t be looking at these programs,” Seonghwa took a swig of his beer. “God, won’t you look at her? They make us almost fall in love with the corpse.”

 

Wooyoung cocked his head to the side. He pointed to the screen where the blue face of a brunette was shown. “Are you saying you would hit that?”

 

Seonghwa looked at him in disbelief. “NO!? Why would you even  – You got a sick mind Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said shaking his head.

 

“What? You’re the one talking about falling in love with the corpse,” Wooyoung laughed. It had always been one of his greatest joys to take the piss out of Seonghwa. He was just making it so easy for him, he always said the wrong thing at the right time.

 

“Yeah, no. I’d rather go for that blond chick, she’s got something.”

 

“I’d do Harry,” Wooyoung took another swig of his beer. He felt how Seonghwa was staring at him, but it didn’t bother him. He knew that Seonghwa had always known he was gay, it was just that neither of them had ever brought it up. Maybe it was the beer, or maybe it was that somehow Wooyoung wanted to confide in someone about his feelings for San. He expected Seonghwa to say something, but instead he gulped down his beer and grabbed a new can. He tossed one over to Wooyoung as well.

 

They remained silent for a while as they opened their beers and took another slice of pizza. But then Seonghwa spoke up. “We’ve managed since you were away, but it has been kind of a chaos,” he said.

 

“How so?”

 

“Well there have just been a lot of calls and the police needed our assistance. And the big mission didn’t go entirely as planned, so the headquarters have been blowing up our phone inquiring about it,” Seonghwa said with a sigh.

 

“I checked my email this morning, but I didn’t see any email from them. What did they say? Do they want me to testify or do they need me to reconstruct the scene?” Wooyoung was eager to know. He had expected that they would inquire about him and was surprised that they hadn’t. But now Seonghwa was telling him they had?

 

“No, don’t worry about it. We were all there, we saw what happened so we talked for you. I mean, they do still want to talk with you, you know all the boring legal stuff, but San said that he had asked them to postpone it for now. Since you’re still off-duty,” Seonghwa said, trying to reassure him.  

 

But it didn’t really reassure him. When it came to the job he wanted to be on top of everything. Had he known this morning that the department wanted to speak with him, he would have gone to their office. Why hadn’t San said anything?

 

“If I had known I would have gone this morning,” Wooyoung said.

 

“San didn’t tell you? I figured he had told you,” Seonghwa said. “Was that why you were at the office this morning?”

 

“I just had to get out of my house, I felt locked up here. But no, I didn’t know. I know the basics of the procedure, but I was kind of waiting for further instructions,” Wooyoung said. “Odd that San didn’t tell me.”

 

“I don’t know, maybe he was just waiting for you to get better,” Seonghwa said as he side-eyed Wooyoung. It was like he wanted to say something else, but he left it hanging in the air. It was silent for a bit. Then Seonghwa spoke up again.

 

“San is a strange fellow, don’t you think? He seems kind of obsessive.”

 

Wooyoung jerked his head at Seonghwa’s comment. “What makes you say that?”

 

“Well, you’ve seen him. There never seems to be a moment where he’s not in his role of commander, acting all professional and stuff,” Seonghwa took another sip of his beer. “He always seems to be in control. Well, okay, safe for this week then.”

 

Wooyoung couldn’t believe what Seonghwa said. Was he trying to tell him something? “Are you trying to say I fucked up his momentum?”

 

Seonghwa shook his head and patted his shoulder. “No, No. I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. But since you’ve been away, San has been awfully on edge. The department hasn’t told him the mission failed in any way, because the warehouse was after all filled up with firearms as he had presumed. That the suspect died wasn’t as bad considering he had done time for murder. But I think San feels like it didn’t go exactly as he had planned and he’s been trying to handle the situation as best he can. He’s been working overtime, making frequent visits at the investigation team talking about god knows what. The whole squad is just waiting for him to break at some point.”

 

Seonghwa’s words shocked him. Not because he was surprised by San’s behaviour, but by the fact that he hadn’t noticed how much it had been a control thing. It did make a lot of sense: San had always been focused on getting the job done, even when he was in the army. Was he trying to get every detail right? Was that what it was, did everything need to be perfect for him? And then it hit him. Was Wooyoung the one that was making him lose control? Is that what he had been trying to fix since he was away?

 

“Tell me, what did he tell the department to do with me?” Wooyoung asked with what felt like a sore throat.  

 

“I don’t know exactly. He just told us he went to talk with them and that they will handle the situation when you come back to work. They interviewed us instead,” Seonghwa said.

 

Wooyoung didn’t know how he felt about the whole situation. Even though he had seen San just this morning, they hadn’t talked about work. He hadn’t felt like talking about it either. But it bothered him that San didn’t tell him the department had wanted to see him already, even though he had postponed it. It bothered him that he couldn’t tell that San had been working overtime which probably had left him exhausted and on edge. Why didn’t they just talk about these things?

 

“And you know the odd thing is, that despite all of this he said that he was already working on another mission with the investigation team,” Seonghwa blurted out. “I remember when I was still a police officer, I used to work with him on some murder cases and he gave me these detailed folders of information on the suspects, the places, the autopsy. God knows why he’s suddenly in our team.”

 

“Wait – you worked with him before?” Wooyoung asked bewildered.

 

“Yeah it was maybe a year ago. All that I could remember from the time I had worked with him was that obsessive nature of his. And he made it seem so graceful and effortless. No one ever told him to slow down,” Seonghwa said and he could hear a hint of sympathy in his words.

 

Wooyoung couldn’t help to relate it all back to his and San’s relationship. Was there something about the way San had behaved he could relate back to what Seonghwa was telling him now? But he realized the more he thought about it, the more he didn’t want to know about it. Because it was obvious that San was holding something back for him, he just wasn’t sure what it was.

 

“I served with him in the army. He was my buddy back then,” Wooyoung said.

 

“Oh really? How was he there?” Seonghwa asked.

 

“He was nice, he was always helping everyone. But for the most part he was just indifferent. I didn’t get to know the guy that well.”

 

 

 

 

That weekend Wooyoung had to stay home. After drinking with Seonghwa throughout the night, they had both passed out on the couch and woken up with a horrible hangover. The hangover was even worse for Wooyoung, because now both the drugs and alcohol had lost their effect and he was left with a pounding headache and the worst pain he had felt in his side so far.

 

“You’re burning up Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said as he laid a hand on his head.

 

“Come on, where are those pills of yours? Let’s get you to bed,” Seonghwa helped him off of the couch after Wooyoung had retrieved the bottle of painkillers from his pocket. They stumbled through the living room to his bedroom and somehow Seonghwa managed to help him lie in bed. He apparently was complaining about the pain so much that Seonghwa almost called the hospital.

 

“No, No! Don’t do that. I’ll be alright. The painkillers just need to kick in and then I’ll be okay,” Wooyoung said in an unconvincing manner. Seonghwa just helped him get out of his shoes and his trousers and gave him an icepack to ice the wound. If he didn’t have to work, Seonghwa would have stayed.

 

The rest of the weekend went by in a haze. Any plan of going to the office was thrown out the window as Wooyoung felt terribly feverish and woke up in a cold sweat every other moment. His body had finally given in from all the damage and the fever had taken over. Wooyoung could push himself through almost anything, but that weekend Wooyoung had to throw his towel in the ring.

 

Come Monday, he finally felt better and he was determined to be at the job even if it was for just a few hours. He didn’t expect the day to start off with a confrontation by San however.

 

“Hey, did Seonghwa stay over at your place the other night?” San was leaning against the counter of the kitchenette. Wooyoung was busy making his coffee. He looked up at San surprised.

 

“Uh… Yeah he did. Why?” Wooyoung asked.

 

San lowered his eyes. “Seonghwa told me he helped you into bed. Did something happen?” He whispered. It was like San’s eyes were on fire.

 

Shit, Wooyoung thought. Was San jealous Seonghwa stayed the night? He couldn’t help but snicker at the idea that San thought something had happened. This had to be a joke.

 

“What? You think Seonghwa and I got it on together?” He turned around to look at Seonghwa who was chatting with the team at the coffee table.

 

“Nothing happened right? Please tell me… He said you guys got drunk,” San moved his hand over the countertop and his fingers brushed over his shirt at his waist. His brow was furrowed and Wooyoung realized that San was being serious.

 

Wooyoung picked up his coffee cup and took a sip. He was kind of surprised by the assumption San was making, because it was just plain rude. Did San actually think that when he got drunk he wouldn’t be able to control himself?

 

“He sucked me off,” Wooyoung said with a dead serious face.

 

He didn’t expect that San would respond in the way that he did. Had he known he would respond like this, he wouldn’t have said it. Without warning, San roughly grabbed his wrist and his coffee spilled all over his hand. Shocked by the action and the hot content spilling over his hand, he dropped the cup and the coffee splattered all over the floor.

 

“Outch! FUCK!” Wooyoung exclaimed as he grabbed his hand. San had let go of him. Instead of saying anything, he stepped back and just stared at him with this angry look on his face.

 

“Wow! Is everything okay over there?” Seonghwa said. The team looked their way to see what the sudden fuzz was all about.

 

Wooyoung went straight for the sink and turned on the tap.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you man? I was just joking,” Wooyoung said under his breath as he felt the burn on his hand began to prickle.

 

“I got it, he spilled his coffee over his hand, ” San said. Wooyoung noticed how he stepped towards him and picked the empty cup of the floor. He felt how San moved closer to his body and then he went to roll up his sleeve for him. “I’m sorry Wooyoung. I’m so sorry.”

 

Wooyoung jerked his head to him. He saw a look of misery on San’s face. “What? You’d actually think I’d do that? You’re full of shit San.” He shoved him away and continued to cool his hand under the water stream.

 

San looked at him surprised and instead of saying something he went to grab a towel to clean up the floor.

 

“Are you okay Wooyoung?” Suddenly Yeosang stood beside him. He looked at him with concern.

 

Controlling his anger, he answered Yeosang in a calm manner. “Yeah I’m alright, I’m still a bit shaky I guess. I was sick this weekend.”

 

“Take it easy man. You know you don’t need to be here if you’re still recovering,” Yeosang said and he went back to his seat.

 

“You were sick this weekend?” San asked.

 

“If you had asked Seonghwa why he had put me to bed you would’ve known that,” Wooyoung said in response.

 

San sighed loudly. Then he stepped towards Wooyoung again and he turned off the water. Softly he grabbed Wooyoung’s hand and he wrapped a towel around it. “Come on, I’ll bring you to the medical room, we can get some cooling gel.”

 

The way he touched his hand, so lovingly and careful, it made Wooyoung want to abide and so he let San take him away to the medical room. When they were there, Wooyoung went to sit down on a chair and he held onto his hand which was now starting to sting. San looked through some of the cabinets. Finally he found something and he went to kneel in front of Wooyoung. He unwrapped the towel from his hand and opened the container with the cooling gel in it. He laid his hand in his and then softly began applying the gel.

 

“I don’t know how to do this Wooyoung,” San confessed. “I don’t know how I can be with you without getting jealous, without making a fool out of myself.”

 

“Why are you making it so hard for yourself?” Wooyoung asked him.

 

“I don’t know. It’s just… when I’m with you it’s like I can’t control what I’m doing and that scares me. My instinct is to run away or fuck things up like I did just now,” San said. “But I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to lose you.”

 

“Well here’s a tip: lose yourself. Lose control. If you really want to be with me then I need you to give me your everything,” Wooyoung leaned forward as he said those words to San. San looked at him and it was almost like he could see fear in his eyes. Then he went to embrace him.

 

“I don’t know how, Wooyoung,” San said.

 

Wooyoung hugged him back as he slid an arm behind his back. “Just try and see what happens. I trust you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wooyoung went home early that day. He still didn’t feel great and there wasn’t a lot for him to do. He had hoped that he could speak to the police department officials, but was told that they were coming to see him on Thursday. He wasn’t sure what was expected of him the other days, because he would still need at least another week to heal. He thought about asking San about this new mission he was working on and if he could maybe help out with the planning of that.

 

When he woke up the next morning, he had gotten a text:

 

_Report_

_Suspect: young male 25~27 years old_

_Situation: stolen vehicle, man driving recklessly on the highway_

_Danger: presumed to be in possession of firearms_

_Location: Seongsan Bridge_

 

He had been told that he did not have to respond to any calls. However, he was bothered that he couldn’t help the team, because a manhunt always made his heart pound harder. But there was no way his body could handle the strain of wearing his tactical gear and shooting a gun.

 

He was awake now however, so he thought he might as well go to the station and see if there was anything he could take care of now that the squad was on a mission. He took a quick shower and got dressed at a reasonable tempo. His body felt sore still, and he would have to take painkillers for the rest of the week.

 

When he drove up to the station, he saw that there were no cars in the parking lot. It was still so early, that the other staff wasn’t here yet. He walked inside the building and went straight for the meeting room, checking if there was any information on this stolen vehicle case. When he couldn’t find a fact sheet, he went to his desk to start on some simple registration work.

 

Not even an hour later, he could hear the slamming of car doors and men walking in the hallway of the building. Wooyoung turned around in his chair to see the men through the windows of the joint office. He caught the eye of San, who was walking at the back. When he saw him he stopped in his tracks. He turned around and went for the door of the joint office.

 

“Hey man, how was the mission? Was it a long pursuit?” Wooyoung asked.

 

San didn’t say anything. He had a straight face and quickly walked up to Wooyoung. Before he knew what was happening, San grabbed him by the shoulders forcing him to stand up. He seized him by his upper arm and dragged him out of the room. Wooyoung wasn’t sure what was going on, but he complied to San’s behaviour. Maybe he had to tell him something important.

 

They walked through the hallway and then went through a door that led to a different hallway. When San closed that door, he turned Wooyoung around and he put something over his eyes.

 

“What are you doing San?” Wooyoung asked bewildered. He noticed that he had put a blindfold on him.

 

“Just walk with me,” San said as he went to cross his arms behind his back. With one hand on his crossed arms he guided him through the hallway.

 

Oh, Wooyoung thought. He swallowed. San was taking him somewhere… Somewhere to fuck him?

 

They went through a different door and then through another door. Wooyoung knew this building well, but with the blindfold on he got disoriented quick enough. When they went through the last door it suddenly became very quiet, like they were in a soundproof room.

 

San let go of his arms. Wooyoung heard him walking away and he took this opportunity to take of his blind fold. Then he saw what room they were in. In front of him there was a table with on either side two chairs. On the left side he could see that there were chains attached to the table. When he looked up he could see cameras in each corner of the room. To his right side there was a big blacked-out window which you could only see through from the other side. San had taken him to the interrogation room.

 

“Did I tell you to take your blindfold off?” San walked into the room and he locked the door with a key.

 

“What are we doing here San?” Wooyoung looked at how San put the key away in his pocket.

 

San walked up to him and pushed him against the wall. “What do you think we’re doing here?” San brought his hand up to his chin. He turned his head to the side and then to the other side. “Now, where shall I mark you?”

 

Wooyoung couldn’t help but laugh. San was so eager that he dragged him out to the interrogation room which he knew had a lock. Had he planned ahead?

 

Wooyoung raised his hand in which he was still holding the blindfold. “You already marked me yesterday,” Wooyoung joked. San didn’t seem to appreciate his comment and he grabbed his hand. “Well thank you for that blindfold, I can do other things with that,” San said with a naughty smile on his face. Without warning, San turned Wooyoung around and his cheek was planted against the wall. San breathed down his ear and placed a kiss in his neck, just below his hairline. He then went to grab Wooyoung’s hands and he twisted the blindfold around his wrists. He yanked on the fabric and made a really tight knot.

 

“Owh! That hurts San,” Wooyoung was surprised by his sudden move. He didn’t expect him to be serious about getting it on in the interrogation room. Of all places he could pick, he chose the interrogation room which had cameras rolling 24/7. He wasn’t serious about this right?

 

“There was a man out on the highway in a stolen BMW,” San whispered down his ear. “He was driving fast and there were a lot of other cars on the road given that it was rush hour,” he weaved his fingers through Wooyoung’s hair, tucking a strand behind his ear. “But I was going faster. I had my full weight on the pedal and there was no way this man was going to get away from me. I almost hit a car in front us.”

 

Wooyoung felt slightly smothered as San pressed his entire weight onto his body. “You shouldn’t take risks San,” Wooyoung said, his jaw digging into the wall. San grabbed a fist of his hair, pulling his head back. “Shouldn’t I?” San said, staring into Wooyoung’s eyes with a fiery look. “Open your mouth,” he ordered. “Open it.”

 

Wooyoung did as he was told. San traced his tongue over Wooyoung’s lips. He kept looking at him all the while he was doing it. He felt how a hand slipped underneath his shirt and landed on his stomach. When his hand slid into his pants he wanted to yelp, but San smothered his moan by slipping his tongue inside Wooyoung’s mouth.

 

Wooyoung felt an unusual feeling in the pit of his stomach. The sensation of pain mixed with pleasure as San pulled on his hair, pressed his weight against him and was touching his dick was making his brain foggy. It all happened so fast that he couldn’t actually process that San was unbuckling his belt. He was breathing into San’s mouth as he kissed him and kissed him more. He didn’t even notice how he writhed under San’s touch, how he pressed his ass into San’s growing erection. When San took him in his hand he broke the kiss. The first strokes were kind of awkward, but San soon got the hang of it. He kissed him down his neck and pulled him into him. Wooyoung began breathing harder and louder.

 

“Ah Wooyoung-ah, I want to fuck you,” San pushed back onto Wooyoung’s body and because his hands were still tied behind his back he slammed against the wall. His chest hit the wall quite hard and he felt a jolt go through his body. It went black in front of his eyes. He felt how San was pulling his pants down and his boxers as well. For a moment Wooyoung was still feeling what they were up to. He was horny and he wanted San more than anything. He felt how San undid his own pants messily and then his dick slapped onto his naked butt cheeks. San had placed his head in the crook of Wooyoung’s neck and was breathing loud, the same way he had once done in that tent during an army training. He rubbed his body against Wooyoung’s and slowly he positioned his cock at Wooyoung’s entrance. He moved his cock up and down between his cheeks and was dry humping him more or less. When San tried to push inside of him Wooyoung was brought back to reality.

 

“Stop San! What do you think you’re doing?” Wooyoung said out of breath. He turned side-ways so he could face San.

 

San looked at him in shock. “I thought we were…” he started.

 

“What? You were going to put it in me just like that?” Wooyoung saw that San’s cheeks were flustered.

 

“I thought you… I thought you wanted this,” San struggled to say. He stood there in shock. Feeling exposed, he quickly began to put his dick back into his pants, which was still throbbing hard. The confusion on his face explained to Wooyoung what was going on.

 

San didn’t know how to fuck a boy. Of course, he had never been with a man, how would he know? It still surprised Wooyoung however. San was eager, but he didn’t even know how to handle someone with care. He had been very rough just now and he felt his chest beginning to ache.

 

“Not like this San, it doesn’t work like this,” he said, trying to sound a bit less harsh than he was just now. He realized how exposed he was with his pants down. “Can you please untie my hands now,” he was still not sure why he had tied his hands. Was this his way of telling him he was into some BDSM? San approached him timidly and carefully went to untie his hands.

 

“Are you this rough with girls as well?” Wooyoung asked as he rubbed over his hands when they were finally free. He pulled up his boxers and pants.

 

“No… not always,” San said, unsure of himself. “Did I hurt you?” There was panic in his eyes.

 

“You were about to hurt me more,” Wooyoung said. He put a hand over his wound that was starting to feel sore again.

 

San went to sit down on the edge of the table and put his head in his hands. “I forgot about your wound. God, I am making such a fool out of myself,” San said and he could hear the pain in his voice.

 

Even if Wooyoung was supposed to get mad at San for how he had treated him just know, he couldn’t be mad at him. He could even somehow understand that he had forgotten about his wound. Sometimes Wooyoung even forgot about the fact that he had shot someone, because he was preoccupied with the idea that San and him were having a thing. It was because it was San that he could forget about the mistakes he made.

 

“You forgot about my wound? How could you?” Wooyoung scoffed in a joking manner. It wasn’t about the pain he caused to his wound, but it was clear that San didn’t know what he was talking about. He saw that San was eating himself up and he wanted to clear the air. There was too much tension and he needed San to relax, to not beat himself up over this. And he needed to explain what was actually going wrong.

 

Wooyoung approached San and went to sit next to him on the table. “Why do I always hurt you?” San said.

 

“You didn’t do it on purpose, right?” Wooyoung bumped his shoulder against San’s.

 

“No, no I didn’t do it on purpose. When I’m with you I just lose common sense, I’m an idiot.”

 

“Yeah, you’re an idiot.”

 

It was silent for a minute. San fumbled with his fingers.

 

“If you changed your mind about us, you can just tell me,” San broke the silence.

 

Wooyoung grabbed San’s hand. San looked up to him and he had a sad look on his face. His lips were in a straight line and his eyes darted over his face, like he was trying to read his face. “No, I haven’t you silly. It’s just that you tried to fuck me just now without any preparation and… What were you going to do with me? Fuck me on this table? Oh wait, I get it.” He pointed at the camera’s in the corners of the room. “You have those cameras rolling so you can playback what we did here and see it from all angles. Smart move, San.”

 

“NO!” A smile appeared on San’s face and he buried his head in Wooyoung’s lap in shame. “No, that wasn’t exactly my plan,” San said in a muffled voice in his lap. Wooyoung was intrigued by this side of San. It was his humble side where he could show that he was ashamed, but where he also owned up to his mistakes.

 

“So you did have a plan?” Wooyoung teased him.

 

San groaned and Wooyoung needed to remind himself that they weren’t going to have sex in here. The way San moved his head in his lap was making it hard for him however. Luckily he sat back up to explain what his plan was. “I had a key and I knew that this room wasn’t used often. I figured if I put the camera’s off no one would know we’re here and the soundproof walls would muffle your moans.”

 

“Oh just my moans? You know your plan missed one very important thing.”  

 

“What’s that?”

 

“The lube.”

 

San looked at him in shock.

 

“Now don’t tell me you haven’t done your research. Broke Back Mountain doesn’t count, you think that was enjoyable for Jake Gyllenhaal?”

 

San looked at his hands in his lap. “I… I watched some porn videos.”

 

“And why do you think those bottoms enjoy it so much?”

 

“Uh… They’re prepared… Down there,” San could barely get it out of his mouth.

 

“Why do you think that it would be any different for me?” Wooyoung asked, genuinely curious.

 

San sighed. “I just thought that it would be too much of a hassle, a vibe killer. And I… I didn’t want to bother you with those questions.”

 

“San,” Wooyoung said as he turned San’s face toward him so he would look him in the eyes. “How many times do I have to tell you that we can talk about anything? And don’t you know that foreplay is everything?”

 

San nodded slowly, his lips still in a straight line.

 

Wooyoung could tell that San was really venturing into a new territory. He literally had no clue what he was doing, but he did have the urges. Normally he would reject a guy that had only been with girls, because they were so rough. But it was San this time.

 

“I’ll tell you what, why don’t we try this tonight at my house? And this time we’ll do it the right way and you will ask me all the questions you have,” Wooyoung said boldly.

 

San turned to look at him. “Are you serious?” San said in disbelief.

 

“Dead serious. We’ll drive home together after work, get the essentials from the shop,” he couldn’t believe he was planning to have sex with San at his house.

 

San grabbed his hands. “I’ll be good to you, I swear. If I do anything stupid, please tell me.”

 

“Now go out there and get out of these work clothes. I have to show my face in the office, they’ve already seen my car outside.”

 

“So we’ll meet at your car tonight then?” San wanted to confirm.

 

With a pounding heart Wooyoung said yes.

 


	4. TANGO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long guys.   
> Anyway, here's 10k of smut.  
> * goes to bathe in holy water *

“Can I drive?” San put a hand on the handle of the driver’s door and side-eyed Wooyoung. There was a determined look on his face.

 

“Sure,” Wooyoung said as he tossed the key to San. He walked on to the passenger’s side and opened the door. He carefully went to sit inside and slammed the car door shut. San went to sit in the driver’s seat and the leather of the seat squeaked under his movement. He slammed the door shut and sighed.

 

Wooyoung moved to caress San’s hand that was clenching the steering wheel. “Let’s drive through Gangnam on the way back home,” he said. San’s eyes darted over Wooyoung’s body. Wooyoung saw how his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed once. He nodded and put the key in the ignition.

 

The way to Gangnam was spent in silence and all Wooyoung could do was stare at him. The way he bit his fingernail when he had to wait in front of a red light, the way he put the car into gear and stepped on the gas even if he had to hit the brake soon because they were in the city. The way he gripped the steering wheel, rubbing it as if it was cold and needed to warm up still. He was such a police man when he was driving, taking short turns and driving with only one hand on the steering wheel. He was so focused on the road that he didn’t even hear the crappy music that was playing on the radio. Wooyoung didn’t even care to change it: he was so distracted by the idea that San was driving him home to fuck him that a stupid song was the last thing that could bother him tonight.

 

They pulled up to a busy street with a bunch of neon signs hanging above little shops selling all types of goods. There was a 7eleven, a Paris Baguette, there were some make-up stores, clothing stores and a few karaoke’s here and there. There were buildings that had several tiny shops in them that could be entered by taking an elevator. Some of these buildings had up to 7 levels. Driving through the street was almost impossible since there were so many pedestrians, but they managed to drive slowly to the end where they could park the car on the side of the road.

 

“So where do we go?” San said as he turned off the car. He seemed kind of nervous, fidgeting with the keychain in his hand.

 

“We?” Wooyoung scoffed. San turned his head towards him and looked at him with a furrowed brow.

 

“You said we needed to be here, I don’t know where to go to,” San said kind of in shock. He was searching Wooyoung’s face for an explanation.

 

Wooyoung grinned. “Did you see that red sign earlier? it said ‘Red Container’.” San nodded. “Just go into that building and take the elevator, I think it was level 5 or something.”

 

Confusion spread over San’s face. “Wait – you’re coming with me right?”

 

“The two of us going in there together? Hell no. Two man walking into a sex shop? You’re kidding me right,” Wooyoung said. San just looked at him in disbelief.

 

“What? You’re telling me you haven’t been there before with another man?”

 

Wooyoung bumped his fist against San’s shoulder. “Ow!” San rubbed his shoulder in pain and sighed. “You want me to go in there instead of you?”

 

“I don’t know what your condom size is?” Wooyoung threw his hands up. San side-eyed him and the blush on his cheeks could be seen.

 

Wooyoung traced a finger over San’s jawline. San avoided his eyes. “You want this or no?” Wooyoung taunted him.

 

San pushed his hair back with his fingers. “What do I have to get there?” He said through his gritted teeth.

 

Wooyoung smiled. “Some lube. Get any flavour you like, I don’t care. Oh, and get some lubed up condoms.”

 

San went to undo his seatbelt and for some reason went to adjust his pants. Wooyoung just looked at him intrigued. He grabbed his wallet that he had put on the dashboard and slid it in his back pocket. He adjusted his jacket.

 

“Oh and if you find anything else you’d like to try just buy it,” Wooyoung said while trying to hold back his laugh.

 

San turned to face him. “The things I do for you,” San said and then he moved in to give him a kiss on his lips. Wooyoung was taken aback by his gesture and watched as he went out of the car and walked down the road to the Red Container. 

 

A few minutes later he saw San walk back to the car. He had a quick pace and when he reached the car he sat down quickly and slammed the door shut. He dropped a plastic bag in Wooyoung’s lap and proceeded to put the key in the ignition. He put the car into gear and stepped on the gas.

 

“That was quick, let me see what you got,” Wooyoung said as he looked at San in surprise. It seemed he wanted to get out of here as quick as possible. Wooyoung opened the bag and saw that San had gotten several things.

 

“Two bottles of lube, okay good job. Yeah, I like strawberry as well,” Wooyoung said as if he was reviewing grocery products.

 

“Hey don’t look at that now, wait till we’re home,” San patted down on the bag while still looking at the road. Wooyoung noticed the panic in his voice.

 

“That’s okay San, no need to be embarrassed,” Wooyoung grinned. San side-eyed him with a furrowed brow.

 

Wooyoung continued to look through the bag as he pushed San’s hand aside. It lingered on his thigh. There were some condoms in there – he was glad he hadn’t picked the biggest size just because of a big ego. And then he found a square box with a see-through plastic to see what was inside.

 

“What’s this…” Wooyoung started. From the corner of his eye he saw San was biting his lip and gripping the steering wheel. Carefully Wooyoung went to open the box.

 

“Wait till we’re home,” San said as he squeezed his thigh. Wooyoung ignored him and took out the object from the box.

 

“You got me a butt plug?” Wooyoung said in amazement.

 

San looked at him worriedly. He pulled back his hand from his thigh. “I – I don’t know. Shouldn’t I have?” The blush on his cheeks intensified.

 

“No it’s okay,” Wooyoung smiled. He was so intrigued by San’s bold move, yet he was sitting there squirming in his seat like he was 16 and was going to have sex for the first time. Well, he was kind of. He didn’t expect San to buy a gift like this for him, considering that he needed to be instructed on what to buy earlier. Wooyoung was loving the tension he created however and he wanted to be just as bold.

 

“I can’t wait for you to insert it,” Wooyoung said and he went to lick the butt plug tentatively.

 

San’s jaw dropped. He didn’t know where to look, to the road or to him. Wooyoung moved in to swirl his tongue round the object and took it in his mouth. San pressed a hand through his hair and breathed in, moving in his seat. Wooyoung laughed and pulled the plug from his mouth and placed it back in the box.

 

“Thank you,” he said innocently. San went to place his hand back on Wooyoung’s thigh and squeezed it harder.

 

 

 

 

When they drove up to the building where Wooyoung lived, Wooyoung could feel a funny feeling in his stomach. He knew this was going to happen all day, yet he hadn’t felt any nerves. Now, he all of a sudden became very nervous and his heart began to race when San pulled the key from the ignition and the car went still. He grabbed the bag from his lap and went to step out of the car. San soon followed him and they walked up to his door.

 

“I have no idea in what state I left my apartment this morning,” Wooyoung said as he fumbled with the keypad to press the right numbers.

 

“That’s okay,” San said shortly. They walked into the building and they waited for the lift to go down. They were silent as they waited. When they stepped into the lift and the doors closed they stared at each other. San laughed and Wooyoung joined him. It was obvious they were both nervous, even though San had seemed so eager this morning and wasn’t worried about any shame. The way they had agreed to meet this night made everything less spontaneous and a little bit awkward.

 

Wooyoung was relieved when he stood in front of his apartment door and finally entered the familiarity of his own home. “Well fuck, do you want a drink or something?” Wooyoung said to relieve the tension.

 

San walked in and he looked around curiously. “Yes, please,” he said as he wandered over to the living room. “You have a nice home,” he said in a genuine manner.

 

Wooyoung dropped the plastic bag on the dinner table and he was glad he could disappear in the kitchen for a little bit. He went to remove his jacket, suddenly noticing that he was sweating a little from the drive home. He threw his jacket on one of his kitchen chairs and then went straight to the fridge. He still had some chilled white wine and vodka. He debated to get the vodka, but then he changed his mind. No, he thought, he didn’t want to get wasted tonight. Tonight, he was going to finally sleep with the man he had desired for so long. To drink would be a horrible mistake, he wouldn’t be able to feel how San would kiss his skin, let alone move inside of him… He grabbed the wine and retrieved two glasses from the cabinet. He swallowed hard, just thinking about what was going to happen tonight. It was trippy to think about and if it wasn’t for the noise he heard coming from the living room, he would swear he was dreaming right now.

 

“Is this your True Crime collection?” San asked as Wooyoung walked into the living room, bottle of wine in one hand, two glasses in the other. San was standing next to his DVD collection, something he owned a lot of after spending some years alone in this apartment. He smiled and placed the bottle and glasses on the table, walking towards San.

 

“I like the Scandinavian ones the most. They’re so dark, yet the people there seem so friendly,” Wooyoung said as he moved close to San’s body. He went to place his hand over San’s that was going along the spines of the DVD cases. He retrieved one box from the collection. “This one here is a recent addition. It’s from Iceland, it’s quite good.” He handed over the DVD to San who looked at it interested.

 

“’Trapped’. Never heard of it, what’s it about?”

 

“It’s about a remote town in Iceland where a murder has taken place, but was never solved. The scenery of the cold and stormy Icelandic landscape really gives the whole series an eerie feeling. I can put it own in the background if you want to?” Wooyoung asked. San was quick to nod his head at his proposal. Wooyoung kneeled down to his DVD player and turned the TV on.

 

“Sit down, make yourself at home. If there’s anything you need, just let me know,” Wooyoung said as he placed the disk in the DVD player. He heard how San went to sit down as his leather couch creaked under his movement. The series started playing with some loud music and Wooyoung went to sit down next to San while looking for the remote to turn the volume down.

 

“Is white wine okay with you?” Wooyoung asked as he went to grab the bottle of wine. San nodded again, folding his hands in front of him. San poured two glasses, filling up San’s glass just a bit more than his. He gave the glass to San.

 

“You’re not drinking that much because of your painkillers?” San asked as they clinked their glasses. Wooyoung went to lean back and took a sip. He shook his head.

 

“No. No, I don’t really want to get intoxicated tonight. I want to feel things,” he said as he stared into San’s eyes. San hesitated for a moment. Then he placed his glass on the table.

 

“You’re right. I shouldn’t drink either,” he said. He sighed, as if he was waiting to do something but didn’t know how to or when, when he suddenly went to sit closer to Wooyoung on the couch, their hips touching each other. He stretched his arms in the air, pretending to stretch his body, and then he laid his arm on the couch and leaned just a little bit closer into Wooyoung’s body.

 

“So how does this work?” San asked, as he looked at Wooyoung with his eyes half closed. Wooyoung couldn’t help but grin. San returned his smile, aware of what he was doing. Wooyoung placed a hand on San’s thigh and leaned forward.

 

“Oh, but for this I do need another sip, hold up,” he went to take a sip and placed the glass down again. It was amazing how it felt to lean back in to his body, closing the space between them as San was literally leaning over him. He felt his breath down his neck and San’s hand travelled over his thigh like he was his possession.

 

“So can I be frank about all of this?” Wooyoung asked as he looked up at San. He was really unsure how to handle this. He never really had to deal with this before, since he had always slept with men of whom he was sure that they were gay. He wasn’t even sure what San’s attraction to him meant for his sexuality. Was he gay or was he bi? And was he really the first man he ever had had any interest in?

 

“Yes, please be frank,” San said confidently, although he could notice a hint of uncertainty.

 

“You told me you’ve never been with men. Is that true? Like you have never even kissed a man before?”

 

“I’m not gay.”

 

Wooyoung jerked his head at his comment. “Well you’re not straight either. But you’re telling me you have never had any interest in men before?”

 

San shook his head and lowered his gaze. He circled his thumb over Wooyoung’s thigh. “I don’t know, there’s just something about you Wooyoung. I’ve had similar feelings with women. But it has never felt like this before.”

 

Wooyoung felt his gut clench.

 

“Does it bother you if you will be the only man I would ever date?” San asked, his eyes still lowered.

 

“Would it bother me… You’re asking me if we can date!?” Wooyoung leaned back and looked at San in surprise.

 

“We can keep it casual if that’s what you want… I don’t know, I just want to be with you for as long as you let me be,” San said with his eyes still lowered. His cheeks became flushed. He looked up, met Wooyoung’s gaze then looked to the table and grabbed his glass of wine, taking a big gulp.

 

“You said you wouldn’t drink,” Wooyoung said, unable to say anything else.

 

“Yeah, but you’re making me nervous with all this talk,” San said, placing down his drink and slowly leaning back into the couch. When he looked at him, Wooyoung knew he was serious about them being together. He was unsure of what to say. He wanted to say he had dreamed of this since a long time and he had always imagined him to like him this much, but he failed to find the right words to say it. Instead he just found San’s hand that was close to his body and held onto it, to feel closer to him than he already was. Their eyes darted over each other’s faces and Wooyoung realized that San was waiting for him to finally release the tension and to do what they came here to do.

 

“Okay so,” Wooyoung started. This time he lowered his eyes, nervous to start off the awkward talk of what gay sex actually entailed. But he knew he had to do it, because he wanted their first time to be the best it could ever be, so that if this were to work out they could do it again and again. To make it easier for him to talk through this, he played with San’s hand, tracing the veins on the back of his hand and feeling the knuckles on his fingers.

 

“A vagina is made to fuck, an asshole not so much. But we can make it work if we make it function as such.”

 

He saw how San breathed in as his chest went slightly up. He let Wooyoung play with his hand.

 

“So what we’re going to do is take a shower first. I’ll make sure I’m all clean down there, I’ll spare you the details of that at least. But I haven’t eaten all day so we’re good.” He cleared his throat. “So you know that if you want to fuck me, I have to be stretched down there. Do you want to help me with that or should I do it myself?”

 

San traced his fingers over the back of Wooyoung’s hand. “No, I want to help.” He made it sound like he was confident about it.

 

“Okay. So we bought the lube to help us with that. Basically you should just finger me down there, but what helps as well is if you would eat me out.”

 

He waited for San’s response, but it took so long he cringed at himself for ever bringing it up in the first place. It was his first time, why the hell would he ask him to eat him out already? He should just save him the embarrassment and prepare himself instead so they can just fuck immediately.

 

“Okay.” Did he hear that right? Did he just say okay? Wooyoung stopped fidgeting with his hand and looked up. San looked at him with a straight face and he knew that he had meant it.

 

“If you don’t want to I’m totally okay with that, I would understand if you think it’s weird or gross,” Wooyoung said in a panic. He really didn’t want to pressure him into doing something he didn’t want to do.

 

“What makes you think that I don’t want to do that?” San said, dead serious. “I want you. I want everything of you.”

 

Wooyoung swallowed. Was San actually the man of his dreams? A man that he liked, wanted to treat him right and satisfy him sexually? His groin was starting to ache.

 

“A- Alright.” San’s stare created knots in his stomach. He just couldn’t deal with the fact that what he was willing to do was actually going to happen tonight and as it overwhelmed him he had to look down again, to fidget with San’s stupid manly hand.

 

“You’re dick is quite big so you should at least stretch to about four fingers.”

 

“I have a big dick?”

 

“Don’t pretend girls never said that to you.”

 

“I bought the butt plug because I thought it was quite my size.”

 

Wooyoung couldn’t believe he had actually checked the size of the butt plug and had not just gone for the regular option. Maybe San was more confident about this than he had thought, he was just bad at controlling his impulsive urges.  

 

“Can I ask something?” San suddenly said.

 

“Yes of course, you can ask anything,” Wooyoung said, awaiting curiously what San was about to ask. Although he could notice the hesitation in his voice.

 

He moved to link their fingers together, rubbing his thumb over the palm of Wooyoung’s hand. “How do men usually take you?” It was almost like a whisper.

 

“From behind. You can take me every which way you want to take me,” Wooyoung said. San squeezed his hand. He noticed how he also started to clench his thighs together. Wooyoung was already feeling warm and fuzzy inside. He usually never got to enjoy such intense foreplay that only existed of them talking together. It felt special.

 

San was breathing down his neck in a pattern that was almost even, save for some longer inhales. There was so much tension hanging in the air, that every big movement would result in one of them going in for a kiss, or maybe San was going to push him down on his back and press his weight onto him. He knew San was hard in his pants, and if it wasn’t for the fact that he was holding his hand he would have had a hard time controlling the urge to slip his hand down his pants. But a growing warmth in the pit of his stomach made him hungry for so much more and the close proximity of San was just becoming too much. Luckily San broke the silence.

 

“So shall we take a shower?” He said.

 

“No, you go take a shower first. If we’ll go in there together I won’t be able to control myself and water just doesn’t make for great lube,” Wooyoung scooted forward, letting go of San’s hand. His palm was a little sweaty and the cold hit his thigh where just now had been the warmth of San’s body. “I’ll watch some of the series. Murder will get me in the mood,” like he wasn’t in the mood already.

 

San laughed. Wooyoung stood up and awkwardly came to the realization he was already hard. When San noticed, he stood up as well, no longer feeling the need to hide the growth in his pants. “I’ll show you to the bathroom,” Wooyoung said as he tried not to look at San’s crotch. However, San was looking shamelessly at him. He turned around and went to his bedroom to grab a sweatpants and shirt for San to wear. He needed some time in the bathroom so he couldn’t leave San in just a bathrobe waiting for him. San lingered in the door and he felt his eyes in his back. As he leaned down to his drawers he felt the ache in his side, reminding him of his wound and the painkillers he still had to take. It was going to be tough, but the adrenaline that was raging through his body would take away most of the pain. He reached for the bottle on his bedside table and then walked to San with the clothing package.

 

“You can wear this after you took a shower,” Wooyoung said. San accepted the clothing from him.

 

“Still taking painkillers?” He inquired.

 

“As long as I can take them, I’ll take them,” Wooyoung said and he went to walk to the bathroom. He opened the door and turned on the light and pointed to the cabinet that stored the towels. “Help yourself, I’ll be in the living room.”

 

San walked into the bathroom and placed down the clothing on the sink. He went to unbuckle his belt and looked at Wooyoung while doing so. Before he could strip, Wooyoung closed the door with a grin.

 

When he sat down on the couch, he realized that San was now showering naked and he had declined the offer of showering together. He realized that he could just walk in there and join him if he wanted to, he knew that San hadn’t locked the door. He shouldn’t, he thought, he really shouldn’t go in there… But he wanted to. He grabbed the remote control and turned up the volume, trying to follow the storyline of the Icelandic series as best as he could to refrain from going to San. He grabbed the bottle of pills and decided to take in two of them. He knew that San could be rough, and he wasn’t sure how much strain it would put on his body and especially his ribs if he was pounding into him. Just thinking about it caused a warmth to flood to his cheeks. He threw the pills in his mouth and dry-swallowed them.

 

He heard the bathroom door open and then San walked into the living room. He was wearing his sweats and he was astonished how good they looked on him. He stood up, with the remote in his hand and he walked towards San. He walked into his body, on purpose, to wrap an arm around his body and breathe in the shower gel he had used. San breathed in, shocked by his sudden touch.

 

“Here’s the remote, I’ll take a while,” Wooyoung said and he let go of San again. San tried to hold onto his arm as he turned around.

 

Wooyoung jogged to the bathroom and when he was inside he locked the door immediately. His heart was fluttering and he didn’t know whether he was going to survive all of this. He looked around the bathroom and noticed that San had left his clothes there. He walked towards the pile of clothing and without thinking much he went to fold them neatly. When he picked up his pants he noticed that his boxers were there as well. Wooyoung stopped. What!? He had left his boxers here? Wooyoung thought. He hadn’t given him any of his boxers, so that meant he wasn’t wearing any beneath those sweatpants. He swallowed hard and then tried to focus on folding the clothes without letting his thoughts go elsewhere.

 

He turned on the shower and undressed quickly. He wiped the mirror clean that had went foggy from San’s shower and he inspected his body. However, as soon as he looked in the mirror he wanted to look away again. Fuck, he thought. He looked horrible. Why did he think it was a good idea to have sex with San looking like this? His entire right side was black and blue from bruising. It made his body look deformed, even though he had quite a fit body. He buried his head in his hands. Fuck! Well, he had to endure it and hope for the best. If San was repulsed he could always lie face down.

 

He jumped into the shower and went to clean his body as best as he could. His range of motion was still limited, since the wound remained to cause a lot of discomfort. Bending over made his breathing become hitched and when he stood up again he had to lean on the bathroom tiles so as not to topple over. Maybe no continuous doggy style? He shampooed his hair and was his body and then grabbed the razer from the little basket. He always shaved, just because it gave him more pleasure if everything was clean down there. The problem was that because of his bruised ribs, he wasn’t able to bent down. He realized that he would have to wax if he wanted to be presentable. He cleaned himself down there, something that wasn’t really comfortable to do, but something that he would regret if he didn’t do it. When he was done he turned of the shower, grabbed a towel and went to look through the cabinets for his waxing strips. When he found them he went to lie down on the bathroom floor, trying as much not to whine from the pain he was experiencing. When he lay flat on his back, he lifted up his left leg and placed the waxing strip on his butthole and under his balls. He smoothed it down, making sure that with one pull he would get all the hairs removed. He grabbed one end of the strip and prepared himself mentally for the pain that was to come. He bit down on the palm of his hand – he really didn’t want San to hear him scream. When he ripped the strip off, his response was to bend forward and he heard a crack in his ribs.

 

“Fuck.” For a moment he just saw black and then little stars occupied his vision. It hurt so bad that he felt paralyzed and he realized how dumb he was for thinking this was a good idea. But then again, he thought, if this hurt so bad, how bad can San’s cock be?

 

Somehow he managed to get up. He felt the ache in his side and cursed himself for making the wound feel more sensitive. He threw away the wax strip and found baby wipes to cool the area. As he combed through his hair, he looked at himself in the mirror and realized that this was really going to happen and that he had to walk out this door any time now. He sprayed a tiny bit of cologne over his body, the one he always wore. Throwing away the towel, he found his bathrobe on the hook of the door and he went to wrap it around him. He wasn’t going to get dressed, because he knew it wouldn’t be necessary. The butterflies in his stomach were going crazy. With one last look in the mirror, he opened the door and stepped into the hallway.

 

San looked up as he walked into the living room. He felt naked, even if he was wearing a bathrobe. Without saying anything he went to walk to the couch and sat next to him carefully. He felt a jolt through his body, both from being nervous and the ache in his side. San looked at him as he sat down and his gaze went down to his chest that peaked through his slightly open bathrobe.

 

“Are you okay?” San asked concerned. Wooyoung had made the slightest groan as he sat down and crinkled his nose and San had noticed.

 

“Yeah, it’s alright. My body is just still working against me,” Wooyoung said as he leaned back into the couch. San moved to place his arm behind him. He noticed he was breathing loudly, out of breath from what he had done in the bathroom and the strain it had put on his body. San looked at him curiously and his eyes darted over his body. Then he slowly went to pull away his robe.

 

San checked with Wooyoung before he went to touch his wound. Wooyoung breathed in through his teeth, his touch felt searing hot and what it implied made Wooyoung lightheaded and he closed his eyes.

 

“You change before me like a work of art,” San’s voice was near his ear and it caught him of guard. When he opened his eyes and turned to look at San his lips found his.

 

The kiss that followed was slow and intense. San placed his hand flat on his chest as if he wanted to steady him. He moved into the kiss, wetting their lips with the tip of his tongue. Wooyoung breathed in and San went in to deepen the kiss. His heart was pounding, it felt like it was pounding out of his chest.

 

“You become more beautiful every time I see you,” San breathed onto his lips. The cold wind that touched his bare chest created a stark contrast with San’s warm hand that was slowly moving up over his chest. He moved over his left nipple and lingered there to circle it with his thumb. It made Wooyoung writhe under his touch and he had to gasp for air. Before he could breathe in through his mouth, San moved his hand to grab his jaw and deepen the kiss even more. He slid his tongue inside and circled his tongue slowly. San smiled into the kiss.

 

“Am I making you nervous? I can feel you trembling under my touch,” he said while grinning.

 

Wooyoung shook his head and lowered his eyes. “You went ahead and undressed me, I’m shaking because I’m cold,” he looked down at his body and only parts of him were still covered by the robe. The belt had loosened significantly.

 

San followed his gaze and looked down at his body. Then his hand suddenly moved down to where his belt was loosely tied. Slowly, he pulled on the belt and untied it. Wooyoung looked at him in shock as he went to push the robe aside to expose his entire body. His eyes darted over him, lingering on his crotch and up to his eyes again. He placed a hand on his thigh and massaged it.

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll make you warm within no time,” San said nonchalantly.

 

That was it for Wooyoung. He was done for. He wanted him now, he needed him now. Without hesitating he went to stand up and he walked over to the dinner table. He grabbed the bag with stuff from the sex shop.

 

“Turn off the tv and come to my bedroom,” Wooyoung announced, walking over to his bedroom, his bathrobe still wide open. San was behind him within no time and they walked into the bedroom together. Wooyoung emptied the bag onto his bed and the lube, condoms and butt plug landed on his bed. He threw the plastic bag to the side and then he felt San kissing his neck. San went to remove his bathrobe and it dropped to the ground. His hands moved over his body and he went to embrace him in a back hug.

 

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to control myself Wooyoung,” San said with a trembling voice.

 

Wooyoung turned around in his arms. “Control yourself?”

 

“I want to fuck you hard, really hard,” he stared into his eyes as he pulled him closer.

 

“Then do it,” Wooyoung said. He went to step back and he touched the bed with the back of his legs. San followed his movements and went to sit down on the bed, moving the lube and other stuff to the side so Wooyoung could sit down. San went to lean over Wooyoung so he was forced to lie down on his back. He felt a funny feeling in his gut as San went down to kiss him and move his hand over his chest. His hand travelled down and then he grabbed his cock.

 

“Ah! W- wait,” Wooyoung was surprised by his sudden touch and broke the kiss. He moved down his hand to stop San.

 

“I want to make you feel good Wooyoung,” San said as he slowly began to move up and down. He wanted to make San stop, but it felt so good. His hand was so warm and gripped his cock so good. He relaxed and fell back into the sheets. San found his mouth again and a slow kiss commenced. But soon Wooyoung got out of breath and he had to break the kiss to breathe. San looked down at him, staring at him from under his lashes and together with his slow but consistent strokes he became dizzy. He closed his eyes and he felt how San was moving down.

 

“You have a beautiful cock Wooyoung,” San breathed down on his already hard cock and Wooyoung jolted upright at the sudden comment.

 

“What are you doing?” Wooyoung managed to say as he propped himself up on one arm.

 

San hesitated for a moment. He glanced at Wooyoung, before he stroked him a few more times. Wooyoung felt embarrassed, but he was also so turned on that San was just lying there and holding his cock. Then all of a sudden San stuck out his tongue and went to lick the length of his cock.

 

“Aaah!” Wooyoung exclaimed, opening his mouth wide being totally stunned by the wetness of San’s tongue on his cock. He fell back on his back and instinctively perched up his hips from pleasure. This was not good, he was going to come if he was going to suck him off like this. “Ah San, this is not… a good i-…” before he could finish his sentence he felt how San took him in his mouth and circled his tongue round his head. Wooyoung groaned and grasped the sheets. He looked down and the sight of San taking his cock was such a beautiful thing to see he wanted to ingrain it in the back of his eyelids. Their eyes met for a quick second and then San moved down his shaft.

 

Wooyoung reached down to find San’s other hand. “Stop San, I don’t want to come yet,” Wooyoung said out of breath. San stopped moving and then he pulled his cock out of his mouth. He traced his thumb over his lower lip to wipe away his saliva.

 

“You taste better than I expected,” he said. “Now where’s that lube.”

 

Wooyoung felt a knot in his stomach. He searched the sheets to find the strawberry flavoured lube. When he went to give the bottle to San, he grasped it quickly from his hands which surprised him. He saw that San had that sultry look in his eyes again, that look where he knew he was very horny. It was already obvious from the tent in his sweatpants.

 

“Turn over,” San commanded. As horny as Wooyoung was, he obeyed him immediately. San stood up and Wooyoung wondered what he was going to do. Then he felt how he was pulling his left leg up. “Come on pull that leg up, I need some room to slide my tongue down your ass.” Wooyoung turned his head to look at what San was doing. There was a confident look on his face, as if he knew exactly what he was doing. He leaned down to grab his thigh just below his butt cheek and he squeezed it tightly. Wooyoung clenched his thighs in response.

 

“I can’t believe this ass is mine,” San leaned down and went to spread his cheeks apart. Wooyoung felt so exposed and the anticipation was killing him.

 

“Just do it already,” Wooyoung begged.

 

San presented two fingers under Wooyoung’s nose. Wooyoung knew exactly what to do and he went to take them in his mouth. He wetted them till their knuckles and then San pulled them out of his mouth. “Spit on them,” he said. Wooyoung did as he was told and San grinned widely. He moved down the bed and went to sit close to his side, pulling up his leg just a bit more which resulted in an aching feeling in his cock. When San placed his fingers on his hole he jolted forward in response.

 

San grabbed his leg and pulled it closer to him, laying it over his thigh. “Try not to move,” he said calmly. Wooyoung looked up to San in surprise. How was he supposed to stay still? It felt so amazing and he felt the need to perch up his hips as San circled his hole.

 

San let go of his leg for a second to grab the bottle of lube. Naturally, his leg slid down. Wooyoung felt how San let some lube drip on his hole and he massaged it in there. He couldn’t help but move under his touch. He saw how he made his fingers slick with the lube and then he threw the bottle to the side. He pulled up his leg again, a bit more aggressive than the last time.

 

“Now stay still,” San ordered. Wooyoung brought his hand up to his mouth, biting down on his nails to try and focus on keeping still. San placed his fingers back on his hole, creating a different sensation than just now as the lube created less friction. Wooyoung gritted his teeth as he tried to focus. It felt so good and he knew what was to come. When San finally did insert one finger, Wooyoung let out a moan as he tried to relax his muscles as best he could.

 

“Fuck, you’re really tight,” San said as he pushed down his finger till his knuckle. Wooyoung clenched around him upon hearing San swear.

 

“After this you will not want anything else,” Wooyoung said through his gritted teeth. “It’s the best pussy you will ever get.”

 

“I bet,” San said as he slid his finger out and then pushed it inside again. “How do I make you relax man? You’re really tight.”

 

“Lick me,” Wooyoung said as he hid his face behind his hand. San pulled out his finger and Wooyoung shook slightly.

 

“Okay,’ San said and he went to stand up from the bed. The bed moved and then Wooyoung felt San’s hands on his ass. He massaged his cheeks and then spread them apart. When he felt the tip of San’s tongue trace the back off his balls up to his hole, he buried his face in the sheets to suppress a moan.

 

Wooyoung thought that San must have pleasured a lot of ladies, because the way his tongue was tracing his opening send shivers down his spine. He couldn’t help but writhe under his touch, it was too intense for him to keep still. Then San pushed his tongue inside him and Wooyoung let out an embarrassingly loud moan.

 

“There we go,” San said as he went to push inside his thumb and kept licking him. Wooyoung pulled back his arm, reaching down to find San’s hand so as to steady himself. He needed to squeeze something, because the warm feeling inside his gut became too much to bear. He found San’s hand and held on for dear life.

 

“Do you think you can get on your knees? I need more room,” San asked. Wooyoung was not really sure if he could take the pressure on his ribs, but his body responded sooner than his mind. He pulled up his legs and perched his butt up in the air.

 

“Fuck yes, this is a good angle,” San said. He searched for the lube and squirted some more of the slick stuff on Wooyoung’s hole. He placed a hand on his lower back, steadying Wooyoung before going in to insert two fingers. Wooyoung instinctively clenched around his fingers and pleasure overcame him as San pushed in and pulled back.

 

“Keep going, keep going,” Wooyoung encouraged San. He felt how he was stretching open and if he kept at it he would finally relax under his touch. He was still clenching around him, both from nerves and excitement, but the new angle was helping. Then San went to massage below his balls with his thumb and that helped Wooyoung immensely to finally relax. “Fuck, San, keep doing that, ah-” San went to move to sit closer to his body and he felt how he was rubbing his clothed erections against the back of his thigh.   

 

San removed his fingers from his ass and Wooyoung leaned back feeling empty. “Wow,” San said. He felt San’s tongue down his ass again and his eyes rolled back in his head. He reach with his hand down to his cock and started stroking it. Wooyoung perched himself up on his hands in surprise. “Ah – San – Slow down,” Wooyoung managed to say.

 

He circled his thumb over his head. “Can I insert another finger?” He asked. “Yes, yes please do,” Wooyoung responded quickly. San pushed in two fingers quite roughly and then fingered him open a bit more before he pushed in three fingers. “Fuck – me – That feels good-” Wooyoung fell down forward again pushing his arms under him.

 

San kept fingering him for some time, adding lube so he could push his fingers in deeper. It took Wooyoung by surprise when he pushed in the fourth finger and he felt how opened up he was as his muscles started relaxing more instead of clenching around San’s fingers. San kept stroking him lazily and he was so rock hard he knew he was going to come soon just from how San was fingering him so good.

 

“Insert the butt plug I can’t hold on for much longer,” Wooyoung said unevenly. With his fingers still inside of him, San looked around to find the butt plug. When he found it he slowly pulled his fingers back so he could open the package. He pulled out the butt plug and Wooyoung saw from the corner of his eye that he took it in his mouth to make it slick with his saliva. Then he grabbed the bottle of lube to make it even more slick.

 

“Ready?” San asked and Wooyoung nodded. San pushed the plug inside of him and he clenched around the cold object. As he pushed it further he felt how full he became. “Is it in?” Wooyoung said with a high pitched voice. “Yes, you’re clenching around it,” San laughed.

 

Slowly but surely, Wooyoung went to sit upright on his knees. He was out of breath and sweaty. When he looked at San he saw the burning desire in his eyes. His mouth was slick with saliva. “Why are you still dressed?” He felt the butt plug pushing inside his hole.

 

“I don’t know,” San said and he reached over to rub Wooyoung’s thigh. “Why don’t you help me undress?”

 

Wooyoung scooted forward, grabbing the hem of the purple sweatshirt that had ‘Booze’ written on it in big bold letters. He pulled it up and San raised his arms so he could pull it over his head. Wooyoung had seen San’s body before, when they showered in the army, or when they went to get changed in to working clothes. But watching him up close like this without having to avert his eyes was something new. His hands went to find his waist and travelled over his chest. San smiled and he went to squeeze his forearms.

 

“I see you have been working out again. You’re rock hard.”

 

“That’s not the only thing that’s hard.”

 

“About that,” Wooyoung’s hands travelled to his waistband. “I know you’re not wearing anything underneath that, you naughty boy.” San grinned. “Saves us some time getting it off.”

 

Wooyoung went to yank on his waistband. “Sit up,” he said and San went to sit on his knees so he could pull his pants down till his knees. San went to stroke Wooyoung’s hair and he looked at him again with his eyes half closed.

 

“You’re bigger than I remembered.”

 

“Good.”

 

Wooyoung took his cock in his hand and without warning he took it in his mouth. San breathed in and grasped a bunch of his hair. His tongue circled round his cock and as his thighs spread out he sank deeper on the butt plug. He realized that soon this cock was going to pound inside of him and the thought made him take San deeper in his mouth, choking on his head as it touched the back of his mouth. Saliva began to pool around his mouth and it spilled over. He looked up at San and San was moaning with his mouth wide open and his brow furrowed. He felt how his thigh was shaking as he tried to stay upright.

 

“Promise to fuck me hard and not finish quick?” Wooyoung pulled his cock out and slobbered all over himself.

 

San grabbed a lock of hair at the base of his neck and pulled his head back. “Promise. But I’ll have to take you now.”

 

Wooyoung leaned back, feeling the butt plug pushing inside him even more and he moaned. “Get rid of that pants,” Wooyoung told San. San stood up from the bed and finally kicked the sweatpants away, which left him fully naked. He scanned the bed to find the condoms and when he found them he ripped open the package, finding a single condom which he opened with his mouth. He took his time to roll down the condom over his swollen cock. He went to sit back on the bed and Wooyoung went to lean forward to meet his chest.

 

“Let me… Guide you in,” Wooyoung said, caressing his neck, and San looked up at him with a stunned look full of anticipation. “Just, sit back,” Wooyoung said and he moved forward to wrap his arms round his neck. San leaned back and placed his hands behind him to steady himself. Wooyoung went to straddle him and their cocks rubbed together as he sat down on him. Wooyoung pushed himself up a bit, using San to steady him and San quickly wrapped an arm around his back. Wooyoung brought a hand behind his back and he went to find the butt plug that was still pushed deeply inside of him. Slowly, he removed the butt plug and he felt the biggest part stretching the entrance of his hole as he pulled it out. When it left him, he felt empty and quickly moved forward to find San’s cock underneath him.

 

“Take your time,” San said, his voice shaky. He pulled him closer to him, his fingers digging into his back. San’s chest was rising and falling in an uneven pattern, he was panting in anticipation. They stared into each other’s eyes as Wooyoung went to place the tip of San’s cock at his entrance. Slowly, Wooyoung went to sit down on his cock. He closed his eyes as the head of his cock stretched him open. He bit down on his lip as he tried to relax his muscles and move down on San’s cock.

 

“Look at me, look at me,” San breathed. “I want to look into your eyes.” Wooyoung opened his eyes and met San’s piercing eyes. He went to move down to take more of his cock and the stretching was greater than the butt plug. Wooyoung’s jaw dropped open and he moaned without restraint. San pulled him closer and met his mouth.

 

“You’re inside of me,” San breathed into his mouth.

 

“I am – Ah!” Wooyoung weaved his hand through San’s hair, holding on for dear life as he felt fuller and stretched even more. They breathed together in a similar pattern and he could feel San’s heart beat through his chest.

 

Wooyoung relaxed his muscles and sat down on San, taking his full length. “Fuck!” San moved forward in response. He placed his other hand on his thigh and dug his nails in his thigh. “This feels so fucking good Wooyoung, fuck, you’re so tight!” San’s eyes became watery and their lips clashed together roughly as they both tried to steady themselves.

 

“You’re so big, San,” he kneaded his neck, trying to focus on the pleasure even though the stretch was slightly painful as well.

 

“Call me commander,” San breathed on his lips and he kneaded his butt cheek. Wooyoung was taken aback by San’s sudden suggestion. The heat of the moment made him not question San however.

 

“I feel so full – Commander,” Wooyoung hesitated before he said the word. But he saw the fire in San’s eyes that resulted from it.

 

“Can I move inside of you baby?” _He was calling him baby._ He felt the slightest nudge of San pressing his cock inside of him. Wooyoung was so overcome with pleasure he just nodded his head. San pulled him closer and slid out of him slightly before he moved up inside of him again.

 

“Aaaah!” Wooyoung exclaimed. If there were any boundaries, he had already crossed them. He was not able to stay quiet tonight. Holding onto San’s neck he looked into the man’s eyes that was penetrating him and he felt shivers over his entire body as he realized he finally had gotten what he wanted.

 

San slid out a bit more and then pushed inside again. He groaned and gritted his teeth, biting his lip. He picked a slow pace, but it was feverish, hungry for more. His hands were everywhere, grabbing his ass, scratching his back. He was waiting for Wooyoung to quicken the pace.

 

“Ah, you feel so good commander,” Wooyoung uttered, placing a hand on his shoulder as he went to move up and down, following San’s pattern but making it quicker. San’s eyes darted over his body and his right hand landed on his waist, guiding his movement. Wooyoung breathed hard, making little sounds every time he pushed inside of him.

 

“I can’t believe I’m fucking you. You’re perfect, you feel so good inside,” San looked down. “I want to see how I move inside of you,” he embraced Wooyoung and he slowly placed him on his back. San leaned back and grabbed the back of his thighs, pushing them back so Wooyoung’s entrance opened up even more.

 

Wooyoung searched beside him to find the bottle of lube. “Use some more lube and take me harder,” he said as he handed the bottle over to San. San pulled out slowly and Wooyoung felt a weird feeling in his gut. San squirted some lube on his hole and on his hand which he then stroked his cock with.

 

“Are you sure I can fuck you hard?” San trailed his hand over his chest where the wound was. It was sensitive, but the adrenaline in his body numbed most of the pain.  

 

“Yes, just do it,” Wooyoung said. San pushed his thighs back to expose his entrance. Wooyoung covered his eyes, preparing for what was to come. When San slid inside of him again, it took his breathe away. He really was big and the stretch was huge.  

 

San moved inside of him at a steady pace and it was amazing how it made him feel. He made little mewing sounds, every time he pounded inside of him.

 

“Look at me baby,” San pulled his hand from his face. San’s hair was covering his eyes. When he looked at him he moved forward to lean over him. He slid in and out further and Wooyoung could see how his cock disappeared inside of him. He felt dizzy and his eyes rolled back in his head. San pushed his hands down on the back of his knees, angling his butt higher. San pushed himself up and pounded into him harder.

 

“Ah – Fuck San!”

 

“Commander, baby,” San said smothered. His cock left him quicker and pushed inside him harder and harder. He saw stars in front of his eyes as the pain and pleasure became violent. He searched frantically for San’s forearms to hold onto them.

 

“You take my cock so well baby, I’m so impressed,” San said out of breath.

 

“I don’t want your cock – ah – to ever – ah – leave my asshole – ah!” Wooyoung made continuous moaning sounds, whining like a little bitch. San was fucking him so good, he was dizzy from pleasure and wanted it to go on forever. But San suddenly slowed down.

 

“No, commander, please keep going,” Wooyoung begged.

 

“I want to take you from behind, turn over,” San slid out his cock and Wooyoung became nauseous from the sudden empty feeling. His legs shook when San released his grip on them. He felt weak and he wanted to turn over, he just didn’t have the energy for it.

 

“I can’t support myself, I have no energy,” Wooyoung said in a sad tone. San leaned over him and gave him a kiss. “Don’t worry, just lie down on your stomach,” San said as he helped him to turn over. Wooyoung shook as San pushed his legs apart.

 

“Are you okay?” San asked as he leaned over him. “Yes, yes, I’m just overwhelmed with pleasure,” he uttered. “Good,” San said as he pushed his cheeks open and pushed the tip of his cock inside. Wooyoung groaned in response. San pushed inside and he lowered himself on top of Wooyoung’s body. Having the full weight of San press onto him made him feel vulnerable and trapped in a submissive position. But it felt good, he wanted to be taken care of by San.  

 

“Would you believe me if I said I have wanted this since the first time I laid eyes on you?” San moved inside of him slowly and Wooyoung bit down on his nails trying to bear the stretch.

 

“The first time I saw you in the army, I don’t know what overcame me, fuck,” he moved to push himself up using Wooyoung’s back. Placing his hand on the small of his back he continued the slow pace.

 

“I could only think of what you looked like naked, what your face looked like if you would take my cock inside of you.”

 

He felt how San grabbed the bottle of lube and squirted some more lube on his cock and his stretched hole. He moved inside him at a quicker and smoother pace. There was almost no friction as there was enough lubrication. “When I jerked myself off in the shower that night, I was imagining fucking you.”

 

San grabbed his hips and slammed his cock inside of him and Wooyoung screamed in response. He had created the perfect angle to hit his prostate. “I never thought I would actually someday be fucking you-” he pounded into him at an ungodly speed and he managed to hit his prostate every time.

 

“San-ssi, I can’t take it much longer – ah!” Wooyoung grasped behind him trying to find San’s hand. Instead San leaned forward to slide his arms under his chest and he pulled him up. Wooyoung leaned back against San’s chest, panting uncontrollably.

 

“Move for me,” San whispered down his ear. He wrapped his arm around his neck, so as to steady him. His other hand went to grab his cock. Surprised by the touch, Wooyoung moved in his hand. San was deep inside of him again and as he moved up and down and leaned just a bit forward he found his G spot again. The sensation of San rubbing his thumb over the head of his cock, and the unsteady moving of San’s cock inside of him made him move in an uneven, shaky pattern.

 

“Ah- fuck! Wooyoung you’re beautiful when you’re shaking like that,” San breathed down his ear. San went to stroke his cock at a faster pace and Wooyoung lost all control over his body. His thighs started shaking uncontrollably and it was only a matter over time before he would come.

 

“I’m gonna come if you shake like that baby,” San said with a faltering voice.

 

“I – I’m almost there commander,” Wooyoung leaned his head back over San’s shoulder.

 

“Alright, alright, go ahead baby,” San nibbled on his earlobe. “Come for me baby.”

 

He stroked Wooyoung at a quicker pace and started pounding into him. He pulled him closer to him and bounced on his cock messily. San was so deep inside of him that the constant pounding was making him feel sore down there. He was trembling so excessively, he needed his release now. As San bit down into his neck he came all over himself.

 

“Yes, baby, come for me,” San’s voice was hitched. He went to lean forward again pushing Wooyoung down again and went to pound inside of him hard. Wooyoung’s thighs were trembling aggressively each time San slapped against his ass.

 

“Fuck-” San came inside of him and he felt the liquid move inside of him. San’s hips moved a few more times against him and he could only feel how his legs were shaking feverishly. “Ride it out, baby,” Wooyoung felt how San was still inside of him. His body kept moving, even though Wooyoung had no control over it.

 

Slowly, San pulled out of him and the empty feeling was overwhelming. He heard San take of the condom and tie it. He felt how San went to lie beside him. He placed his head beside his. San pushed a lock of hair out of his face and went to stroke his cheek. He looked at him curiously. Wooyoung had lost all sense in his body.

 

“You have broken me.”

 

 

 


	5. GSR: Gun Shot Residue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I have been sick so it took me a while to write this chapter. I want to have another chapter up by the end of the week to make up for it!  
> This chapter contains some fluff- as far as police fluff goes. 
> 
> By the way, I have made a twitter account for this fic and Ateez fandom in general. If you want to have updates on my writing process, you can find tweets about my progress over there. It might also be a possibility to connect with you guys.  
> My twitteraccount: incarnato_
> 
> Thank you so much for the support!

 He felt how San was stroking his arm in a comforting way. It was nice and made him feel safe. But it couldn’t protect him from the strange dream he was having, or from the fever that he got during the night.

 

There was no denying that the sex had taken a toll on his body. He felt an ache in his chest which San had draped his arm around during the night. His legs felt soar, as if he’d been running a marathon the day before. He had a pounding headache that just seemed to becoming worse and more dizzying as the fever took over.

 

Despite all this, San was holding him close to his body. Wooyoung’s back was pressed against San’s chest and his constant breathing made him feel peaceful despite the pain. Sometimes San would whisper in his ear, whisper his name or tell him how beautiful he was. It was soothing and made him sleepy. At some point he couldn’t make out what he said anymore, as he had drifted into a feverish dream that was playing tricks on San’s voice.

 

In his dream the man he shot lay behind him and was whispering in his ear. He was trying to tell him something, but all he could hear were gurgling and choking sounds. Wooyoung tried his hardest to discern any words, but the harder he tried the more distressed he felt. Then all of a sudden he could hear the man say his name. He turned around in his sleep to look at him, but his face was in the shadows. However, he could see his mouth moving and as it moved he saw the blood dripping from his tongue.

 

 

 

 

“Wooyoung, wake up. You’re burning up,” San’s voice was coming from behind him. Wooyoung woke up with a jolt. Instantly he felt a cold shiver go down his spine and he was shaking tremendously.

 

“What time is it?” Wooyoung said with a groggy voice.

 

San turned him around, making him lie on his back and look up at him. He had tousled hair and his chest looked as amazing as he remembered it. “It’s past 5. Are you okay? You had a rough night,” San said and he traced his hand along Wooyoung’s chest. He felt how sweaty he was and how it made him feel cold. The touch of San’s hand on his wound made him cringe instantly.

 

“I don’t think you’re okay at all, I think you have been walking around with a broken rib,” San said amazed.

 

“Ribs heal on themselves,” Wooyoung managed to say.

 

“Unless you put strain on them,” San said and he buried his face in his hands. “I’ve done it again haven’t I?” He peeked through his hands and then went to weave his fingers through Wooyoung’s hair. “I should have never touched you in the first place.”

 

Wooyoung closed his eyes. He shouldn’t have. But he was glad that he did. “Last night was amazing, don’t say sorry for that.”

 

San smiled. “Oh I’m not sorry. Not sorry at all. Still, I shouldn’t have done that.”

 

Wooyoung cocked his head to the side. “Did you like it though?”

 

San burst out laughing. “Did I like it? You’re asking me if I liked it?” He brought his face closer to Wooyoung’s. “You felt so good inside… I get hard just thinking about it.”

 

Wooyoung peered down and San grinned and scurried closer to Wooyoung’s body. “Well, let’s wait a little before we do that again. This body needs to heal first before it can go for another run,” Wooyoung sighed. His body was literally screaming at him for the strain that he had put on it. If it wasn’t protesting so hard, he would totally be up for morning sex.

 

“How about you though? Did you enjoy it? Was I… Okay?” San looked at Wooyoung curiously.

 

Wooyoung swallowed. “It was… You were good. You were great,” Wooyoung felt his gut clench. He could remember the sensation of San inside of him and it made him feel warm inside.

 

“Did I hurt you though?” San asked uncertain.

 

Wooyoung averted his eyes. San had hurt him. But he was sure it hadn’t been intentional. He shouldn’t have had sex with him while he was still healing from his gun shot wound. He had been trying to ignore the obvious: that he had a broken rib or two and that he needed to be at home taking it easy so his body could heal. But that reality was just too much for him considering the progress he had made with San in the last few days. Everything that was on his mind was San and the pain he felt in his side was a secondary worry. However, the night he had spent with San had taken a toll on his body and his body was literally giving up on him.

 

“It’s my own fault, I should have taken better care of myself,” Wooyoung said in response to San’s question.

 

San sighed. “No… No it’s my fault. I knew you were pretending to be alright.” San lay his head on the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. “I took you up on your offer, despite better judgment. I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes.

 

Wooyoung raised his hand to trace his finger over San’s lips and then over his jaw. “I don’t regret anything,” he said, trying to make San feel less bad.

 

“You’re so hot,” San said and he turned to face him again. He raised his hand to place a hand on Wooyoung’s forehead. A worried look spread over San’s face. “You have a fever. You know what, I’m going to fill the tub with water and then we’ll have a bath together. I need to go the station soon anyway.” He moved to get out of the bed. Wooyoung noticed he was still naked. “I really hope you will go to the hospital regardless. I don’t want you to take any risks.” He stood up and Wooyoung could look at San’s fully naked body. I own that man, he thought to himself. I can do anything with that body. He grinned.

 

“I don’t think I can go against my boss his orders,” San turned around to look at Wooyoung. Wooyoung couldn’t help but to look down at his crotch. “Come here and give me a kiss,” Wooyoung said and a grin appeared on San’s face. He went down to crawl over the bed to Wooyoung and he leaned over him. He went in to kiss him deeply. “It’d be wise to follow my orders,” San’s voice was deep and he had a brooding look. Wooyoung felt like he had dipped into one of San’s character traits that he hadn’t encountered before. The dominant energy was gone before he knew it and San crawled over him to walk to bathroom.

 

 

 

Somehow he had fallen asleep while San had prepared the bath. When San came to tell him the bath was ready he woke with a start.

 

“Hey, it’s just me, I haven’t left yet,” San smiled. He went to pull back the blankets to help Wooyoung out of bed. The cold wind that went over him made him shiver in response.

 

“Wow, are you okay?” San went to grab his forearms to pull him up. Wooyoung let San help as he swung his legs over the bed and he stood up. He had to pause for a second and lean his head onto San’s shoulder as he became dizzy from the action.

 

“Hey…” San went to stroke his hair and slid an arm behind his back so as to steady him. The gesture was very sweet and Wooyoung leaned into San’s body, enjoying how he was holding him.

 

“You’re shivering, let’s get you to the bathroom so you can get warm,” San went to support his body by wrapping his arm around his waist. Wooyoung felt pathetic. He was so feverish that standing on his own two feet was already a difficult task.

 

They walked into the bathroom and the steam from the hot water welcomed them. It was a nice feeling, but made Wooyoung shiver nonetheless.

 

“Let me help you get in first,” San said as he went to hold Wooyoung’s hand to support him. Wooyoung looked at how San was looking at him, how he was observing his every being. Had he been feeling somewhat better, he might have felt ashamed by the nakedness of his body. All he cared for now was getting himself in that tub, without injuring himself further. Wooyoung clenched San’s hand so as to steady himself before setting his right foot in the tub. The movement made his side ache, but he tried to ignore it. He wanted this to be over as quick as possible so he stepped in the tub with his other foot. Slowly he went to sit down.

 

“Hold me under my arms,” Wooyoung said as he noticed that his legs began to shake and he was afraid he might slip and fall. The pain in his side was intensifying and he just didn’t have control over his body anymore. San went to change position quickly and slid his hands under his armpits so as to support his weight. Wooyoung dipped his bottom in the water and slowly with the help of San let his torso slide in the water. When it finally touched his wound, he cringed at the pain.

 

“Do you want to get out?” San asked in a panic.

 

Wooyoung gritted his teeth. “No. No, I can take it,” he said and he gestured for San to let him go so he could slide into the bathtub and cover his body with the hot water. The feeling was intense and it was scorching hot for a while. Eventually the hot water had a numbing effect.

 

San looked at him with concern in his eyes. Wooyoung didn’t like it, because he didn’t want him to feel sorry for him or think that he did something wrong. Being seen as something small, or something that needed to be taken care of was the last thing he wanted. “Come on, get in, I’m okay.”

 

San went to remove the robe he was wearing and gestured for Wooyoung to move a bit forward so he could sit behind him. He slid behind him quite easily and the water splashed a little over the side. San moved to stretched his legs alongside Wooyoung’s body and then he pulled Wooyoung into him, making him lie against his chest. “Relax, I’ll hold you,” he said.

 

Somehow Wooyoung was still a bit shaky and he felt how his forehead became sweaty and his cheeks turned rosy. He hated being sick, but this time he really had to submit to it.

 

“I never thought it took a broken rib for you to finally notice me,” Wooyoung said, balancing his head on San’s shoulder. San’s chest went up and down as he inhaled deeply.

 

“Frankly, I’m not sure why it took me so long either. Maybe it was just a wakeup call. I thought I had lost you for a second,” San breathed down his neck and Wooyoung shivered from the sensation.

 

Lost him? But the gunshot had only bruised him… “Why did you think you lost me?”

 

San breathed in. “When you walked up to me that day… I didn’t know whether to scream or to cry. You were covered in blood. I feared for the worst.”

 

Wooyoung swallowed. “The worst?”

 

“That it would be the end of your career.”

 

Wooyoung dug his nails into San’s thighs and he flinched. “You think my career is more important than my life!?”

 

San laughed and he pulled Wooyoung into him. “No, but you do.”

 

He wanted to argue, but it was pointless. San was right. His career meant everything to him and the thrill of going onto missions was what he woke up for every day.

 

“I know you would never forgive me. After all, I had constructed the whole mission, I shouldn’t have put you in that situation…” San said. He paused for a second and then he continued. “Still, I’m glad I did anyway. No one could have pulled it off like you did. You go in for the kill. That’s what I admire about you the most.”

 

“That’s a dangerous thing to say, assuming a policeman is out to kill.”

 

“Don’t pretend that that isn’t exactly what the special units are looking for.”

 

“And is it what you are looking for…?” Wooyoung knew that the army and the police hired people to take out dangerous criminals. But that was not how the Special Operations Unit worked. They were not taught to kill. Did San think differently of this?

 

“I’m looking for people who can do the job, who are loyal to the cause. You are so much more than that. You have a sense of justice that is different from lawyers. You are just to the core.”

 

Wooyoung didn’t understand why San viewed him like that. He didn’t think about being just or acting morally correct. He was focused on the job at hand and he acted in a way he was taught to act. Why did San think so different about that?

 

“You are the person I aspire to be, but can never be,” San suddenly said.

 

Wooyoung tried to turn his head and look at San. “Why are you saying that? Why do you think I’m better than you?”

 

“It’s simple Wooyoung. I use my authority to put the people who put their trust in me in danger. I’m holding a man in my arms that I put willingly in the firing line.”

 

“But that’s your job.”

 

“As well as it is your job to listen to me. I know it can all be explained within the law system, but I’m not so certain that it can be justified. I hold the power to destroy everything, that alone makes me a lesser person than you.”

 

Wooyoung was not sure why San was saying this. It seemed like he was trying to tell him something, something that had to do with him, but he couldn’t figure out what he meant. It was clear that they were both invested in their job, but what did that have to do with their relationship? Wooyoung would never ask San to choose between him and the job, neither did he wish that San would ever ask him that. To him it was clear that they would both wish to continue their police career and that they would figure out a way around that to have a relationship together.

 

“Listen, San. I know that this is not the ideal situation, that your position as commander and my position as officer can create some difficulties. Breaking my rib is one of them. But isn’t it great that we at least can talk about our job and relate to each other’s issues?” Wooyoung stroked his arm, trying to reassure him.

 

San played with the water. “Yeah, you’re right.” He moved to brush his fingers through Wooyoung’s hair. “Just know that I’m trying to be a better person. I am working on it.”

 

Wooyoung didn’t need convincing. He knew San was a good person. But this conversation was worrying him nonetheless.

 

 

 

 

San had gone to work. It was obvious that Wooyoung was in no state to be present at the job. Even if he had forced himself to get dressed, San wouldn’t have allowed him to get out the door.

 

San had helped him get out of the water and get dressed in some pyjamas. They ate some breakfast together before San went out the door and Wooyoung had went back to bed.

 

“Can I check on you tonight?” San had asked. The request gave Wooyoung butterflies. He gave him the number of the keypad of the building and his front door so he could let himself in. He had kissed him goodbye.

 

The smell of the sheets wasn’t particularly nice, but considering that it smelled like San and reminded him of the night before, he wasn’t complaining. Before falling asleep he had taken some more painkillers and realized he was almost out of pills. He dreaded going to the hospital, but then it dawned on him that Yunho had given him another prescription. Maybe he could ask Yeosang to get it for him, since he had been really helpful the other day as well.

 

He had a rough sleep, waking constantly from being overheated or shivering from the cold. What had he done to himself? He never imagined a broken rib could cause so much discomfort and pain. Luckily, after a while the painkillers kicked in and he fell fast asleep.

 

He woke up from the front door that fell shut. San appeared in his bedroom shortly after. He seemed out of breath.

 

“How are you?” He asked and he went to sit on the side of his bed.

 

“I’m alright,” Wooyoung said, he had stopped shivering and even though he still didn’t feel great he felt like the fever had past its peak.

 

San leaned forward and put his hand on his forehead. “You’re still warm.” He leaned back. “Let’s get you out of bed and to the hospital.”

 

Wooyoung’s heart stopped. The hospital? He thought he was sure that they were just goofing around when San had said he should go to the hospital. He didn’t actually want to follow up those orders.  

 

“No,” he started. San looked at him with a furrowed brow. “If I have a broken rib it will heal just as quick if they are just bruised.”

 

“But what if your organs are injured? I cannot take that risk Wooyoung,” San said sternly.

 

“I am taking the risk. I feel fine San, I just need to slow down for a week, I promise I will do that!” He tried to sound as convincing as possible. If he went to the hospital and got X-rays, the police were going to see them and they would put him off duty for 6 weeks. He did not even want to imagine that.

 

San sighed. “I don’t want to see you at the job. Unless it is for official business.” He wagged his finger at him, acting strict in a joking manner. “I received word from the department, they are seeing you tomorrow. I can postpone the meeting if you want to?”

 

“No. I want to get it over with.”

 

San lowered his head and sighed again. Then he looked up to Wooyoung. “I can let you go to a private clinic, make sure the police don’t see the report. I want to make sure nothing is wrong.”

 

Wooyoung wanted to explain to San that he hated hospitals. That the thought of being seriously injured scared him to death, just because it could mean the end of his career. He wanted to ignore that possibility at all costs. Going to the hospital could inform him about fatal injuries which would mean he had to face his fear of losing his job. However, Wooyoung would rather walk around with a fatal injury without knowing it than coming to terms with being declared unfit.

 

“If I still feel bad at the end of the week I will go to that private clinic,” Wooyoung said, trying to assure San.

 

San nodded his head, thinking it was a fair agreement. “Do you feel hungry? Shall I order some food?”

 

“Yeah I am definitely hungry. I can order pizza,” Wooyoung said, as he made an effort to get out of bed. San moved forward to help him. Holding onto San, he managed to get out of bed and stand straight.

 

“I’ll order it,” San said. He held onto Wooyoung’s hand a little longer than normal. “Can I… Can I hug you?” He asked.

 

Wooyoung smiled. “Yes, but be careful.”

 

San went in to wrap his arms around his shoulders and pull him closer. Wooyoung put his hands on San’s waist and smelled in the sweat from San’s work shirt. He smelled so nice that Wooyoung took in a deep breath and nestled his head in the crook of San’s neck.

 

“I thought about you all day. I waited to do this all day,” San whispered in his ear.

 

“Me too,” Wooyoung said.

 

“I was afraid they could read my face. Because my face was literally screaming: I fucked the most beautiful man in the world,” San said proudly. They both laughed. Wooyoung kissed San in his neck.

 

“I have to be honest, I had to go to the bathroom twice to get rid of a boner. Just thinking about last night gets me hard,” San grinded up against Wooyoung’s body as Wooyoung nipped at his neck. It was really this easy to get him going huh, Wooyoung thought.

 

“We can do it again tonight, if you want to. No need to jack off,” Wooyoung whispered in San’s ear. 

 

San stepped back immediately. “Don’t tempt me Wooyoung. I already wrecked you last night and look what happened.”

 

“You think much of yourself, thinking you wrecked me,” Wooyoung raised his eyebrows at San.

 

San moved closer and slid a hand behind his neck. He rubbed his neck and then grabbed his chin to make him look up at him. “I remember your legs shaking as I slammed my cock inside of you.”

 

Wooyoung became shy and averted his eyes. He had no clue he was so weak under San’s touch, but somehow he was glad he was fulfilling San’s fantasy. Even if that meant he had put himself in the most vulnerable position.

 

“I’m all yours,” Wooyoung said meeting San’s eyes, feeling himself becoming horny.

 

San kissed him softly and then let go off him again. “No. We’re not doing it. Off duty for a week, like you promised!”

 

 

 

 

He had asked him to stay over, but San said that he wouldn’t be able to contain himself if he did. Frankly, neither would Wooyoung. But they did spend some time watching the tv series they had started the day before and they cuddled up on the couch. San almost fell asleep against his shoulder and Wooyoung tried not to wake him up. After a small movement, he did wake up however and he decided it was time he went home.

 

When Wooyoung woke up the next morning, he was glad he could go to the job, even if he still wasn’t feeling great. The reason for going to the job wasn’t great either, but going from the response of his colleagues and San, he didn’t need to worry about anything. It was clear he had acted out of self-defence and that the suspect had been a danger to him and his team.

 

He didn’t expect the investigation team to consist of four people however. Neither did he expect them to be from a different district. When he walked into the room that was reserved for their conversation, the four men were sitting behind a table in a row. He knew two of them, but the other two he hadn’t seen before. He walked up to them and went to shake their hands. He cringed slightly at the movement, as he had to lean over the table, which hurt his side.

 

“Sit down, Officer Jung. I see that you are still injured from the incident?” Kim Minseok, the head of the investigation team of internal affairs addressed him with a concerned look. He saw how inspector Jeon Jaehyun pressed some buttons on his mobile phone and then put it down on the table near Wooyoung. Of course, they were recording him. This was all going into his file as evidence that he acted out of self-defence after shooting and killing a suspect.

 

Wooyoung sat down in the chair. “I have bruised ribs, but I am slowly recovering. Thank you for your concern Inspector Kim,” Wooyoung answered politely.

 

Kim Minseok rustled the papers, looking for a specific page. His eyes scanned the page and then he looked up at Wooyoung. “We haven’t received a report from the hospital yet. Have you had an X-ray of your ribcage?”

 

Wooyoung dreaded this question. He could not lie to his officials. “I haven’t had an X-ray yet. Our medic has checked me and given me painkillers, he checked my pain levels and did not worry about a broken rib. If I still had pain after a week I had to check back in with him again.”

 

“Then I advise you to go to him again and ask him to get you an X-ray at the hospital. We want to see the results regardless if your ribs are bruised or if they are broken,” inspector Kim said and he went to rustle through the papers again.

 

Wooyoung was taken aback by his comment. He wasn’t aware going to the hospital for an X-ray was part of the procedure, but then again it wasn’t surprising. He was annoyed that he had to go to the hospital now anyway, but he didn’t let the men in front of him notice.

 

“Alright?” Inspector Kim looked up at him, waiting for an answer.

 

“Yes, inspector Kim, I will meet with medic Jung tomorrow,” Wooyoung answered, dreading the meeting already.  

 

“Good. Then we would like you to give us an account of the events on February the 12th,” inspector Jeon Jaehyun addressed him this time.

 

Wooyoung cleared his throat before he told the police his account of the day of the incident. He tried to recall as many things as he could, but when he came to the part where he shot the suspect he couldn’t recall every detail.

 

“Did you shoot the suspect before or after the suspect shot you?” inspector Jeon informed.

 

Wooyoung thought long and hard. “I’m not sure if he had already hit me when I shot him. But he had fired a shot when I shot him. I am just not certain he had hit me with his first shot. I was full of adrenalin, I couldn’t feel the pain until I was in the parking lot and commander Choi found the bullet in my vest.”

 

“Did you aim at a specific body part of the suspect?” inspector Kim Youngmin spoke up from the left end of the table.

 

“I… I shot blindly. We were so close to each other, I acted out of self-defence and fired at the suspect in general, without aiming at a specific body part.”

 

“Do you remember where you shot the man?” inspector Kim Youngmin asked.

 

Wooyoung moved his hand over his chest. “In the chest,” he moved his hand over his neck, “and in his neck.”

 

“Why did you shoot the man?” inspector Kim Minseok spoke up.

 

Was it a trick question? “The suspect was carrying a Smith and Wesson semi-auto pistol, which I saw before I saw the suspect. The suspect was aiming his gun at me when I approached him and considering the information we had gotten on the suspect prior to embarking on the mission, I knew that this man was aware how to use firearms and that he was probably carrying multiple firearms at that moment. There was no time for me to think or to adjust my aim. I shot at the suspect out of self-defence and out of consideration and the safety of my colleagues. There was no other way for me to handle the situation.”

 

“That answers my next question, whether you saw any possibility of not firing your gun,” inspector Kim Minseok said.

 

“We had been given permission to shoot, which was understandable considering the threat the suspect posed. In the circumstances that I found myself in, in relation to the suspect, there was no possibility for me to refrain from opening fire or to aim at the legs.”

 

The men went on to ask him multiple questions about the act of opening fire. It felt like they were repeating themselves, but Wooyoung noticed that this was their technique to make sure his story was consistent. They asked him about other details concerning the incident, what the suspect looked like, whether he had given him first aid and how his colleagues had responded. After a while inspector Kim Minseok went to wrap up the interview, and Wooyoung was glad. The interview had already taken them about an hour.

 

“After this conversation, me, inspector Kim Minseok, and my colleagues inspector Kim Youngmin, Jeon Jaehyun and Choi Yeoncheol are convinced that officer Jung Wooyoung has acted out of self-defence. We deem his answers sincere and considering the accounts of his colleagues believe that officer Jung has answered in truth to our questions,” inspector Kim Minseok spoke towards the phone that was recording the conversation.

 

“We offer officer Jung support by giving him access to the police psychologist, to make sure he does not suffer from lasting trauma due to the incident. Furthermore, officer Jung has been put off duty for the rest of the month. Once the results of his X-rays are in and the severity of the injury is determined we will define his time off duty for the following month. After that we will plan the period of reintegration into the job. Do you have any questions for us officer Jung?”

 

Wooyoung couldn’t believe what he was hearing. The whole month off duty!?

 

“Uh- No, inspector Kim Minseok,” Wooyoung stumbled over his words. He wanted to tell them that he could work, that he would be fine within a week. But he knew that the X-rays were going to tell him that he had a broken rib and that would set him back even more than he had expected.

 

Inspector Kim nodded to inspector Jeon, who turned off the phone recorder. The men went to stand up and Wooyoung followed their example. Without having time to think over the verdict, he shook the hands of the men and was told he could leave the room. When he closed the door behind him, he realized the extent of their decision.

 

He buried his face in his hands and grabbed at his hair. Was this really happening to him? Was he going to be off duty, because of some stupid gunshot wound? He remembered the conversation he had had with San the day before and immediately he turned around to walk to their joint office. He needed to see San right now.

 

When he entered the room there weren’t many people in the office. He searched the room for San’s desk and then realized he wasn’t there. There was just one familiar face who looked up at him in shock.

 

“What is wrong Wooyoung?” Seonghwa stood up and walked towards him.

 

“Where is San? Have you seen San?” Wooyoung said in a panic in a high pitched voice.

 

“He is out with the team. I’m just at the station doing paperwork for today. What happened to you?”

 

“They told me I could be out of the job for two months. This can’t be happening to me, Seonghwa. This is my life, goddammit!” He was speaking louder and faster than he intended to, but he was stressed and didn’t know how he had to deal with this news.

 

Seonghwa gestured for Wooyoung to sit down and he went to sit across from him. “Wooyoung, slow down. What did they say exactly? And don’t exaggerate.”

 

“They told me I’ll be off duty for the rest of the month. After that it will depend on my X-ray results, whether I have broken ribs and what the healing time for them is. But I know I have broken ribs. I know I will be out of the job for more than a month!”

 

“You don’t know that yet Wooyoung! Look at you, you’re sitting here, people with broken ribs aren’t supposed to be able to drive and move around like you do.”

 

Wooyoung went to pull up his shirt and he showed Seonghwa the horrendous wound that was on his chest. Seonghwa raised his brows when he saw the wound. “I’ve been walking around with this, Seonghwa. I’m a good pretender, but I already knew that I had broken ribs.”

 

Seonghwa shook his head in disbelief. Wooyoung wondered if it was abnormal that he pushed through his pain like this. “Wooyoung, listen, your health is more important than your career,” Seonghwa said.

 

“Is it?” Wooyoung asked, kind of asking the question more to himself than to Seonghwa.

 

“What is up with you Wooyoung? I know you are passionate about this job, but there is something else going on here,” Seonghwa started and he looked Wooyoung up and down.

 

Wooyoung lowered his shirt and looked at Seonghwa questioningly. “What do you mean?”

 

Seonghwa sighed. “What happened between you and San? San has been acting weird ever since the incident. I know it has something to do with you.”

 

“I don’t know what you are referring to,” he wasn’t going to tell Seonghwa he was seeing San. There was no point in telling him, knowing that it was strictly against the rules to date people of higher ranks.

 

Seonghwa raised his arms. “Well I don’t know what he is doing to you, but I know that he is pushing you to your limit, whether you realize that or not.”

 

Wooyoung went still. Seonghwa had pointed to a flaw in his and San’s relationship that he hadn’t realized up until now. As it dawned on him, he felt a strange calm come over him.

 

“It is okay to lie low for a few weeks. This business will still keep going, even without your help. Then again, I don’t think that that is what you are afraid of.”

 

Seonghwa was correct that he was afraid, but his fear had been well defined up until now. What was he afraid of exactly? The fact that Seonghwa noticed something was up with both him and San made him wonder if some of that fear was rooted in their relationship. Was he afraid to let San down? Or was he afraid that San thought he wasn’t fit for the job?

 

Wooyoung’s mind was spinning and he tried to make sense of his thoughts. Seonghwa was making him nervous, but at the same time he realized that he had touched upon one of his insecurities. Seonghwa was more aware of his personal struggles than he had realized. He might as well ask Seonghwa for his advice. “What do you think I should do?”

 

“Talk with San. Let him know what you are afraid of and ask him how he can help you out. Maybe it will be less worse than you think. Communication is key in this case,” Seonghwa looked at him with a knowing look and Wooyoung considered the possibility that Seonghwa was fully aware of their intimate relationship. Either way, his advice was helpful. He and San had talked, but there had already been miscommunications between the two of them. It had resulted in physical pain in Wooyoung’s case, but he knew that had never been intentional. They had to talk for real this time, instead of brushing over their problems at work like they were nothing. Wooyoung shook his head. In the end, who were they trying to impress beside themselves?

 

“And if he doesn’t want to talk, I’m here for you,” Seonghwa said, putting a hand on his shoulder. Wooyoung looked at it curiously and then he met Seonghwa’s smile.

 

“I’m sorry for being so dramatic. Thank you, Seonghwa.” Seonghwa had always been the closest thing he got to a friend.

 

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll visit you more often with beer and pizza, the month will be over before you know it,” Seonghwa laughed, trying to cheer Wooyoung up. “Go get us a coffee, I’m sure San will be here in a minute.”

 

 

 

 

When San finally arrived back at the station, Wooyoung had managed to calm down a bit, even though the thought of him being off duty for an extended period of time was nagging at the back of his mind. However when he saw San, the severity of the situation dawned on him again. When San saw Wooyoung talking with Seonghwa, he exchanged some looks with Seonghwa before looking at him.

 

“What’s wrong?” San asked as he removed his jacket.

 

Wooyoung stood up and walked towards San. “Can we talk?”

 

Wooyoung saw panic in San’s eyes. “Can we just go somewhere and talk?” Wooyoung prompted.

 

San exchanged looks between him and Seonghwa. Then he nodded his head and asked him to follow him. They went down the corridor to San’s private office. When they entered the room and San closed the door, Wooyoung began to talk rapidly.

 

“They told me I’m off duty for the rest of the month. They want X-rays of my ribs, which means they will see that I have broken ribs. I’ll be out of the job for two months!”

 

San leaned against his desk. “You spoke with the inspectors of internal affairs?”

 

“There was no discussion concerning my time off. They told me I’m out of the job for the rest of the month right of the bat. And then they wondered why I hadn’t gotten an X-ray yet. They ordered me to get one right away,” Wooyoung said. He threw up his hands and then buried his face in his hands. “I’m fine, goddammit! I don’t need to be out of the job for another week.”

 

He heard San approaching him and he went to pull his hands away from his face. “I’m sorry, Wooyoung. I cannot really go against orders from higher up. If they told you to be off duty for the rest of month, then I need to respect that.”

 

Wooyoung looked up at San’s face. He noticed there were dark circles under his eyes and he wondered whether he had been working overtime. “But what about the X-rays? If I submit those I’ll have to stay at home even longer… San I can’t do that. I’ll go mad!”

 

San stepped away from Wooyoung and rubbed his face. Then he turned around and faced Wooyoung again. “You can come to the station now and then, do some miscellaneous jobs.”

 

Wooyoung shook his head. “I can do that for a while but… I need to be doing something productive. I want to be part of the team.” San looked at him in despair. “Can’t you get me to that private clinic to get me X-rays first? Then I can at least see the damage first before the police department does,” Wooyoung tried to sound hopeful.

 

San’s appearance changed and a soft smile appeared. “Yes, of course Wooyoung. I will help you get X-rays at the private clinic.”

 

“Thank you, San,” it was a mere palliative, but Wooyoung would take anything.  

 

“I wish it could be different Wooyoung, I’m so sorry,” San said and he closed his eyes. He pinched his nose and breathed in loudly.

 

Wooyoung felt desperate and he knew that San was the only one who had the power to change something about this situation. He felt bold asking San the question, but he was at wit’s end. “Isn’t there anything that you can do San?”

 

San looked up at Wooyoung. There was a sadness in his eyes. “I will see what I can do Wooyoung.”

 

 

 

“So you are back. I have heard multiple stories going around about your injury,” Yunho gestured for Wooyoung to come into the first aid room.

 

“What have you heard?” Wooyoung asked curiously.

 

“That you have been walking around with a broken rib.”

 

“I am fine, Yunho. Besides didn’t you check me before?” Wooyoung countered.

 

Yunho shook his head. “I told you to get an X-ray and you refused to listen.”

 

Wooyoung gestured for Yunho to close the door as he went to sit on the bed that was in the middle of the room. “Listen, Yunho. I think that San has already told you that I want to get an X-ray done at a private clinic. I am just stopping by here at your office, because I was told to do so by the police department. I don’t want a receipt for the radiologist Seoul Eunpyeong hospital from you.”

 

“Sorry, I didn’t think you would get mad,” Yunho said with raised eyebrows and a soft smile on his face. He went to wash his hands at the little sink in the corner.

 

Wooyoung sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that Yunho. I just got to hear I will be out of the job for the entire month and an X-ray can extend that period to another month. I’m a little on edge, as you can tell.”

 

“I can tell,” Yunho approached him with a grin. “I know this sucks Wooyoung, trust me, I have had multiple police officers come to my office with the same concerns. Many of which I had to tell they had to slow down. In my experience, none of them had any lasting damage. And you know why that is?”

 

Wooyoung looked at him questioningly.

 

“They followed my advice and took it slow for two to three weeks. Most of them could start reintegration after that period,” Yunho gestured for Wooyoung to take of his shirt. Yunho saw him struggling and he helped him get out of it. With his shirt bundled up in his hands, Yunho took a step back and took a look at Wooyoung. “You haven’t followed my advice as I can see.”

 

Wooyoung softly rubbed his side where the wound had grown to cover his entire side and had become mostly black. Looking down, he was repulsed at what he saw and he wondered if San had been disgusted by him as well.

 

“Raise your arm for me will you,” Yunho asked politely as he approached Wooyoung’s side. Wooyoung did so and Yunho went to inspect the wound. “I’m going to feel the wound, to see if I can find any bumps or irregularities.” Yunho placed his hand on his wound and Wooyoung cringed.

 

“Have you been taking the painkillers?” Yunho informed.

 

“Yes- AH- I have, I’m almost out though,” Wooyoung said in between cringing from the pain. Yunho felt in between two of his ribs and that was when he felt it. “FUCK!” He screamed.

 

“Like I thought. You have a broken rib here,” Yunho said. He stepped back. “I think I couldn’t feel it last time because it was so swollen.”

 

“Fuck!” Wooyoung shouted again, in pain and frustration.

 

“You should still get that X-ray, to see if there are any bone fragments.”

 

Wooyoung felt himself become nauseous from the pain and he was glad he was sitting down. He felt how his face went blank and how he had to focus so as not to throw up. “Just… Make sure not to tell the police department anything. I can’t… I don’t want to live with that reality just yet.”

 

“They don’t come in here, they talk with commander Choi San about this, not with me. I’m just doing my job. Hey, are you okay?” Yunho looked at him with concern.

 

“Just get me a glass of water, please,” Wooyoung uttered, reaching his hand up to his forehead while clutching his stomach. He heard Yunho turn on the tap.

 

“Here,” Yunho presented a glass of water and Wooyoung took it from his hands. He carefully took a sip of water. Yunho was shaking his head.

 

“I know you don’t want my advice, but I’m going to give it anyway. Rest. Stay at home and take your pills. Watch those reruns of Law and Order and turn off your phone. If you want this to be over sooner than later, then you need to rest now.”

 

 

 

 

Wooyoung was exhausted. He was exhausted from feeling frustrated, angry and being in pain. Walking through the corridors to find his jacket in his office, he felt dizzy and his vision wasn’t clear. He had fooled himself. He thought that if he pretended that nothing was wrong, the wound would heal on its own and before he knew it he would be back at work. Instead of listening to Yunho’s advice and following protocol, he had pushed himself to his limit. He had overexerted his body.

 

But he soon realized why he had done it. When he walked into the office, he saw San sitting behind his desk and their eyes met. He had been able to endure the pain, because San had been there. San had showed interest in him and made his heart flutter and it had numbed the pain. Feeling his touch, his breath on his skin and his lips pressed on his, the bullet wound had just been a secondary sensation. He realized that San’s love was able to heal him. Looking upon San’s beautiful face, he knew that there was only one thing that he needed right now. He wanted to be consoled by San and he wanted to alleviate the pain.

 

“Are you still working?” Wooyoung inquired as he walked up to San. San leaned back in his chair and looked up to Wooyoung with an innocent look on his face.

 

“Yeah. There… There is a lot going on. How did your meeting with Yunho go?” San asked. Wooyoung went to sit on the edge of his desk, looking down at San.

 

“It was okay,” Wooyoung said shortly. He averted his eyes and played with his hands. He wanted to touch San. No, he wanted San to touch him.

 

“Did he tell you you can visit the clinic next Thursday?” San said as he clicked away some files on his computer and then proceeded to lean back and look up at Wooyoung again.

 

“Yeah, he did,” Wooyoung said. Even though Wooyoung felt the ache in his side screaming at him to take it slow and lie down, Wooyoung wanted to try something with San. He jumped off the desk and went to walk behind San’s chair. He placed a hand on San’s shoulder and then continued to slide his hand down his shirt.

 

“What are you doing?” San asked in a panic.

 

Wooyoung pulled his hand back. “What? I’m not allowed to touch you?”

 

San sighed. “No, of course you can,” he said softly. Wooyoung moved to stand beside him.

 

“Can I sit on your lap?” Wooyoung asked. San looked at him bewildered. “Uh. Yeah, sure,” he said hesitantly.

 

Wooyoung waited for San to pull back his chair so he could comfortably sit on him. As he went to sit down, he wrapped a hand around his neck and snuggled up against him.

 

“I missed you last night,” Wooyoung said and San pulled in his legs, pulling him closer to him.

 

“I missed you too,” San whispered. Wooyoung placed a hand under San’s chin and pulled his face towards him. He pressed a kiss on his lips and he noticed how San was breathing hard. He tried to deepen the kiss, but San was hesitant.

 

“What are you being nervous for?” Wooyoung asked with a grin.

 

“There are still colleagues around, anyone can walk in on us,” San said.

 

“Alright,” Wooyoung said as he wiggled around on San’s lap. “I’ll just go sit under your desk and no one can see us!” He gave San another kiss and wriggled himself off of San’s lap.

 

“No, wait,” San tried to say as he pulled on Wooyoung’s arm. Wooyoung stood on his two feet again and looked back at San. San was pressing his thighs together and had a worried look on his face.

 

Wooyoung laughed. He kneeled before San and he placed his hands on his thighs. “Don’t worry San, I’ll try to stay low,” he grinned. San grabbed onto Wooyoung’s hands in a panic, but Wooyoung proceeded to push his legs apart. Wooyoung felt a sense of pride as he realized that San had already gotten a hard on just from kissing him.

 

Wooyoung moved forward and traced his fingers over the fabric where the contour of his cock could be seen. He heard San breathe in. “I can suck you of here and no one needs to know,” Wooyoung said, looking up to San.

 

“What!?” San looked at him in surprise. Wooyoung moved forward and pressed down on his thighs. He saw how San’s cock was twitching underneath the fabric of his trousers and it made him horny. He breathed onto the fabric. Fuck it, he thought, and he proceeded to lick his clothed length.

 

San breathed in through his teeth. He dug his nails in Wooyoung’s hands. As Wooyoung moved his hand up to unbutton his trousers, San stopped him.

 

“Not here Wooyoung!” San said through his gritted teeth. “Please, Wooyoung, stand up,” San held his hands to help him stand up. Wooyoung stood up with a little protest.

 

“We can go to my office, it has a lock on it,” San said, his eyes were on fire. It turned Wooyoung on.

 

Wooyoung moved forward and he breathed down San’s ear. “I want you to fuck me on your desk.”

 

San leaned back immediately and he looked at Wooyoung with a look of surprise and lust. But it soon turned serious.

 

“Show me your wound,” San said, out of breath.

 

Wooyoung was caught off guard by his request. “No,” he responded, out of instinct. He knew that if he showed his wound he would either be repulsed by it, or he would deny him sex.

 

San looked at him in surprise. Then he carefully moved forward to unbutton his shirt. Wooyoung wanted to stop him, but he realized there was no point in trying. If they were going to have sex he was going to see his body regardless. As he reached the last button, he pulled his shirt back to reveal the wound. San put a hand to his mouth.

 

“Do I repulse you?” Wooyoung asked. The way San looked at him felt like he was being pierced through the heart.

 

“No, Wooyoung. No!” San went to reach for his hand. “Did Yunho say that there was anything abnormal?”

 

Wooyoung sighed in annoyance. “Well yeah, that I obviously have a broken rib.”

 

San shook his head. “We can’t have sex like this Wooyoung. I will hurt you even more.” He went to button up his shirt again quickly.

 

Wooyoung was appalled. Why was he rejecting him? There had been no problem the other night. So why was there a problem now?

 

“I don’t care San, I want you,” Wooyoung tried. San continued to button up his shirt.  

 

He had been hurt by the gun shot. It had left a big wound on his chest. He had suffered from it and was still suffering from it, but he could endure it. He could take painkillers for it. But the pain he felt because San was rejecting him was indescribable. There was nothing he could take to ease the pain.

 

Of all the ways this day could go, Wooyoung didn’t expect it to end like this. After all the bad news he had to endure, he had hoped he could find solace in San. Wooyoung searched San’s face, but he couldn’t read him. Wooyoung felt defeated.

 

 


	6. EDP: Emotionally Disturbed Person

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, sometimes it's hard to write these things. 
> 
> BTW, I wanted to warn you guys that this fic is going to mention terrorism and terrorist attacks. In light of the recent attack in Christchurch, I at least wanted to give you guys a heads up. This fic is based on the police's special forces and anti-terrorism forces and I try to make it as realistic as possible. 
> 
> Again, thank you for the huge support <3

“I have to be at a meeting at the police department,” San announced, turning around and adjusting his pants.

 

Wooyoung sat back against the desk and watched as San grabbed his jacket and put it on.

 

“I can pick up a refill of your medicine from the apothecary if you want me to,” San said, looking at Wooyoung curiously.

 

“I have the prescription at home,” Wooyoung said. He noticed how annoyed he sounded.

 

“Don’t worry, I wrote down the name of the pills, I’ll pick it up on the way to the police department. I’ll visit you tonight as soon as the meeting is over, is that okay?” Why did San pretend like nothing was wrong? Didn’t he see how tears were pricking behind his eyes?

 

“Sure,” Wooyoung said shortly. There was nothing else to say. Maybe it was better San went away and that he could finally go home.

 

His job was his life and never before in his career had he suffered an injury so severe as this one. He didn’t know how to deal with it. He had tried to ignore it, which didn’t work. He had tried to numb it, which didn’t work. He had tried to intoxicate himself with San, but even San had his boundaries. Now he had to succumb to it. He had to face his fear and get through it alone.

 

San lingered before he went on his way. He seemed to debate what he was going to say. He grabbed his bag from the floor. “Maybe you can ask Yeosang to have dinner together at your home?”

 

Wooyoung went to stand straight and made his way to the door. “I’ll ask Seonghwa.” He wasn’t going to ask Seonghwa. Neither was he going to ask Yeosang. He wanted to be alone. He told San he was going to ask Seonghwa just because he wanted to disagree with his suggestion. He knew he was being petty, but he simply couldn’t care less at this point.   

 

San hesitated before he answered and gave him a side-eyed glance. “Alright,” he finally said.

 

 

 

 

Wooyoung was being careless that evening. He rummaged through the cabinets to find something he could snack on as he decided he was going to skip dinner. The way Yunho had pressed on his ribs had made his wound feel sore and it had intensified the pain. He had taken another painkiller, but the pain dulled only a little bit. Watching TV gave him a headache and it didn’t take his mind of his new reality like he hoped it would.

 

Rest. Take your time. Two weeks and he could be starting reintegration, Yunho had said. It seemed like a long shot, considering the additional damage his body had to endure due to his recklessness. But what did he have to lose? It had now been confirmed that he had a broken rib, so there was no denying it or playing around anymore. If he wanted to heal, if he wanted to take his job up again then he had to submit.

 

He pulled himself of the couch and proceeded to turn the lights off in his building, safe for the light in his hallway. San hadn’t appeared yet and he wondered if he had just gone home instead. Meetings could take long, but it was past 11 now. Maybe it was for the better if he didn’t show up tonight.

 

Wooyoung pulled the blankets over him and tried to find a position that didn’t put a lot of pressure on his ribs. It was strange realizing that some of his ribs were broken, since he couldn’t feel anything moving around. There was just an immense pressure on his chest, that sometimes even felt suffocating.  

 

He had just entered his first deep sleep, when he heard the front door open. His eyes flashed open and he saw that his clock read 01:19. San had come after all?

 

The door of his bedroom opened and he heard rustling sounds as San entered the room. In the dark he could see the contours of San’s body as his face was hidden in the shadows. He saw how he was slowly undressing himself, taking his time to remove his watch, his t-shirt and his pants. It was still cold outside and his room wasn’t heated properly, so he was surprised to see San even removed his socks and underwear. He saw him sigh soundlessly, weave his fingers through his hair and proceed to walk around the bed.

 

San was fully naked and the realization gave Wooyoung a strange feeling in his gut just as San pulled away the blankets and settled below them. Wooyoung felt the cold radiate from his body as he moved closer to Wooyoung’s body. His breath touched his shoulder and he twitched in response.

 

“Did I wake you?” San whispered.

 

“I heard you come in,” San put a hand on his shoulder and rubbed over his arm. He traced his hand down his arm to find his hand to lace his fingers with his. He brought their hands up to Wooyoung’s chest and San snuggled his chin in the crook of his neck.

 

They were silent.

 

It was nice to lie like this and Wooyoung was glad that San had come after all. He felt secure in San’s arms and he had craved his touch more than he realized. They could fall asleep like this, but Wooyoung knew that there were so many things that were just waiting to be said.

 

“I’m sorry,” San whispered in his ear. He breathed in and pulled Wooyoung closer. “I’m so sorry.”

 

Wooyoung could hear the sincerity in San’s voice and he got a strange gut feeling from it. San was always in this superior, authoritarian position and to hear him apologize to him like that made him sound like he was below him.

 

Wooyoung didn’t say anything back. After all, what could he say? San was apologizing for multiple things. He was apologizing for the fact that he had put him in a dangerous position, that as a result from that he had wounded his body and that he was now off duty. He was apologizing for denying him upon seeing his body, which Wooyoung feared even had to do with how repulsive he looked. The way San apologized made Wooyoung feel even worse, because neither of them could do anything about the situation they were in now. They had to deal with the fact that they were policemen and that the job meant a negligence of their personal life.

 

“I’ll accept it. I will take my rest,” Wooyoung said timidly.

 

San kissed his neck. “It’s the best thing you can do.”

 

It hit Wooyoung like a ton of bricks. He realized that his career might have been ruined. If he finally went to the clinic and got his X-ray, he would be faced with the truth. He knew that that truth would be more difficult than what had been predicted so far. He had broken ribs. Broken ribs could heal, but some didn’t heal at all. He wouldn’t just be off-duty. He would be pulled from his position in the unit.

 

He had ignored the possibility, but if he added up all the symptoms it was obvious. Wooyoung’s throat felt dry and it became hard for him to swallow. San’s soft touch, the way he squeezed his hand and traced his thumb over the back of his hand, it became too much. The way he breathed down his neck, the way he could feel his heartbeat through his chest. It was all too much.

 

“Are you okay Wooyoung?” San asked worried. He pulled his hand free from his and went to stroke his hair. He traced his thumb over his cheek.

 

“This has been the happiest I have ever been. Why does it have to be like this?” He noticed that his voice sounded hoarse and there was no point in hiding it now. He felt a tear rolling down his nose and it landed on the mattress.

 

“Wooyoung, baby,” San pulled his face towards him, so he lay with his back on the mattress. He looked up to San who had a worried look on his face.

 

“Why are you crying? Please don’t cry, I can’t deal with that I-” San squeezed his eyes close and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Please Wooyoung, don’t cry.”

 

“I’m okay, San. I’m happy that you are here with me.”

 

“Yes but I’ve ruined you, you are crying for God’s sake,” San sounded pissed off and Wooyoung was worried for a moment about what he was going to do. Then he opened his eyes again and he wiped a tear off Wooyoung’s face.

 

“It’s done San. There is nothing we can do about it. Just help me relieve the pain,” Wooyoung said and he closed his eyes.

 

“How?” San sounded desperate.

 

“Kiss me,” Wooyoung breathed.

 

Wooyoung heard San swallow hard. His breathing pattern was slow but sounded loud in the quiet room. He felt San’s hand snaking up his neck and grabbing his jaw. As San pressed his lips on his, he felt a tear fall on his cheek and their kiss tasted like salt. The kiss was hard and rough, but it helped Wooyoung finally release the tension of the day. He let his tears flow.

 

As Wooyoung opened his mouth to let San enter, he writhed under his touch. He wanted to forget. Just for tonight, he wanted to forget. He wanted to be filled with San, filled with his every touch, breathing him in and breathing him out.

 

San’s hand travelled down his neck and then to his chest. He skipped his waist and planted his hand on his hip, controlling his movement. The way he pressed down on his hipbone made him push back instinctively. San moved his hand towards his crotch and Wooyoung moaned into San’s mouth when he touched his hard on.  

 

San released their kiss. “We have to stop seeing each other for a while, Wooyoung,” San said through gritted teeth. “There is so much going on at work. I don’t want to do this to you. I don’t want to pretend that we can have a stable relationship right now.”

 

Wooyoung felt his stomach churn. “What is going on?” Wooyoung asked with a small voice.

 

“I haven’t been a good commander. I have failed to follow protocol and I have ruined missions. I have misjudged my main mission and I have hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you, not again,” San said. He rubbed the back of his hand in his eyes. “I have to put a distance between us so I can’t hurt you again.”

 

Wooyoung sniffed, louder than he wanted too. “For how long?”

 

San took a deep breath. “There has been a terrorist attack in Busan.”

 

Wooyoung looked at San in shock.

 

 “It hasn’t been in the news yet, the police are keeping it quiet. They don’t want to cause an uproar and they are investigating everything right now. Your old commander Nam contacted me the other day. The police department is on it as well, I had a meeting with them tonight and they are taking it very serious. I have to train the guys for a potential terrorist attack in Seoul. In the coming week we will have a lot of trainings and the guys need to retake all the necessary tests. Everyone has to work overtime starting on Monday,” San paused before he continued. “I don’t know how long it will take, but I won’t have time to visit you. I will be too busy with everything. But it’s a good thing Wooyoung, I need to keep myself occupied so I don’t have time to think about you.”

 

He tried to sound encouraging. Like he had planned it all out like this, that it would benefit the both of them. Wooyoung felt sick to his stomach. San was going to immerse himself fully in his work and Wooyoung could not be a part of it. Neither as his colleague or as his partner.

 

“It’s what is best for us, Wooyoung. I cannot neglect my position as commander right now. You have to rest and I would ruin the process if I came to harass you at night all the time. I wouldn’t be able to care for you as a person, I would be too exhausted from my job to know my boundaries, my body would take over and make you do things you’re not supposed to be doing,” San said. “I’m a sick individual. That’s why I shouldn’t come near you.”

 

“You are not a sick individual- I want you in my life San. I want to be with you, I want to be in your team,” Wooyoung pressured San. He tried to stop the tears from filling up his eyes. “I don’t want it to be like this.”

 

San buried his head in the crook of Wooyoung’s neck. He moved his body closer to his and he felt his erection press against his thigh. “We both know it’s impossible right now.”

 

It was impossible. But he wanted it nonetheless. Wooyoung moved his head to find San’s lips. He placed his hand on San’s hip to press him closer against him.

 

“Tonight. Just tonight. Please,” Wooyoung pleaded.

 

San wanted to pull back. “I will hurt you, I will hurt you,” he said repeatedly. He sounded very troubled and he could hear the unsteadiness in his voice.

 

San’s words had hurt him. He didn’t want him to stay away from him. He wished he could be part of the team and participate in the trainings for a potential terrorist attack. After all, this was what he was trained to do, to protect his fellow civilians and to prevent bad things from happening. He wanted to be there, with him. But it was part of his reality that he wasn’t going to be.

 

Wooyoung didn’t care anymore. He pulled his pants down and went to lie on his side. “Please, hurt me,” Wooyoung said.

 

San pressed against him. His body was still cold, but it felt so familiar. San’s breath hitched and he felt how he moved against him. His hand travelled over his hipbone and grabbing onto it he pulled him into him.

 

“I can’t do this, Wooyoung, I can’t,” San said as he was moving his dick between his butt cheeks.

 

“Let me have this at least, San, before you go. Before you go out and leave me,” Wooyoung pressured him on as he grasped his hand that was rocking his hip.

 

“I’m not going to leave you,” San said, sounding hoarse.

 

“You just said you are, so please just let me have this,” a big tear rolled from his eye and wet his face. His mixed emotions made his lust for San intensify and he moved along with San’s motions.

 

San moaned and nipped at Wooyoung’s ear. He moved against him at a slow but steady pace, breathing harder as he continued.

 

“Is it okay? Is it really okay?” San asked panicked, but the lust in his words shimmered through.

 

Wooyoung sighed in relief. The headache that was pressing behind his eyes instantly decreased. “In the drawer of the bedside table are condoms and lube,” Wooyoung said.

 

San groaned and then he pulled away from him, rolling over to the side of the bed. He heard how he opened the drawer and was rummaging through it. “Hey we didn’t use this lube last time. When did you buy this?”

 

Wooyoung had been caught. “I already had it. Use that one, it’s better, smoother.”

 

“You really had me buy lube in that shop… Whatever, I’ll use it,” San rolled over to Wooyoung and he turned around to face San.

 

“Do I need to help you?” Wooyoung asked. His voice was still unsteady from crying.

 

“No… I will just help you first. Go lie on your side,” San said. Wooyoung obliged. He lay his head back against the pillow and waited for San’s touch. He heard him open the bottle and squeeze the liquid onto his hand. San placed a hand on Wooyoung’s neck and then he felt the other hand touching his entrance. The cold and wet feeling from the lube surprised him. But then he relaxed to his touch, closing his eyes as he slid a finger inside.

 

“Tell me what you want me to do?” San’s voice was close to his ear.

 

“Take me like this. While I lie on my side. Just go slow, really slow. It will put less pressure on my wound. And I want this to last as long as it can.”

 

“I feel selfish, so selfish.”

 

“I want you to be selfish.” The room was filled with the dirty sound of San’s slick fingers going in and out of Wooyoung. Wooyoung loved the sound, he wanted more of it. He wanted to be consumed by the thought and action of San taking him. San pushed a second finger inside and Wooyoung whimpered in response. As he pushed in his fingers deeply, Wooyoung couldn’t help but moan loudly. He was enjoying the sensation so much that he moved against his touch, intensifying the pleasure. He noticed how he began making whimpering and moaning sounds every time San pushed in to him.   

 

“Fuck Wooyoung, you are making it so hard for me,” he left marks of his teeth on Wooyoung’s neck, making Wooyoung groan in response. “Do you trust me to go slow? You have to help me I can’t do it alone,” San said out of breath.

 

“I – Ah- I trust you,” Wooyoung managed to say. Carefully, he reached down to slide his arm under his knee so he could pull it up and create more room. He felt the pain in his side, but he didn’t care.

 

“Use more lube, open me up.”

 

San pulled out his fingers and went to find the lube. He squeezed out more of the liquid on Wooyoung’s entrance and he could feel it trickle inside of him. It was the strangest sensation. He buried his head in his pillow as he tried to relieve the tension in his body and loosen his muscles.

 

San pushed his ass cheeks apart and went to push his fingers inside again. Wooyoung heard him breath in through his teeth and then he felt how he pushed his fingers inside him deeper and holding onto him he jerked his fingers violently making his body convulse. Wooyoung’s whimpering sounds were muffled in his pillow.

 

San pressed down his thumb on his balls, creating tingling sensations in his dick and around his entrance. He felt the intense need to pleasure himself, but he knew that if he did that it would be over too soon.

 

“Can I put it in?” San asked, his fingers still buried deep inside of him.

 

“Yes. I’ll guide you,” Wooyoung said. “Put on the condom.”

 

San breathed out shakily. He pulled his fingers free and Wooyoung was left feeling empty. With his head still buried in the pillow he could hear San open the bottle of lube and squeeze lube out of it. The sticky and slick sound of the lube on San’s cock filled the air. He could hear how he took himself in his hand and was pumping aggressively. Wooyoung groaned.

 

“Okay, help me,” San pressed his body against him again and searched for his hand. Wooyoung was trembling as he let San guide his hand down to his back. When his hand touched San’s dick it was so slippery and wet it glided through his hand, there was almost no grip. He tried to position him at his entrance.

 

“Grab my ass, spread my cheeks,” Wooyoung said and San instantly did so. He was pushed a bit forward and the movement made Wooyoung dizzy as he realised that it was finally happening. His heart was beating out of his chest as he carefully and slowly placed the head of San’s cock at his entrance. His muscles were convulsing as he opened up and closed at San’s touch.

 

“Aaaah-” San’s voice was in his ear and it was deafening. He slowly guided San inside of him and the sweet pain felt like the drug he had been craving all day long. The tip of San’s penis was inside of him, stretching him greatly and he knew that if San was going to move know he would slide deep into him. San had made himself so slick with the lube that there was no friction at all.

 

“You have to go really, really slow San,” Wooyoung said with a squeaky voice. He noticed that San was trembling. “Like really, really slow.”

 

San dug his nails in his cheek and then started kneading it. “Fuuuck- Fuck! How-” San started.

 

“Just push inside, I want your entire length inside of me,” Wooyoung’s voice was muffled by his pillow again. “I’ll push you back if you’re going too fast. Just do it.”

 

San moved inside of him, opening him up more and more. The sensation was strange and even nauseating, but he wanted to get this over with as fast as he could. San went a little faster and Wooyoung pushed back against his hipbone.

 

“Ah, sorry sorry,” San said as he continued at a slower pace.

 

Wooyoung groaned as the sensation of stretching further became too overwhelming. He made tiny noises and San responded by cooing him.

 

“Are you almost there?” Wooyoung asked.

 

“Yes,” San said.

 

Wooyoung grabbed San’s ass and pushed him inside, so he was buried inside of him fully. He gritted his teeth, trying to bare the intense stretch.

 

“My God, Wooyoung. I can’t believe we’re doing this again- fuck” San pressed his lips on Wooyoung’s shoulder.

 

“Stay still like that,” Wooyoung said.

 

“Wait what?” San whispered. Wooyoung felt him pulling back, but he grabbed his ass and dug his nails in his cheek.

 

“I said stay like that, don’t move,” Wooyoung ordered.

 

San groaned and he felt how he bit down on his shoulder. “Wooyoung I want to move inside of you, please!” He was begging him.

 

“Not yet,” Wooyoung knew he was testing him. But he knew that if he let San determine his own rhythm they would be done within a second.

 

San moved his leg up a bit, pushing Wooyoung’s leg up with his. “You’re really going to make me do it like this?” San weaved his fingers through Wooyoung’s hair. He grabbed a fist of hair and pulled his head back. “You’re such a dirty slut, making me fill you up like this.”

 

Wooyoung was surprised by the sudden change in San. “You’re really that impatient San?”

 

“I have to vent if you want me to stay still like this- fuck, why do you have to do this to me, you filthy cocksucker,” San nipped at Wooyoung’s ear, still holding a tight grip on his hair.

 

“I promise to suck you off if you’re a good boy now,” Wooyoung said through a tight throat. His head was angled backwards in such a way that it became harder for him to breath. The constricted position, with San buried deep inside of him, made him breath in an uneven pattern.

 

“Aaargh-” San groaned in his ear and he could feel how his legs were beginning to shake involuntarily beneath him. Wooyoung dug his nails deeper into San’s thigh.

 

“What you do to me… Wooyoung, it is not okay. When I’m with you I lose all control,” he swallowed hard. “I am weak under your touch.” His voice became shaky and he had to catch his breath.

 

Wooyoung let go of San’s thigh and almost instinctively San began moving in and out of him. Wooyoung moaned in response.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry-” San’s hand trailed over Wooyoung’s thigh. “I can’t help it.”

 

Wooyoung brought his hand up to San and searched for his face behind him. “Try to do it slow, you can do it. Make this worthwhile San, I don’t want to forget this.”

 

San slowed down, but he continued in an uneven pattern like he had no control over his body. He was breathing loudly, clearly finding it difficult to find a slow pace. The way San moved inside of Wooyoung caused such an intense pleasurable feeling, he zoned out everything else and focused on the feeling inside of him. He was moaning loudly, trying to control his own urge to push back against San.

 

“Is it okay like this?” San asked after finally finding a somewhat consistent pace.

 

“Ah- Yes, yes it is good like this. Ah!” Wooyoung’s muscles were contracting, opening up as San pushed inside and becoming tighter as he pulled out.

 

“Fuck Wooyoung, your ass is so good, you take me so well,” he buried inside of him again. “I’m getting close.”

 

Wooyoung opened his immediately. “No, not yet! Pull out of me,” Wooyoung pushed him off of him and he was left feeling empty as San slid out of him.

 

“Aaargh this is so fucking hard Wooyoung. I want to pick you up and pound in to you relentlessly,” San fell back on the mattress. His hand travelled down his back and felt at his entrance. His muscles were still contracting.   

 

“You will have a greater orgasm if you keep going like this,” Wooyoung said. “Try it again, please.”

 

San traced his finger around the muscles of his entrance. Wooyoung trembled and pushed back against his touch. San positioned his cock at his entrance and pushed inside again, making Wooyoung squeal loudly. His muscles contracted violently. The slick sound created by his movement filled the room.

 

“You fucking slut,” San whispered in his ear. He moved position and went to wrap an arm around his chest, pulling him closer into him and locking him into position. Somehow, San managed to find a steady slow pace again and this time he seemed more confident.

 

“I hope you think about this when you jack off in the shower tomorrow,” San said.

 

“I will have to, because you won’t be here anymore,” Wooyoung said with a sore throat.

 

San groaned. “Don’t say it like that.”

 

“But it’s true.”

 

San buried his face in his neck and he felt his teeth scraping over his neck. They were silent for a moment, safe for the consistent moaning coming from Wooyoung’s mouth.

 

“Wooyoung you sound so beautiful, I’m going to come soon,” San said with a smothered voice.

 

“Make me come first,” Wooyoung said feeling pressed.

 

“Yes baby,” San said, moving his hand down to find Wooyoung’s cock. Wooyoung stopped him.

 

“No, I want to come without being touched,” Wooyoung said.

 

“Is this angle working though? I need to change angle to push into you deeper,” San said out of breath.

 

“Do it,” Wooyoung said in a hurry. San released his arm from Wooyoung’s chest and he went to find Wooyoung’s leg which he pulled up and spread open. He lay down a bit lower, and he hugged onto Wooyoung’s leg so he created an angle to push deeper inside of him. Wooyoung fell slightly on his back from the change of position and the way San was pulling him in instantly intensified the feeling.

 

“Aaah! San! That hurts so fucking good,” he wanted to scream from the dizzying but pleasurable effect the new position gave him.

 

“Do I need to go faster or slower?” San asked, pulling on his leg and driving his cock deep inside of him.

 

“AH! No, just keep going like this. Just go… as deep as you can, ah-” Wooyoung could barely get the words out.

 

In the dark he could look to San who was sitting up a bit more, leaning on his elbow so he could control his movement more. He pushed inside of him deeper and he managed to hit his prostate as he did, stimulating the area as he continued his pace. Wooyoung had no control over the sounds he made anymore. He probably sounded ridiculous, but the pleasure was so all consuming, any sense of embarrassment was long gone.

 

“Does it hurt? Is this angle putting pressure on your ribs?” San sounded a bit concerned, probably by the noises he was making.

 

“No- No, there is no pressure. You’re just- fucking me so good,” Wooyoung’s eyes rolled back in his head.

 

“Come for me baby, you’re doing so well, you can come,” San cheered him on.

 

Wooyoung closed his eyes again and focused on how San was pounding into him. Every time San’s base hit his butt there was an awful loud clapping sound and Wooyoung made a weird squealing noise. The sound, the feeling and San’s rapid breathing pattern got Wooyoung nearing his climax.

 

“I’m close San, go faster, please go faster,” Wooyoung said with a high pitched voice.

 

San didn’t need to let him tell that twice. He angled himself higher, so he was slightly lifted from the bed and hovering above him. From this angle he could pull out further and push in deeper at a more rapid pace. The sensation was making Wooyoung nauseated and he felt the pain in his ribs intensify. But the pleasure was so much more overwhelming that the pain gained a pleasurable aspect.

 

Wooyoung came all over his stomach in waves, spurting white cum over his black and blue wound.

 

“Ride it out baby, ride it out,” San cooed Wooyoung as he slid in and out of Wooyoung at a quickened pace.

 

Wooyoung’s orgasm was long and intense and came over him in waves. He continued to release seed several times as San was still pounding inside of him. Wooyoung moaned and whimpered and the intensity of their conversation earlier and the pleasurable feeling he had know became too much. He burst out in tears, releasing all the tension he felt in his body.

 

“Aah- Baby-” San was still driving his dick inside of him at a much faster pace than Wooyoung had realized earlier. He felt how the muscles of his anus became tighter and tighter and the friction became more intense. San was overstimulating him and soon he wouldn’t be able to take much more. He looked up to San and in the dark he saw a broody look on his face as he grabbed on to Wooyoung’s leg tighter and jammed into him at an uncontrollable pace.

 

“San, San,” Wooyoung said through his tears. “San, stop. I’ll take you in my mouth.”

 

San slowed down hesitantly. He pulled his leg up and pulled it over his side so he was now positioned in between his legs. He leaned forward over Wooyoung. He was still inside of him. “Baby, baby, are you okay? Are you sure you want to do that?” He stroke his check with his thumb. He was still shaking and moving inside of him.

 

“Just pull out, it’s starting to hurt. I’ll suck you off,” Wooyoung said, trying to stop the tears from flowing.

 

San looked at him with a worried look. Then he leaned back and pulling Wooyoung’s legs up slightly, he removed himself from him. Wooyoung groaned at the strange feeling. San removed the condom and he tossed it aside.

 

“Come here, come here,” Wooyoung made a come-hither motion with his finger. San moved closer to Wooyoung’s side. Wooyoung went to lay his head back against the pillow. He was still trembling from the intense orgasm.

 

“Sit on my face, I’ll take you like this,” Wooyoung said, pulling on San’s arm. San’s eyes went big.

 

“Really? Is that okay?” San asked surprised. Wooyoung nodded and signed for him to sit close to him.

 

“Just put one knee at this side and one knee over my shoulder,” Wooyoung instructed as he showed how he wanted San to sit. San followed Wooyoung’s instructions and went to hover over him with shaky legs. Wooyoung slid one arm between his legs and placed his hand on his cheek so as to hold him in position. The other went round San’s base and he slowly began to pump his erection. Wooyoung took him in his mouth.

 

“FUCK ME-” San uttered.

 

Wooyoung pushed his hand on San’s ass, pushing him closer to him so he could take him deeper in his mouth. “Hold on to the headboard, I can take you deeper like that,” Wooyoung instructed. San did as he was told and Wooyoung began to lick his member by twirling his tongue around his cock’s head.

 

San moaned and moved his body along with Wooyoung’s motions. “Can I face-fuck you?” San asked out of breath. Wooyoung pulled his cock free from his mouth, leaving a trail of saliva hanging from his mouth to his cock.

 

“Go ahead,” Wooyoung said. He put his cock in his mouth again and San began to move rapidly. He felt the tip of his cock hitting his throat and he made choking sounds in response.

 

“Fuck yeah Wooyoung, make more of those sounds, I want to hear how my cock is destroying you,” San said as he frantically moved his cock in and out of Wooyoung’s mouth. Wooyoung couldn’t speak and was only left making slobbering and gagging noises. Saliva and precum were dripping down his chin making his chest and pillow all messy.

 

“I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum!” San said with a tight throat. He was pulling in and out of Wooyoung at a steady pace. “Can I cum on your face?” He asked in a panic. Wooyoung looked up at him with a worried look, being all worn out by sucking his cock. But he moved his head up and down, letting San know he could.

 

San pulled out of him and began to jerk his cock fervently. Wooyoung opened his mouth, looking up to San. San’s face was sweaty and his hair was sticking to his forehead. His arm was tensed up, showing the muscles on his arm as he was beating himself. Their eyes met and Wooyoung rolled out his tongue, ready to take his load. San’s expression changed and then he came, squirting white liquid all over Wooyoung’s face. Wooyoung closed his eyes just in time and he caught a lot of the sperm in his mouth which tasted bitter but sweet.   

 

San made a sound like a puppy being cornered and he leaned over the headboard while his legs were shaking violently. Wooyoung was enjoying the view, as he saw how San was coming completely undone.

 

“Fuuuck,” San exclaimed as he shakily pulled his leg back and went to lie down next to Wooyoung. He was out of breath and lying on his back he closed his eyes, taking a moment to catch his breath.

 

Wooyoung stared at him, stared at the man that had just fucked him hard. But he was going to leave him and now it was really over. Before he could give it any more thought, he searched for the blanket, pulled it over him and went to lie on his side. He closed his eyes, wishing that he could fall asleep as fast as possible.

 

San was pressing his body against him faster than he expected and wrapping an arm around him he pulled him closer to him.

 

“Fall asleep in my arms baby, tonight you are mine and we can be together,” San whispered in his ear.

 

Wooyoung cried himself to sleep that night.

 

 

 

 

The weekend went by slow. Wooyoung felt like he was living in a trance, doing everything on auto-pilot. Everything was a task, eating was bothersome, showering and getting dressed was bothersome, even sleeping was bothersome.

 

He found the bottle of painkillers San had brought for him on his dining table in the kitchen. The pain was always there, so he took as much pills as the prescription allowed. If he was lucky, the painkillers would even help him think less. His brain was constantly on, thinking about all the things that had happened in the last few days. It was hard for him coming to terms with being off duty for a longer time, but the added weight of San leaving his side made it that much harder to bear.

 

However, Wooyoung was not someone to beg for someone’s attention. So he ignored the group chat of their team that had become more active that Monday morning. He even debated switching off his phone, just so he wouldn’t constantly be reminded of the possibility that San could call him. Looking at his phone would give him more anxiety either way, he knew that it would consist of information and conversations about the recent terrorist attack that he would take no part in. He still couldn’t quite believe that there had actually been a terrorist attack and in Busan of all places. South Korea was a safe place, despite some of its internal problems and the constant threat of North Korea. He was curious what had happened, if there were any casualties and who was behind the attack.

 

The job would be busy right now. He would have had to work overtime, retake all kinds of tests and work together with the police department to map out what has happened and how to prevent a new attack. There would be a new psychological test, where the team would be tested on how they can deal with stressful situations and how they would respond to being potentially kidnapped. Furthermore, there would be a test for marksmanship, where they would have to shoot with different and multiple firearms.

 

However, Wooyoung was not going to have to take all those tests. Right now, he was not part of the team and realising that hurt him deeply.

 

He knew that there wasn’t anything he could do about it. He had to rest, both San and Yunho had assured him that that was the best thing to do. Even the inspectors had pressured him to stay at home and recover. There was no way around it, he had to submit.

 

When Wooyoung woke up on Tuesday, he thought to himself that it might be a good idea to do some minor exercises. His body was used to doing heavy work and being primarily bedridden was making his body weak. Doing some light exercises would help to retain his muscles and create a stronger body to quicken the healing process.

 

Even more, he realized that if he wanted to recover without losing spirit, he had to socialize. He craved to talk to his teammates, to catch up with Yeosang and Mingi and to drink beer with Seonghwa. Even if there was no time to be with San right now, he still could catch up with his other mates. Maybe it was even better to be in contact with them at this moment than with San.

 

He decided he would pop by the station today, just to get a little workout in and to join the team in the coffee break. It would be a delightful break from the reruns of Law and Order.

 

He packed his bag, decided to swallow another pill and then he went out the door to drive to the station. He took his time, carefully taking turns so as not to hurt his side. When he pulled up at the station, he noticed that there were more cars in the parking lot. He sighed as he realized that he had already missed out on so much.

 

When he entered the building, he saw that several men in suits walked around the hallways. They must be from higher up, he thought, since he didn’t recognize them. There was no point in mingling with them, so he went straight to the gym. He changed into his sweats in the locker room and as he entered the gym, he noticed that he was the only one there. It wasn’t a surprise. There was no time for the men to be working out in the gym, their schedules would be filled up with trainings for a potential terrorist attack.

 

Wooyoung decided to walk on the treadmill, choosing the exercise that would put the least strain on his body but would increase his heartrate. He had brought his phone to listen to music. It was nice to zone out for a moment, since he had been locked up in his apartment for the last few days. Even though he wasn’t working, he was now doing something to at least keep him occupied. And he noticed that his body had needed it. He was out of breath within no time, he had lost a lot of his stamina since he had been shot in his chest.

 

He was on the treadmill for about 30 minutes until he decided to do some stretches to relieve the tension in his muscles. He went to find a mat and turned the music louder. He loved to listen to R&B that had a strong beat in it while he worked out. He sat down and carefully stretched his arms and legs, making sure not to make any movements that would put pressure on his ribs. He was happy to notice that the pain didn’t intensify a lot.

 

He decided that he wasn’t going to take a shower, because he hadn’t sweat a lot. He just went to splash some water on his face and put on some deodorant. He checked his phone to see what the time was and it said 9:55. Just in time for the coffee break.

 

As he entered the coffee room, he noticed that there was something standing by the coffee machine that he didn’t recognize.

 

“Oh hello,” the person looked up at Wooyoung and he had a big smile on his face.

 

“Hi,” Wooyoung said, looking at him curiously. The man had a small posture and was somewhat shorter than him. His hair was long and fell over his turtleneck in the back. “Have we met?” Wooyoung asked curious.

 

The man pulled the coffee cup from under the machine and placed it on the countertop of the kitchenette. He wiped his hand clean on his black working trousers. “I don’t think so,” he went to shake Wooyoung’s hand. “My name is Kim Hongjoong, I just got transferred here from the Yongsan-Gu squad. Are you part of this squad?”

 

Wooyoung was surprised to hear that they had a transfer. “Yes, my name is Jung Wooyoung. I’m part of the Songpa-Gu squad.”

 

“Oh yes, they have told me about you. You are the one that has been hit during the firearms mission recently?” Hongjoong inquired.

 

Wooyoung nodded his head hesitantly.

 

Hongjoong presented a cup of coffee to him. “Do you want coffee?” Wooyoung gladly took the cup of coffee from his hands.

 

Hongjoong went to grab his coffee and  then turned around to sit at the coffee table. Wooyoung followed his example. “Do you mind talking about it?” Hongjoong asked curiously.

 

Wooyoung shook his head. “Not at all. I have been shot in the side, the bullet vest prevented it from penetrating me. The impact has left me with this awful bruise. Thursday I will have an X-ray to see if  I have any broken ribs,” Wooyoung told Hongjoong. It was strange telling his story to a stranger like that.

 

Hongjoong furrowed his brow. “God, you must be in so much pain. Are you taking painkillers?”

 

Wooyoung retrieved his bottle of pills from his pocket. “These keep me going on the daily.”

 

“I bet. It has happened in my team recently as well, turned out he got away with bruised ribs, but he is still at home recovering. Takes a while as you know,” Hongjoong told him, taking a sip from his coffee.

 

“Yeah,” Wooyoung said a bit unsure. He wondered why he spoke of the other team as his team. Was he here for good or…? “So have you been transferred here permanently?”

 

“I don’t think so... They transferred me here because of the recent terrorist threat and the team was short of people,” Hongjoong paused. “No offence.”

 

Wooyoung shook his head, telling him it was okay.

 

“They rearranged all squads in Seoul, adding and subtracting policemen from every unit making sure that they can all respond effectively to an attack. It is pure chaos in the police department of Seoul right now. I just did what I was told,” Hongjoong laughed and took another sip of his coffee.

 

The way Hongjoong explained to him how he had been transferred here was strange to Wooyoung. Something was off about it. He wondered why Hongjoong had been transferred to their team and what he was exactly making up for.

 

They heard the door of the coffee room open and Seonghwa walked inside. Wooyoung looked up to Seonghwa and he saw how his eyes widened.

 

“What are you doing here Wooyoung?” Seonghwa asked in an almost alarming way.

 

“I thought I would join you guys for your coffee break. Don’t worry though, I’m taking care of myself  and I’ve been resting well the last few days,” Wooyoung explained.

 

Seonghwa’s brow was furrowed as he listened to Wooyoung. He walked towards the kitchenette to get himself a coffee.

 

Hongjoong leaned over the table to grab Wooyoung’s bottle of pills. “Let me see those pills, I bet they gave you a high doses,” he said as he inspected the bottle. “God forbid I ever get shot.” He knocked on the table and placed the bottle down again.

 

Seonghwa joined them at the table. Wooyoung noticed how silent he was and he wandered what was up with him.

 

“I know I’m off duty for now, but let me hear, what are they making you guys do?”

 

Seonghwa and Hongjoong exchanged looks. “Well, we mostly had a lot of talks and presentations yesterday. Today they want to get in some more… practical stuff,” Seonghwa said carefully.

 

“Hmm, like what?” Wooyoung asked.

 

The door opened and he saw how his other colleagues entered the room. They all noticed Wooyoung and walked towards him.

 

“Brother! How are you? Are you holding up in that apartment of yours?” Mingi asked with a smile on his face. He laughed at him telling it was going so-so.

 

“You got a refill?” Yunho asked, pointing at the bottle and Wooyoung nodded.

 

Due to the fuss of the guys entering the room, Wooyoung almost didn’t notice how San entered the room last. Their eyes met for a split second, but San averted his eyes, acting like he didn’t notice him. Wooyoung tried to act like he didn’t care.

 

The guys went to grab their coffee and they sat around the table.

 

“You already met Hongjoong, he just got here yesterday, he has no idea what’s waiting for him,” Mingi said with a grin on his face.

 

“Don’t scare him away,” Wooyoung said sipping his coffee.

 

“Oh I can take it, don’t worry about it. He has to follow me in the end anyway,” Hongjoong said.

 

The room fell silent. He saw that San was looking down at his coffee cup. Yeosang stared at him with a worried look. There was something off.

 

“What do you mean he has to follow you?” Wooyoung asked, genuinely curious. He felt how his heart began to beat faster however.

 

Just as Hongjoong was about to say something, San opened his mouth. “He is going to be leading the missions from now on.”

 

Wooyoung looked at San. San looked at him with piercing eyes and he sipped from his coffee, never breaking eye-contact. “The police department ordered for the teams to be readjusted. We needed a new leader.”

 

Oh he knew what San meant. It was all very clear to Wooyoung. He chugged his coffee, which was still seething hot. He crushed the cup in his hand. The guys stared at Wooyoung.

 

“Can we talk alone for a second San?” Wooyoung said through gritted teeth.

 

San placed down his coffee. “Sure,” he said calmly.

 

The guys started talking again, trying to cover up what had just happened. Wooyoung felt betrayed and he looked around the room, noticing how the boys were avoiding eye contact. San stood up slowly, taking his time to push his chair in. Wooyoung stood up and walked out the door to go to San’s office.

 

He felt how a warmth spread throughout his body. The heat was spreading to his neck and even his face. Wooyoung didn’t get angry easily, someone had to do something horribly wrong in order to piss him off. He never imagined that San would become a reason for him to get angry.  

 

He swung open the door with force and waited impatiently for San to enter the room. When he finally did, he began shouting at him. “A new leader? And I have to find out like this?”

 

San approached him carefully. “Wooyoung, there has been a terrorist attack and the police department has ordered me to take on other personnel.”

 

“They told you to make him the leader of missions?”

 

San closed his eyes and shook his head. “No, but we need a new leader for now Wooyoung.”

 

Wooyoung couldn’t believe what he was hearing. They needed a new leader? He had replaced him because he had failed to do his job as leader? “I didn’t expect to get hit, San. I’m sorry for that! But I was not planning on leaving my position as leader. I want to continue when I have healed!”

 

San turned around and went to sit down on his desk. He grabbed onto the wooden desk, making his knuckles turn white. “I knew you wanted to return. But I don’t want to put you in that position again, not now, not with this threat.”

 

Wooyoung was taken aback by his comment.

 

San looked up and he had a pained look on his face. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”

 

Suddenly the puzzle pieces fell into place. Wooyoung breathed in and out in a panic as he realized what San had done. He had fabricated the whole thing.

 

“What have you done San?” Wooyoung asked with a small voice.

 

San closed his eyes. “Before your talk with the inspectors, I had been in touch with the police department. They had informed me about the terrorist attack in Busan. They asked me about you, how you were doing and I knew that I had to tell them that it was better to put you off duty for now given the situation. So I just told them that you had broken ribs, that Yunho had confirmed it and that you only needed to get an X-ray done to see how many had actually broken.”

 

Wooyoung held in his breath. “So you are the one that told them to put me off duty? You suggested to them to put me off duty for longer than a month?”

 

San let his head sink. “I am trying to protect you.”

 

“Trying to… Trying to protect me!? What kind of a sick joke is that?” Wooyoung put his hands in hair. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening!

 

San stood up and approached Wooyoung. “I had no choice, Wooyoung. I wanted to do what was best for you.”

 

“You had every choice, San. And you chose to do this,” he scoffed at San. “You said you would help me!” Wooyoung felt how he was becoming angrier by the second as he realised what San had done.

 

“I still want to help you, Wooyoung, it has just been such a chaos and I had to do something,” San tried.

 

“All you care about is yourself, San. You only care about your own position, your own security and your own pleasure. Not one moment did you think about me when you made that decision,” Wooyoung turned around, rubbing his fingers at his temple as he felt a headache coming up.

 

He heard San sigh. He was at a loss for words. “I- I care about you Wooyoung. I never meant to hurt you by doing this.”

 

“Yeah I know you care about me. You care about this ass, that you can fuck whichever way you want and whenever you want. Isn’t that convenient?” San looked at him in disbelief. “Well at least you got your fix this weekend. It will never happen again.”  

 

Wooyoung turned around and walked out the door. San didn’t deserve to see his tears.

 

 


	7. Fel.: Felony

“If you look here, you can see where the bone is broken,” the doctor pointed at his lower rib on a  scan of his chest that was projected on a huge see-through sheet that was illuminated with blue and white light. “You see that fine line that looks like a hair? That is where the bone was broken, but luckily it is still in place. It hasn’t punctured any of your vital organs.”

 

“Only one rib is broken?” Wooyoung informed.

 

“Yes. The ribs above this one are slightly indented, but this rib is where the bullet had its impact.”

 

Wooyoung relaxed. He was surprised that he had only one broken rib, given that he had been in so much pain. But something told him that there was still a lot of damage done.

 

“Right now this rib is, so to say, floating in your chest. This means that it is very vulnerable and it can take a long while before its healed. Sometimes surgery can accommodate the healing process, by installing metal pins to keep the rib in place. Since this is one of the lower ribs, I do not recommend this procedure, since the rib is quite small and heals better on its own. The only thing that can quicken the healing process is rest,” the doctor smiled at him awkwardly. He probably thought that anything he said was reassuring. Wooyoung could hear only one thing of what he had said and that was that the healing process was going to be slow. Very slow.

 

“Who do you want me to send the X-ray and my additional comments to?” the doctor asked politely as he sat back down in the chair behind his desk.

 

“I would like to have them, I’ll hand them in to my commander personally,” Wooyoung said stoically. He was going to hand them in to San personally. That bastard was the one that put him in this position and had made his life miserable. He was going to see what he had done to his body, how he had fucked it up. Besides, it didn’t matter anymore who saw the X-ray. San had already murdered his career, he could do with them whatever the fuck he wanted.

 

“Alright. I’ll write my advice regarding your healing process as well. I suggest that you will be taking time off for 4-6 weeks and check back in with your doctor every two weeks. I understood that you are taking painkillers, can you tell me what kind and what the doses is?”

 

Wooyoung retrieved the bottle of pills from his pocket and handed them over to the doctor. The doctor inspected them for a little while. “They have just given you tramadol?” the doctor asked. Wooyoung nodded. The doctor looked at him in shock. “You must have been in so much pain! I can see if I can write you morphine, that is the normal procedure in this clinic for people with broken ribs.”

 

So he had been in pain for nothing. Even Yunho failed him now in regards to his gun shot wound? But then he realized that Yunho probably couldn’t have written him stronger painkillers, simply because he couldn’t mention that his ribs were broken. He might have just wanted to protect him by not mentioning it, so the police department wouldn’t find out. Maybe that’s why he had pushed him so much to get an X-ray. He brought his hand up to his face to pinch his nose bridge. God, he had been so awfully stubborn.

 

“I would love to get morphine,” Wooyoung said.

 

“I’ll see what I can do. It will mostly be given in the first period after the injury. We want to try not to make you dependent on the drugs.” As if that would be a bad thing.

 

“Are there any questions you still have?” the doctor asked, typing in something on the computer that was in front of him on the desk.

 

“What is your personal opinion… I mean, how long do you think it takes for me to heal?” Wooyoung asked, looking the doctor straight in the face.

 

The doctor sighed. He leaned back in his chair and rolled the chair back. “Can I see the wound again?” He asked.

 

Wooyoung nodded and stood up. He raised his shirt to show the wound. The doctor rolled with his chair around the desk to take a closer look at Wooyoung’s body. “It seems like you have put a lot of pressure on it recently, which has made the wound sore and inflamed. Do you ice it?”

 

“Yes, I did in the beginning.”

 

“I suggest to do it every night. You seem to be moving around a lot still and since the wound is so vulnerable it is putting a lot of stress on it. You really need to rest and not move around a lot,” the doctor suggested. “Other than that… It depends. The wound can heal in two to three months, but it can also take up to a year to be fully healed. All I can say is that rest is key.”

 

 

 

 

If Wooyoung could erase the last few weeks from his mind, he would. Every good thing that happened, was instantly crushed after San had told him what he had done. When Wooyoung realized the extent of his evil plan, he looked back at their first moment together, back in that tent.

 

It was clear now to him that San had used him. He wondered why he had never realized it before, since there were so many stories from the military where men were sexually abused. It hadn’t been that bad for him luckily, since he had just touched San, but he became nauseous just thinking about all the things that could have happened. After all, sex slaves were a normal thing in the army.

 

He also thought about the moment just after he had been shot and the adrenaline that spurted throughout his body back then. Looking back, he had actually been high, like he had been on drugs. Everything he did in that moment, he didn’t think about. He was fuelled by the adrenaline, which gave him a euphoric feeling, like he could do anything. He had been overly confident, responding to San’s advances with much pleasure. He realized now that had he not been shot, that moment would have never happened and San probably wouldn’t have come to him at all.

 

It wasn’t strange, however. He had been told before by straight guys that there was something about him that intrigued them. They liked his company and they though that he was kind of beautiful. Some had even confessed to him that they would want to try it with him, even though they had girlfriends back home. San explicitly told him that he was straight as well and that he was just purely interested in him. Was he like those other guys, curious to try out the other sex just for the heck of it? When he thought about it, it was clear that he and San had a strong sexual connection. The closest they had come to talk about their feelings had resulted in shallow talk and even jealousy. He had to admit that even for him, it was easier to have sex than to talk about his feelings.

 

After all, what did he really know about San? What did he know about his motivations for joining the police? They had met in the army, but their journey had been entirely different from each other. They had entirely different motivations for joining the police, but they were both very passionate and serious about their job. How come they couldn’t talk about it then?

 

What San had done to him, broke something in Wooyoung. He had had a fantasy about San that was now completely ruined. Maybe if he had put in an effort to talk more seriously with San, or listened to the warnings that Seonghwa had given him about San then he could have prevented himself from getting hurt so much. He wanted to open up, he wanted to get a strong connection with San which he truly believed could blossom, but he had fooled himself. He had let San in way too easily and San had taken advantage of the situation. Now Wooyoung was at home, quite literally licking his wounds.

 

Somehow, the painkillers had numbed his emotions. That could have been due to the fact that he took more than the recommended doses. While he was watching Stranger Things that Wednesday night, the sound coming from the tv sounded like white noise to him. He couldn’t quite pick up what they were saying, but for his comfort he turned on the subtitles. He didn’t follow the storyline, but the jump scares kept him awake. He jumped up when he heard the doorbell ring.

 

San? Was the first thing that crossed his mind. He instantly got chills over his body, as he was brought back to the emotions that he had felt yesterday. He felt angry, but at the same he became nervous having to deal with San.

 

He stood up to walk to the door slowly. If it was San, would he let him in? For a moment he considered letting him in and if he apologized to him, he might even be too weak to send him away. However, that thought went away quickly. With a pounding heart he looked at the camera of the intercom to see who was standing outside his door. He saw a head of white blond hair. Seonghwa!

 

“Hey brother, what are you doing out here so late?” Wooyoung pressed in the intercom.

 

“I know it’s late, but I had to see you, see how you were doing. Can I come up?” Seonghwa’s voice sounded creaky through the intercom.

 

Wooyoung buzzed open the door. “Come on in.” He saw how Seonghwa disappeared through the door. A rush of emotions went through Wooyoung. His friend was here to check on him and it warmed his heart to know that he had made time to come down to his apartment. He knew their schedules were crazy right now, so Seonghwa had really made an effort to come down to his place.

 

Wooyoung opened the door early to see Seonghwa coming up the flight of stairs. He saw Seonghwa’s bright smile before he saw the rest. A warm feeling went through his body. “Hey brother,” Seonghwa said as he approached him at the door. They shook hands like they often did and smiled at each other.

 

“Please, come in, you must be so exhausted from the job. Why did you come down here?” Wooyoung asked and closed the door behind them.

 

“Yes, it has been super hectic, but I found some time to come down here, so I thought I had to do it. I feel so bad for what happened. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you anything,” Seonghwa started and he lowered his eyes.

 

Of course, he felt remorse. He had maybe known a day earlier that San had recruited a new leader and he had probably felt bothered to tell Wooyoung. “Don’t worry about it, it’s not like you can do anything about it,” Wooyoung said with half a smile. “Come on, sit down in the living room. Can I get you something? Have you eaten yet?”

 

Seonghwa rubbed his belly. “I haven’t had dinner yet… Do you have some leftovers?”

 

“I have some takeaway ddeokbokki left, do you want some?” Wooyoung inquired.

 

Seonghwa’s eyebrows went up. “Yes! I am totally craving ddeokbokki right now,” he was almost salivating from his mouth.

 

“You want some beer with that?”

 

Seonghwa grinned and did a thumbs up. “You know my taste!”

 

Wooyoung disappeared in the kitchen and retrieved the ddeokbokki from the fridge. He put the container in the microwave and then grabbed two beers from the fridge. He noticed he was a bit dizzy so he leaned against the countertop of the kitchen. It might not have been the best idea to double his doses.

 

Wooyoung placed the plate of ddeokbokki and a can of beer in front of Seonghwa and he rubbed in his hands from excitement. “Thank you so much! My last meal was around 3 this afternoon,” Seonghwa said and he went to open his beer and opened a package of chopsticks.

 

“What have you guys been doing all day?” Wooyoung asked curiously.

 

“We had some annoying presentations on policies regarding terrorist threats. This guy has been put on our team, he has specialist knowledge on the topic. He is there to guide San as well. We got a presentation on new equipment as well, that we will have to test during the coming weeks. Honestly, the whole team is bothered that they decide to introduce the new equipment now,” Seonghwa took a big bite of the ddeokbokki, but it was still hot so he grabbed his can of beer to cool his mouth. “God that’s hot. Well anyway, so we had those presentations, then we had a training in the gym, which was focused on disarming an opponent and after we were finally done, we got a report for a DUI in Gangnam. So the whole team was out for another 6 hours. Stupid guy hit the crash barrier with his truck. Highway had to be blocked off, fire department had to be called in, the whole shebang.” Seonghwa blew on his food to cool it off and then took another bite. “So this” – he pointed at the food -  “is the best thing ever right now,” Seonghwa said with his mouth full.  

 

For once he was glad that he didn’t have to deal with the job. Car chases were an awful business, especially if the person was a big danger to the other drivers on the road. Truckdrivers riding under influence were the worst and them ending up crashing almost 90% of the time resulted in a lot of trouble on the highway. Often they had to function as a traffic warden, because it would take a while until the fire department and the road patrol would arrive. It could get awfully cold standing on the highway for more than an hour.

 

“God that sounds awful. And that is such a busy schedule. I didn’t hear anything about it, I wasn’t send any emails,” Wooyoung said bothered as he opened up his beer. It was true, ever since his little talk with the police department there hadn’t been many emails in his inbox. If San hadn’t mentioned the terrorist attack, he wouldn’t have known.

 

Seonghwa looked at him from the corner of his eyes. “They didn’t send you the information? …I really don’t know what is going on with San,” Seonghwa and his thoughts seemed to be elsewhere. Then he took a swig of his beer and placed both his beer and his chopsticks down. He retrieved his mobile phone from his pocket. “You want to see the ridiculous schedule we have for this week? They have even send the next week and that looks like it’s going to be really tough.”

 

Wooyoung nodded. He was really curious to see what had been going on at the job, especially since he had known nothing about it up until now. Wooyoung took Seonghwa’s phone from his hand and looked at the doc file that was opened on it. He scanned through it and saw the different presentations listed and the meetings that were particularly important for Seonghwa. The first week mostly consisted of trainings on techniques they were used to using and on the information that could be given regarding Busan and a potential terrorist attack in Seoul. The next week seemed more interesting, because it involved a lot more outdoors training. There was a fitness test, a specific training with the police dogs and martial arts training. On the Tuesday there was a marksmanship test.

 

“Wait they have rescheduled the biannual marksmanship test?” Wooyoung asked surprised.

 

“Yeah, they rescheduled all the important tests to occur in the next few weeks,” Seonghwa said, scratching the back of his head.

 

Great. That meant even more delay for his reintegration, because now he wouldn’t be able to take the tests with the guys. Even worse, they were now definitely not going to put him on the team during the period with a terrorist threat. No wonder San hadn’t bothered to send him the files. He handed the phone back to Seonghwa and rubbed his temple. “Do you mind sending me those files?”

 

“Sure,” Seonghwa said and pressed a few buttons on his phone. “It’s really strange that I need to be the one to show you this. I’m sorry Wooyoung, San did you dirty,” Seonghwa said as he placed his phone on the table and grabbed the container of ddeokbokki.

 

“He told the police department I have a broken rib, so he ruled me out to begin with. But he was correct, I got an X-ray today that finally confirmed it,” Wooyoung said, sighing deeply.   

Seonghwa almost choked on his beer. “He snitched on you!? He told us the police department forced him to take on Hongjoong as the new leader!”

 

“They might have. All I know is that he talked it through with the department, making sure to tell them I was incapable of returning to the job soon.”

 

“And he never checked with you before doing all this?”

 

“Nope,” Wooyoung took a sip of his beer. Seonghwa looked at him in disbelief and shook his head.

 

“That bastard. He thinks he owns the place huh, he’s just joined our squad!”

 

Wooyoung raised his shoulders. He thought the exact same thing, but was too tired and drugged up to say anything else about it.

 

They sat in silence for a while, watching the tv series that Wooyoung had put on and they downed their can of beer.

 

“Another one?” Wooyoung asked and Seonghwa nodded with a smile.

 

Wooyoung walked into the kitchen to retrieve two beers from his fridge. When he walked back into the living room and he handed Seonghwa his beer, he saw that his expression had changed.

 

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Seonghwa asked carefully.

 

Wooyoung opened up his beer. “Sure.”

 

Seonghwa followed his example and opened his beer. He took a big gulp. “Was there something going on between you and San?”

 

Wooyoung side-eyed him. “What do you mean?”

 

Seonghwa cleared his throat and looked to the ground. “Well… I know that you are gay. And well… I have been noticing that you and San have had some strange encounters that just made me suspicious there was something more going on. Have you been sleeping with him?”

 

“Yeah,” it came out easier than he thought it would. After all, admitting to Seonghwa that he was sleeping with a man was the easiest to admit. The hardest thing to admit was that he had slept with the man that had fucked him over.

 

“I’m sorry… But can I ask why? I mean… how does that work?” Seonghwa nervously took another sip of his beer.

 

“I killed a man and San got turned on I guess,” Wooyoung said with a straight face.

 

Seonghwa’s eyes went big. “So you mean to say… You two did something in the lockers after that mission!?”

 

Wooyoung nodded.

 

Seonghwa’s jaw dropped and he stared at him in shock. “I know we’re not supposed to be in an intimate or romantic relation with any of our colleagues, let alone higher ranks, but I couldn’t refuse San. I couldn’t resist him. I have known him for a long time, we met in the army and we were best buds. He chose to join the investigation team and I went straight to the Special Operations Unit,” Wooyoung explained. “After he joined our squad I didn’t think something would happen, because he was so cold and serious all the time. But it happened.”

 

“I mean, being friends with San I can understand. But being intimate with him… I’m sorry to be so nosy, but did you like being intimate with him? He seems so bossy, he always wants to be in control,” it was clear that Seonghwa was beginning to get slightly intoxicated. He would normally never talk about anything that was related to Wooyoung’s sexuality.

“He is a bit enthusiastic sometimes, but overall it was okay. I have to admit that I was the one pushing it most of the time,” Wooyoung said. It felt strange to talk about it with Seonghwa.

 

“I didn’t think San to be gay,” Seonghwa raised his eyebrows and took another sip of his beer.

 

“He isn’t,” Wooyoung said.

 

“But you two – you did have sex right? Like, gay sex?” Seonghwa sounded innocent.

 

“Yeah he fucked me,” Wooyoung said. By saying that he realized that it was now in the past. He had fucked him, but it wouldn’t happen again.

 

“Gosh I’m so rude. I shouldn’t have asked that. I’m so used to straight sex and banter between my friends on the women we fuck. I don’t know how everything goes in the gay scene,” Seonghwa got a red glow on his face both from embarrassment and the alcohol.

 

“Pretty much the same. Only we talk about it way more often than straight men,” Wooyoung said, giving Seonghwa a nudge.

 

“But don’t worry, you won’t have to hear me talk about the things me and San get up to. I told him  to fuck off after I went off on him in his office,” Wooyoung said bitterly.

 

Seonghwa looked at him surprised. “Really? He told us that you two had a little talk in which he clarified the situation and that you had went home after,” Seonghwa said.

 

He couldn’t believe what Seonghwa said. So San had decided to play this dirty game of his where he decided to silence him? Make it seem like they were on equal grounds and they had both decided ‘that it was better this way’? That he was a weak little bitch that needed to stay home because of his injury? Wooyoung felt sick to his stomach. The fucking bastard should have never come to their squad.

 

“I should have never fallen for him. I’d be so much better off if I had picked you,” Wooyoung clinked his beer can against Seonghwa’s.

 

“Me? I don’t know Wooyoung, I’m uh…” Seonghwa began to stutter.

 

“Don’t worry brother, I was just joking,” Wooyoung showed half a smile to Seonghwa. Seonghwa began to laugh.

 

“I’m sorry for acting so stupid. You can always talk boy talk to me if you want to, even if I might be bad at giving advice in that regard,” Seonghwa tried to show his support. Wooyoung appreciated it a lot and realized how good of a friend he had in Seonghwa. He didn’t know what he would have done this evening if it wasn’t for some distraction from him.’

 

“Luckily you won’t be hearing much boy talk for a while.”

 

 

 

 

Wooyoung read through the schedule again and again. Seonghwa had gone home and he had went straight to bed after. But he couldn’t sleep. His mind was racing with all different kinds of thoughts. What had been San’s intentions? It was clear that he had done him dirty at the job, but what they had outside of that, was nothing of that real?

 

The first time they had been together had been so amazing. It had almost been perfect, safe for his annoying injury. Had San just used him for his pleasure or was there something more?

 

Wooyoung wanted to hit his head against the wall just so he would stop thinking. Nothing really made sense and thinking about what happened made him feel so hurt inside that he wanted to grab the bottle of pills and down it.

 

The only thing that helped him get his mind off of things was by pretending he was still part of the team and participating in the trainings and tests. He scanned the schedule and saw that on the Friday, which was tomorrow, they had an outdoor training planned with the new equipment. The new equipment consisted of new longer shields that were partly see through and new guns that they would have to use simultaneously. The location was at a shooting range just outside the city where they usually had their marksmanship tests as well. This training was scheduled for the afternoon and after that they had to resume their usual duties.

 

Wooyoung wondered if he should go to the range to hand in his X-rays directly to San. On the one hand it seemed like the biggest fuck you to San if he handed it in like that, so everyone could see, but on the other hand he might get so angry he would lose control and rampage and he wasn’t sure that that was a good idea right now. He decided the best thing would be to just go to his office and put the papers on his desk. He checked the schedule and saw that they should be back around 4. If he just went there around that time, San’s office would probably be unlocked and if he was lucky he could meet him there so he could see the look on his face.

 

It was exactly what Wooyoung did the next day. He had already doped himself up for the rest of the day when he left the door. Driving in his car wasn’t particularly hard, because the pain had been numbed pretty well. Sometimes he heard strange noises inside his body that were triggered when he made big turns on the road. Floating ribs, the doctor had said. Wooyoung imagined how his ribs were shifting around in his body.

 

At the station he saw the cars of his colleagues parked side by side. At the end he saw San’s car and he felt tingles in his stomach. He jumped out of the car, before retrieving the packet of papers from the passenger’s seat. Walking through the door, he suddenly felt nervous. He had to face San and after his outburst earlier that week, it seemed like one of the hardest things he had to do. What would he say, what would he do? Was he going to say anything at all? Somehow he expected San to be unbothered, to be cold and heartless towards him, like he had been when he first joined their squad. Maybe it was better like that.

 

There weren’t as many people around when he walked through the corridor and a quick look through the windows of their joint office told him that the guys were elsewhere, maybe in the meeting room or something. He walked up the corridor to San’s office and his heart started to beat faster. When he stood in front of the door, he had to breathe in and out a few times before he finally mustered up the courage to knock on the door. He waited. There was no answer. He decided to knock again, but there was still no answer. So they must be in a meeting, Wooyoung thought. He felt at the door, but it was locked.

 

“Shit,” Wooyoung muttered. He really did not want to walk into the meeting room full of curious people. It would be best if he saw him alone, because he didn’t want anyone else to see he was handing in X-rays to the man who had kicked him off the team. Especially not with people like Hongjoong in the room. He debated for a little bit about what he should do. He could wait in the coffee room until he saw movement in the hallways that the meeting was over, or he could just go home. He felt that he became more nervous and even sweaty and he decided that waiting here wasn’t going to do him any good. Maybe it was the painkillers that resulted in him being on edge.

 

As he turned around to go back outside, he heard a voice behind him. “Wooyoung?” It was Seonghwa. “Hey man, what are you doing here?”

 

Wooyoung turned around and gave Seonghwa half a smile. He held up the packet of paper. “Here to turn in my X-ray scans. Have to hand it in to San personally,” Wooyoung said.

 

Seonghwa joined him in the hallway. “Really? That is a bother,” Seonghwa looked at him worried.

 

“Yeah… Well, I thought I might as well get it over with. Do you know if he’s here?”

 

“Yeah he’s here, we just got back from the shooting range. We got down and dirty, so everyone was taking a shower first. We’re having a meeting in a little bit,” Seonghwa said. From his damp hair it was clear that he had just taken a shower as well.

 

“Oh really? I was hoping I could see him alone. I don’t want an audience you know,” Wooyoung said.

 

Seonghwa looked at him curiously. “Yeah, I understand. Why don’t you go and see him now? I think he was the last to take a shower, if you go there now you’ll catch him before he starts the meeting,” Seonghwa said.

 

He suggested he should go to the locker room to meet San?

 

Seonghwa placed a hand on his shoulder. “Just go there, we’ve got a busy schedule so there won’t be another time to catch him,” Seonghwa pressured him on.

 

Wooyoung thought it was kind of a strange suggestion, but at the same time he didn’t want to wait any longer with handing in the X-rays. “I’ll tell the guys San will be right with us,” Seonghwa said.

 

“Okay, I’ll do that. Also, thanks for yesterday, it really helped,” Wooyoung mentioned.

 

Seonghwa smiled. “No problem, brother. If you need me, you can always call me. Never too late or too early.” There was something behind Seonghwa’s smile and he wasn’t sure what it was. He shrugged it off.

 

Wooyoung’s heart was racing as he walked down the corridor to the gym. He was scared, yet full of energy. Surprising San with his presence was not necessarily his intention, but it did give him a head start on how to respond to the situation. He rehearsed in his head what he was going to say. ‘Look how effective your human shield was’, ‘I hope Hongjoong can take a bullet or two before he breaks a rib and needs to be replaced as well’. He was bitter and he wanted San to know.

 

The gym was empty, which was quite normal on a Friday afternoon. He walked through the gym to get to the locker room, which was the quickest and easiest route. When he opened the door to the locker room he was met with a wall of steam that was coming from the showers. He realised that San probably couldn’t hear him coming in if he was standing under the showerhead and that he might even surprise him. As he walked past the benches and into the showers, he announced his presence.

 

“Commander…” Wooyoung’s voice ebbed away when he looked upon San’s back in the showers. San wasn’t alone. He was grinding up on someone, someone he had pressed into the wall who had his legs wrapped around his waist. San’s movements wavered. A face appeared over his shoulder.

 

“San stop!” Yeosang said. “Wooyoung is here.”

 

Everything seemed to be going in slow motion. He saw how Yeosang unwrapped his legs from San, landed on his feet and went to walk past him to find his clothes. San just stood there. He didn’t turn around, he only saw his shoulders rising and falling. Then he looked over his shoulder and their eyes met.

 

He didn’t know how he found his way out of the gym. Nor did he remember how he found the bathroom that was in the far back of the building. As he closed the door behind him and locked the door, he hunched over the toilet seat and puked his guts out. The heaving put so much pressure on his chest that sweat was pooling on his brow and he had to gasp for air. He went weak at the knees and fell down to the floor, barely holding on to the toilet seat to break his fall. As he closed his eyes, he saw the image of San grasping onto Yeosang and he heard the little noises Yeosang had made. He felt another wave of nausea come over him and he hunched over again, emptying his stomach. He was shaking all over his body as he was trying to gasp for air. His heart was going so fast he had to focus on calming down so he could breathe properly again. When he finally found a stable breathing pattern, the tears rolled down his face.

 

The paper report was crumbled in his left hand, smudged with sweat stains and tears. Through his tear-filled eyes he could see the creases he made in the copy of the X-ray and he tried to smoothen out the page.

 

What had he expected? Hadn’t it be clear from day one that Wooyoung was just another body? Just another toy for San to play with? He laughed almost hysterically when he realized how stupid he had been. There had been so many red flags from the beginning, but he had chosen to turn a blind eye to them. He shouldn’t be surprised that San would go to his next victim, the minute he had given up on him.

 

The pain in his chest had intensified ten-fold and he cursed. He had neglected himself. He had ruined himself. All that for a straight guy. He grabbed the toilet seat and tried to lift himself up. He grunted from the pain. He flushed the toilet and went to carefully sit on the toilet seat. Why did he ever think this could work out? Why had he been so incredibly stupid? Enough, he thought. No more.

 

He walked back through the corridor, his vision blurry. The wind that went past him sounded extremely loud in his ears and it zoned out all the other sounds. He had to speak to Yunho. He had enough of dealing with all this pain, that had been numbed only slightly since he became injured. He knew that Yunho had some extra morphine locked away in his cabinet. That morphine was going to be his.

 

The hallways seemed even more like a maze than usual, but eventually he found the first aid room in the right wing of the building. People that had walked past him looked at him worried, but he paid them no mind. When he opened the door to the first aid room, he noticed that Yunho wasn’t there. “Yunho!!” Wooyoung shouted through the room and into the hallway, but there was no answer.

 

Fuck. Now he had to go into that meeting room where all eyes would be on him. But he needed his pills. He needed to be numbed. He turned around and went back down the hallway to the front door of the station where the joint office was located. All the while going there, he rubbed in his eyes, trying to wipe away the tears. He probably looked horrible, his face white from the vomiting and his eyes red from the flowing tears. But it didn’t matter. He didn’t care anymore what the guys would think.

 

He burst through the door of their joint office and was surprised to find most of his colleagues still there. Mingi, Yunho and Seonghwa looked up at him in surprise. He quickly looked at Seonghwa, but seeing the knowing look on his face, he immediately averted his eyes. He walked over to Yunho with quick strides.

 

“Can I have some morphine?” He demanded with a small voice.

 

Yunho rolled back his chair slightly and looked at him bewildered. “What happened to you Wooyoung? Did you fall or something?” He went to stand up and reached his hands to his face. Wooyoung stepped back immediately.

 

“No!” He almost shouted to Yunho. Yunho dropped his hands in surprise. “No I didn’t fall, I just need morphine. The pain is too much,” he tried to calm himself down and talk slower and in a lower voice. He was literally shaking from all the energy that was going through his body and he had a hard time controlling himself not to burst into tears again.

 

“Wooyoung, I can’t just give you morphine like that. I need an official report from the hospital or I need to see your X-rays where I can see-” he was cut off short, because Wooyoung threw his packet of paper at Yunho’s feet.

 

“Here are the goddamn X-rays. But it’s not a surprise to you, Yunho. You already knew I had a broken rib,” Wooyoung sneered. He was behaving very unprofessional, but at this point he didn’t care anymore.

 

Yunho stared at him angrily. Mingi came over to them and kneeled down to pick up the packet of papers. “What’s going on Wooyoung? What are you acting up for?” Mingi asked surprised and he went to scan through the papers. His eye fell on the X-ray scan. He handed it over to Yunho, who took it from him roughly and scanned over them quickly.

 

“How have you been doing on the painkillers I’ve prescribed you?” Yunho asked sternly.

 

“I cannot sleep normally, if that’s what you’re asking. Haven’t had a good night’s sleep since the accident,” Wooyoung said. “Just give me the morphine.”

 

“I gave you those painkillers, because they are not that damaging and it manages the pain overall,” Yunho gave the papers back to Wooyoung. Wooyoung hit them out of his hands.

 

“GIVE ME THE GODDAMN MORPHINE, YUNHO.” The room fell silent. Wooyoung was breathing hard and he could feel the veins in his neck swelled up ** _._** He was surprised by his own rage, but looking at Yunho’s eyes he had seen that it worked. Seonghwa joined his side.

 

“Just give them Yunho, the guy is going through a tough period,” Seonghwa pleaded with Yunho. Wooyoung turned his head to look at Seonghwa in surprise. And that’s when he realized.

 

Seonghwa had known. Seonghwa had known that there was something going on between San and Yeosang. And he had told him to go to him, to see what he was doing. He had planned for Wooyoung to see it.

 

Seonghwa and Yunho exchanged looks and it seemed like Yunho was going to argue with him. Then he turned to open a drawer in his desk and he retrieved a keychain with keys from it. “I’ll give you only one strip. I want you to get an official doctor’s receipt from wherever you had that X-ray done. Only then will I be able to give you more,” he wagged a finger at Wooyoung. Wooyoung stepped back and let Yunho go past him.

 

Mingi looked at him surprised and then turned around to go back to his seat. “Let’s go to the meeting room shall we, Seonghwa?” Mingi retrieved some papers from his desk. Seonghwa turned around and went to his own desk. Wooyoung followed him.

 

“You knew,” Wooyoung said under his breath. “You fucking knew.”

 

Seonghwa turned around and side-eyed Wooyoung. “Yeah, I did. I thought you deserved to know,” Seonghwa said as he went to lean against his desk.

 

Wooyoung brought his hand up to his face and he noticed that he was trembling. “How long have you known?”

 

Seonghwa’s eyes followed his movements. “I suspected it for a longer while, but I wasn’t a 100% sure. I saw that Yeosang was being very touchy with San this week. I was wondering what was going on, since I already suspected you and San had a thing. That’s why I asked yesterday,” Seonghwa said under his breath. “You caught them kissing?”

 

Wooyoung lost it. He kicked against the bin that was next to Seonghwa’s desk and the content flew all across the room. “NO!” Wooyoung shouted. “What the fuck Wooyoung!” Mingi said from across the room, throwing his hands up. Wooyoung stepped closer to Seonghwa and brought his face close to his. “He was fucking him,” he whispered, so Mingi couldn’t hear. Seonghwa looked at him in disbelief.

 

Seonghwa went pale. “Shit,” was all that he said.

 

Wooyoung turned around. He could feel himself getting angrier and more upset. If Yunho wasn’t going to be here sooner he was going to throw a fit. “I’m going to Yunho, this is taking too goddamn long.”

 

As he turned around, Seonghwa tried to stop him and he grabbed his arm. “No, Wooyoung wait. Let’s go outside first,” he tried.

 

“When were you going to tell me Seonghwa? Why didn’t you tell me yesterday?” Wooyoung countered.

 

Seonghwa tried to search for words. “I didn’t know how to say it…”

 

Wooyoung shook his head. “So you thought this was the best way? You’re full of shit Seonghwa,” Wooyoung shrugged himself free from Seonghwa’s grip and he went for the door.

 

He basically ran through the hallway to get to the first aid room. For some reason there were a lot of people walking around in the corridors and he had to push people aside to get through. When he turned the corner to get to the first aid room, he saw that Yunho was talking with San. From a distance he could see that San was pleading with Yunho and he heard him say that Yunho shouldn’t give him the morphine.

 

“You piece of garbage,” Wooyoung said. Yunho turned around upon hearing his voice. San’s eyes went big when he saw him.

 

As he walked up to them San began speaking. “Wooyoung I… Please don’t take the morphine right now.”

 

Everything about San disgusted him. The way he stood there, trying to plead with Yunho to not give him his medicine. The look he had on his face, that just screamed he was guilty. And the way he looked at him without averting his eyes. When he reached San, he was unable to control himself any longer.

 

His fist met San’s face with a force that even surprised himself. San fell to the ground with a thud. He grabbed his face where he had hit him in surprise.

 

“First you fuck me over and now you’re trying to take my medicine from me?”

 

“What the fuck Wooyoung!? Why did you do that?” Yunho grabbed his arm, but Wooyoung pulled his arm free.

 

“Do not interfere, Yunho,” Wooyoung said angrily.

 

He turned back to San. “Your losing your control over me, so you decided to play it like this huh? To get a reaction out of me,” Wooyoung stepped forward to loom over San as he was trying to get back up. “You’re a sick individual, but you already know that, you told me so yourself.” San looked up to him and there was a defeated look on his face. He averted his eyes and stayed silent.

 

Wooyoung turned back to Yunho. “Give me the morphine,” Wooyoung demanded. Yunho scanned his face. “I said give me the goddamn morphine, Yunho,” Wooyoung raised his voice and held out his hand to Yunho.

 

Yunho sighed and he put his hand in his pocket. He retrieved a strip of pills and handed it over to Wooyoung.

 

“Thank you,” Wooyoung said, and he turned around to march out of the building.

 

 

 

 

It was now the fourth time that someone was ringing his door bell. It was annoying, but he didn’t want to open the door. He wanted to stay in bed and enjoy being high on drugs. He hadn’t felt this great in a while. The pain that he normally woke up and went to bed with was gone. He could move around freely and like on either of his sides without feeling discomfort. His mattress felt soft like a cloud and he was almost entering his first sleep when the doorbell rang yet again.

 

He somehow managed to get out of bed and walk to his front door. The little screen on his wall lighted up and he could see movement in front of the camera. Two heads of hair bobbed around on the screen and he recognized the mint hair colour of Mingi. He grunted. Why were they here at his place? He didn’t want to be bothered by anyone today. With reluctancy he pressed in the intercom.

 

“What are you guys doing here?”

 

He saw Mingi jump forward. “Wooyoung! Finally! Are you okay?”

 

“I’m okay. But what are you guys doing here?”

 

The other guy moved forward. “Open the door Wooyoung, we want to see how you’re doing,” he recognized Yunho’s voice.

 

“I can just tell you. I’m doing fine,” Wooyoung said. “I want to go back to bed.”

 

“Wait, Wooyoung. Wait! Just let us in for a second, we’ll only be there for a little bit,” Yunho pleaded.

 

Why were they being so pushy? He didn’t want to see them, how often did he have to tell them that? “Just go home, guys. I want to sleep.”

 

“How many pills did you take Wooyoung?”

 

“Why are you asking?”

 

“Just let us in Wooyoung, it’s cold out here and we just want to have a hot drink to warm up,” Mingi sounded desperate. “We’re not here to take your medicine from you. We just want to check you are doing okay on your own.”

 

Wooyoung sighed. San had send them. Would he ever get some peace and quiet from that guy? Unbothered to argue any further, he buzzed the door to let them in. “The code of the front door is 5481.”

 

Wooyoung walked back to his bedroom to find the strip of morphine. It was placed on his nightstand and it had three pills missing. He opened the drawer, lifted up some books and papers and placed the strip underneath it. He heard the front door open.

 

“Wooyoung, how are you doing brother,” Mingi walked up to him as he met him and Yunho in the hallway.

 

“I’m fine guys,” Wooyoung said. “What do you guys want to drink. I’m sorry if I’m not an amazing host tonight,” he said as he turned to walk towards the kitchen.

 

“Some hot tea would be nice, Wooyoung,” Yunho said.

 

“Give me some coffee, I still have to work tonight,” Mingi said as he followed him into the kitchen.

 

Wooyoung grabbed the kettle and went to boil some water. He then turned to the coffee machine to make a coffee for Mingi. “You only have sugar in it, right?” Wooyoung asked Mingi. Mingi nodded. He noticed that Yunho wasn’t in the kitchen.

 

Wooyoung placed a mug under the coffee machine and pressed on the button for black coffee. “Why are you guys here?” Wooyoung asked Mingi, leaning back against the counter.

 

Mingi scratched his head. “To check if you haven’t overdosed?” He sounded like he was just caught committing a crime.

 

Wooyoung threw up his hands. “Well obviously I haven’t?”

 

Mingi turned around. “Great, time to get going,” he began to laugh and turned back around. “No, I didn’t expect you to do stupid things. I know you too well for that.”

 

“Oh, do you now?” Wooyoung teased. He was mighty sure that Mingi didn’t know a lot about his private life. Neither did he know why San had send him to check on him.

 

Yunho entered the kitchen and walked straight to the sink. “Where did you go?” Wooyoung asked him.

 

“Oh I just had to go to the bathroom,” Yunho said as he went to wash his hands. Wooyoung knew all too well that he hadn’t been to the bathroom. “Is there tea yet?”

 

“Water is almost boiling,” Wooyoung said. “So you were checking to see if I overdosed?”

 

Yunho turned red and he looked pissed at Mingi who in his stead threw up his hands.

 

“What are the symptoms again? Vomiting, heavy breathing, seizures. I don’t know, do you need to check me?” Wooyoung walked towards him with his hands reaching out in a sarcastic manner.

 

Yunho sighed. “I can see you’re okay, I don’t need to check you further,” Yunho said through gritted teeth.

 

“Awesome,” Wooyoung said sarcastically. The kettle whistled and he went to make Yunho a cup of tea.

 

When they went to sit around his dinner table, Wooyoung asked the obvious. “So did San send you guys here?”

 

Mingi and Yunho exchanged looks. “I don’t know what has been going on between you two,” Mingi started. “But it doesn’t sound good.”

 

“Well for starters Mingi, he fucked me over and then he fucked me over again.”

 

“I don’t know about the whole leadership thing, but in regards to the morphine he does have a valid point. You shouldn’t take too much morphine, Wooyoung. It’s hard to get off of them,” Yunho said.

 

“I think it’s wiser if you just shut up, Yunho,” Wooyoung said annoyed.

 

Yunho scoffed at him, but Mingi just shook his head. “Whatever he did Wooyoung, don’t worry we’re here for you. He might have made Hongjoong leader for now, but when it comes down to it, you have been in this job for much longer than both of them. The experience you have under your belt is something they wish they’d have,” Mingi said. Mingi always tried to lift him up when he seemed down and somehow without knowing everything about his situation, he was always able to say something positive.

 

“We’ll see where it goes. I’m homebound for now, whether I want it or not. I’m not going to be at the job for at least another two weeks,” Wooyoung lied. After today he had already decided how he was going to play the game. And it wouldn’t be according to San’s rules.

 

“It’s what is best for now,” Yunho said and Mingi echoed him. They were so full of shit.

 

The guys drank their tea and coffee as fast as they could, struggling as the content was still scorching hot. When they both finished they placed down the mugs with force.

 

“Thanks for letting us in Wooyoung. We’re a team you know, we should look out for each other,” Mingi said, trying his best to justify this visit. “We should go now, let you have some sleep.”

 

Wooyoung stood up and picked up the mugs from the table and put them in the sink. “Thank you, guys. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of myself.”

 

The guys stood up and pushed their chairs in. They walked towards the front door and Wooyoung followed them. “Call us if you need us,” Yunho said as he opened the door.

 

“I’ll get a doctor’s receipt soon for the morphine,” Wooyoung announced. Yunho’s face turned sour. “Oh, and do you mind giving that X-ray scan that I gave you to San?” Yunho nodded slowly.

 

As he closed the door behind them, Wooyoung ran back to his bedroom. He opened his drawer and rummaged through it, throwing out the books that were inside of it. At the bottom he found the strip of morphine and he sighed with relief. There was some good left in the team after all.

 

 

 

 

Marksmanship training. In the military he had received several awards for his marksmanship, being applauded for his swift use of both rifles and guns. He was particularly good in the double use of rifles and guns, since he could switch between them at high speed. Reloading his gun seemed like a second nature to him and he never fidgeted with the ammunition attached to his belt. When he held his gun a calm came over him, that some liked to describe as the gun being an extension of his arm.

 

He had planned to show up at the range today. There was no one who could stop him anyway, all his equipment was in the back of his car ready to use whenever there was a call from the job. He had his bullet vest, his gun, his rifle, ammunition, his helmet, gloves, a tactical jacket and a tactical belt and there were some miscellaneous items that were meant for specific situations, such as a crow bar and a binocular. Knowing that there was equipment in the back of his car always gave him a secure feeling, not because it meant he could protect himself, but rather that he could help those out who could not protect themselves.

 

Showing up to the marksmanship test seemed more than logical to Wooyoung. Even though he wasn’t part of the team at the moment, he planned on returning back as soon as he could. If he wanted to do that, he couldn’t be behind on his tests, because that would further delay the process.  The marksmanship tests were twice a year and if you needed to redo them, it usually took a month before you could be rescheduled.

 

Besides, he now had half a strip of morphine. If he made any movements that put extra strain on his side, he wouldn’t feel it as much and would be able to push through it. If it was up to Wooyoung he could only see this as a win-win situation. He was going to show the guys that he was still part of the team and was coming back soon and even more important: he was going to show San he was the better player in this game of his.

 

As he drove up to the range, he noticed all the cars of his colleagues were already lined up. The range was in an area with a lot of mountains and it was a short walk from the parking lot to get to the grounds where they could freely shoot at targets. Being in between the mountains would help block the sound of the gunshots. The site was also off limits for civilians.

 

He jumped out of the car, feeling hyped that he was finally getting up to something after being pent up and miserable in his apartment. He opened the trunk and pulled of his sweater that he threw on the backseats. He got into his bullet vest, feeling the heavy pressing onto his chest instantly. He put his belt on and made sure to add ammunition. He attached the leg strap where his gun holster was attached to and placed his gun in it. Lastly he got on his jacket and put the rifle with the strap over his shoulder. He grabbed his helmet and shut the trunk.

 

Walking up to the range, he saw that the guys were already busy practicing some movements, but they were not shooting their guns yet. There were always several practice rounds in which the trainer joined on the field to help out and make additional comments. He saw that they were already using the new shields that he hadn’t seen yet or worked with. Seonghwa noticed him first and he walked up to him.

 

“Brave of you to show your face here,” he said.

 

Wooyoung shrugged his shoulders. “Might as well change the rules while we’re at it, right?”

 

Seonghwa shook his head and put a hand on his shoulder. Seonghwa had texted him several times that weekend. He had explained in long texts and voice messages why he hadn’t told him sooner, why he chose to do it this way and why he had regretted it immensely. Apparently he had had a conversation with Yeosang in which Yeosang had praised San until it had become weird. After that he paid attention to what he was doing and he confirmed to Wooyoung that it was only after Hongjoong’s arrival that Yeosang began to hit on San. He had caught them together in the kitchen, in which he saw that Yeosang had his hands wrapped around San, and just as he entered Yeosang let go of San and walked past him out the door. He had not expected that San had something of a more sexual nature going on with Yeosang and he admitted that he had simply been too naïve in this matter. He was so unaware of the nature of gay relationships that their little talk hadn’t really helped in that regard. He had apologized profusely to Wooyoung and he told him that he had all the best intentions with him. That he wanted to be there for his friend no matter what.

 

Wooyoung still felt iffy about it, but he had let it go, simply because he needed a friend right now. He walked with Seonghwa to the little house that was at the side of the range where they stored some of the equipment. His other colleagues had noticed him as well.

 

“Sorry, might I ask who you are?” the trainer walked up to him, not in an intrusive manner, it was clear from his outfit that he was part of the team.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I am probably not on the list. I couldn’t make it on this day at first, but plans changed so I could make it after all,” Wooyoung said with a fake smile. Seonghwa side-eyed him.

 

“Oh alright. Can I have your name so I can add you to the list?” the trainer went through the door of the little house to retrieve a map.

 

“Yes, that’s Jung Wooyoung,” Wooyoung answered politely.

 

“Alright, I have some equipment here that we’re going to use today,” the trainer put down the map and went to get a shield for him. As he handed it over he asked, “You got the new gun yet?”

 

Wooyoung shook his head. “Not yet, but I understood it’s just an upgrade from the last one.”

 

“Correct,” the trainer said. “Just make sure to use your own ammunition then.”

 

Wooyoung nodded and he turned around to join the team together with Seonghwa.

 

“I’m liking this façade. What has gotten into you?” Seonghwa asked jokingly. He saw that the team had gathered and they were walking up to them. San was to the side and even with his helmet on he could see that he had fire in his eyes.

 

“Morphine, my brother,” Wooyoung said under his breath as they joined the others.

 

“What are you doing here Wooyoung? There’s no point in you being here,” San said as he pushed back the visor of his helmet. His mouth was a straight line and the red and blue bruising was seen clearly on his left cheek.

 

“No point in me being here? But of course there is. There is a marksmanship test after all! I thought you always admired my marksmanship skills, San,” Wooyoung was teasing him and he knew he was being a dick. He had a right to be.

 

San approached him. “Go home Wooyoung, we can talk this out later. You cannot participate in a marksmanship test, you might break another rib,” San said under his breath.

 

“Wouldn’t that be even more convenient for you. More reason to put me off the team, hmm?” Wooyoung countered.

 

“Go home. I command you, as your commander,” San said through gritted teeth.

 

Wooyoung dropped his helmet and went to carefully raise his hands to grab San’s helmet. He removed the helmet from San’s head. “Why don’t you let those guys know why you are all bruised up here today? Don’t they deserve an explanation why their commander looks so terrible,” Wooyoung raised his voice and turned to the other guys.

 

There was a look of shame on San’s face. “It was just a little accident, we had an argument and he punched me. I’m fine with it,” he said, directed to the team as well.

 

“Tell them why I punched you. It’s a good story after all,” Wooyoung began to laugh. San turned his back to him. “Or do you want me to tell them?” Wooyoung went to stand close to San and looked straight into his eyes. If he punched him now, it wouldn’t come as a surprise. Looking into San’s eyes, he saw an inner battle taking place. He was surprised to see that his eyes were watery and they darted from his one eye to the other, a look that pierced into Wooyoung’s soul. Then he looked down.

 

“Fine, go ahead, do what you want. I hope you took enough morphine to deal with the pain,” San said as he threw his hands up. He leaned down to grab his helmet from Wooyoung’s hand and he saw him strutting away with a posture that screamed defeat. For a second he felt sorry for San. Then the memories came back and he was filled with rage and energy again.

 

The boys looked at him. No, they stared at him. Wooyoung’s eyes landed on Yeosang and he had never felt more disgusted. “What?” he shouted. The boys split and grabbed their equipment, going back to their posts. Wooyoung followed Seonghwa.

 

“So what are we doing?” Wooyoung asked.

 

“I thought San was heartless,” Seonghwa said. “You just humiliated the commander in front of his team.”

 

“What? You don’t think he deserved that?” Wooyoung asked, genuinely curious. He looked over his shoulder and he saw San sitting on a bench at the back of the field, his face buried in his hands.

 

“Oh no he deserved it,” Seonghwa said. “I just didn’t think you could be heartless too, Wooyoung.”

 

Wooyoung followed Seonghwa to the back of the range where there were several dummies lined up for them to shoot at. Jongho was loading his gun to start his practice rounds and he and Seonghwa joined him. Seonghwa explained that they were soon going to do their team practice. It involved the whole team having to work together as they bust down a building. In this practice, they had to follow after each other and make sure all angles and sides were being watched, so they could get a situation under control as soon as possible. The commander would lead the squad together with the leader in this case, giving the directions as he walked behind the team while the leader would walk in front and describing what he was doing.

 

They had practiced as a team many times before and almost all of them had been in the position as leader, for practice’ sake. Hongjoong would be leading the team today, something that he had already prepared himself for. After all, it didn’t matter what position Wooyoung had. He was successful in all of them.

 

The trainer called them together and he explained that there were going to be several tests as part of the marksmanship test that day. There were some individual tests, for which the trainer had brought some of his colleagues to observe these tests. There was one group test, which they often referred to as the team practice. They were going to start with the individual tests and at the end they would have the group test.

 

The individual tests were easy-peasy for Wooyoung. When he held his gun, he was focussed and even though he was aware of his surroundings, he knew exactly what he needed to zone out and what he needed to pay attention to. He was so glad he had taken in the morphine in time, because it was doing its job well. He could hear some cracking sounds now and then, but there was no pain. At the last individual test, Wooyoung start to get out of breath.

 

“Gather round,” the trainer called them. The team got together in the centre of the field. The trainer explained that it was now time for the group test. He explained that to the left side of the field they were setting up several obstacles that served as an imaginary building where a terrorist attack could take place. He explained briefly what the hypothetical situation would be and then told them that the rest was up to them. They were going to shoot with real bullets and had to aim at the dummies that were placed in several places. The trainer and his colleagues would be standing on an elevated platform, to the side of the field from where they could better assess the marksmanship and teamwork skills of the team.

 

“Get in position,” San’s voice sounded weird to him now. He knew he had to listen to him in this situation, but it was hard nonetheless. He grabbed onto his rifle, which helped him focus and get ready for the test. San shouted his first commands and the team was set into action. It was Wooyoung’s job to first follow Jongho, who was in front of him. Every movement he made, he had to mimic perfectly and when he aimed his rifle he would have to aim 45 degrees from that point. Every time Hongjoong screamed “CLEAR” the team continued to move past the big blocks that functioned as a brick wall. When they were past the wall, the team split and they were all moving to different sides to make sure the imaginary room they were in was being watched from all sides. They had to shout “CLEAR” in turns, before they could move on to the next room.

 

From his side he saw that San was near him and since he was so consumed in the test, he didn’t have a particularly reaction to him. He was just part of the team and there was nothing else that mattered now. When he heard the first shot, he felt adrenaline going through his body and he was eager to find the other ‘terrorist’.

 

He spotted the dummy behind a scaffolding that served as a wall. Wooyoung could just look behind it and he changed position to aim at it. San was a few meters in front of him. He could have waited, he could have made sure that San had noticed what he was doing. But San deserved a scare and he was confident in his skills.

 

He fired his first shot. Then his second. “CLEAR!” he shouted.

 

San had fallen to the ground. He twisted his head to the side and he looked to Wooyoung. Then he got back up and slowly continued to walk forward. Wooyoung followed his example.

 

More gunshots were heard. It became obvious that they arrived at the end of the imaginary building, which in some way resembled a shooting range. They had made it like that to assure the safety of the officers. Wooyoung scanned the different dummies and they were all bleeding fake blood.

 

San finished the test, shouting commands to gather the team and to officially end the test. When the signal was given, the guys unloaded their guns and swung the rifles on their back with a sigh of relief.

 

The trainers disappeared from the little tribune and the team walked off the field. As Wooyoung removed his helmet and joined them, he was roughly pulled back by a pair of hands.

 

“What the fuck was that?” San shouted. He hit Wooyoung’s helmet out of his hands and pulled the rifle from his shoulder. San swung the rifle across the field.   

 

“What did I scare you? Am I finally going to get a proper reaction out of you?” Wooyoung spit in his face. He did not expect what San did next.

 

San’s fist was flying through the air. He heard himself hit the ground, but he didn’t feel it. He couldn’t breathe, and everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want updates on my writing process, follow my twitter account @incarnato_


	8. WINQ: Warrant inquiry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pure angst. Let's go!

Wooyoung was gasping for air. He felt a hand grabbing at the collar of his shirt and he was lifted slightly from the ground. His head was spinning and his vision was blurry with black spots. But his hearing was perfectly clear.

 

“I don’t care how mad you are at me. You never open fire on one of your colleagues,” Wooyoung felt San breathing into his face and the black spots slowly faded to reveal San’s face. “Don’t you EVER shoot at your commander again,” he shouted at him, making his ears ring.

 

San pressed his body onto Wooyoung. He was still gasping for air as the wind had been knocked out of him. He tried to push San off of him, but he had no feeling in his arms.  

 

“JONGHO GET SAN OFF OF HIM,” in the distance Wooyoung could hear Seonghwa’s voice. It reminded him of where he was and what he was doing here, but he was still feeling disoriented. When his vision finally returned, he looked up into San’s blazing eyes that were bloodshot. He was then roughly pulled off of him.

 

Wooyoung could feel his arms again, but he had still trouble breathing and he grabbed at his neck.

 

“Wooyoung, are you okay?” Seonghwa appeared above him and he looked at him worried. “I… can’t breathe,” Wooyoung barely managed to say.

 

Seonghwa’s eyes went big. “Yunho, get over here, help me,” Seonghwa hollered at Yunho who then appeared above him. “He’s not breathing well, what should we do?” Seonghwa sounded panicked.

 

“We need to get his jacket and bullet vest off, the wind has been knocked out of him,” Yunho fidgeted with the zipper of Wooyoung’s jacket and he almost ripped his jacket open. “The bullet vest is putting pressure on his chest,” Yunho said while he pushed Wooyoung on his side and slid one of his arms out of the jacket. He pushed him on his other side and pulled the jacket of. The loud sound of Velcro fasteners ripping apart echoed in Wooyoung’s ears. “We need to put him in the recovery position to open up his chest so he can breathe better,” Yunho sounded calm and collected as he swung the now loose bullet vest over Wooyoung’s head and removed it from his body.

 

“Can you see if he’s hurt?” Seonghwa asked nervous.

 

“I don’t know yet. First he needs to breathe properly,” Yunho said as he continued to lie Wooyoung on his side in the proper recovery position ** _._** “Wooyoung, try to take long and deep breaths for me,” Yunho said. “Watch me,” Yunho pulled Wooyoung’s face towards him so he would look at him. He showed Wooyoung how to breathe properly and Wooyoung followed his example as best as he could. It felt like there was a brick placed on his chest and as a result his breathing was quick and shallow.

 

“Can you take care of him for a second?” Seonghwa asked Yunho. Wooyoung saw Yunho nod. Seonghwa disappeared from his line of sight.

 

“You want us to get rid of you San? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Wooyoung heard Seonghwa shout.

 

“He shot at me, Seonghwa. He stepped over the line,” San shouted back.

 

“Seonghwa, stop! Don’t make this worse,” Yeosang said. Wooyoung’s eyes darted over the field until he found the guys standing face to face in what looked like a standoff. “Look at me, Wooyoung, breathe,” Yunho turned his face to make him look at him.

 

“Guys, guys! Stop fighting, the trainers are right there, they can see us getting into a fight,” Jongho started.

 

“Are you okay, Wooyoung?” a face appeared next to Yunho. It was Hongjoong. “He will be alright, no worries. He just got the wind knocked out of him,” Yunho said in a reassuring manner, though Wooyoung didn’t notice the knowing look that Yunho and Hongjoong exchanged. Wooyoung found a normal breathing pattern again, even though he still felt the intense pressure on his chest.

 

“Get me up,” Wooyoung said as he tried to get up. There was no way that San was going to get away with this. He had no reason to hit him like that.

 

“No, stay right there Wooyoung,” Yunho said pushing him back down.

 

“You know who stepped over the line? You did San, you did! You call yourself a commander?” Seonghwa shouted.

 

“Yunho let me go,” Wooyoung pushed his arm aside and he tried to stand up again.

 

Both Yunho and Hongjoong pushed him back down. “Lie down Wooyoung, you can’t stand up right now, you’ll fall back on the ground right away,” Yunho said and then he redirected his voice to the guys. “Guys I want you to get off the field RIGHT NOW! Take San away from here, I need to inspect Wooyoung,” Yunho’s voice was loud and demanding. The others suddenly fell silent. When a medic ordered his commander to go away, you knew there was something up.   

 

“Is he okay?” Wooyoung heard San say.

 

“I said off the field, NOW!” Yunho shouted once again.

 

From the corner of his eye, Wooyoung saw how the guys struggled to drag San with them. “What happened? What did I do to him? Yunho tell me what is wrong?” San was shouting in his distance, but the voice was ebbing away as the other guys walked off the field to leave him, Yunho and Hongjoong alone.

 

“I’m alright Yunho, I’m breathing again,” Wooyoung tried, watching as the others left the field. “I know you are okay Wooyoung, I just need to check if everything is alright,” Yunho said as his hands went to his face. “Can you hold him down for me, Hongjoong?” Hongjoong grabbed onto his arm and pushed it down at his side. Yunho opened Wooyoung’s mouth and inspected it. Wooyoung cringed as he pulled on his jaw and pressed his fingers onto his teeth.

 

“No lose teeth, the blood is from a tooth through lip,” Yunho said. He was bleeding? Wooyoung hadn’t tasted or felt it until now. He licked over his lip and felt how swollen it was. “Do you feel dizzy or nauseous Wooyoung?” Yunho asked as he pulled each of his eyelids up and looked at them from different angles.

 

“I… I feel slightly dizzy yes,” Wooyoung said.

 

“You have a headache?”

 

“Yes,” Wooyoung said. Yunho looked up at Hongjoong and signed for him to let Wooyoung go.

 

“Lie him on his back,” Yunho said to Hongjoong. When Wooyoung lay on his back, he felt the pressure on his chest return. Yunho pulled up his shirt and he heard Hongjoong gasp.

 

“Holy fucking shit,” Hongjoong exclaimed and he brought his hands up to his mouth. Wooyoung looked at him in surprise. He saw how he became pale.

 

“Keep it together, Hongjoong,” Yunho said. The expression on Yunho’s face had changed. “Go sit behind him and push his shoulders down,” Yunho instructed Hongjoong. Hongjoong did as he was told, but his legs were shaking as he sat behind Wooyoung’s head. “I’m so sorry Wooyoung, but this is going to hurt,” he looked at Wooyoung and he had an apologetic look on his face.

 

Yunho pressed his hand on his wound and Wooyoung screamed. The curse words he uttered were foul and explicit. “There’s a lot of fluid that has been pooled around his broken rib,” Yunho said loudly, trying to make himself audible for Hongjoong while Wooyoung was still shouting. “I can’t feel anything entirely different besides that.”

 

“But what is that!?” Hongjoong said and he looked at the wound that had turned bright red in certain spots.

 

“Those are hematomas, they look horrible, but they are not that bad. They were caused by the force with which he hit the ground,” Yunho explained. “And I bet from all the other over exertive activities he has been up to lately.”

 

“God, I feel so bad for this guy,” Hongjoong said. Wooyoung’s screaming had turned into whimpering and the tears were pricking at his eyes.

 

“Yeah, you should feel sorry for him,” Yunho said and he sighed. He felt around at a few other places and then he pulled Wooyoung’s shirt back down. “You can let him go.”

 

Hongjoong let go of Wooyoung’s shoulders. Wooyoung saw how Hongjoong breathed in through his teeth and pushed his hair back with a shaking hand. “I never meant to fuck up this team, I have no idea what I have gotten myself into,” Hongjoong said.

 

“Oh it’s nothing that you could have prepared for or done anything about,” Yunho said. “Can you sit up Wooyoung?” Yunho asked Wooyoung.

 

“Yes, but you need to help me,” Wooyoung said with a shaky voice. Hongjoong slid his hands under Wooyoung’s armpits and pulled him upwards. The upright position hurt badly and he was grabbing at his wound for support.

 

“Can you move for a second? I need to inspect the back of his head,” Yunho said, moving around on his knees to sit behind Wooyoung. Hongjoong moved to Wooyoung’s side quickly.

 

“I’m sorry you got hurt Wooyoung,” Hongjoong said nervously. Wooyoung felt how Yunho weaved his hand through his hair and moved his head around.

 

“It’s got nothing to do with you Hongjoong, it’s just bad timing,” Wooyoung said through gritted teeth.

 

“Why is San mad at you?” Hongjoong asked carefully.

 

“I shot at a dummy past him,” Wooyoung said. “I think he thought that I was taking a risk. I know my aim is steady however.”

 

“There’s no wound on your head,” Yunho said. “Let’s get him up, shall we?” Yunho slid an arm under his armpit and Hongjoong did the same on his side. They pulled him up and Wooyoung dizzily stood on his feet. “You okay?” Yunho inquired. Wooyoung nodded slowly.

 

“I know that I took your spot as leader,” Hongjoong said. “I didn’t mean to do that.”

 

“Don’t apologize for that. San made that decision, not you,” Wooyoung said. He saw that Hongjoong was still pale. “Sorry you had to see that, Hongjoong. Trust me, it’s not a good representation of our team. We usually work very well together. San and I just got a temper,” he laughed, but cringed at the movement of his chest.

 

“And you both got a mind of your own. I should have known you wouldn’t listen to my advice,” Yunho said, still holding on to Wooyoung’s arm.

 

Wooyoung smiled a bright red smile. “Do you guys think that I completed the test successfully?”

The guys looked at him worriedly. They exchanged looks and both shook their head. They laughed with him.

 

 

 

 

When Wooyoung, Yunho and Hongjoong left the field to meet up with the others at the little house with all the equipment, tension could be felt in the air. The trainers inquired about their delay and Yunho went to explain that Wooyoung tripped over his feet and fell on his head. It was a lame excuse, but it helped Yunho to ask for their leave. He asked Hongjoong to join them to his car. Wooyoung tossed his car keys to Seonghwa, with which he suggested he should take his car. They were in the car driving back to the station before San could stop them.

 

At the station, Yunho demanded Wooyoung to follow him to the first aid room. Hongjoong said that he’d be waiting in the coffee room. The look on his face was telling to Wooyoung that he felt burdened by being part of this team and he didn’t want to be nosy about any of the internal problems. He let Yunho and Wooyoung have their privacy.

 

“Okay,” Yunho started as he went to sit down in his chair. “This can’t go on like this.”

 

“I’m sorry Yunho, I didn’t mean to fuck up the healing process, I just wanted to…” Wooyoung was cut off short.

 

“What? You just want what Wooyoung? I don’t think it really is about what you want Wooyoung, more about what you need right now. You know what you need and you aren’t doing it!” Yunho folded his arms firmly on his chest.

 

Wooyoung put up one finger. “One thing, Yunho. I just wanted to do this one thing, the marksmanship test, because I know that it will further delay my reintegration if I miss it,” Wooyoung tried to explain.

 

Yunho shook his head. “Stop talking about reintegration like it’s going to happen just like that,” he snapped with his fingers.

 

Wooyoung looked at him astonished. “Why are you saying that? I can reintegrate within the next month if things go well!” Wooyoung knew he was telling lies, but he wasn’t having it.

 

There was a knock on the door and they both looked at it. Yunho stood up to open the door. It was Seonghwa.

 

“Come on in Seonghwa, maybe you can talk some sense into this boy,” Yunho said frustrated.

 

Wooyoung leaned back in his chair annoyed and he sighed.

 

“Let him be Yunho. I know he’s being a dumbass, but he has been going through some stuff. San fucked him over more than once,” Seonghwa said who then went to sit on the bed that was opposite of Yunho’s desk.

 

Wooyoung looked at Seonghwa and carefully shook his head. He didn’t want anyone else to know about what had happened between San and him, about the relationship they had and how it all turned sour. Seonghwa gave a small nod, letting Wooyoung know that he wasn’t going to tell Yunho.

 

“Well I sure wonder what it is, because what San did today is very worrisome to me,” Yunho said as he sat back down into his chair.

 

“Yeah, what did he do exactly Wooyoung? I didn’t see it,” Seonghwa started talking in a serious manner.

 

Wooyoung sighed. “He got pissed at me for firing my rifle at him. I wasn’t shooting at him though, I was shooting at the dummy and I was making sure that San wasn’t in my shooting range,” Wooyoung said. “I think he got startled. He probably wanted to show who’s boss and so he confronted me and punched me in the face,” he touched his jaw. It was still sore.

 

“And you got knocked on your ass and got the full impact on your ribcage,” Yunho said. “He should’ve known what he was doing. Punching an injured man is wrong always, does he want to put you out of the job for even longer? Worse, make you unfit for work?”

 

“Don’t talk like that, Yunho,” Wooyoung said nervously. He didn’t even want to consider the possibility.

 

“I am thinking the same thing, Wooyoung. San is in a really dangerous territory, laying a hand on you,” Seonghwa said. He cleared his throat and looked directly at Wooyoung. “It is punishable.”

 

Wooyoung felt the weight of what Seonghwa was saying and he swallowed. “What are you saying, Seonghwa?”

 

“He’s saying that you can make a complaint Wooyoung,” Yunho said abruptly. Wooyoung turned his head to Yunho in surprise. “A complaint?” Wooyoung asked.

 

“San put a hand on you Wooyoung, that was out of line for him. He is the commander, he is there to lead us and to guarantee our safety,” Seonghwa said.

 

“If you make a complaint, San can be replaced with someone else. It won’t solve your rib problem, but it will make this team function more properly,” Yunho said. There was a hint of annoyance in Yunho’s comment that shocked Wooyoung. Had he felt like there was something wrong with their team and its commander for a longer while?

 

Wooyoung was in awe over what the guys were suggesting to him. Were they actually suggesting that he should get San removed from the team? Was that even possible? He was surprised at himself that he actually considered the possibility.

 

“Do you guys want me to make a complaint?” Wooyoung scoffed.

 

“If it helps you to finally rest and stay at home, then yes, Wooyoung. I noticed that San is a trigger for you and you haven’t listened to my advice to rest and heal. If it goes on like this, I’m fearing that it’ll become worse,” Yunho said matter-of-factly.   

 

Wooyoung looked at Seonghwa. Seonghwa just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. “You know how I think about it Wooyoung.”

 

Wooyoung was surprised by his colleagues’ opinions. Even though he was entertaining the idea of making a complaint about San, there was something deep inside of him that was telling him not to do so. San had hurt him in the worst way possible, but could he do the same to him?

 

“I want to talk to him first,” Wooyoung finally said.

 

“Talk to him later, I’ll bring you home first,” Seonghwa said. “Do you still need to check him here?” Seonghwa directed his question at Yunho.

 

Yunho went to adjust his shirt and rolled his chair back. “I have to remove fluid from his chest. He has pleural effusion, which means that fluid has been build up between his lung and chest cavity. I’m not sure if he already had it or that it happened due to the impact of the fall today. Either way, I have to drain it from his chest,” Yunho announced.

 

Seonghwa looked at Yunho alarmed. “Does it involve needles?” he asked.

 

“What else am I going to use to get beneath his ribcage?” Yunho went to open some of the drawers in the little cabinet next to his desk to retrieve a pair of gloves.  

 

Seonghwa scratched the back of his head. “Mind if I step out for a bit?”

 

“Go. And see if you can find that bastard,” Yunho said. Wooyoung was surprised to hear Yunho talk about their commander San like that.

 

Wooyoung wasn’t afraid of needles, but the thought of Yunho inserting a needle between his ribs resulted in shivers down his spine. “Is it going to hurt?” Wooyoung asked nervously.

 

Yunho went to open another drawer and retrieved a needle in a plastic bag from it. “Of course it’s going to sting, but you’ve had worse,” Yunho said coldly. That was harsh, Wooyoung thought, but at the same time he couldn’t deny what he said. After all, he had been pushing through the marksmanship test today with heavy gear pressing down on his chest and afterwards he was knocked to the ground. It had been bad enough to make him pass out for two seconds.

 

“Go on, go sit on the bed and please remove your shirt,” Yunho said. Wooyoung did as he was told and carefully sat down on the bed. He removed his shirt awkwardly, since he couldn’t really get his arms up in the air from the intense pain. Yunho saw and he helped him immediately. Yunho tossed the shirt on the bed and then he walked over to get a high table that could be adjusted in height.

 

Apparently it was used for certain purposes, for example by assisting the patient when they needed to have fluid drained from their ribcage. Yunho told Wooyoung to rest his arm on the table, so he would create room around his ribcage so Yunho could insert a needle more easily in his back. The fluid was more easily drained from his back, since the skin could be pierced in a more secure and easy way. However, it didn’t make for a pleasant sensation.

 

“Try to stay as still as possible. Inserting the needle will feel quite painful, but I cannot give you local anaesthesia, because you’re already so doped up on other stuff,” Yunho said, sounding slightly like he was belittling him. Yunho went to stand at his side, placed the syringe on the bed and carefully opened the package. He placed the needle, which was quite big, on the syringe and then went to bring the needle to Wooyoung’s back. Wooyoung gritted his teeth, preparing for the pain that was to come.

 

When the needle pierced his skin, he had to really clench his teeth so as not to scream. The pain was different from the constant pressure he had felt on his wound, this time it felt like a tiny sharp knife was digging its way into his chest. Tears started pricking at his eyes as he tried to bear the pain.

 

“The needle is in, now I just have to drain the liquid out,” Yunho said as he was fidgeting with the plunger to extract the liquid. “At least it’s clear liquid.”

 

Wooyoung refrained from saying something, he tried his best to contain himself as he bore the pain. “I am going to remove it now, this will really sting,” Yunho announced. He then went ahead to remove the needle from his back and Wooyoung couldn’t help but to grunt at the pain.

 

“Fuck that hurts Yunho, Christ,” Wooyoung exclaimed and he saw little stars before his eyes which resulted from the intense pain.  

 

Yunho presented the syringe in front of Wooyoung and he was looking at a tube filled with yellowish liquid. “That’s what came out of you,” Yunho said. “When that happens your breathing becomes worse and it can eventually result in worse symptoms, like an inflated lung or heart failure.” Yunho went to turn around and he walked to the bin where he got rid of the syringe. He opened a cabinet and retrieved a band-aid which he then went on to put on Wooyoung’s back where the needle had been inserted.

 

“Do you understand that it’s over now?” Yunho said. Wooyoung looked at him with glassy eyes. “You can’t keep doing this, Wooyoung. You really have to stay home now. Will you please promise me that?”

 

“I can’t promise that Yunho,” Wooyoung said. It was true, he knew how reckless he was. He had ignored both Yunho and the private clinic doctor his advice and went to participate in the marksmanship test. He had made that decision knowing the risks he was taking, but he did it anyway, because when it came to the job he didn’t accept failure.

 

“No that’s true, you can’t promise that,” Yunho sighed and he leaned back against his desk. He went to remove his gloves. “That’s why I will have to report you to the police department if I see you here again.”

 

“But you have no right to do that,” Wooyoung started. He was surprised by what Yunho just said. Was he really going to do that?

 

“I can do that, Wooyoung. I’m the doctor here. I need to take care of my patients,” Yunho said matter-of-factly.

 

Wooyoung buried his head in his hands, which caused a jolt to go through his body and he grunted from pain and frustration. “I will check on you, almost daily, to see how your healing process is going,” Yunho said, throwing the gloves in the bin. “I don’t think you quite understand what the state of your body is right now. I had to drain fluid from around your lung, goddammit. That means that you’re in dangerous territory now and that we have to be extra careful.”

 

Wooyoung just looked at him with a look of defeat and desperation. “I want you to return Wooyoung. And the only way that you’re going to be able to do that is by listening to me this time and stay at home to heal.”

 

It was over, Wooyoung realized. The hurt he felt in his chest, he could now feel in his heart and it weighed so heavy on him, that he wanted to crawl in a corner and make himself disappear. Yunho went to place the high table away and helped Wooyoung get of the bed. Yunho looked at him in a strange manner and Wooyoung thought that that was probably because all expression had left his face. There was nothing left to say.

 

There was a knock on the door. “Wooyoung, San is here. He wants to talk,” they could hear Seonghwa’s voice on the other side of the door. He sounded quite pressed.

 

Yunho looked at Wooyoung and he just shook his head. What else could go wrong after this? Wooyoung thought. While he was hurt already, he might as well get it over with. “Let him in,” Wooyoung said.

 

The door went open and he saw someone step in that apparently was San. He looked like someone else, because the look on his face was a look of despair and confusion. Wooyoung had went to sit down on the chair and Yunho had come over to him to help him back in his shirt.

 

“Is he okay, Yunho? What happened?” His voice was shrill and there was a sign of genuine concern in his voice.

 

“I had to drain his chest from fluid that had pooled around his lung,” Yunho explained calmly.

 

San’s eyes darted over Wooyoung’s chest and his eyes went big when he saw the hematomas all over his chest. Wooyoung carefully got back into his shirt with the help of Yunho and then leaned back, exhausted from the movement.

 

“Did I do that?” San asked with a tiny voice.

 

“Well you certainly took part in it,” Yunho said boldly and even Seonghwa was surprised by what Yunho said.

 

San’s eyes went from Yunho to Wooyoung and Wooyoung noticed the redness in San’s eyes. “I… Can I talk to him?” San said carefully. “Alone?”

 

Yunho looked at Wooyoung. Wooyoung nodded slowly. Yunho went to grab his things and together with Seonghwa, he left the room. Before Seonghwa closed the door, he said: “If you need me, just call.”

 

San looked at Seonghwa annoyed before he closed the door. Then his attention went back to Wooyoung.

 

“I didn’t mean to hit you Wooyoung,” San began.

 

“But you did.”

 

“I… I did, I was angry. I was so angry that you had opened fire on me in an open field, I acted on auto-pilot,” San looked him straight in the eye as he went to lean back against the sink.  

 

“I wasn’t aiming at you,” Wooyoung said shortly.

 

“You weren’t aiming at me?” San suddenly went to lean forward and pointed a finger at his chest. “I could hear the bullet whistling next to my ear!”

 

“I said, I wasn’t aiming at you,” Wooyoung could feel anger boiling in his chest. “Don’t you remember my marksmanship skills back in the military?” Wooyoung looked at him daringly as he kicked his feet forward and leaned back in his chair in a nonchalant manner. He cocked his head at San in a provoking manner. San stepped back, noticing the change in Wooyoung’s demeanour.

 

“You embarrassed me today,” San started with a small voice.

 

Wooyoung kicked back his feet under his chair and leaned over the desk towards San. “It’s what you deserved,” Wooyoung sneered.

 

San looked at him with a confused and hurt look. He seemed surprised at Wooyoung’s words. “You could have come to me personally. We could have talked it out without an audience. You shouldn’t have made the decision to join the marksmanship test on your own,” San started.

 

That was it. Wooyoung had enough of San’s bullshit and he stood up abruptly and walked over to him. He wagged his finger at him and brought his face closer to his. “Don’t you dare try to turn this on me San! You have the guts to tell me what to do, even now? Go to hell, you’re a pathetic excuse for a commander,” Wooyoung said, calming down mid-sentence and slowly backing away again as he saw the fire in San’s eyes reappear.

 

There was a silence, and Wooyoung felt it as he turned his back to San. “Shouldn’t we separate work from our private lives Wooyoung?”

 

The question brought great annoyance to Wooyoung and he sat back down in his chair with a sigh. “You are telling me this? The one who couldn’t separate it to begin with?”

 

“I have tried my best, Wooyoung,” San said with a sigh and his shoulders drooped. “But you have been making it awfully difficult for me.”

 

Wooyoung brought a hand to his forehead and he gritted his teeth so as not to explode. He looked up at San with an evil look. “You want me to hit you again? Because I will gladly do it.”

 

San went to approach him. “Do it, if that is what it will take.”

 

Wooyoung stood up, so he could look San straight into his eyes. “What do you mean?”

 

San’s mouth moved up into half a smile and then into a straight line again. His lower lip trembled when he spoke. “To forgive me.”

 

Wooyoung was on the verge to forgive him. The way San looked at him, did something to him that made his heart ache. There was so much remorse, yet Wooyoung contained himself to embrace San. He averted his eyes. “I cannot forgive you right now. The pain is too much.” Wooyoung turned around and paced away.

 

“I- I understand,” San stuttered. “I know it is too much to ask, but will you allow me to explain?”

 

“What other explanation is there than that you used me, San?” Wooyoung turned around to look at San with a look of disgust. “I get it alright. It was clear from the moment you removed me from the team. There was never a you and I, it had always just been you and you alone. I was just canon fodder, a convenience.”

 

“No, no that’s not true Wooyoung. You know that’s not true,” San said.

 

“I know that’s not true? How? How!?” Wooyoung threw up his hands. “When have you ever shown me real affection?”

 

“I have,” San tried. “I have Wooyoung.”

 

“Give me a break, man,” Wooyoung looked at San in a mocking manner. “You have shown the same affection to Yeosang.”

 

San’s eyes went big and he closed his mouth abruptly. “No, I have never shown any affection to Yeosang. Not like that.”

 

“Oh so you used him too?”

 

San was silent.

 

“Like I said, you only think about yourself. About your own desire and your lust for the unknown. I guess you just got bored of me that quickly, huh,” Wooyoung laughed. “I should have known not to get with a straight guy. Stupid me.”

 

San walked towards him and grabbed his hand. “Don’t say that, please. I’m not bored of you,” San begged.

 

Wooyoung pulled his hand free. “Don’t touch me,” he said through gritted teeth and he stared angrily into San’s eyes.

 

San was surprised by Wooyoung’s action and words and he stepped back again. The sadness that washed over his face was strong and Wooyoung noticed the effect he had on him. “Please, Wooyoung. Let me explain, for what it’s worth.”

 

Wooyoung debated for a second, if he wanted to listen to what San had to say. He realized that listening to San might explain why they weren’t compatible in the end and why their relationship was meant to fail. Maybe it would help him get over him faster. He sat back down in his chair with force and he folded his arms over his chest. San looked at him confused.

 

“Well? Go sit down and tell me whatever the fuck you have to say,” Wooyoung didn’t sound nice. He had no reason to sound nice.

 

San hesitated and then he went to sit down in Yunho’s chair. “I should have discussed with you that I was going to assign a new leader and have you off duty for now,” San started.

 

“You shouldn’t have lied to me and stabbed me in the back like that, yes, go on,” Wooyoung said in a petty manner.

 

San paused for a second, but he didn’t say anything about Wooyoung’s comment. “I made the decision for you, out of care for you. I have seen your body, Wooyoung. I know how bad it is and when there was news of the terrorist attack, I knew I had to take you in protection. I didn’t have a choice to do anything else.”

 

“Why do you still pretend like you had no choice, you had a choice San,” Wooyoung said frustrated.

 

“I didn’t Wooyoung!” San suddenly exclaimed. He noticed his own outburst and he buried his face in his hands. “I had no choice but to protect you! There was no time to explain it to you, to take the time and explain all the developments that had happened at the job since you had been away. There are more members in this team and I had to take them in protection too. If they had to look out for you in this period of constant threat, I would have put them at risk too, don’t you realise that Wooyoung?”

 

“I can take care of myself San,” Wooyoung said. “I have been doing this job for a little while longer than you, I know what I can take.”

 

“No Wooyoung, you don’t. Do you truly think that I wanted to sabotage you? I asked the private clinic about an opinion and they advised me to put you off-duty, which is expected of a good commander,” San countered. He sounded desperate. “I have been with my hands in my hair, I have barely had any sleep for the last week, constantly having to go to meetings and talking with the police department. I didn’t have time for us, I didn’t have time to tell you all of this. I know I made that mistake, I do.”

 

“But why didn’t you talk it through with me? You were with me, there was time,” Wooyoung said.

 

San let his head droop. Then he leaned over the table, his arms folded. “I… I didn’t want to ruin us. That night I tried to tell you. I really tried. I just couldn’t. You were crying for God’s sake,” San sounded pained. “I just wanted that night with you.”

 

“You knew I was going to respond in the way I did it?” Wooyoung asked.

 

“Of course. I know you Wooyoung.”

 

“So you are saying that you were meant to hurt me? That we were bound to fail to begin with?”

 

“I know you don’t believe me Wooyoung, but I wanted to beat the odds. I wanted to try and be with you – Even if I knew it was bound to fail.”

 

“Is that the reason why you ignored me in the beginning?”

 

“Yes. I tried to protect you.”

 

“Stop trying to protect me,” Wooyoung leaned forward and somehow their hands ended up touching each other. San looked up at him and there was a fire in his eyes. But it was a fire of desire. Wooyoung leaned back again. “It’s not working.”

 

San was caught of guard by the sudden touch and Wooyoung made use of it. “So you still haven’t given me an explanation yet.”

 

“I know it doesn’t make it right, but…” San started, but he was cut off short.

 

“No it’s clear to me why you fucked me over at the job. ‘You tried to protect me’, hmmm,” Wooyoung said in a sarcastic tone and he traced his fingers over his swollen cheek, “it’s a sad excuse, but fair enough.” Then he dropped his hands to the table and cocked his head at San. “But it doesn’t explain why you had to shove your dick in Yeosang, now does it?”

 

San swallowed hard. “I didn’t mean for you to see that,” San said softly.

 

“You didn’t mean…” Wooyoung’s mouth dropped open. “What does that mean!? Were you planning to two-time me?”

 

“No, I… No I hadn’t planned any of that,” San said. “I wasn’t two-timing you. I just thought we were over.”

 

“The minute we’re done you jump onto the next!?” Wooyoung almost shouted.

 

“I was frustrated! I was angry! I was miserable when you left me in the office that day and my brain was in overdrive trying to think of how I could fix this,” he pointed between the two of them. “And I wanted you, I craved you, from the moment you left me. I was so frustrated,” Wooyoung could sense the urgency in his voice. “The job was asking so much of me. It was too much and I needed relieve.”

 

Wooyoung shook his head. “Why Yeosang?”

 

“I don’t know, Wooyoung. He had shown interest in me before. He…” San paused for a second, averting his eyes and looking at his lap. “He started kissing me when the others had left.” Wooyoung could barely hear him.

 

Being reminded of how he had found San and Yeosang entangled in each other’s arms felt like a punch in his gut and hearing San tell him how they kissed made him nauseous. He covered his eyes with his hand, unable to bear the sight of San talking like that.

 

“Apparently not everyone had left,” Wooyoung managed to say.

 

“What, you’re talking about Seonghwa? The one who led you to me?” San scoffed. “It comes as no surprise to me that he needed to inform you right away.”

 

Wooyoung dropped the hand from his face enraged. “You know why he informed me? You know why? Because he knows and he cares. He knew you were bad for me, but he supported me nonetheless,” Wooyoung felt the anger building up inside of him again.

 

“Oh no, he did this all out of self-interest. I have noticed the way he looks at you and how often he is at your place, I’m not a fool Wooyoung,” San said. Wooyoung looked at San and then realized what he was saying.

 

“Why does it sound like you think Seonghwa and I have something going on together?” Wooyoung asked in disbelief.

 

San bit his lip. “Have you slept with him or not?” He commanded to know.

 

Wooyoung exploded. He jumped up from his chair slammed his fists on the table and brought his face close to San. “So what if I have?”   

 

San got a red face and he grinded his teeth together. He blinked with his eyes and looked at him in disbelief. “You’re saying you have?” The tiniest voice escaped his throat.

 

“Would it make you feel better? Make what you did less bad?” Wooyoung asked disheartened.

 

“So you haven’t? Or have you been with him in the past?” San asked.

 

Wooyoung stepped away, pacing the room. “If I had, would it make a difference? I don’t want to give you every detail of every man I have slept with in the past, okay?” Wooyoung groaned. “Gosh, why am I even going into this?”

 

“I want to know, Wooyoung. I need to know those things,” San tried to convince both himself and Wooyoung that he had reason to ask this.  

 

“I haven’t slept with him. Happy now?” Wooyoung couldn’t believe that San had the audacity to act in the way he did. He was surprised, but mostly he was disappointed. He had expected so much more from San, so much more. He had hoped that they could match, that his heart beat the same way for him. The tears stung at his eyes and he turned around, trying to compose himself so as not to burst in tears in front of San. He heard San sigh in relief, as if he had somewhere expected that the opposite had been the truth, and Wooyoung just broke.

 

He turned around with a tear rolling down his face. “Why is there no regret in your voice?”

 

San just stared at him, his face expressionless.

 

“Enough,” Wooyoung went for the door and opened it roughly. “I’ve had enough of your goddamn bullshit, you’re a fucking asshole for doing this to me,” the tears were already streaming down his face.

 

“No no no, wait Wooyoung, wait! I’m sorry, I lied, it’s not the truth,” San circled an arm around his waist and he pulled him towards him. “I’m full of regret, I cannot bear the regret I feel for doing this to you Wooyoung,” his voice tremored. “It kills me. IT KILLS ME.”

 

Wooyoung turned his face to look at San. There was a certain despair in his eyes that he could not understand. “Let me go, San. Let me go,” his voice was shaky.

 

“I know that I did wrong, so I changed my mind,” San said. He searched for Wooyoung’s hand. “Instead of losing you, I’d rather lose my job.”

 

Wooyoung stopped moving. He looked at San confused. “What do you mean?”

 

“I looked at the file you gave me. I saw the X-rays,” San said, his eyes darted from his one eye to the other. “I decided not to hand them in. I handed in false X-rays.”

 

“But how…”

 

“I… I bribed the doctor.”

 

Wooyoung was astonished. He was speechless and looked at San with glassy eyes. He hadn’t… He couldn’t have!

 

“But that’s illegal!” Wooyoung whispered.

 

San pulled Wooyoung back inside and Wooyoung let him. San peered into the hallway and then closed the door again.

 

“Why did you do this San?” Wooyoung was so surprised by the sudden reveal that San had done something illegal, and by the fact that he had done it for him, that for a moment his curiosity got the better of him and he let San explain himself.

 

This time, San was pacing the room. “I don’t know how to say this, because I’m so embarrassed by it,” Wooyoung noticed that San’s hands were shaking. He stopped to stand in front of Wooyoung. “I took this job, because I want to be in control. No, I need to be in control.”

 

Frankly, that didn’t come as a shock to Wooyoung. “Of course, a lot of people want to be in control of things, and my previous job was great for that really. I was able to figure out cases by using all the databases and all the sources and tools available,” San bit his lip. “But that’s not the control I wanted. I wanted to feel like I was being the only one in control, like no one could control me.” San started pacing again and he turned his back to Wooyoung. He looked at his fingernails, like he was inspecting them for dirt. “When I came here, I was in control of everyone, Wooyoung. I owned the team, I made sure the team functions, I made the important decisions. I was thriving.”

 

Wooyoung got a weird gut feeling. He didn’t know what it meant.

 

“When I saw you, I didn’t think that it was going to pose a problem. Yes, I liked you and I remembered you from the military and how I had desired you. I desired you still, but I figured that it had to be one or the other. You or the job. I chose the job,” San went to sit on the bed and he jiggled with his leg nervously. “Until you were shot.”

 

San’s eyes flashed towards him and his stare pierced through Wooyoung’s soul. He felt his heart started beating faster.

 

“I was confused. So confused. I knew I was losing control over the job, but you made me so excited by your perseverance and how you gave your all to finish the mission, that I wondered if it was possible. If I could have both. In truth, I didn’t really have a choice. I needed to have you, no matter what. How I was going to combine a relationship and work, I was going to figure out later,” San smiled nervously. “But I never figured it out. And then came the terrorist attack and I lost all control over the job. I tried to get the reins back in my hands and I knew I had to make sacrifices for that. I had to think about you as a partner and as a colleague and I just couldn’t figure it out. My brain was foggy and I made the best decision I thought I could make. By doing so I had gained back control over the job, but I knew I was going to lose control over you if I told you what I had done,” San sighed and his shoulders drooped. “I didn’t tell you, because I realized that I liked you. Telling you would mean that I’d lose you and I wasn’t ready for that.”

 

Wooyoung walked to the chair to sit down. His heart felt heavy.

 

“When you did find out, it seemed like I lost total control over everything. It was chaos. I acted like a maniac. I did stupid things,” the way San said it made it sound like he had done other things besides fucking Yeosang. “When I saw your face I regretted it immediately. Because when I saw your face I knew.”

 

Wooyoung looked up to San. His lips were trembling. “You knew what, San?” Wooyoung asked with a small voice.

 

“That I love you.”

 

Wooyoung felt the words deep inside of him and they filled him with confusion. He got overwhelmed with emotion and he buried his face in his hands to stop the tears from pouring out. “But how?”

 

He heard San walk over to him and he felt his hands being pulled away from his face. “I don’t know Wooyoung. I am still trying to figure it out.”

 

“But how can you say that, after what you did?” Wooyoung looked at him confused, tears pricking in his eyes and his heart still making jumps. San was squatted in front of him.

 

“I know it was wrong of me to use Yeosang. But he was just there to relieve the tension. There were no feelings involved,” San said. There were tears in his eyes as well. “I only have feelings for you.”

 

Wooyoung just couldn’t believe it. He wouldn’t believe it. “No. No,” he could only say.

 

San went to kneel before him. “I handed in fake X-rays, because I want you, Wooyoung. I know I am taking a risk, but I am willing to do that if it makes you happy. You can be back in two weeks like I promised.”

 

“You didn’t promise me anything, San,” Wooyoung sniffed.

 

“Yes I did, I said I would help you and I am doing that now,” San assured him. “I’m willing to do anything for you Wooyoung. I don’t care if I might lose my job. I want you, I need you,” he grabbed his hands tightly and looked up at him with a self-assured look.

 

Why was he doing this? Why was he saying this? Wooyoung was so confused and he didn’t know what to say. He felt like something had changed, but he wasn’t sure if it was for the better. San had done the unthinkable for him. He had put Wooyoung before his career and the weight of that pressed heavy on Wooyoung.  

 

The mixed emotions that washed over Wooyoung became too much. He pulled his right hand free from San’s tight grip and he slapped him across his face.

 

The sound echoed in the air and San dropped his head. Wooyoung brought his hand to face and he held his breath. Then he started sniffing again, realizing what he did.

 

San slowly lifted his head and looked up at Wooyoung like a puppy that had just been punished. “Let me have you Wooyoung,” it was like a final plea.

 

He was making a mistake and he knew he was. Something deep inside of him told him that it didn’t matter. He was broken already.

 

“They told me I should make a complaint about you.”

 

“Did they?”

 

“I am not going to do it. I am not going to hurt you like you hurt me,” he paused and then he pulled San closer to him. “But don’t you think I should?”

 

There was a hint of panic in San’s eyes. Then he spoke. “If it makes you happy, then you should.”

 

It wasn’t right, it didn’t feel right. None of this did. Wooyoung felt an ache in his chest and this time it wasn’t because of his wound. The words San had uttered still left an impression on Wooyoung and it was fucking with his head. San was willing to lie to the police department for him. A few days ago, it would have made him ecstatic. It would have been exactly what he wanted. But right now, he realized all the mistakes he had made. It became awfully clear in the reflections of San’s behaviour. It made Wooyoung sick to his stomach. He had to step away.

 

Wooyoung leaned back. It took every inch of his being to compose himself, wipe away his tears and pretend like nothing had happened. San saw that he was backing away.

 

“I have to go San, I can’t do this,” Wooyoung stood up and he walked to the door. He turned to have one last look at San who sat on the ground with eyes hollow and big.

 

Somehow, Wooyoung managed to hold back his tears. He wandered to the coffee room, where he hoped to find Seonghwa. Luckily he was there, seated in a chair as if he was waiting for Wooyoung to return. When he saw Wooyoung he stood up immediately.

 

“Did something bad happen?” Seonghwa asked. Wooyoung just shook his head and pressed his lips together. He knew if he’d say something, he’d burst into tears.

 

Seonghwa looked at him questioningly. It was clear that he worried about Wooyoung, but that he was surprised to see Wooyoung’s sudden change of demeanour. “Do you want me to take you home?” he asked to Wooyoung’s relief. Wooyoung nodded in agreement. He was glad that he did know what he needed.

 

When they were in the car and Seonghwa had finally driven onto the highway, Wooyoung let his tears flow free. Seonghwa looked at him worriedly, but he didn’t ask questions.

 

When he was home and crawled into his bed with a swollen face, he pulled his phone from his pocket and opened the message that he had gotten when he was still in the car.

 

“When you’re ready, I am here. I will wait for you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on twitter for updates: https://twitter.com/incarnato_


	9. DV: Domestic Violence

 

 

 

“Do you want some tea?” The woman walked over to a table that had a coffee machine on it and an assortment of wrapped cookies in a little basket. “Or maybe coffee? We have coffee too,” the woman smiled her brightest smile at Wooyoung.

 

“Tea’s alright,” Wooyoung answered as he slowly removed his jacket to put it on the coat rack ** _._** It was a typical gesture of psychologists, to make the patients feel at home right away. It wasn’t doing anything for Wooyoung, but he liked to play along with whatever game she was playing to make him feel more at ease.

 

“Alright,” she said as she turned around with two cups of tea in her hands which she placed on the little salon table. “You can pick out a flavour over there,” she pointed at the box that stood next to the coffee machine.

 

Wooyoung went to grab a bag of Earl Grey and then went to sit down on the low chair across from the woman. He was surprised to see that she was wearing her uniform. The typical police officer blue pants and white shirt, with badge and utility belt, although without a gun. She was a police psychologist and she worked at the police department to help policemen deal with trauma or PTSD received while on duty ** _._** She worked in-house and differed from the normal police officer only in that she wasn’t out on the street. However, police psychologists still had to study at the police academy and had to pass all the necessary test just like normal policemen.

 

The woman grabbed a binder and opened it to find Wooyoung’s file. “I see that you have been hit by a bullet to the bullet vest? Is that correct?” The woman asked.

 

“Uh yes, I’ve been hit once on my right side, luckily it did not pierce through the vest,” Wooyoung confirmed.

 

“I see, so how has your healing process been? Did you have to get surgery or have you been taking medication?” The woman inquired while scanning through his file.

 

“I didn’t need surgery. I was checked by our medical staff and I have badly bruised ribs. I’ve been taking painkillers to bring down the inflammation and to ease the pain. I’ve been told rest is the only treatment for bruised ribs,” it had now become much more easy for Wooyoung to tell this lie.  

 

The woman nodded as she listened to Wooyoung’s story. “Your body probably looks like Picasso has been painting on it, right?”

 

She wanted to make him feel comfortable, Wooyoung kept telling himself. “Something like that, yes.”

 

The woman smiled again and then she looked like she had forgotten something. “I’m sorry, I haven’t even introduced myself!” She closed the folder and then folded her hands over her lap. “So my name is Kim Yeonmi and I’m one of the police psychologists of the police department of Seoul. I have been working here for three years now, before that I worked for two years in Daegu. Even though my work is very similar to a psychologist, I differ from them in that I specialize in treating police men and women. I help them with any difficulties they have in their job and I try to guide them in the process of reintegration after having experienced psychological distress caused by the job,” she paused and tried to assess Wooyoung’s reaction. “I get a lot of different men and women in this room and for every one of them I don’t use the same treatment. Some will be fine with seeing me just once, others need a little bit more and want to see me maybe twice a month. But we can figure this out together. Do you know why you are here today?” There was that smile again.

 

“Yeah, I shot a man and it’s protocol to check on me,” Wooyoung said in a matter-of-fact manner.

 

“Exactly. It’s protocol to do this, but that doesn’t mean that it has to be very rigorous and strict. Basically, today is just to make an indication on how you have been doing and if there is anything we need to work on or that we can improve,” she tried to make it sound as casual as possible, but Wooyoung knew that she was going to ask some annoying questions later.

 

He had only been to the psychologist once. It was back in the army, when they had to be tested on their psychological strength and how well they would be able to handle moments of intense stress and anxiety. These moments would usually entail kidnapping and torture. South Koreans were always afraid of the potential of North Korean kidnappers.

 

“If there is anything that you think is difficult or annoying about this process, please feel free to stop me and tell me,” she said reassuringly. “I want this to be an open conversation between you and me that we can both benefit from. Oh! And it is good to know that what you say here will stay between you and me. I will make a file and it will only be send to your commander or police chef when we have your approval. I will make a different report that will have basic information about your process and status of reintegration.”

 

It was nice to know that not everything he said here would be spread throughout the police department. He knew that there was a limited amount of privacy when it came to being a police officer of the Special Operations Unit, but it would really suck if they got to hear how well or not well he had been doing under the weight of having killed a man.

 

“Do you have any questions regarding that or anything else right now?” Yeonmi asked.

 

Wooyoung shook his head.

 

“Alright. If you do have any questions later on, please do not hesitate to ask them,” she grabbed the binder again and opened it to find Wooyoung’s file. She pulled out a paper and then went to write something on it. “Okay. Is it alright if we go through the events of that day together?”

 

Wooyoung felt his stomach twitch a bit in response to her question. Go through the day together… Of course he had anticipated the question, but he realised only now what it entailed. He had to tell her every little detail of the day he had shot a man and killed him.

 

“Yes sure,” Wooyoung said hesitant.

 

“Can you tell me what kind of mission you were on that day?” Yeonmi started by putting on a serious face.

 

“We were on a big mission to track and find a warehouse full of firearms and the man that had put them there. My commander Choi San had investigated the man prior to becoming our squad’s commander, so he had prepared the mission quite well. We were told that we were dealing with a dangerous man, since he was in possession of so many firearms and knew how to handle them as well,” Wooyoung said.

 

“What were some of the objectives of the mission?”

 

“We were going to bust the warehouse with two separate squads of Seoul, since there were two suspects who were going to be in the warehouse. Our commander was going to guide the squad through earphones from a van where they could trace the suspects with the use of thermal imaging camera’s. I was appointed leader for this mission and I would lead the men into the building. Considering the danger the suspects posed, we had permission to shoot from the police department,” the events of the day slowly came back to Wooyoung.

 

“So you were told prior to the mission that you had permission to shoot. Were you prepared to fire your gun that day?” Yeonmi asked it like it was a serious question. Wooyoung couldn’t help but laugh.

 

“If I was prepared to fire my gun? …I’m always prepared to shoot my gun. It’s my job,” Wooyoung said kind of annoyed. What sort of stupid question was that?

 

“Have you shot your gun at someone before?” Yeonmi asked, not phased by Wooyoung’s laughter.

 

“Yes, multiple times. A few times where I hit a man in his legs,” Wooyoung said.

 

“For this mission you didn’t shoot in the legs. Can you tell me what happened as you went on the mission and entered the building?”

 

“Sure. So we were in formation a few buildings behind the warehouse and I lead the men to the backdoor of the warehouse. Jongho, our colleague who is our expert in explosives, went to place the explosives on the door. When they went off, I was the first to enter the building with my colleagues Mingi and Park Seonghwa right behind me. Our suspect saw us and ran away from us, leading us to a storage room in the back. It was a bit of a struggle to get close to him there, but when I finally did I saw his gun first before I saw him.”

  

“What were you thinking in that moment?” Yeonmi asked.

 

“Nothing. Well only that I was in danger and that my colleagues were in danger. There was only one thing I could do,” Wooyoung said.

 

“What was that?”

 

“To shoot him.”

 

“Did you at any moment hesitate?” Yeonmi asked curious.

 

“No, there was no time to think about that. And to your next question, no there was no room to shoot at his legs or anywhere else than his chest. He was so close to me, I could only shoot at his torso,” Wooyoung was slightly out of breath. He moved forward and grabbed the cup of tea and took a sip.  

 

“Do you remember how many times you shot him?” She brought her pen closer to her paper.

 

“Twice, in his chest and in his neck,” Wooyoung pointed at the areas, just like he had done when the inspectors had asked him that question.

 

“What did you do initially when it happened?” Yeonmi asked curious after jotting down something on her paper.

 

“I was looking if I could help the suspect somehow, give him first-aid. But I noticed quick enough that I had shot him in the jugular vein, because blood was spraying out of him from his neck,” it sounded so much more horrific when he had to retell it. In the moment, he had not been that bothered by the blood. “Mingi, my colleague, pulled me off of him to inquire after me. He had seen me get hit, I just didn’t feel it yet at that moment because of the adrenalin.”

 

“So you didn’t feel any pain at that moment, because of the adrenalin,” Yeonmi reiterated his words and she started to furrow her brows. “How did that adrenalin make you feel?” 

 

Wooyoung thought the question was kind of odd. Adrenalin was a surge of energy, that you felt throughout your body, from the top of your head to the tip of your toe. It could feel like your muscles were contracting all at once, but of course it also kind of felt exhilarating _._ “I don’t know how it made me feel. I was just very focused on the suspect and what he was going through, that I didn’t really focus on myself,” he paused and then decided to add, “I guess I did feel kind of ecstatic, like I could take on the world.”

 

“Was this a pleasant feeling?”

 

The question was one Wooyoung couldn’t answer. “I don’t know.”

 

“When did you realize that you had injured the man beyond repair? That he was going to die?” Yeonmi had scribbled something down, then changed position and crossed her legs.

 

“Pretty soon. The neck shot was clearly going to be fatal,” Wooyoung answered.

 

“How did it make you feel that there was nothing you could do for the man anymore and that he was dying?” Yeonmi asked it like there was a routine answer to that question.

 

But Wooyoung’s answer wasn’t routine. “It didn’t make me feel anything. There was nothing I could do, so I didn’t feel any specific way after that, I just accepted it.”

 

“After the incident, have you talked with your colleagues about what happened? Did they ask you how you felt?”

 

“We talked, but they knew it could have been them who had shot the man. I was the one who had to do it this time, because I was made leader in this case. In effect, the event is something like a shared burden, so we don’t have to tell each other how we feel about it, we just know,” Wooyoung said.

 

“So you mean to say that you think all your colleagues feel the same way about the incident as you?” Yeonmi asked, cocking her head to the side.

 

“I don’t think that, I know.”

 

She scribbled something down on her paper again. “Does your commander talk things through with the team afterwards? To see if everyone is doing alright?”

 

“Of course he does, he checks before and after,” Wooyoung said annoyed, like it wasn’t one of the most basic tasks of a commander to take care of his inferiors.

 

“So he talked everything through with you as well?” The question was somewhat unexpected. He thought back to the day of the event and the days leading up to it. The only thing he could remember was that San had put all his trust in him, praising him for his marksmanship skills.

 

“Sort of, I don’t remember very well,” Wooyoung admitted.

 

“Why do you think he appointed you as leader that day?” Yeonmi was asking the difficult questions and Wooyoung realized that his heart was starting to pound faster. What was she alluding to?

 

“He told me that he had admired my professional behaviour during missions and that he remembered my great marksmanship skills from the army,” Wooyoung said and he realized what this was leading up to. “He had put his trust in me, because he knew I was reliable in those fields.”

 

Yeonmi looked at him and waited for him to realize it himself. He placed down the tea on the table and brought a shaky hand up to his face. He rubbed his forehead. San had appointed him as leader, because he needed someone who could shoot his rifle without hesitation. San’s goal was to have the suspect killed. No one else but Wooyoung could finish the mission in the way San had wanted.

 

“He made me leader, because I could do the job…” Wooyoung’s voice got smaller.

 

“Did he ever mention to you that it was most likely the suspect was going to be killed?” Yeonmi tried to sound nicer, like she wasn’t judging him for only realizing now what had happened.

 

“No, he didn’t,” Wooyoung sighed. “But I should’ve known that that was what he was actually saying when he complimented my marksmanship skills,” Wooyoung was mad at himself. He had done it again, he had let him be fooled by San once again. How could he be so dumb, to fall in his traps every god damn time? He should’ve clocked him after the conversation they had on the day of the marksmanship test. Telling him he loved him… It had been the easiest way to play with his heart and he had fallen for it. He was a fool.

 

“How is your relation with your commander?” Yeonmi asked out of the blue. Wooyoung was caught of guard.

 

“What do you mean!?” For a second he thought that she actually knew he and San were in an intimate relationship.

 

“I mean to ask how you two work together as members of the Seoul squad?”

 

Wooyoung shakily grabbed his cup of tea to hide his embarrassment. Of course she didn’t know, she was asking about something else. Wooyoung took a sip of his tea and furrowed his brow. Why did she actually have an effect on him? He thought that he was going into this knowing that they were just going to have a casual conversation about the event and how he was doing. They would be done within an hour or two, both of them leaving with a smile on their face. But he had been wrong before.

 

“We work together just fine. We knew each other already from our time in the army, so we got along already,” Wooyoung said.

 

“Was it strange for you that he now became your superior?” Yeonmi asked.

 

“It didn’t feel like that, it just felt like he had become my colleague and nothing more,” Wooyoung said.

 

“Why did you take on the leader position so easily?” why did she make it sound like he had taken on the leadership without thinking about it? Wooyoung paused and then he realised that it was because he really didn’t have to think about it when San had asked. Because it was San that asked and he wanted to impress him.

 

“Because I was asked by my commander and I couldn’t say no to him,” Wooyoung said hesitant.

 

“Did you feel accomplished after you did what your commander had commanded you to do?” Yeonmi asked while she narrowed her eyes.

 

Wooyoung shook his head. “It’s not like that,” he said, surprised by her comment. “I wasn’t trying to please him by completing the mission.”

 

“Then what motivated you to shoot the man in that exact moment? What was going through your mind, what did you feel?”

 

Wooyoung sighed. “There was no motivation. There were no thoughts. The man was just there, in my face, and it seemed like the most logical thing to do. I did it, because it felt like the most natural thing to do.”

 

 

 

 

Going to the psychologist had been a mistake. There was a part of Wooyoung that no one had touched, even though some had come close. Today, his psychologist had come close. He also realized that San had come close once and remembering this weighed heavy on Wooyoung. He didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to feel the feelings he felt today and had once felt before. It was a part of him that he had ignored for the better part of his life, stuffed away in the back of his mind so he didn’t have to deal with it. Yeonmi had lightly touched upon that deep, hidden part of him today and it messed with his mind. He left the building with a pounding headache. He wanted to stop himself from thinking and from feeling, so when he got home he immediately went to grab his painkillers.

 

The painkillers slowed him down, made him kind of drowsy and lazy and he slouched on the couch watching a random sit-com. When the doorbell rang, he only half heard it. After the second time, he realized he needed to stand up and go the door to see who was there. In the intercom he saw Seonghwa’s face.

 

“Come on up,” Wooyoung said sleepily.

 

When Seonghwa arrived at his door, he didn’t expect that Seonghwa was going to hug him. He was taking aback by it, that he kind of froze up, holding his arms stiff to the side.

 

“I just thought that you needed that,” Seonghwa said as he let go slowly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come by yesterday.”

 

“That’s okay,” Wooyoung said as he went to close the door. He didn’t really know what to say to Seonghwa. The hug took him off guard and he remembered again that he had cried all the way in their car ride home. Was he concerned about him?

 

“Did you eat today?” Wooyoung inquires.

 

Seonghwa looked at him in an apologetic manner. “I had breakfast?”

 

“Come on into the kitchen, I’ll make you something,” Wooyoung said and he walked towards the kitchen. He opened up some cabinets and looked for the ingredients to make kimchi soup with noodles. Seonghwa went to sit at the dinner table, watching Wooyoung’s every move.

 

“So what happened?” Seonghwa asked.

 

Wooyoung was putting a pan on the stove with water and he turned on the heat. He tossed in some ingredients and then turned around to Seonghwa. “He has anger issues, I don’t know. He spouted a lot of nonsense, trying to justify his actions. It became awfully clear that he and I aren’t supposed to be together,” it was hard for Wooyoung to say.

 

“But what… Why did you have to cry? You made me worried,” Seonghwa said awkwardly.

 

Wooyoung sighed. “It’s too much. All of this,” he threw his hands up in the air and brushed over his side. “I am exhausted and San keeps feeding me lies. I mean I don’t know if I should believe him…”

 

“What did he say?” Seonghwa stood up and he approached Wooyoung.

 

Wooyoung panicked. “He said a bunch of things. That he had done all of this for me, that he wanted to protect me. That he had every good intention with me, even if it did not seem like that.”

 

Seonghwa shook his head. “But that is bullshit. Did he explain why he hooked up with Yeosang?”

 

“He said he was frustrated, that he thought we were over and that he was so busy with work that he needed relief,” Wooyoung knew how stupid that sounded.

 

Seonghwa looked at him in disbelief. “What kind of a dickhead excuse is that? Was that all he had to say? Does he not care about you at all?” Seonghwa was genuinely angry.

 

Wooyoung turned around to stir in the pan. “He… He said something else as well.”

 

“What?” Seonghwa looked at him curiously.

 

Wooyoung felt his cheeks turn red. “He thought… That you and I… That we had been together.”

 

Seonghwa scoffed. “When!? How!?” From the corner of his eyes he could see the surprise on Seonghwa’s face and at the same time the hint of disgust. He probably was disgusted by the idea of them sleeping together. It didn’t really matter, but still it kind of hurt Wooyoung that Seonghwa had such a strong reaction to the idea of them being together.

 

“I know, it’s ridiculous, but he thought it strange that you came over to my place so often,” Wooyoung said, trying to sound casual.

 

“So? We’re brothers what does that matter,” Seonghwa said. “So has he ever asked you or did he just assume?”

 

“He asked once and I told him we hadn’t, but he thought that it might have happened in the past before he came here,” Wooyoung said. “So he assumed.”

 

“And that is his pathetic excuse for fucking Yeosang?” Seonghwa leaned against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest.

 

“Yes,” Wooyoung said with a sigh.

 

“So I really hope that you are going to make a complaint about him,” Seonghwa said as Wooyoung was breaking a packet of noodles in the soup.

 

“I’m not going to do that,” Wooyoung said stoically.

 

“Why not?” Seonghwa asked. “Besides what he did to you in your private lives, he punched you in the face while you were still injured. There is no way that can be justified.”

 

It couldn’t be justified. But after the conversation that he and San had had and the things San had said to him, he wasn’t sure if he could justify it if he would report San. Not if what he had said to him was the truth. Not if he had risked his police career, just for him.

 

“I’m not going to do to him what he did to me,” Wooyoung said calmly.

 

Seonghwa stepped closer to him. “Are you saying you’re going to give him another chance?”

 

The question was something Wooyoung hadn’t thought about. He just remembered how San had told him to report him if that was what would make him happy. And it wouldn’t make him happy, not in the slightest. “No, I don’t know,” Wooyoung said, realizing that he had still not written off San completely. “I just need to talk to him again. He hasn’t explained everything.”

 

“I don’t think that’s true Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said. “He has already said everything and what he said was horrible and disappointing. Whatever he says now won’t make it better. When will you stop hurting yourself Wooyoung? Don’t you understand that it will only get worse?”

 

Why was he giving San another chance? It was only yesterday that he had decided never to return to San ever again. The way he had made him feel after the marksmanship test had messed with his feelings so much that he had ended up balling his eyes out. The stark contrast between San hurting him and loving him fucked with his mind so much, that he wasn’t sure how to differentiate between them anymore. Was San doing something to hurt him or did he do it because he loved him?

 

He had wanted to believe it when he told him he loved him. But he realized this morning after his talk with the psychologist that it could all be part of a scheme, a long con that San had pulled on him since the moment he met him in the army. It brought him back to the times when he was still young and he had met San in a much different situation then they were in now. It wasn’t that he thought that he and San had something to resolve between the two of them, but he just needed to know why San was feeding him these lies, why he did to him the things he did.

 

Still, in the back of his mind Wooyoung couldn’t shrug of the possibility that San wasn’t just telling lies. What if he did really love him?

 

“It doesn’t matter if he hurts me more, it can’t get worse than this,” Wooyoung said.

 

Seonghwa put a hand on his shoulder. “It can Wooyoung, and I won’t allow that to happen. I don’t want to see my friend become miserable or lose his most favourite thing in the world,” it was clear that Seonghwa was referring to his job at the Special Operations Unit. “I know you feel something for him Wooyoung, but it’s not worth it.”

 

Did he know how he felt about San? It was even difficult for Wooyoung himself to understand what he felt for San. Everything felt counterintuitive with him and it had never been entirely clear why he wanted to be with him. But that was the strange thing about it, he never had to think about it. Just like becoming a police officer, being with San came naturally to him.

 

“Why do you want me to report him Seonghwa? Besides mistreating me, what do you have against him as a commander?” Wooyoung asked.

 

“I don’t trust him. What he did to you is unjustifiable, its literally ridiculous what he did to you on the work floor and I don’t trust him to not do the same to one of us,” Seonghwa said. “If you don’t report him, I’m seriously considering doing it myself.”

 

Wooyoung dropped the wooden spoon in the pan. “No, Seonghwa. Please don’t do that. If anyone should do that it should be me. Like I said, I have to talk to him, I need to know his true motivations before I can make a proper judgment and I can justify it to myself to go to the police department.”

 

“Wooyoung, listen! It is not right for a police officer to act in the way he did! I know you don’t want to take away his career, but a man like that should not be in the position he is in. He cannot be trusted,” Seonghwa raised his voice. Wooyoung had realized this as well, but he couldn’t deny the hesitation he felt towards the idea of reporting San. There was something deep inside of Wooyoung that told him it was wrong to do so and even though common sense was telling him to listen to Seonghwa, he still couldn’t do it.

 

“Let’s just eat, shall we?” Wooyoung didn’t want to argue with Seonghwa. He knew he meant well and he knew that he was right. He just couldn’t tell him why he wouldn’t do it. The tears were already pricking at his eyes again when he remembered the intense conversation he and San had had and how conflicted it had made Wooyoung feel.

 

Seonghwa sighed and he went to rummage through the cabinets. He grabbed two bowls and placed them on the countertop. “I’ll give you time,” he said in a low voice. It was everything Wooyoung needed right now. Seonghwa realised that this wasn’t an issue he could just resolve in one day.

 

When they sat down at the dinner table, Wooyoung went to inquire after Seonghwa’s day. There had been more trainings, some related directly to the terrorist attacks, others not. He told him they had been training with the police dogs, something they didn’t do often because it wasn’t necessarily a part of the Special Operations Unit. The dog trainer had explained that sometimes it would help them on the scene to spot other explosives or potential terrorists. There would be special police officers who handles the dogs and they had been informed that they were going to work closely together with the Seoul squad. Another training with these officers was planned for the next day.

 

When they nearly finished their soup, the doorbell rang. “Who’s that?” Seonghwa asked.

 

“I think it’s Yunho,” Wooyoung said as he went to stand up. “He’s here to drain my chest.”

 

Seonghwa looked at him in shock and he lowered his chopsticks. “Oh,” was the only thing he said and Wooyoung left him behind with a rigid face.

 

Wooyoung pressed the intercom to let Yunho into the building. He opened the door and saw how Yunho was walking up the stairs with a suitcase. He walked through the door with a look that could kill.

 

“I’m done Wooyoung, I’m done,” Yunho said as he entered his apartment. “I’m really at a loss for words this time. Were you in on this?”

 

It was clear that he was angry. “Come on in Yunho,” Wooyoung said pressed as he went to lead Yunho to the kitchen. “Seonghwa is here as well,” he said nervously, anticipating the bomb that Yunho was about to drop on him.

 

Yunho walked into the kitchen and saw Seonghwa seated at the dinner table. He sighed and dropped his suitcase on the table. “Oh, it’s good that you’re here, because we really need to talk about him,” Yunho pointed at Wooyoung in an aggressive manner. “To no one’s surprise he has done it again!” He said in a sarcastic tone.

 

“What have I done?” Wooyoung asked taken aback.

 

Yunho opened up his suitcase and retrieved the equipment he needed to drain his chest cavity from any of the build up liquid. “I’m going to treat you first. Then we’ll talk,” Yunho said harshly, slamming the suitcase shut. Seonghwa looked at him in surprise and Yunho noticed. “Can you get two pillows from Wooyoung’s bedroom?” he asked in a serious manner. Seonghwa stood up abruptly and did as he was told.

 

Wooyoung turned to face Seonghwa. “Why are you mad Yunho?”

 

Yunho side-eyed him as he went to put on his gloves. He struggled with them and blew air in them to put them on quicker. “I cannot believe that you and San are both in this,” he almost spit the words out. “What did you say to him?”

 

Wooyoung was gobsmacked. Did San tell him about the fake X-rays?

 

“Yunho I…” Wooyoung started, but he was cut off short. “Just take your shirt off and let me see your wound,” he said through gritted teeth, just as Seonghwa was returning with two pillows.

 

Wooyoung felt his body stiffen as he realized that Yunho knew. What did San exactly tell him? Why had he informed him to begin with? He struggled to pull his shirt off, knowing that Yunho was seething with anger because of whatever San had told him. Had he told him to play along with this lie of theirs?

 

Wooyoung had never felt more naked before as Yunho laid his gloved hands on his body and Seonghwa stared at him in confusion from across the dinner table with two pillows in his hands. “You want to enlighten us on what’s going on Yunho?” Seonghwa asked confused.

 

Yunho shook his head and retrieved some other stuff from the suitcase, as well as alcohol to sterilize his gloved hands. “I’ll check him first, then we’ll talk about it,” Yunho said sternly. Seonghwa was taken aback by Yunho’s cold demeanour. “Can you please stand over there and lift up your arms a bit,” Yunho ordered as he placed the different tools in a row on the table. Seonghwa stared at them nervously. Yunho went to inspect Wooyoung’s body further and he removed the band aid that had covered the wound where the needle had punctured his skin before. He felt Yunho’s fingers snake over his skin and goose bumps started to appear.

 

“I figure you have doped yourself up already,” Yunho asked in an annoyed tone.

 

“Actually no,” Wooyoung said. Why did he have to be so rude to him? What had went down between the two of them that he deserved to be treated like this? “I’m out of morphine, I just took some tramadol.”

 

Yunho side-eyed him. He then went to walk to the trashcan to throw away the used band aid. “Alright,” Yunho said kind of surprised. Yunho approached him again. Wooyoung felt the pain before he heard Yunho speak. “This is going to hurt a bit.” Yunho pressed his finger into the space between his ribs. He was rough and felt around even around his broken rib.

 

“Hey Yunho be careful with him,” Seonghwa said as Wooyoung let out a groan.

 

“I need to feel where the liquid has pooled,” Yunho said moving away from Wooyoung again. “And since I don’t have a valid X-ray I have to feel around his ribs,” Yunho looked directly at Wooyoung as he said it.

 

Yunho turned around to grab a tiny needle from his suitcase as well as a little bottle with clear liquid in it. As soon as Seonghwa saw what he was grabbing, he stood up and bolted towards the living room. “Wait up Seonghwa,” Yunho called after Seonghwa as he inserted the needle in the bottle and pulled the plunger back. “I’m going to need you here. I need an extra hand.”

 

Seonghwa stopped in his tracks, but didn’t turn around. “What do you need me for?” Yunho went to walk around Wooyoung and he pushed his arm to the side. He wiped his skin with a little cloth drenched in alcohol and he inserted the needle into his back without warning. Wooyoung flinched slightly as the needle pierced his skin, but there was no pain. It was a small needle like the ones they used at the dentist, the ones that didn’t particularly hurt. He felt how liquid was inserted into his chest.

 

Yunho pulled out the needle and placed it in his suitcase. “That was some local anaesthesia,” Yunho said matter-of-factly to Wooyoung. “I’m going to have to place a drain to get all the liquid out,” Yunho said while looking at Seonghwa. “I need two more hands to place a catheter.”

 

Wooyoung looked at Yunho in surprise. He looked at Seonghwa who had turned around and he saw that the colour had left his face. “…what?” Seonghwa’s jaw had dropped.

 

“I mean I can just leave it like that, but that means Wooyoung won’t be able to breathe that well tonight,” Yunho said. It sounded like he didn’t really care if Seonghwa would help him or not and Wooyoung could breathe well or not. It took Wooyoung by surprise that he Yunho just casually told him that this medical condition was posing a serious threat to him.

 

Seonghwa’s eyes scanned over the tools that lay on the table. Wooyoung followed his gaze and saw the tube that Yunho had laid out and he saw how big it was. Was that going to be inserted into his chest!? Seonghwa carefully walked to the table and went to sit down and he stared at the tools. “Just give me a minute okay?”

 

Yunho nodded and grabbed a tool from the table which looked like a plier. “What are you going to do with that?” Wooyoung asked, kind of afraid.

 

Yunho wiped it clean with the alcohol. “I’m going to need this to guide the tube in.” Yunho made an upward motion with the tool to demonstrate and Seonghwa gasped. “No, no, no! Stop!” he shook his head and buried his face in his hands.

 

Wooyoung felt his forehead become sweaty. The motion he made with the surgical tool made him slightly nauseous as he realized how this was going to be an intense operation. “Okay stop Yunho, let’s not do this,” Wooyoung chickened out.

 

“This needs to be done Wooyoung, I cannot just pierce your skin every night with a hollow needle, it will ruin your skin,” Yunho said. “Besides, this will quicken the process.”

 

Wooyoung looked over at Seonghwa. It was clear that he wasn’t going to be of much help. Moreover, he didn’t entirely trust Yunho to work secure at this moment, since he was so angry at him. “I’ll get it done at the hospital tomorrow instead, Yunho.”

 

“And how are you going to do that without the right papers?” he said in a condescending manner. “I’ll do it with the hollow needle one last time. I don’t care how you’re going to fix the rest.”

 

Seonghwa was happy to hear that Yunho decided not to place the catheter. “Can I go to the living room now?” he asked innocently.

 

“Just place those pillows on the table so Wooyoung can lean on them,” Yunho said. “I’ll call you back when we’re done.”

 

Wooyoung went to sit down on the chair without saying anything. He knew he was walking on eggshells and he waited for the moment Yunho was going to explode. Instead, Yunho just went to finish what he was here to do. He went to insert the hollow needle and extract the liquid from his chest. Wooyoung wanted to cringe at the pain, but he didn’t dare flinch now. When he pulled the needle out, Yunho finally spoke again.

 

“He told me he is going to let you back on the job within two weeks,” Yunho said through gritted teeth. “Did you tell him to hand in fake X-rays? Are you that fucked up Wooyoung?” He placed the syringe with yellow liquid in it on the table and he removed his gloves roughly.

 

“No!” Wooyoung jerked to the side and he felt a jolt go through his body. “No I didn’t tell him to do that. He… He just did.”

 

“He just did? Isn’t it because you begged him to return to the job?” Yunho scoffed. “Seonghwa, we’re done in here,” he yelled to the living room. He went to put all the tools back into his suitcase.

 

“You’re bleeding Wooyoung!” Seonghwa said alarmed when he entered the kitchen.

 

Yunho groaned and went to retrieve a cloth from his suitcase. He walked around Wooyoung’s side and cleaned his side where the needle had been inserted. “Hand me a band aid Seonghwa.”

 

Seonghwa went to look inside Yunho’s suitcase and carefully grabbed a band aid from it. He handed it to Yunho with a panicked look on his face. “You cannot work like this and you know that!” Yunho almost screamed in Wooyoung’s face.

 

“What the hell Yunho? What is going on?” Seonghwa was surprised by Yunho’s sudden outburst.

 

“He let San hand in fake X-rays so he can return to the job within two weeks! HE SHOULD BE AT HOME FOR AT LEAST THREE MONTHS,” Yunho shouted. “I can’t believe you’re willing to sabotage us all.”

 

“Wait what?” Seonghwa said astonished.

 

“Oh it’s ridiculous. San just walked into my office and he was like: ‘Yunho, I just want you to know that I didn’t hand in Wooyoung’s X-rays, I don’t want to let him to go through that horrible reintegration process, all those necessary and long procedures. We can deal with the situation ourselves. Can you please take care of him for me?’ He didn’t for a moment consider what I thought about it, he just wanted to let me know. The audacity,” Yunho sighed loudly and went to walk to the trash to throw away the adhesive strips from the band aid aggressively.  

 

Seonghwa looked at him with glassy eyes. “Is that why you don’t want to make a complaint about him? Because he lied for you?”

 

Wooyoung felt like he was caught in a fishing net. He was cornered by both Yunho and Seonghwa and he didn’t know what to say.

 

“Are you kidding me?” Yunho raised his eyebrows. “What magical things did he tell you to change your mind like that Wooyoung?”

 

“Nothing,” Wooyoung uttered. “He said nothing that changed my mind. I was never going to report him anyway.”

 

“Well you have more reason now Wooyoung. Because if you won’t say something, I feel obliged to do so. I cannot lie to my superiors about your condition,” Yunho went to sit down in a chair across from Wooyoung.

 

“I know it’s wrong that he did that,” Wooyoung said with a small voice. “But it’s done. I can’t do anything about it.”

 

Seonghwa pinched his nose bridge. “Don’t you understand that you can do something about it, Wooyoung?” he said calmly.

 

“It’s not good for the team Wooyoung. San is a bad commander,” Yunho said.

 

Wooyoung slowly shook his head. San had done wrong, but was he a bad commander? He wasn’t sure. He didn’t know any longer how much their private lives and work lives overlapped and his head was spilling over with conflicting thoughts. The voices of Seonghwa and Yunho were loud in his ears as well and it was giving him anxiety.

 

“I- I will try to fix it. I just have to talk to him,” Wooyoung said unsurely.

 

“Are you sure that is wise? Is it even necessary?” Yunho said questioningly.

 

“I don’t know everything that he said to you during your conversation,” Seonghwa started. “But I know that it has fucked with your head. Don’t you think that it will only become more difficult to turn things around for the better if you speak with him again?”

 

Wooyoung knew that Seonghwa had a fair point, because during his conversation with San he had been so surprised when San told him that he had lied for him to the police department, that he wasn’t able to address all the other issues they had. The conversation had taken a 180° turn and Wooyoung wasn’t able to think straight anymore when he had told him he loved him.

 

“I want to do right by myself,” Wooyoung said. He turned to face Yunho. “I realize that what he has done has affected you all. It was never my intention to drag you all into this.” He paused. “But I need to talk it through with him.”

 

The tension in the room was awful and Wooyoung just wanted to leave. He wanted to go to bed and zone out everything and everyone, so he didn’t have to think about all of the mess he had made. Now that the realized that the issues he and San had were bigger than them and involved other people, he had a responsibility to face his problems. As much as he realized this, he didn’t like that Seonghwa and Yunho were pushing him so much.

 

Yunho sighed and went to grab his stuff. “Tell me when you finally made a wise decision.” He clicked the suitcase shut and Wooyoung looked up at him in surprise. “Then I can also help you make a much needed appointment at the hospital.”

 

Seonghwa and Wooyoung watched as Yunho left without a goodbye. Wooyoung felt his heart sting being treated by Yunho in such a cold manner. After all, he was more a brother to him than a colleague.

 

Seonghwa stood up as well and he went to linger at Wooyoung’s side. “Don’t talk to him. I don’t ever want to see you cry again because of him.”

 

Wooyoung’s breathing faltered as he looked up into Seonghwa’s worried eyes.

 

As Seonghwa left his apartment, Wooyoung thought about what Seonghwa had said. He knew that he was right. He knew that he shouldn’t talk to San anymore, that he shouldn’t participate in his sly games.  

 

But Wooyoung still couldn’t deny that there was another reason why he still wanted to talk to San.

 

That morning, the psychologist had tapped into one of his deepest and darkest memories. Something that he had been able to shut off for the longest time. During their conversation she had touched upon a memory that had even involved San. Drugging himself today was helping him to not think about it, but now that they had been talking about San again, he couldn’t help but be reminded of it.

 

He knew that it was the easiest route to just write off San’s confessions as a blatant lie and a big old manipulation trick. But behind every lie there was a truth. This time he really wanted to know why San had done the things he had done. He was going to talk to San, even if it was going to hurt him beyond repair.

 

 

 

 

 

_Can we talk?_

The message was short and unnecessary. As he read it, he wanted to forget it again and fall back asleep. Why did Yeosang want to talk to him? What did he have to say? It was still not clear to Wooyoung why Yeosang was with San that day. Up until that point, he and Wooyoung had a really good relationship and he could actually call him a friend.

 

It was true, he had never mentioned to him how he felt about San, but there was never a reason to talk about those things. He never talked about his private life with his colleagues. It was only recently that he and Seonghwa started talking more openly about these things and that had been really awkward.

 

Why did he want to talk? Was it because he knew he had been seeing San and was now regretful towards Wooyoung? Or was it because he didn’t know at all and was just trying to apologize that he had seen them together like that? His stomach churned at the thought of them together and some images flashed before his eyes. He groaned and buried his head in the pillow. What if Yeosang actually liked San? What if… What if this had been going on for longer?

 

Wooyoung’s heart started pounding faster. He realized how sneaky San had been in their conversation, trying to change the subject to him to avoid having to explain what his relation with Yeosang was. What if this hadn’t been the only time? What if San knew that Yeosang had feelings for him? What if he… What if he was genuinely interested in Yeosang?

 

But then why had he tried to fix their relationship? Why did he risk losing his job, to give Wooyoung what he wanted? What was the real motivation behind that?

 

Maybe he should just listen to Seonghwa and Yunho and do what was right. Reporting him was in the best interest of everyone, since he was willing to risk the safety of his team by doing the things he had done. But there was an ache in Wooyoung’s chest, a feeling that he couldn’t deny. He had so many questions and he just needed to know why he had done it all…

 

Wooyoung rubbed in his eye and deleted the message by Yeosang from his phone. He went through his contacts and he found San. He wrote him a message.

 

_It’s time you told me the truth. For real this time._

He pressed send before he could think about it longer, before he could change his mind. He knew Seonghwa would be mad at him for giving San the time of day. But if he was going to report him, then he needed closure.

 

It was an early morning however and it would take all day before he got a message back from San. He had been slouching around, watching tv and taking the maximum amount of painkillers. At this point, he was really craving morphine.

 

_Of course, Wooyoung. Just tell me what you want me to do._

Wooyoung’s heart rate went up as he read the message. He typed a message back immediately.

 

_I have a lot of questions. I just want you to answer them truthfully. I want to be sure that what you tell me are no lies._

It was silent for a bit and Wooyoung didn’t know if he was going to send a message back that evening, until he did.

 

_I am not telling lies Wooyoung… I never lied to you, I just haven’t been upfront with you._

Was he bullshitting him!? Then another message popped up.

 

_I want to show you my true self. Come to my apartment and we’ll have a talk. I will be completely open with you._

Was it wise to go to his place? He had never been there before and he wondered if it was smart to go there now. What would he do and what would he say? Was he going to ensnare him with more lies, in the comfort of his own home?

 

Yet Wooyoung couldn’t deny the obvious curiosity he had about San’s home and the things he could find there. Maybe being in the comfort of his own home would actually help him be more honest to open up about his character and he might own up more easily to the things he had done. He would show his true self to him… Wooyoung couldn’t deny the excitement he felt as he read the message again. Could it be that the truth was hidden in his home and that it could finally be revealed to him if he went there?

 

_Do you want me to go to your apartment now?_

Wooyoung’s heart was pounding in his chest, realizing that he was actually taking San up on his offer. He wanted the truth, but boy was he scared of what he was going to find. The next message took  a while as well.

 

_I have to finish some things at the job. Is it alright if I pick you up later tonight?_

He was actually agreeing to do this…

 

_Sure._

Wooyoung threw his phone through the room. He could hear Seonghwa screaming in his ear, asking him what the hell he thought he was doing. At this point, he didn’t know anymore. Had it been anyone else, he had been at the police department yesterday. But it was San and he couldn’t deny the effect he had on him.

 

The rest of that night he was pacing through his apartment, finding things to do to distract himself. He decided to take a shower, wash off the dried up blood on his side and wash his dirty, oily hair. Looking in the mirror he saw that his wound had now primarily become a dark almost black colour. He turned around to carefully take a look at the place where the needle had punctured his skin. The wound was dirty and it seemed like pus was coming out of it. He knew that it would be best to clean it so he retrieved a bottle of disinfectant alcohol from the cabinet above the sink. He had to move his arm in almost impossible way to wipe a cloth of alcohol over the wound. As he did so, more pus and liquid came out. Was this supposed to happen? He remembered how Yunho had wanted to place a catheter to put a permanent drain on his body. He had told him it was necessary, or else he would get difficulty breathing. After San had punched him and he had fallen to the ground, his breathing had been really difficult. But after that, he didn’t have any particular complaints. He breathed slowly and sometimes kind of hitched, but it wasn’t different to how he breathed before San had hit him. Seeing how the wound looked, he wondered if it would have been better if Yunho had placed the drain yesterday.

 

He dressed the wound with a cloth and tape, so his shirt wouldn’t get dirty and it would hopefully heal quicker. He got dressed and while he was struggling to get his shirt on, he saw that San was calling him. He swallowed a few times before he picked up the phone.

 

“I’m outside your apartment in my car,” hearing his voice again brought him back to the last time they had had a conversation. He remembered how hurt he was and how his emotions were all over the place.

 

“I’ll come down, just a minute,” he hung up before San could say anything else. His heart was in his throat and he wondered why he had such a strong reaction to seeing San again. Maybe it was because he knew this night could go just two ways… He wasn’t prepared for either.

 

He tucked his shirt lightly in his pants and put on his belt and shoes. A look in the mirror revealed that he looked like he was in bad shape. It wasn’t really a surprise. His body was slowly giving up on him.  

 

He grabbed his phone and put on his jacket and he was out the door. In the lift he had a small crisis, wondering if what he was doing now was the biggest mistake of his life. When he stepped out of the lift, he accepted that there was no way back now.

 

San’s slick black car was parked on the sidewalk with the engine still running. He checked to see if San was really inside, making sure it wasn’t someone else with the same car and then he opened the passenger door. San’s car was somewhat lower to the ground and he had to take his time to get in. As he fell back against the seat, he felt the dressing of his wound move around and it was an uncomfortable feeling.

 

Wooyoung turned to look at San and he was staring at him with one hand resting on the wheel. He saw the faint blue colour on his right cheek and he remembered how they had ended their previous conversation. His hair was tousled and pushed back, staying in that position because it was so dirty. He could see some dried up sweat on his forehead and he could smell a mix of sweat, dirt and cologne coming off of him. His lips were in a straight line, but his eyes looked kind yet unsure. Was this the man that had done all those bad things to him?

 

It was hard looking into San’s eyes and he broke eye-contact to put on his seatbelt. San stepped on the gas and he drove onto the road. All the while they drove, they didn’t say a word. San was silently taking turns, making sure not to take them too fast, so as not to cause discomfort for Wooyoung. It was really obvious that he was changing his driving style just for him.

 

Wooyoung watched his every move. He had always thought that there was something attractive about watching a man drive. The way he gripped the steering wheel, how he changed gears and how he looked behind him when he was taking a turn. Wooyoung looked at his hands: they were dirty and had dirt under the nails. He also noticed the black smudges that were obviously caused by gunpowder. What had they been doing today?

 

It still hurt Wooyoung to know he wasn’t currently part of the team, but then he realized again what San had done for him. He couldn’t deny that returning to the job sooner than expected made him feel excited. And now that San had done the possible and handed in fake X-rays, it had become possible for him to do so. He wished that that idea would only bring joy to him, but he soon remembered how angry Yunho and Seonghwa were and how much Yunho was against the idea of him returning so soon.

 

They drove through different parts of the city and Wooyoung realized that he didn’t actually know where San lived. He recognized that they were driving through Gangnam, but at some point they entered a part he didn’t recognize in particular. Where did he live?

 

They stopped in front of a tall building and San drove down to a parking garage that was underneath the building. San turned off the car and he looked at Wooyoung curiously.

 

“What made you decide to come?” San asked, genuinely interested to know.

 

“I just want answers. I don’t know what to think anymore, since everything you say is so conflicting,” Wooyoung said. He searched for his words. “It seems like you have been hiding things for me, because it was in your best interest to do so.”

 

San played with the keys in his hands and he looked down. “I know. I’m sorry,” he started. He looked up at Wooyoung again. “Thank you for coming here though. Seonghwa gave me a hard time. He told me to stay away from you.”

 

Wooyoung looked at San curiously. Was there still a hint of jealousy there? “He cares about me.”

 

San pushed his hair back and leaned back against his seat. “Yes I know. I realize that now.” He went to grab the door. “I’m glad you decided not to listen to him.”

 

Before Wooyoung could answer San opened the door and stepped out of the car. Wooyoung sighed. He realized that San was going to get on his nerves more this evening, so he just had to try and contain himself. He twisted to his side to get the door handle and he opened the door. Getting out was even more a struggle than getting in. He felt an arm slip under his armpit and he was pulled upwards. When he turned to face him, San’s face was close to his. Taken aback, he stepped back breaking the physical contact with San by doing so. Wooyoung slammed the door shut.

 

“You lead the way,” he said, making a gesture with his hand to San.

 

San was surprised by his reaction but then he turned around to walk towards the lift. They stepped inside and they were quiet again. San had taken a back with him and Wooyoung could smell the dirty clothes in it. What kind of training did they have?

 

They reached the floor they had to be on and Wooyoung walked behind San nervously. He was curious to see what San’s apartment looked like, but he was also kind of nervous. He had never been here before and it was also sort of strange to visit the home of your commander, had it not been for their close relationship.

 

San opened the door to his apartment and tossed his car keys on a little table next to the front door. They immediately entered the living from and it wasn’t really big. It wasn’t small either, but it was smaller than Wooyoung’s apartment. What he noticed immediately was San had a lot more stuff in his home than him. There was a bookshelf that reached the ceiling and it had a big desk in front of it. It kind of gave him a vintage vibe, because the bookshelf and desk were made out of dark oak. There was a couch with a little salon table and there were all sorts of dvd disks scattered on it.

 

San dropped his bag. “Do you want something to drink?” he asked. Wooyoung turned around, surprised by the offer.

 

“Beer or something,” he said in a nonchalant manner. San nodded and he turned to walk to the kitchen that was to the side of the living room. He opened the fridge and returned with a large can of beer.

 

“Do you mind if I take a shower first? I didn’t have time to do it at the job,” San said as he handed the beer to Wooyoung. It seemed like he was trying to tell him something by saying that he hadn’t showered at the job. Wooyoung was suspicious.

 

“You could have done it just before you came at my place?” Wooyoung countered, something San didn’t expect him to say.

 

“I could have done that, I just didn’t want to let you wait longer,” he waited for Wooyoung’s response.

 

“Go shower. Do you mind if I take a look at your bookshelf?” Wooyoung asked as he opened the can of beer.

 

“Go ahead, make yourself at home,” he said and disappeared to a different room.

 

Wooyoung turned to walk through the living room, taking a sip of his beer. He glanced over the DVDs that were spread out over the low salon table. Besides the different crime titles, he saw some Japanese gore films. Most of them were unfamiliar to him, but he recognized ‘Ichi the Killer’. He had seen it once and could only remember the extreme violent scenes in it. One cover caught his interest and he picked up the DVD case. ‘Nymphomaniac’ the title read and apparently it was made by Lars von Trier. The cover featured the different actors that played in the movie and they were making faces like they looked they were experiencing an orgasm. _Forget about love,_ the subtitle read. Wooyoung read the back of the DVD and it said that it told the story of a woman with an abnormally high sex drive.

 

Wooyoung placed the DVD back on the table. He thought it strange to find the Lars von Trier film among the other titles, making a striking contrast between the violence and crime based movies and the one centred around sex.

 

The bookshelf and desk were on a raised platform in the back of the room. He had to walk up two steps to step onto a wooden floor. The desk was filled with stacks of papers. There didn’t seem to be an order in them and some stacks had fallen over. He walked to the bookshelves to take a closer look at the spines. There were some lawbooks that he probably has used for his studies as well as books on criminology. He was surprised to find one shelf dedicated to books about art. For some reason most of them were baroque painters, the covers of the books decorated with allegorical paintings and cherubs. He didn’t know San liked art. A small section was dedicated to literature from publisher Penguin. Wooyoung didn’t read that much, but he had read ‘Crime and Punishment’ by Dostoevsky.

 

Wooyoung went to sit down on the couch and drank his beer. San seemed to had a wide array of interests, some of which he knew about, others not so much. He was intrigued to find the shelf of art books, but he couldn’t help stare at the DVD case that read _Nymphomaniac._

 

San entered the room and he was wearing a sweatpants and sweatshirt. His hair was damp and sticking to his face and it made for a youthful almost innocent appearance. He went to grab a beer from the fridge and then went to sit beside Wooyoung. He looked at the table and saw the scattered DVDs.

 

“Sorry for the mess,” San went to grab all the DVDs at once, making for an awkward scenario. “I’m not home much, but when I am I make a mess.” He went to place the DVDs next to his TV that had another stack of DVDs already there.

 

Wooyoung was surprised to see San acting so awkwardly, like he had just been caught doing something bad. Inspired by the moment, Wooyoung brought up the courage to finally ask San the questions that he had been meaning to ask.

 

“Why did you hand in fake X-rays San? After all that happened, I really don’t understand why you decided to do that,” Wooyoung started, placing his can of beer on the table.

 

“I had to do something, Wooyoung. I didn’t want to lose you,” San said, speaking slowly.

 

“It doesn’t make sense to me though. Why did you wait to do that until I got mad at you?” Wooyoung said. “Oh and why did you have to punish me even more before deciding to finally make the decision to let me back on the job? You could have saved yourself a lot of trouble and we could have been together without all the drama. Now it seems like you weren’t interested in me or my well-being at all.”

“But I was… I am,” San let his hands drop to his sides.

 

“Then why did you punch me?” there was literally no explanation for that.

 

San sighed. “I have no excuse for that. I- I shouldn’t have done that,” he said rubbing his hands together nervously.

 

Wooyoung wasn’t sure if he got the full picture of what he had actually done to him. He moved to remove his shirt and he saw how San’s eyes became big. He turned around and pulled one side of the band aid loose to show the puncture in his skin. “I have to be drained of liquid. Yunho inserted this big needle right into my back and then fills up the syringe with liquid that has pooled around my chest. If he doesn’t do it, I can’t breathe normally,” Wooyoung said as San looked at his wound surprised. “Because you punched me and pressed me onto the ground, I now have this problem and tomorrow or the day after I will have to have a catheter inserted into my chest to create a permanent drain.”

 

San buried his face in his hands. “How does that align with your story of trying to protect me?” Wooyoung taped the band aid back on. “How is handing in the fake X-ray not part of your plan to play your dirty games with me?”

 

“It doesn’t align,” San said, dropping his hands and moving back against the couch.

 

“So you admit that you’re lying, that you have lied to me all along!”

 

San moved forward, hesitating to touch his knees. “No! No, Wooyoung. I didn’t lie.”  

 

Wooyoung sighed. He grabbed his shirt and put it back on awkwardly. “Let’s take this one question at a time,” Wooyoung tried to keep his calm. “Why did you hand in the false X-rays?”

 

San folded his hands. “I handed in the fake X-rays, because I realized that the things I had done before, with which I had the best intention, weren’t working. Giving someone what they want isn’t always what they need,” he paused and tried to assess Wooyoung’s reaction. “I know, it’s hard to believe, but I was trying to protect you. I knew how bad your gun shot wound was and I had to protect you from yourself from making it worse. I followed all the advice that the doctors gave me, I went to special clinics to get second opinions, just to make sure my decision to keep you out of the job for a while was justified. I knew that you would handle the news badly, so I didn’t tell you at first. I was waiting for the right moment… When clearly I should have known that there was never going to be a right moment, I just had to be upfront about it with you,” his eyes darted over Wooyoung’s body. “Rest was the only cure and I thought that if I made sure you were taking rest, kind of forcing you to do so, you would be able to return to the job sooner than if you would do it right away and mess up your body more and be away from the job longer. But clearly that tactic didn’t work. I made the obvious mistake not to tell you and now there was only one thing left that I could do for you. I could give you what you wanted, it would make you happy even if it wasn’t good for your body,” he sighed. “And it would make you stop from leaving me.”

 

Wooyoung was taken aback. He wasn’t quite sure how to take his words. “You said you wanted to be in control of me,” he said instead. “Is this an effort to be in control of me?”

 

“Sort of. It gave me a sense that I wasn’t losing you,” San said. “But I’m not sure anymore. I obviously haven’t thought it through. I was desperate.”

 

“You told Yunho to lie to the police department if they asked about me,” Wooyoung said. “You asked him to take care of me. Do you know that that is an impossible thing to ask of a doctor? To put his patients at risk? I probably have to go to the hospital to get the catheter placed.”

 

“I didn’t expect you to have more complications,” San lowered his eyes. “It was my last resort Wooyoung. I just wanted you back.”

 

Wooyoung leaned back. Somehow what San said made sense, even if he didn’t have exactly the right intention to hand in the fake X-rays. It did seem like he was telling the truth. But this was only a part of it. “What about Yeosang?”

 

San let his head drop. “And don’t come at me with those ridiculous stories of pretending you suspected I hooked up with Seonghwa. You know it’s not true, because you have seen the hesitant behaviour he has had towards Yeosang’s affections – unlike you.”

 

San rubbed his face. He moved his fingers around his lips and he sighed loudly. “Okay,” he started. “I will tell you,” the way San looked at him caused shivers down his spine. What was he about to tell him?

 

“As you might have expected – I have issues,” San said. He folded his hands. “I know that its normal for men to have a strong sex drive, but mine is dominating my life. I have strong urges and desires and I have a difficult time containing them,” he turned over his hands and Wooyoung noticed how his hand was shaking. “It’s not normal what I fantasize about or what turns me on. But I have accepted it and I have tried to deal with it. But sometimes I cannot contain it, sometimes my emotions get mixed with my sexual urges and I cannot differentiate between the two. My brain has decided to link certain emotions with the desire to have sex.”

 

Wooyoung tried to understand what San was saying. “So you’re saying that when you feel a certain emotion, you mistake it for wanting to have sex?”

 

San twisted his head to the side. “Not necessarily. It’s just that I get aroused and I need to find release, because it is definitely not always pleasant. I need to get rid of this urge that is keeping me from doing what I want or need to do.”

 

For some reason the conversation had taken a strange twist. Wooyoung wanted to know exactly what San meant when he said he had issues with his sex drive. “Then… What type of emotions trigger you? What exactly happens?”

 

San furrowed his brows. “It is generally just strong emotions. I can be super happy, or super angry and they both can make me want to have sex. But I have noticed that my sex drive especially spikes when there is a high amount of stress and anxiety. There is just this intense need to release tension and sex seems to be the only way.”

 

Wooyoung looked at San worried. “But you have chosen one of the most stressful jobs! There is something stressful almost every day! How do you manage with all that tension!?”

 

San just looked at him. Wooyoung brought his hands up to his face. “You’re saying you have had a lot of sexual partners?”

 

“I… I have. But the reason for that is that almost none of them can satisfy me,” San scratched his neck. “If I can, I take care of it myself of course.”

 

Wooyoung felt his face become red. The idea of San having a lot of sexual partners made him feel weird inside. “So you… You went to Yeosang because…” Wooyoung couldn’t physically finish the sentence.

 

“I felt so many emotions that day. Emotions that had been building up since the day you had shown me the door. My mind was racing and I couldn’t think clear, I was making all sorts of mistakes on the job and the team was starting to notice,” San said. “I had sex with Yeosang and it was the most disappointing thing I’ve ever done. There was no release, there was no pleasure. Just pure disgust,” San almost spit out the words. “The thing is Wooyoung, the moment you entered my life, I knew there was a different way of releasing that tension. Actually, the thing is that I felt less tension when I was with you, although I did find some of my triggers reflected back in you. And I am embarrassed to say, that to my surprise, it had a positive effect on me.”

 

“What do you mean it had a positive effect on you?” Wooyoung asked curious. He noticed how eager he was to know about this secret of San.

 

“You are enough for me Wooyoung. You have shown me that I don’t need anyone else, that you complete me both mentally and physically,” San sounded like he was speaking from the bottom of his heart. But he dropped his head soon after. “I’m just not sure if I am right for you.”

 

It was weird, because Wooyoung felt a sting in his heart. Knowing that San wanted him and only him because he fulfilled him, filled him with a joy that he hadn’t anticipated. But the hurt he felt as San told him that he might not be right for him hit him like a ton of bricks.

 

“Why not?” Wooyoung said with a small voice.

 

San cleared his throat. “Do you remember the first time I kissed you?” Wooyoung nodded shyly. “You were covered in blood.”

 

“So you’re saying it was the rush of adrenalin, the stress you experienced when you knew I was hit,” Wooyoung started to say, but San shook his head.

 

“It’s the violence.” Wooyoung stared at him blankly. “You were covered in blood. You had just killed a man. It turned me on.”

 

Was he saying what Wooyoung thought he was saying?

 

“I cannot begin to tell you how intrigued I am with the violence that you surround yourself in.”

 

“But… I don’t,” Wooyoung’s voice hitched and he noticed how his breathing became heavier.

 

“I know it sounds counterintuitive,” San said. “But I admire you for how you hold your gun, how you handle it in the name of justice, yet kill a man without becoming a killer.”

 

Wooyoung heard what San was saying, but he wasn’t really hearing it.

 

“But I saw what it did to you Wooyoung. So I decided to take care of you. And since I had fallen for you, I had to protect you,” San moved closer to Wooyoung and he looked into his eyes. “I had to get you away from the job, because I had to protect you. Not just physically.”

 

The puzzle pieces slowly started to fall together. Wooyoung heard himself breathe louder and faster and he didn’t even care when San started to move closer to him and wrapped an arm around his waist.

 

“I have always been interested in you, Wooyoung. I just never knew how to show it. When you were shot I realized that the clock began ticking: I had to step up my game if I wanted you in my life,” he felt his hand lightly touch his back. “But I am not that good at communication and I connected with you in the only way I knew how. How could I let you know how I felt about you? I tried to show you with my actions, but you misread everything… And talking only made it worse.”

 

“Why are you telling me all these things now?” Wooyoung’s voice broke.

 

“Because I have nothing left to lose,” San sighed. “I know how fucked up my mind is, but I can’t help it. If I want you, I have to tell you like it is. I never had the intention to hurt you, even if that is hard to believe. I’m sad to have to admit that my reasons for what I did are rooted in dark and sinister addictions.”

 

Even though Wooyoung felt distressed and he felt like he could burst into tears any time, he had felt something release inside of him that had been waiting to be released. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders and the liquid had disappeared from his chest so he could finally breathe normal again.

 

What San was telling him was disturbing. It was nightmarish. But what it was explaining about their issues felt liberating in some sense. He could look up into San’s eyes again and not feel guilty about wanting him.

 

“I don’t know what to say,” Wooyoung said, trying to let San know that somehow, somehow deep inside of him he understood, as much as it pained him to do so.

 

San moved back, creating space between them. “I know it’s a lot to take… I’m sorry for having to tell you this. Do you want me to take you home?”

 

Wooyoung noticed how he shook his head. He knew that Seonghwa was going to scold him, but he suddenly felt so tired and sleepy from the heavy conversation that they had had, that he didn’t want to deal with going back to his apartment, where he would be all alone and burdened with his thoughts.

 

“Can I stay here?” Wooyoung asked. San couldn’t hide his surprise. “Can I sleep on your couch tonight?”

 

San let out a breath that he had been holding in. He looked at Wooyoung and smiled with tears pricking in his eyes. “I’ll bring you some blankets.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter will be extra extra long. Please refer to the notes next week for warnings.  
> Follow me on twitter to find updates @incarnato_


	10. AIO: All In Order

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains themes of violence that can cause discomfort for the readers. Please refer to the tags, I have updated them accordingly. 
> 
> Now let's start this final chapter.

Wooyoung felt numb. He didn’t know how he was supposed to feel about what San had told him. It had given him an explanation to why the things that happened had happened, but it didn’t justify them nor did it make them better. But Wooyoung did feel like something had changed. San had told him things that he knew he should have realized much sooner, that he should have known since he first met San. Maybe he had just conveniently closed his eyes for them, just like he shut of his feelings when he dealt with difficult things that happened at the job. A child that became injured in an accident, a dog ran over by a train, a woman found by the sidewalk who was beaten and raped. Wooyoung didn’t cry about them, it was just how it was. It was the job that he had chosen and because he was there to help them there was no reason to give it anymore thought. It was a defence mechanism, a way to make sure he could sleep at night. If he would really think about the things that had happened to the victims he had helped, he would never be able to sleep another night. It just didn’t work like that when you were a policeman: you were taught to shut off your feelings because it was for a good cause.

 

This time however, it was about him. It was about his own feelings and his relation to San. There were things that he and San had in common, mistakes that they had both made and now had to deal with. Wooyoung knew San was flawed, he had always known. But his heart beat faster for him and he had always forgiven that side of him, he had always chosen to focus on the good things about him. It was better to focus on the good things, because the bad things made him realize that there were flaws that he had himself.

 

They had talked a bit more, San had tried to explain to him how his mind worked and why Wooyoung had caused a spike in his sex drive. He had always been with girls and he never thought that he could ever be with a man. Being with Wooyoung awakened something in him that he didn’t know was there. It was kind of vague what San had meant by that and he wondered why he had gone to Yeosang straight after him. Even though Wooyoung wanted to ask why so many times, it also hurt him to know that San had developed an interest in other men when it initially seemed like he hadn’t. Would he ever be able to trust him in that regard? Could he ever be sure that he wouldn’t fuck other men?

 

San had said that it was the violence that had lured him in. That it was the combination of both, sex and violence, that he felt he could find those two only in him.

 

“But what does that mean San? Does that mean that you like to see me get hurt? That you hit me because it turns you on?”

 

San squeezed his eyes closed. “No. No I don’t like to see you get hurt. I care about you, as a colleague, as a friend, a lover,” he looked up to eye Wooyoung’s reaction, “I will do anything to not see you get hurt,” he sighed. “It pains me to admit that it does turn me on. It is conflicting, because my heart tells me to protect you. But my mind is in overdrive when I see you get hurt. The first time I saw your wound, I could barely contain myself not to fuck you right then and there.”

 

“I thought I disgusted you,” Wooyoung said ashamed.

 

“Disgust?” San looked at him astonished. “Are you kidding me? You look beautiful to me,” he had traced his fingers over the back of Wooyoung’s hand. “I’m intrigued to see how frail your body is, yet so strong at the same time. Even though your body is covered in bruises, you wear them like its nothing. It’s beautiful.”

 

“What if Yeosang had these bruises? Would you even take another look at me?” Wooyoung was still insecure about San’s attraction towards Yeosang. What if it had been the other way around? Was he just a commodity?

 

San took a deep breath. He pulled Wooyoung closer to him and Wooyoung couldn’t deny the fluttering feeling he felt inside his stomach. “He wouldn’t be able to wear the bruises like you do,” San said. “He is nothing like you. Nothing,” San dropped his head and he felt how his hand caressed his side. All of a sudden he retrieved his phone from his pocket and he went to type a message.

 

“What are you doing?” Wooyoung asked alarmed.

 

“I’m sending him a message,” San said. He showed his phone to Wooyoung and Wooyoung read the message. It surprised him that they hadn’t had a conversation prior to that, because he didn’t see any backlog messages.

 

_It was a one time thing. It will never happen again. Please don’t come looking for me again._

“Don’t send that,” Wooyoung said.

 

“Why not?” San asked looking up at him with a confused look.

 

“Because it doesn’t make a difference,” Wooyoung said. He folded his hands in his lap. It was such an easy move, to just send a message and show him the receipt. He didn’t know how Yeosang would respond to it, there was no way he could no how he would act towards San in real life, so the message didn’t make a difference.

 

San hesitated. His thumb lingered over the send button, then he deleted the message and closed his phone. “What do you want me to do? I want to make sure you know I will never see him again.”

 

“You can see him,” Wooyoung said. “You have to. You’re the commander, there’s no way around him. You have to deal with him,” Wooyoung inhaled while trembling. Was he really about to say the unthinkable? “Just don’t ever fuck anybody else again.”

 

San stared at him while holding his breath.

 

Then he said it. “I want you to fuck me and only me. You can destroy me if you want to, I don’t care. I just want to be your only one.”

 

 

 

 

He had fallen asleep on the couch, after San had taken his leave of him, telling him he would go to bed and if there was anything he needed he could just come to him. Wooyoung knew he was asking him to join him to bed, but he was not going to do that. There was too much going through Wooyoung’s mind and he wasn’t ready to go on that rollercoaster again.

 

Of course, sleeping on San’s couch posed its difficulties as well. He wasn’t able to sleep for a while, staring through the room at different things, his eyes lingering on the set of DVDs that now had a whole different meaning to them. San had a fascination with violence and sex and the way they overlapped in his mind was worrying. Yet Wooyoung wasn’t alarmed. He understood where both those fascinations came from, even though they shouldn’t be combined.

 

When he did fall asleep, he dreamed a restless dream. Seonghwa was there and Yunho as well, and they tried to explain to him why what he was doing right now was a mistake. He should go home, he should file a complaint against San so they can start over as a team. Ever since San came, things have been going wrong. He needed to get rid of him. He tosses and turns in his sleep, in his mind he is trying to argue with Seonghwa and Yunho why San deserves a second chance, why he deserves to be given a voice so he can explain himself. Seonghwa grabs him suddenly in a tight grip, that feels way more restrictive than a hug is supposed to feel. Over Seonghwa’s shoulder Wooyoung can see Yunho open up his suitcase that is now placed in front of him on a table. He retrieves a bundle of tubes from it and then finally he pulls out a surgical knife.

 

Wooyoung’s eyes shot open. He was breathing heavily and short-winded, his heart in his throat. He rubbed in his eyes and tried to slow his breathing down. He sat up, throwing the blanket off of him and he stared into the room. There was light coming from outside from a lamppost and neon signs, which illuminated the room partly in an orange glow. Wooyoung could see the contours of the books lying on San’s desk. The tv and the kitchen were hidden in shadows.

 

Breathing in and out, he stared into the distance for a while. He knew he wasn’t able to go back to sleep. The dream took him off guard and brought him in a strange mood. The realization that he was in San’s home after he woke up, filled him with so much anxiety that he wasn’t sure what to do next. The day before, he had only come to San’s place because he was on a mission. A mission to find out what motives were behind San’s actions. He came for a resolution, he wanted to find out what to do for once and for all.

 

As he was seated on the couch, none of the things he had felt the evening before seemed to be making any sense. He felt detached from the person he was when he was hurt by San over and over again. He noticed how he could remember Yeosang in San’s arms, but that he was having no reaction to it. He remembered the punch against his jaw, strong and firm without holding back, and the wind that had been knocked out of him. San had done that to him, but Wooyoung didn’t feel anything as he remembered it.

 

But when he remembered the first time San had touched him, or when he had touched him, a surge of energy went through body. He felt that tingly feeling in his stomach, that feeling he had always felt when San stared at him for a bit longer than usual. The feeling he had when San stood closer to him and when he put his hand on his thigh. The feeling when he kissed him on his lips and brushed his tongue past his lower lip. The feeling of ecstasy, like being on a permanent high, because the most beautiful man was by his side.

 

Wooyoung rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face roughly. It was wrong, he thought, but it was what he needed right now. If he was going to leave San, if he was going to decide to expose his actions, then this would be their last night together. He just wanted to be with him. He just wanted to feel his warmth, he wanted his breath on his neck and his hands embracing his bare skin. There was nothing he craved more right now and he didn’t give a fuck if that was wrong.

 

He stood up and went to walk through the kitchen to find San’s bedroom door. Should he knock? No, he should just go in, he thought. He opened the door silently. The room was reasonably sized, but Wooyoung couldn’t quite see what was inside the room because it was so dark. He saw the contours of San’s bed and he saw that San was moving around. He closed the bedroom door and he noticed that San was getting up out of bed. Suddenly the room was covered in a warm white light, coming from the side of San’s bed.

 

Wooyoung saw how San was sitting up, his legs swung over the side of the bed, his hands clutching the matrass. He was naked, safe for his boxers, and he was hunched over slightly which made his body seem tense. His hair was messy, a strand covering one of his eyes as he looked up at him. He seemed unsure what to do or what to say and he waited for Wooyoung to say something.

 

Wooyoung was transfixed, realizing what he was about to do. Looking up into San’s eyes, seated on his bed, made him feel all sorts of things. Finally, San decided to stand up and walk towards Wooyoung. When Wooyoung realized this, he stepped forward, approaching San and pushing him back to sit down on the bed again. His hand lingered on San’s chest and San was looking at it confused and unsure. He looked up at him and he slowly wrapped his hand around his.

 

“What are you-” San tried to say. Wooyoung shook his head. He went to sit beside him on his bed, their hands still intertwined. Wooyoung had to look away. He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure if there was anything that he could say right now. His throat felt tight, like air could barely be pushed through it and he knew if he looked up in those eyes again he would not be able to control himself.

 

Wooyoung leaned past San and he could hear how San gasped for air. Wooyoung switched the light off again and the room was filled in darkness. Wooyoung leaned back and looked upon San’s face that was now covered in a dark blue light. There was a shadow on one side of his face and on the other side he could see how his eyebrow was raised in surprise. Wooyoung could see his chest, how it was moving up and down and how he couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Wooyoung moved closer and San breathed louder and harder, anticipating what Wooyoung was about to do.

 

Wooyoung slowly grabbed the hem of his shirt and he pulled it over his head. Wooyoung felt San’s hands help him and as he got the shirt free from his head, he felt his hand linger on his wrist. Wooyoung bundled up the shirt and threw it across the room. San’s eyes darted over his body and then he looked him straight in his eyes again. He seemed confused and tried to assess Wooyoung’s intentions. His hand moved forward and Wooyoung closed his eyes to enjoy San’s touch. His fingers traced his waist at his good side and then went across his chest to feel his wound. Wooyoung inhaled sharply at his touch and he opened his eyes again. San’s hand dropped and there was a moment of hesitation.

 

Wooyoung felt like he was going to burst from anticipation and so he leaned forward, catching himself by leaning on San’s shoulders. San breathed in loudly and his eyes darted over his body in a panic. It took staring into each other’s eyes for what felt like a minute, before Wooyoung finally lowered himself and pressed his lips onto those of San.

 

San was eager. The kiss was hard and wet. It was like they had never had each other before, like they were kissing for the first time and they were discovering each other’s bodies. Wooyoung felt a tingling feeling from San’s lips that were moving nervously on his. He felt how San was wrapping his arms around his waist and it led him to deepen the kiss. He moved his hand behind San’s neck and weaved his hand through his hair at the base of his neck.

 

San moved back, gasping for air. Wooyoung looked at him and he saw the fire in his eyes, the fire he had seen before and it send shivers down his spine. Wooyoung slowly moved his arms to San’s chest and he pushed him back to the bed, instructing him to go sit further onto the bed. There was a fire burning inside of him and he knew that there was no use holding back. As San scurried back onto the bed in an awkward manner, unsure what Wooyoung was about to do, Wooyoung moved forward to wrap his legs around San’s waist, so they were seated on the bed embracing each other. As his legs pressed down on San’s thighs, he felt how San was shaking. He was trying to find a comfortable position, but at the same time trying to be as close to Wooyoung as he possibly could. His hands fumbled to find his waist and Wooyoung went to wrap his arm around his neck. He waited for San to kiss him and San wanted too, but he was just so overwhelmed, he didn’t know when to move forward or when to hold back. He stared at Wooyoung innocently, but he was eager for his touch. Wooyoung moved every little bit closer to him, so that they nearly became one and while doing so San caught his lips mid-movement.

 

San licked his lower lip, teasing him as his hand moved lower down his back. Wooyoung opened his mouth, letting San in. He moved his tongue inside his mouth eagerly, tracing it along his teeth and under his tongue. Wooyoung moved his hand to the base of his neck, clawing at his hair. Wooyoung felt how San was moving his hips upwards and Wooyoung responded by grabbing a fistful of his hair.

 

“Aaah,” San exclaimed breaking the kiss. Wooyoung took the moment to catch his breath. He noticed how short of breath he was and it bothered him. He let go of San’s hair and San looked up at him in surprise. Slowly, he moved forward and started kissing his chest. Wooyoung weaved his fingers through his hair in a loving manner, enjoying his touch as he planted kisses along his collarbone.

 

Suddenly San pulled back. “Fall asleep in my arms tonight,” he said, his eyes twinkling in the dark.

 

Wooyoung stared at him, taken aback. The rush he had felt, it suddenly ebbed away as he leaned back in to San’s embrace. Wooyoung traced a hand along his shoulder. “We can be together like this,” San said, bringing his hand up to Wooyoung’s face. “I want to feel your heartbeat against my chest as we fall asleep,” he lightly kissed his lips.

 

They weren’t going to have sex? San didn’t want to have sex? Wooyoung stared at San blankly. He insisted to just cuddle and fall asleep? Wooyoung felt a warmth grow inside of him, that he hadn’t felt when he entered the room. He had expected to show up at San’s bedside, to make out with San and have sex sooner than later. But San was stopping him and telling him that he wanted more than that.

 

He wanted more, because never before had they fallen asleep in each other’s arms knowing that they just wanted the other to be near to them. That San was proposing this took Wooyoung totally off guard and he was not sure how to respond. Was this San’s way of telling him it was going to be okay? That they were going to be okay?

 

“Is that alright with you?” San asked as he pulled back and his hand lingered on his chest.

 

Overwhelmed, Wooyoung just dropped his head, trying to compose himself as he realized what San’s gesture meant. He wasn’t prepared for this when he entered the room, nor was he ready for the consequences this had.

 

Wooyoung slowly moved his head up to look San in the eyes. “Yes, that’s alright,” Wooyoung said, his throat tight. San noticed the hesitation in his voice and how his voice was lightly trembling. He moved to wrap his arm around Wooyoung’s waist, pulling him closer to him and as he turned their bodies they slowly fell to the bed on Wooyoung’s left side. San fumbled to find the blankets that he had to pull free from underneath them and then finally he pulled them on top of them.

 

Wooyoung lay stiff on his side, anticipating what San was about to do. San adjusted his pillow and then he snuggled closer to Wooyoung. “Is that pillow okay for you? Do you need another one?” He sounded sweet as he lowered his voice.

 

Wooyoung shook his head. “This is fine, just fine.” He was aware that he sounded unsure of himself and San noticed it too. Carefully, San brought a hand to Wooyoung’s face to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear. He brought the hand down and found Wooyoung’s hand to interlace it with his. He felt how he moved his leg up to wrap around his, and he slowly traced his foot along his calf in an enticing manner.

 

Wooyoung was confused. How could San just go from being all over him, to being this sweet and lovely to him? Wooyoung swore that he felt that San was getting horny when he sat on top of him. With his hand still interlocked with San’s, he brought their hands to San’s boxer to land on his cock that was semi-hard.

 

San moaned a little. “It’s okay,” San said. He moved their hands away. “Can I just cuddle up on you?”

 

Wooyoung searched for his eyes. They were sleepy and just half open. “Just lie back. I want to lie against your side,” San said, as he slightly pushed back against Wooyoung’s hipbone so he would lie on his back. Wooyoung did so and he felt how San was moving closer to him, wrapping an arm around his waist and lying his head in the crook of his neck. His leg moved up to wrap around his hips.

 

“I can hear it now,” San said. Wooyoung peered down to gaze at San curiously. “Your heart is still beating,” he said, in a way that was almost melancholic.

 

Even though Wooyoung couldn’t explain what he was feeling, the warmth of San snuggled against his side made him feel things inside that caused him to forget the pain. His emotions were still fucking with him as he felt like he could cry any moment, but the happiness that was hidden in them made Wooyoung feel at peace sooner than he realized.

 

San moved up to find his lips once again. As his lips lingered on his, he finally realized what San was trying to show him.

 

Wooyoung couldn’t deny that he felt horny himself and so he deepened the kiss. San’s hand travelled to his hipbone and he moved lower to squeeze his ass. Wooyoung responded to his touch and a little moan escaped his lips.

 

“Do you want me to touch you?”

 

Wooyoung searched for San’s eyes in the dark. They glistened and were asking Wooyoung for permission. Wooyoung’s hand moved up to rest at the base of San’s neck.

 

“Yes, please,” Wooyoung whispered, his hips moving upward instinctively as San was moving his feet along Wooyoung’s leg.

 

San kept staring at Wooyoung intently as his hand slowly travelled to his front. He slid his hand under the waistband of his boxer. Wooyoung breathed in through his teeth and San breathed with him, bringing his mouth closer to his. He grabbed his length at the base and slowly moved up, his thumb circling over his cock’s head.

 

“Aah,” Wooyoung exclaimed and San was licking his lower lip. He moved his hand up and down, getting into a rhythm slowly. Wooyoung felt himself become harder as San’s touch resulted in a warm feeling in his gut. He rubbed San’s neck, clawing his hair as San touched him in all the right spots. He felt how San was staring at him through half-closed eyes.

 

“Relax, Wooyoung. You’re tense. Let me take care of you,” San moved up against him, wrapping his leg around him tighter and sliding an arm around his shoulder to steady him. He continued to jerk him off in a slow and enticing manner.

 

Wooyoung moved his hand down, so he could pull of his boxer to give San more room. “Do you have lube?” he breathed in San’s ear.

 

San helped him pull his boxers down. “It’s in the bathroom, do you want me to get it?” Wooyoung shook his head and he guided his hand back to his cock.

 

“No wait,” San said, releasing him and moving backwards. “I’ll get it. I want you to tremble in my arms as you fall asleep,” he kissed his forehead and he moved to get off the bed and disappear through the bedroom door.   

 

Wooyoung felt tingles throughout his body and he was confused he felt the way he did. San had never been so sweet towards him, like he was taking care of him. It took him off guard and it made him feel warm inside.

 

San returned and he slowly moved under the covers, touching Wooyoung’s skin carefully. He was surprised, because his fingers were cold.

 

“Sorry,” San said and he dropped the lube onto his pillow to rub his hands. He then grabbed the lube and squirted some on his hand. He moved closer to Wooyoung, pulling the blankets over them and he slowly brought his hand to his cock. He was surprised when he felt his touch and he opened his mouth in response. San covered his cock in the slick lube and pumped up and down. He moved his hips forward to snuggle against Wooyoung and he could feel his rock hard cock press against his side. San caught his open mouth and slid his tongue inside as he slowly started increasing the tempo.

 

“Are you sure,” Wooyoung said mid kissing, “are you sure you don’t want to have sex?”

 

San kissed his jawline and moved to slide his arm under his neck again. “I’m sure,” he whispered in his ear. “I just want to see you come undone before me.”

 

San picked up the pace and Wooyoung started to breathe uncontrollably as the sensation started sending energetic pulses throughout his body. “Let go, Wooyoung,” San breathed. “I want you to moan as loud as you can.”

 

Wooyoung turned his head to lie in the crook of San’s neck. San quickly moved his hand over the tip of Wooyoung’s cock, creating a prickling sensation every time he touched him. He heard himself make dirty noises, noises he thought porn stars would generally fake. His breathing was quick and shallow and he started making moaning sounds in a pattern. San was teasing him, knowing how to pleasure Wooyoung all to well because he knew how he liked it himself.

 

“Come for me Wooyoung,” San breathed into his ear and Wooyoung brought a hand up to his neck. He clawed at the base of his neck again, holding on for dear life as he felt how his body was tingling all over.

 

“San go faster,” Wooyoung said through a tight throat, digging his nails into his neck.

 

San stopped teasing him and he went to give Wooyoung what he wanted. He made the loudest and most embarrassing noises, but he let go of himself and he let himself be in the moment completely. He felt that he was leaking and he knew his climax was near. Suddenly San moved even closer and Wooyoung moved his hips to his touch. San found his lips and he moaned into his mouth, their lips clashing messily together as Wooyoung finally had his orgasm.

 

His hips moved up in a uneven rhythm, moving up into San’s hand as he milked him. The liquid squirted onto his stomach and covered San’s hand. He was shaking as he rode out his orgasm that was long and intense. San bit down on his lower lip, making Wooyoung scream a little as he experienced the double sensation of pain and pleasure.

 

San let go of his length and he grabbed his thigh to pull him closer to him. He was still trembling and breathing loudly as the orgasm was losing its effect.

 

“Fall back into my arms, I’ll hold you,” San said, clutching his shoulder with his one hand and his thigh with the other.

 

Wooyoung was overwhelmed by the sensation and it had made him become so sleepy, he closed his eyes. He breathed into San’s neck, trying to regain a normal breathing pattern as he was still shaking. But slowly, he relaxed into San’s arms and he felt safe.

 

“Go sleep now baby, I’m right here,” San whispered into his ear. His voice was soothing as it allowed him to travel to a land of dreams, a place without worry and without pain.

 

 

 

 

 

Wooyoung was dreaming again. He found himself back in the warehouse, on the day he was appointed as leader on San’s mission. He had his rifle firmly gripped in his hands, weighing light like a feather. Before he turned the corner, he knew what was going to come. This time he shot his rifle before he saw the man’s gun and the gunshot was loud and clear in his ears.

 

The man was bleeding and he was grabbing at his throat. As he swung his rifle on his back, Wooyoung kneeled down beside the man, trying to help him press down on the wound in his neck. The man tried to speak to him, but only a small sound came out of his throat. Wooyoung was certain he could hear him say something however and so he leaned closer, putting his ear next to his mouth.

 

“This is only the beginning.”

 

Wooyoung pulled back abruptly and stared into the face of the man that was lying on the ground. He was covered in blood and he was slowly choking on his own blood. Wooyoung looked at his contorted face and he felt the blood leave his face.

 

It was him. He saw himself lying on the ground, gasping for air, as the blood was filling up his lungs. He watched as he saw himself die.

 

“WOOYOUNG!”

 

Wooyoung tried to catch his breath, but he was failing to do so. With every inch of his being, he tried to focus on his breathing as he drew in short and sharp breaths. His throat was burning and he hurried to push himself upward in a seated position.

 

“Wooyoung, try to breathe slowly. Slow down, watch me,” he felt San’s hands all over him. His vision finally returned to him and he saw San’s worried face appear in front of him. He tried to hold in his breath as he tried to create a normal breathing pattern. He inhaled deeply and he coughed while he did so, feeling a burning sensation in his chest.

 

“This is wrong San,” Wooyoung wheezed.

 

“Look at me,” San grabbed his arms and pushed them up into the air. “Look at me and breathe. Don’t talk.”

 

The ache in his chest was intense and it hurt to slow down his breathing and inhale deeper. He did so anyway, cringing as he raised his chest to create more room for his lungs. Looking into San’s eyes and breathing together with him, he slowly regained a normal breathing pattern.

 

“I’m scared Wooyoung,” San said as he slowly lowered Wooyoung’s arms.

 

“I know…” Wooyoung said with a hoarse voice. “I’m sorry. It’s my own fault. I should have had a drain in my chest.”  

 

“You were doing fine just know, you suddenly started shaking and breathing uncontrollably in a strange pattern,” San said, his brows furrowed. “It was like you were having a nightmare.”

 

He was having a nightmare. But in that nightmare he had realized something as well. The ache in his chest was nauseating and the unsurety of the whole situation had returned. He hadn’t asked San everything and he had left out that question that was most important and scary to him. The dream just reminded him of its urgency.

 

“San, why did you make me leader that day?”

 

San stared at him confused.

 

“Answer me,” Wooyoung sounded desperate. He saw the change in San’s face, how he realized what Wooyoung was asking him. He had been dreading this question just as much as Wooyoung did.

 

San leaned back. “Because that man needed to be killed and you were the only one who could do it efficiently.”

 

Wooyoung tried to breathe slowly. “Did you know I would have no reaction to it? That I would be so unfaced by shooting and killing someone?”

 

San hesitated. Then he spoke. “Yes.”

 

He had realized it when he had spoken with the psychologist. He had traced back his steps, had relived that moment as he explained to the psychologist what had had happened that day. He had told her in detail how he had shot a man and how he had no reaction to it, only feeling the rush of adrenalin. He had left the room knowing that he had no emotional response to killing a man whatsoever. And he knew in every inch of his being that that was wrong.

 

“I should be crying myself to sleep, knowing what I have done. I have taken a man’s life. I took it upon myself to make him stop breathing and I don’t feel anything knowing that,” Wooyoung questioned himself more than he was questioning San. “It’s wrong San. There’s something wrong with me.”

 

“No, there isn’t Wooyoung. Or else there would be something wrong with me and with Seonghwa and with all your colleagues,” San said.

 

“But then there is,” Wooyoung uttered. “There is something wrong with us.”

 

San sighed, dropping his head. Then he looked up to stare into Wooyoung’s eyes intently. “They need people like us, Wooyoung. They haven’t chosen you for nothing in the army.”

 

Wooyoung brought his hand up to his forehead, confused by San’s words. “What do you mean, people like us?”

 

San bit his lower lip. He moved to sit beside Wooyoung against the headboard. His hand moved towards Wooyoung’s hand, but it lingered on his thigh unsurely. “Don’t you remember Wooyoung?” He paused to glance at Wooyoung. “Don’t you remember what happened in the army?”

 

Wooyoung stared at San blankly, unsure what he was referring to.

 

San’s hand travelled to trace his finger over the palm of Wooyoung’s hand. “I… I have always known that you and I have the same fascination for violence and guns. There was a natural attraction between you and me because of it. And that day, when you picked up your rifle…” San stopped talking mid-sentence and he looked up at Wooyoung.

 

Wooyoung’s heart skipped a beat. Was he… Was he going to talk about _that_?

 

“You were somewhere else with your head. I don’t know what happened that day exactly. I just remember that you had been having issues with this one guy…”

 

Wooyoung grabbed San’s hand and he felt his breathing start to become faster. He felt his face become red as he started to remember. He had erased the memory from his mind, he had pushed it so far to the back of his mind that he couldn’t touch it. San eyed their interlocked hands nervously.

 

“I had seen him testing you day by day. It is normal for men to be pranking others in the army, or to get a reaction out of each other every now and then. But this, this was different. I don’t know what your relation was to this guy, but I could see how he made you angrier and angrier every day. Everyone was waiting for you to explode, for you to hit him or at least put him in his place. But you didn’t,” San’s eyes darted over Wooyoung’s face, eyeing his reaction. But Wooyoung was frozen in the spot.

 

“During our field training it happened. I didn’t expect it to happen, nor did I see it coming. We were out in the field and we were separated into two opposing teams. I was in the same team as you, as well was that guy. As we approached the others in formation with our guns, I heard a gunshot coming from behind me. You had shot the guy.”

 

Wooyoung closed his eyes as he remembered what happened that day and what he had done. He wished he could say that that person wasn’t him, but it was. He remembered what he had done that day and how he had made the conscious decision to shoot him. There had been nothing spontaneous about it.

 

“I saw the man drop and at first it didn’t click in my mind what had happened. I just saw you sprinting towards him. You… You turned him over, went to straddle him and you raised your rifle to hit his jaw with the back of it. I was just approaching you as it happened and I heard the most awful sound as his jaw broke into two.”

 

Wooyoung took a deep breath through his teeth and he noticed how he was clenching San’s hand until it became sweaty.

 

“I was there to pull you off of him, just in time before you hit him another time. You were frantic and I had a hard time pulling you back, because you wouldn’t let me. It was dark, so I couldn’t see the state of him, I could only here a mewling sound similar to how a dying cat sounds. Do you remember what I did after that?” San shook his hand and looked up to him to anticipate his answer.

 

“You… You yelled across the field, telling everyone they should gather round. That you had something important to say,” Wooyoung’s eyes began to tear up as he remembered how out of control he had been and how certain he was he could have killed the man if San hadn’t stopped him.

 

“What did I tell them?”

 

“You told them that everyone was going to explain that this was an accident. That the guy had tripped over his feet and fallen onto his rifle and that he broke his jaw because of it. If anyone even dared to say anything about the part I had played in this, you and I would both break their jaw for telling on me. You said that no one would believe I would do something like this anyway, because I had been such a perfect soldier. You told everyone that the guy had it coming for him, since he had been annoying me for days on end. You instructed some of our team members to bring the guy to the field medic so he could be brought to the hospital. And to the guy himself, you said that he should be looking over his shoulder from now on,” this part, Wooyoung could remember clearly. He remembered how San had taken control of the situation right away and had claimed his position as leader of the team. He was loud and clear on what happened to those who would snitch on them and looking at everyone’s faces, no one dared to say anything to the sergeant.

 

He remembered the fear he had felt of getting caught. But there had never been a moment where he had felt remorse for what he had done. Until now.

 

“At that point I had no idea what state the guy was in. It could be that you had fucked him up so bad that he was going to die. But it turned out that they were able to set his jaw with a metal pin in it. The gunshot wound wasn’t that bad, since we were only using lead for those practice missions. But in the end, he never returned,” San said. He brought up a hand to Wooyoung’s face. “I helped you, because I understood. I realized you had that violence in you that I was looking for. And I wanted to protect you for it.”

 

Wooyoung closed his eyes. He suddenly felt nauseous as he realized what had been wrong all along. It was never just San that was the problem. No. He had been the problem as well.

 

The day he had shot that guy and beat him up so bad he had to go to the hospital, was the same day San had come to him. He had slept beside him in his tent and he had initiated for them to be intimate. He had touched San not because he wanted to, but because he felt like he owed it to him. In effect, it had awakened something in Wooyoung, a close connection to San that he never imagined he would have. What he and San had created, he had never found in someone else.  

 

Their relationship had been built on deceit and violence and as Wooyoung realized this, a panic overcame him.

 

“So I am a killer after all,” Wooyoung exclaimed.

 

“No, Wooyoung, no you’re not. You didn’t kill him,” San said, squeezing his hand.

 

“But you made me leader because you wanted me to kill the suspect. And I did,” Wooyoung said.

 

San went still.

 

“I’m a killer,” Wooyoung realized. “I’m a killer. I’m a killer, because of you,” his eyes locked with San’s.

 

San’s brow furrowed and he went to slowly shake his head. Wooyoung pulled his hand free, breaking contact with San. He scurried over the bed to stand on the ground and he hurried towards the door. Tears were pricking in his eyes. San stopped him just as he was about to grab the handle.

 

“I joined the police for a reason, San. I know I have violence in me, I know I have! But I wanted to use it in a good way, I didn’t want to use it to kill someone!” He almost screamed in San’s face.

 

Why had San done this? Why did he do it when he knew full well what it would do to him? He wanted to use the violence to do good and he had succeeded so far, but San had catapulted him back into doing bad things. He had let San lie for him so he could be part of the team sooner than later.  He had been hurting his body so he could be part of San’s team, so he could prove to him he was a great police man. He had mistreated his colleagues and brought them in danger, because he was selfish and only cared about his return. He realized that he was in a downward spiral, and the cause had been his and San’s relationship.

 

“I’m not the person I was in the army, San,” Wooyoung tried to convince himself. “I don’t want to be that person anymore.”

 

“I thought you could handle it Wooyoung. You had always been doing so well,” San sounded afraid.

 

“I… I cannot have you in my life San. Not like this,” it came out of his mouth before he realized it.

 

San’s eyes grew big. “Wooyoung,” he started, staring at Wooyoung astonished.

 

“I am hurting myself San. I am hurting my body and if I keep going like this, I won’t be able to heal. I made you lie to the police department and I made you bribe Yunho to get me back in the team. Back at my position to hurt myself more and more. Our relationship is toxic, we’re not good for each other,” Wooyoung tried his best to hold back his tears.

 

“I know it’s wrong, Wooyoung. But I did it for you, I did it all for you,” San’s voice was breaking. His arms were hanging at his sides defeated.

 

“Why San? Why did you do it if you know it’s wrong?” Wooyoung felt tired, tired of this game that never seemed to end.

 

“Because I love you,” his small voice could almost not be heard.

 

Did he really love him? He had said it before and it had been in the heat of the moment as well and Wooyoung didn’t know whether to believe. He didn’t know if it was San’s way to get what he wanted, which was him. Wooyoung knew what San was capable of doing to get what he wanted and just now he had reminded him of that time in the army where he had manipulated everyone into lying for him. How was that love?

 

“Do you? After everything that you’ve done you mean to say you love me?”

 

“Everything I do for you, I do because I love you,” San said. “I want to do what is right for you Wooyoung, tell me and I will do it. Just please, don’t leave me,” his hand reached out to touch his arm unsurely.

 

“I… I have to think San. I have to think about what is right for me,” he hesitated. “I will let you know when I’ve worked things out,” Wooyoung opened the door, only to have San follow him. Wooyoung had to leave now, his mind was in overdrive, realising all the things that were wrong about him and the things he had done. At this point he needed to be away from San so he could make a good decision and he realized that he couldn’t communicate this well to San. He went to find his shoes and then realized he still had no shirt on.

 

“Stay just until its light out, Wooyoung. I understand you need time to think, but wait until the public transport is running,” his voice was breaking. “I can bring you home if you want to as well,” San said in a desperate manner and he saw that his eyes were watery.

 

“I… I have to go San, I can’t, I’m sorry,” he realized what he was doing to San, but he had made up his mind. San turned around to walk into his bedroom and he returned with his shirt.

 

There was only one thing Wooyoung could do to see if San was telling the truth, that he really loved him and that he had good intentions. He would have to make the greatest sacrifice for it. But at the same time, Wooyoung had to sacrifice something as well.   

 

 

 

 

“Yunho, come on in,” Wooyoung said, holding the door open to see a worried look on Yunho’s face.

 

He stepped inside, walking past Wooyoung towards the kitchen where he dropped his suitcase on the table. “Your message worried me Wooyoung,” Yunho started, turning around to face Wooyoung. “Did something happen?”

 

“I’m sorry for that message,” Wooyoung said. “I- I panicked and I knew you were the only one I could ask for help.”

 

Wooyoung had send Yunho a message after he came home. He told him that he knew what he had been doing was wrong, that he fucked up and that he was so sorry to Yunho. He told him that his breathing had become really bad during the night and that he thought they should go to the hospital to get the catheter placed.

 

Yunho approached him, noticing that something was definitely up. “Sit down Wooyoung,” he tried to calm him down. Apparently Wooyoung was trembling and his face gave away that something was wrong. “I want you to tell me what happened. I know you don’t have any energy left in your body anymore, so it’s not use lying to me. I can tell when you do. So explain to me what happened first, before I check your body,” he talked in a calm manner, touching his arm lightly to show him that he wasn’t here to scold him or punish him for what he had done.

 

Wooyoung sat down in a chair and Yunho sat down in another across from him. “I… I went to talk to him,” he looked up careful to see Yunho’s reaction. He saw his eyes go big. “I’m sorry, Yunho. I’m sorry. I know you and Seonghwa told me not to do so. I’m sorry, I’m weak,” Wooyoung felt the tears pricking in his eyes again.

 

Yunho shook his head. “It’s okay, Wooyoung. It happened. Tell me what he said, what you told him,” Yunho said, assuring Wooyoung that he wasn’t judging him.

 

“I asked him why he made me leader, why he put me in that position and why he continued to hurt me,” Wooyoung said, lowering his head. “He told me he had his reasons for it, that he wanted to protect me but that he made mistakes while doing so.”

 

Yunho looked at him confused. He realised he had to let out a lot of the story and he didn’t know if he would make sense to Yunho. But he couldn’t let him know about their relationship. Even more, he couldn’t let him know the things he had done and was capable of doing… He just wanted to let him know that he had been right all along and that he finally wanted to change for the better and do the right thing.

 

“Because of the mistakes he made he wanted to make it up to me, so that’s why he handed in the fake X-rays. He just doesn’t understand why that is posing a problem not only for me, but for the rest of the team as well,” Wooyoung looked up into Yunho’s eyes. “I didn’t realize he would drag you into this, Yunho, so I told him that that was wrong and that I didn’t want you to risk your job or to be forced to do things you didn’t want to do.”

 

Wooyoung paused for a second, looking at his fingernails and fidgeting with them to stop himself from crying. “I realize how selfish I have been, Yunho.”

 

Yunho sighed. “I wouldn’t exactly call it selfish, because you put yourself in so much pain for the team and for your position in it. That wasn’t a selfish act.”

 

Wooyoung felt a tear roll down his cheek. “It hurts more to be put off the team than to break a rib.”

 

Yunho looked at him worried and it was obvious he felt sorry for him. He was silent for a while, until he turned around and went to grab a tissue from the kitchen counter. He gave it to Wooyoung and he gave Yunho a half smile. “You know you can talk about these things with me too, right?”

 

Wooyoung dropped his head, he didn’t want Yunho to see him cry. He nodded his head.

 

“I know you have a lot of passion for the job and it is good that you want to give your all to protect the people. But you have to protect yourself too, otherwise you won’t be able to protect others.”

 

Wooyoung knew Yunho was right, but in his job he always forgot about himself as a person with needs and wishes. When he was in his uniform, when he was holding his gun, he became like a robot. He would follow orders and get the job done. Only when the gun was put away and he got out of his uniform he became Wooyoung again.

 

“I’m having a really hard time with that, Yunho,” Wooyoung admitted. “That’s why I have been such a brat and haven’t listened to you. But I want to change. I know I have to change.”

 

Yunho smiled. “You were only a little bit of a brat,” Yunho joked, to make the situation less tense. “But it’s good that you’re willing to change Wooyoung. And if I can help you with that, then I will.”

 

Wooyoung returned the smile and he wiped away his tears with the tissue. “I decided to hand in the X-rays. I… I will leave the job for as long as necessary. I hope you want to guide me in that,” Wooyoung was putting himself in a very vulnerable position, giving up his only security that was his job.

 

“You want to hand in the X-rays yourself?” Yunho looked at him curious. “I suggest you to have another X-ray made, because considering what happened the last few days and the fact that you’re not breathing well can mean that you have had some other complications. On a new X-ray we will be able to see the pleural effusion well, which will also be necessary to have the drain placed on your body.”

 

Wooyoung nodded. “How long will that take to get a new X-ray done?”

 

“I had your name on the watchlist at the hospital. At least I took that liberty before everything went down. I can call them up and tell them I have a policeman who needs an X-ray urgently.”

 

Wooyoung was surprised that Yunho had done that. He might have been San’s inferior, he didn’t let him treat him in that way.

 

Yunho moved forward. “Can I still see what you are dealing with right now? Because you told me you weren’t breathing well last night,” Yunho tugged at his shirt, telling him he needed to remove it so he could inspect him. Wooyoung raised his arms so Yunho could remove his shirt for him.

 

“Yeah, I woke up in the middle of the night and I suddenly felt like I was choking. My throat was tight and I could only take very short, shallow breaths,” Wooyoung explained. Yunho looked at him worried. He gestured for Wooyoung to stand up.

 

“I’m going to touch you now, sorry if it hurts,” Yunho said before he started to feel around his wound. “How is your breathing now?”

 

Wooyoung cringed a bit as Yunho felt between his ribs again. “It’s still shallow but I can breathe.”

 

Yunho felt a bit more and then he leaned back and he went to sit back down on the chair. He seemed like he was thinking for a second and then he made up his mind. “Okay, I’m going to call the hospital now, because that catheter really needs to be placed soon. We should’ve done it yesterday.” He grabbed his phone from his pocket.

 

Wooyoung looked at him worriedly. Was it so urgent? Yes, he had been in pain when he left San’s house and when he took the cab home. He didn’t even remember the cab ride that well, because he was so dizzy from not being able to breathe well that it went black in front of his eyes. When he was finally home, he had been able to calm himself down enough to get a normal breathing pattern back. He was glad that he had messaged Yunho now that he heard him talking on the phone and telling the assistant that he had an urgent patient.

 

After confirming a time when they could be at the hospital, Yunho hung up the phone. “So the catheter is going to placed today as well?” Wooyoung asked nervously.

 

“Yes,” Yunho said, eyeing him. “But you don’t have to worry about that. They will give you local anaesthesia and they have better equipment than me.”

 

Wooyoung nodded slowly. It finally started to sink in that this was actually happening and that he was finally doing what needed to be done all along.

 

“I’m glad you came to me Wooyoung,” Yunho put a hand on his knee. “I… I know how hard it is for you to hurt San by making a complaint against him, but it needs to be done,” he paused and gave Wooyoung a smile. “It’s for the better.”  

 

 

 

Wooyoung drove up the parking lot at the station and the nerves were making his heart race. He was here to see San, but it would be so different than any of their other meetings they had had before. This time, the roles would be reversed. It made Wooyoung weak in the knees nonetheless.

 

He opened the door of his car, stepping outside carefully with the packet of papers in his hands. He felt the tubes at the side of his body moving around and the place where the tubes entered his body started itching. The day before, he and Yunho went to the hospital and they had made a new X-ray of his chest. The result had been worrying. When he looked at Yunho’s face as the X-ray was being placed on the light board, he knew that something was up. The doctor told Yunho what he already knew: his chest had been filled up with liquid, starting to press on fatal organs and if they had only come a day later, Wooyoung could have had a heart attack. He saw how Yunho’s face went white as he realized the risk he had been taking with Wooyoung. But it wasn’t Yunho’s fault and that was why he was here today.

 

In his arms he was holding the file with the results of the new X-rays. He had told Yunho he was going to hand in the X-rays to the police department, but that was not his entire plan. He had planned something else as well, that would help him to finally solve his problems with San.

 

Today Wooyoung was going to ask San to make the greatest sacrifice.

 

He had messaged San, he had told him he was going to come to the job today because he needed to talk to him. San had suggested to come to him, but Wooyoung told him that wouldn’t be a good idea. Let’s meet on equal grounds, he texted him. San had not argued with him, because he was probably taking aback by Wooyoung’s message.

 

Wooyoung opened the door of the building, the one he had walked through so many times. He realized he wouldn’t be entering this building for a long, long time. Yunho had already alluded to the duration of his leave. It was going to be more than two months, that was what he knew for sure. There was no reason to be mad about it anymore, because he had brought it onto himself. He knew that he had to submit, because he needed to work on himself. There were clearly some issues he needed to work out and his injury forced him to do that.

 

He walked through the corridors and he saw Yeosang walking towards him. His eyes went big and he stopped walking. Wooyoung saw him, but he wasn’t bothered by him. All the things that happened, it didn’t matter anymore. He walked past him without addressing him.

 

Wooyoung knocked on the door of San’s office. The door creaked open and when San saw him, he dropped his shoulders and looked at him nervously.

 

“Come on in,” he said. He closed the door behind Wooyoung and then he went to step back to lean against his desk.

 

“Please sit down,” Wooyoung said. San turned around and went to sit in his chair. His face turned serious, anticipating what Wooyoung was about to do.

 

Wooyoung went to sit down in the chair in front of his desk. He dropped the papers on the desk in front of San.

 

“I want you to hand in the real X-rays this time,” Wooyoung said, looking up into San’s eyes.

 

San’s face changed. His cheeks went red and he saw the panic in his eyes. “Why!?” San said abashed. He grabbed the papers roughly and went through them to see the new X-ray.

 

“You’re going to hand in the real X-rays to the police department. You’re going to tell them you handed in fake X-rays and you’re going to face the consequences of that.”

 

San dropped the papers and weaved his fingers through his hair astonished. “But that doesn’t make sense Wooyoung! It would cost both mine and your job!”

 

Wooyoung leaned back. He saw how San was about to have a breakdown and he wandered if he was going to hit him. “I have already accepted that it will cost my job. I have to change San, and you need to change too.”

 

“Change? Why? I did this for you Wooyoung, I did it because you asked me too goddammit!” He shouted and slammed his fist on the table. It was clear that he was panicking.

 

“I know I asked you to do it San. And I realize that was wrong of me to do,” Wooyoung tried to keep his voice low. “But I see no other way San. I saw how you lied to the police department without batting an eye and you pressured Yunho into lying as well and it worries me. It makes me wonder if you lie to me as well.”

 

San put a hand to his forehead and sighed. “I don’t lie to you Wooyoung, I never did. I explained why I did the things I did and I’m sorry for that,” San leaned forward, placing his hands in front of him. “I would never lie to you Wooyoung.”

 

“There’s only one way I can be sure of that San,” Wooyoung said, lowering his eyes. “Either my job is a lie or your love for me is a lie. You make the choice.” He looked up into San’s eyes. He saw pure desperation in them.

 

“I cannot live with both lies,” Wooyoung said after San stayed silent. “I want to clean the mess I have made. Now there are two ways this can go. I will make the necessary sacrifice that I have to make either way. I will go to the police department and I will hand in these X-ray’s. It will mean that you and I will be done and we will each go our own way,” Wooyoung said and San’s eyes went big as he listened to his proposal. “Or, you will show me what I mean to you. I know that you have bad tendencies just like me and I don’t want our relationship to be built on that. If we are ever going to be together, you need to make a sacrifice as well.”

 

Wooyoung eyed San’s reaction and he waited for the final blow. “If you really love me, you would make the ultimate sacrifice for me. You told me that you would give up your job for me,” Wooyoung eyed the papers on the table. “So do it.”

 

He saw that San was thinking as his eyes were darting over the papers. His mind was in overdrive as he tried to think of a way out. “But it makes no sense, Wooyoung.”

 

His words hit him like a gunshot to the heart. He tried to disguise how hurt he was. “It makes no sense. But love is not supposed to make sense.”

 

He needed to leave now. It was now up to San, he had said everything that he needed to say. He had given San a choice and even though it was one of the hardest choices he would ever have to make, Wooyoung knew that this needed to be done. The team was suffering under their problems and he had to think of them as well. San wasn’t good for this team and he would make it worse if they continued on like this.

 

Wooyoung stood up and grabbed his stuff with shaking hands. He pointed at the papers in front of San. “I’ll give you a week to make a decision. After that I will go to the police department myself and I will disappear from your life.”

 

San stood up and he tried to say something but nothing came out. Wooyoung walked to the door and before he left he said one final thing. “I want to see your true intentions for once in my life.”

 

 

 

 

It had been three days since he had spoken with San. He hadn’t called him, he hadn’t messaged him, he didn’t even tell Seonghwa or Yunho to give him a message.

 

The first day had been okay. He imagined that San needed some time, at least a day to accept his fate. But the second day San still hadn’t contacted him and he hadn’t heard anything from the police department either. He began to realize that San wasn’t willing to make the sacrifice which could only mean one thing… He didn’t love him.

 

He cried himself to sleep. He would have a pounding headache at the end of the night and he would take the highest doses of painkillers. Yunho had given him half a strip of morphine and he tried to stay away from it, but the third night he needed to numb his senses. He took the morphine pills, closed the curtains even if it was still light out and he locked himself in his bedroom.

 

Yunho came by once and Seonghwa had joined him as well. When Seonghwa saw the state he was in, he told Yunho that he’d be staying over for dinner. Yunho had been concerned when he saw Wooyoung. He hadn’t washed himself or put on different clothing from the last time he had seen him which was three days prior. He smelled bad, mostly because his wound had started leaking as well. Yunho agreed immediately when Seonghwa proposed to stay over, because someone needed to look after Wooyoung.

 

“What are you doing to yourself Wooyoung,” Seonghwa asked him sadly as he sat beside him on the couch. He had forced him to go to the living room and not return to his bed immediately. “He isn’t worth it. He doesn’t deserve your tears.”

 

“I know, Seonghwa. I know,” Wooyoung stared in front of him, looking at the tv but not really seeing it.

 

“What did you tell him? He has been a wreck the past few days. He seems drunk, yet isn’t, it seems like he hasn’t slept in days. I don’t care about his wellbeing, but something happened between the two of you,” Seonghwa made sure to let Wooyoung know he hated San. But that didn’t make Wooyoung feel any better.

 

“I told him to hand in the real X-rays I made together with Yunho. It would cost him his job, but he told me he would risk losing his job for me,” Wooyoung said.  

 

Seonghwa looked at Wooyoung in surprise. “You asked him to do what?”

 

Wooyoung looked up at Seonghwa, taken aback. “You guys wanted me to report him!”

 

“Yes we do want you to do that,” Seonghwa tried to put him at ease. “But what makes you think he would give up his job for you?”

 

Seonghwa regretted saying it immediately after he said it. There were already tears rolling down Wooyoung’s cheeks. “I said that if he really loves me, he would do it. But he doesn’t love me.”

 

Seonghwa moved closer and embraced him. Wooyoung sniffed and buried his head in the crook of Seonghwa’s neck. “I’m sorry Wooyoung. I didn’t know it was that bad.”

 

Wooyoung hated that he had to cry over San. He didn’t understand why he liked him so much, considering all the questionable things he had done. Even more, San brought out the worst in him and he was feeding his dirty and dangerous obsessions. Why did it have to be him?

 

“Did he tell you why he didn’t want to hand in the X-rays?” Seonghwa asked.

 

“No,” Wooyoung said in between sniffs. “I said that if he doesn’t hand them in, I will do it and we would be over. But he just kept arguing with me that it was not a good idea. I told him he had two choices, that he has a week to think. I think he is deciding to leave me.”

 

“It’s a good thing Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said. “You are taking control of the situation, instead of letting him decide everything. If he thinks that he can do whatever he wants, because he is the commander, then he is wrong. Don’t let him toy with you, you are so much better than that.” Seonghwa leaned back and he brought a hand up to Wooyoung’s face. He wiped his thumb under Wooyoung’s eye, wiping away his tears. Wooyoung was surprised by the action.

 

“I already let him toy with me. I have already lost my dignity with him. If he lets me hand in the X-rays I will lose, because it means that he will lie his way out of it in another way,” Wooyoung said.

 

Seonghwa scrunched up his nose. “Maybe he will. But remember one thing, I got your back. Yunho does as well. He will not be our commander after this if he keeps on lying.”

 

Wooyoung brought a hand up to his face to wipe away his tears. “I just wish it would’ve been different.”

 

Seonghwa embraced him again. “I know Wooyoung. Loving someone hurts. Trust me I know.”

 

Wooyoung didn’t know what that meant, but it didn’t matter right now. He was glad he had Seonghwa as a friend, because despite everything that happened, he had been by his side. And he knew that he would be there for him during the difficult times that were going to come.

 

 

 

 

Wooyoung was driving into town. He had been locked up in his apartment for far too long and he couldn’t handle it anymore. He decided he needed to pick things up again if he ever wanted to start anew. One way of doing that was taking care of himself again. He had to wash himself, wear clean clothes and he needed to cook for himself. There was no food left in his house, so he had to go out to the shops to get something, even if it was already night. Normally he hated shopping, but today he was glad he had something on his hands, something to distract himself with.

 

At the grocery store he bought ingredients to make a soup for a few days. He needed vitamins and minerals so he could strengthen his body again, so he bought a bunch of greens and also decided to buy some juice. Even if he couldn’t take showers because of the catheter, he bought some shampoo so he could at least wash his hair. It was going to be a struggle to do so, but that would be another thing to distract himself with.

 

When he walked out of the store, the street had become busy. There were many people out, because it was a Saturday. He heard sirens coming from a few streets away. He had to walk through the crowd slowly to get to his car.

 

He felt his phone buzz in his pants. When he reached his car, it buzzed again and again. He opened the back door to place his groceries in the back seat of the car. As he closed the door, he realized that he heard another siren and it was quite close. Something must be up, he thought, if there were more sirens that meant that there was usually a big accident. He went to walk around the car and then sat down behind the wheel.

 

He felt his phone buzz again, so he pulled his phone free from his pocket to see what was going on. On his screen he saw that he had gotten multiple messages in their special police app. He opened it and read the messages.

 

_There has been an attack. All police officers follow orders._

Wooyoung’s heart started pounding faster. He read the next messages.

 

_Place: Fire club in Gangnam. Suspect: multiple suspects with machine guns. People are trapped inside the club, some are injured._

 

_All special forces in the Gangnam area, report to this warehouse: Kim Hongmin Hardware Store. Further instructions are given there._

Wooyoung felt his breathing become quicker and it felt like he was starting to have a panic attack. He threw his phone on the passenger seat and closed his eyes. Breathe, he thought, in through your nose out through your mouth. Breathe.

 

It took him maybe half a minute to decide what he needed to do. He grabbed his phone again and looked at the information that was given. The _Fire_ club was a club he knew was close by. He was in the Gangnam area and he knew the club was just two blocks away from his current position. The hardware store that was mentioned, he didn’t recognize. He typed in the store into Google Maps and saw that it was on the other side of the club, maybe 10 to 15 minutes away considering the traffic.  

 

If he went to the warehouse first, he would be delayed and the suspects would have more time to shoot and injure people. If he went to the alley behind the club, he would be able to put on his gear and grab his gun and enter the building from the back side. It was an enormous risk and extremely dangerous, but he was a police man. He needed to do this.

 

Wooyoung: _I’m close by. I’ll go to the club right now._

He put his key in the ignition and drove onto the road, honking so people would give him a free passage. People looked confused, but luckily they made room for him. He knew he had to take a right here, then a left and then he would drive straight towards the alleyway. As he made the right turn, he finally had room to step on the gas and so he did. He took the left turn, had to wait for people passing by and then drove straight into the alleyway. He drove up the alley until he was behind a big dumpster and he shut down the car. He grabbed his phone.

 

Mingi: _Wooyoung don’t do that. We are on our way from the warehouse._

 

San: _NO_

 

San: _No Wooyoung_

 

San: _DON’T_

Wooyoung threw his phone on the dashboard and he removed his jacket. He grabbed his phone again and typed a message.

 

Wooyoung: _I’m equipped. Give me instructions through the microphone._

Wooyoung took a deep breath. In the back of his truck was all his gear. He had to act quick, so that no one would notice his presence before he entered the building that was just 50 meters down the alleyway.

 

Seonghwa: _It’s a suicide mission Wooyoung._

 

Wooyoung pushed his phone into his pocket. He opened the door and stepped out of the car. He looked around him and was glad that he didn’t see anyone in the alley. He walked around the car to open his trunk. Alright, he thought, let’s do this. He removed his belt and found the tactical belt to put around his waist. He grabbed the leg holster and attached it to his belt and around his leg. He opened the box that held his guns and he slid his gun in the holster carefully. He grabbed a few magazines of ammunition and slid them in the pockets of his holster. He put on his bullet vest which weighed down annoyingly over his chest, moving around the tubes in an uncomfortable way. But there was no time to think about that. He grabbed his jacket and his gloves and put them on quickly but securely. He grabbed his ski mask and put it on. He checked if his rifle was filled with ammunition and he grabbed a few more magazines that he put in his belt. He threw the sling of his rifle over his head and then grabbed the last thing he needed, which was his helmet. He put it on and turned on his night vision goggles. He put away some of the random items lying in his trunk and then closed the door. He pushed a button on his helmet to activate the microphone.

 

“Officer Jung Wooyoung checking in, over,” he said into the mic. He pulled the sling of the rifle over his head and held the rifle close to him, inspecting if it was correctly loaded and ready to be used.

 

“Wooyoung what is your position,” he heard San’s voice through the transmitter. He sounded calmer.

 

“I’m at the back of the building, I am walking towards it now. Confirm if there is a back door,” Wooyoung spoke into the mic. He saw the tall building of the club appearing in front of him through the night vision goggles. He had been here before and he recognized the area, but seeing it through infrared made the building look strange and big.  

 

“There is a back door. We are in the front about to get in,” San spoke quick and urgent. “Wait for my permission to go in.”

 

Wooyoung went closer towards the building, walking closely to the wall to avoid being seen by anyone. He finally saw the EXIT sign above the back door and went to squat behind a dumpster that was just in front of it across the street. There he waited for further instructions from San.

 

So he had changed his mind in those few minutes when he drove down here. He realised that there was no point in stopping Wooyoung, because when it came down to it, he would take on any mission like it was his last.

 

“We will enter the building in 30 seconds. You follow after us after a minute,” he heard San say through the transmitter. “They are everywhere in the building, wearing black with masks on. They have machine guns. Take no chances Wooyoung.”

 

Wooyoung swallowed. “I won’t.”

 

“Good. Men, in position. Countdown from 5, 4, 3, 2, 1-” he heard San countdown till the bust down and then heard faint screaming noises and gunshots. His heart was pounding out of his chest and he counted 60 seconds in his head. It seemed to take forever until he was at 60, hearing all the noises coming from the building. At 50 he stood up and walked to the door to feel it carefully. He breathed out through his mouth when he felt the door was unlocked. He counted the last few numbers out loud.

 

“3, 2, 1- I’m going in,” Wooyoung opened the door and held his gun in front of him immediately. He wasn’t quite sure what he saw, until he noticed the kegs of beer standing in a row against the wall. He was in the storage room of the club where they stored their beer and other drinks. There was a staircase in front of him and in the back he saw a door. He heard screaming coming from the door and he realized the gunmen were out there.

 

“I’m going upstairs, aim from above,” Wooyoung said through his microphone and he bolted up the stairs. He had been to this club before and he knew that it had a balcony section which looked out onto the dancefloor. He was not entirely sure if this staircase led to that balcony, but it couldn’t be far away from the balcony.

 

There was no response from the transmitter and he wondered what was going on downstairs as he went up another stairs. He ran into a door and he opened it carefully. There was an empty corridor behind it that led down to another door and above it there were the words ‘DJ booth’. That’s where he needed to be.

 

When he opened the door, he was met with an awful mixture of sounds. The first sound that he noticed was the wailing sound of a woman that was screaming and crying for help. Her cries were so loud in his ears that that was the only thing he heard for a while. Then he heard the gunshots, the shouting of his colleagues and the general chaos of people screaming for help. Wooyoung looked in front of him and saw the turntables of the DJ to the left and some chairs to the right. He scanned the space for any of the shooters and then he noticed a man sitting beneath the turntables. He was shaking severely and looking up at Wooyoung afraid. He saw how he was clutching his shoulder. He had been hit.

 

Wooyoung didn’t pay him any further attention and continued to move into the space crouched down with his rifle raised. There was a bridge that was hanging over the dancefloor that led to the balcony. He needed to cross it so he could have a better view of the dancefloor and have a safer position to shoot from. As he went towards the bridge however, a person suddenly appeared in his field of vision.

 

Wooyoung shot his rifle, aiming at the man’s chest. Wooyoung was lucky, the man hadn’t noticed him yet. He was holding a machine gun and had he seen him before he saw him, he would have been dead right now. He didn’t have a chance to shoot him and instead he fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes, lifeless and oozing with blood. Wooyoung approached the body and he kicked it to see if there was any life in him. Just to be sure, he put his rifle to his head and he shot him again, making his head explode. He could see how his skull shattered, how his brain started leaking out and how the blood pooled around his head.

 

Wooyoung’s heart started pounding slower. The shooter was dead. “One suspect down,” Wooyoung reported through his microphone.

 

“Where are you!?” He heard San shouting through the transmitter.

 

Wooyoung duck down to approach the bridge. He couldn’t see the dancefloor yet from his position, so he had to move a bit closer to the bridge to see past the DJ booth. “I’m at the DJ booth, ready to cross the bridge to the balcony,” Wooyoung said as he peered down past the DJ booth while aiming his rifle. He couldn’t see the dancefloor well from this angle, he only saw flashing blue lights that came from the disco lights from the ceiling. He saw people, but it wasn’t clear what state they were in. Whether they were alive or dead.

 

“Wait,” San said. Wooyoung did so. He tried to scan the room from his position, dragging his rifle from one point to the other.

 

“Okay you can move out but quickly,” San said. Wooyoung went to walk towards the bridge, looked around and then he sprinted over the bridge towards the balcony. He heard gunshots and people started screaming. He threw himself against the back of the wall when he reached the balcony and crouched down between a group of people that were seated there.

 

He scanned the balcony and there were several people sitting on the ground or lying down. He noticed that there was one person lying on the ground that had been shot in the stomach and he was convulsing with pain. Someone sat next to him and pressed down onto the wound and he looked at Wooyoung, mouthing to him that they needed help. Wooyoung shook his head. He couldn’t help right now. He needed to take out the shooters before he could do anything else.

 

“There are multiple shooters downstairs, I think I saw five of them in total,” a man that was seated next to him leaned towards him and whispered to him. “I saw you shot one of them. I haven’t seen another one come up here, but he came through that door,” the man pointed towards a door behind him, that was at the other side of the balcony.

 

“Okay,” Wooyoung said, scanning the room again to assess the situation. “Everyone here needs to stay close to the ground and make as little noise as possible. Act dead if necessary. Try to make that man to stop screaming,” Wooyoung pointed at the man that was groaning from the pain. The man looked at Wooyoung alarmed, but he nodded soon after.

 

“The balcony is clear I’m going downstairs,” Wooyoung said through the transmitter.

 

“WAIT,” he heard San screaming over the transmitter. “It’s too dangerous Wooyoung. Yeosang is inside we can’t reach him. The team is not in the building, they are circling the building, we have no idea what is going on downstairs. You have to wait there!”

 

That didn’t sound good. Wooyoung looked around him. The balcony was filled with some tables and chairs and way up in the front he could see barriers he could peek through. If he lowered himself enough, he could aim his rifle through the bars at the dancefloor. It would be risky, he had no idea if he could be seen and considering the noise he heard downstairs and the gunshots that were still going on it could potentially be a fatal move. However, if none of his other team members was downstairs it would be a greater risk to go downstairs.

 

“Where is Yeosang,” Wooyoung asked.

 

“He is inside, he’s not responding. We’re hoping this is because he’s hiding,” San said.

 

 _He’s not responding_. It was a risk moving forward to the barrier, but he needed to take it so he could eliminate the gunmen.

 

“Everyone is outside the building?” Wooyoung inquired.

 

“Yes. It became too risky, Wooyoung, they all have machine guns,” he heard the panic in his voice.

 

“I’m going to do what I can San,” Wooyoung said. He had to give his all now. “I’m sorry,” it was Wooyoung’s way of letting San know that he wasn’t going to respond anymore. He had to focus.

 

He ushered the people around him to stay as quiet as possible as he slowly moved forward in a squatted position. Passing the little booths at the side where people were hiding under the tables, he saw that the barriers were very low and that he would easily be seen if he continued on like this. He placed the rifle in front of him and he went to lie down on the ground. He grabbed the rifle in one hand and with the other he pushed himself forward as he crawled towards the barrier. He suddenly heard how the crowd was starting to become silent. The gunshots became less, they sounded more pointed.

 

Wooyoung finally reached the barrier and carefully he perched himself on his elbows. He placed his rifle on the barrier through the bars. Positioning himself, he could look out onto the dancefloor. There were people scattered on the floor. They looked like dummies that were thrown on the ground with force. They had gunshot wounds in their body, one woman clearly had been mowed down as her entire back was soaked with blood. Then he saw a man in black walking around with a rifle in his hands.

 

Wooyoung waited. He was sure the man hadn’t seen him, so he waited to see if there were other gunmen on the dancefloor. He heard the man shout to someone, but Wooyoung couldn’t see who it was. The man suddenly raised his rifle and aimed at something in the back. His gun went off, shooting multiple bullets in someone’s body as he heard people starting to scream again.

 

There was another gunman, but where was he? Was he still in the same space as the dancefloor or was he in another room? Wooyoung turned his head as far to the left as he could to look at the back of the dancefloor where the bars were. With his night vision goggles he could see bodies lying on the floor, some of them moving, some of them lifeless. He noticed bodies near the walls and behind the bar who were clearly in hiding. He had to find someone who was standing up straight and holding a gun in front of his body. He heard a gunshot again and then someone appeared at the door at the back of the club, strutting confidently with his gun aimed at the crowd.

 

Wooyoung took one look at the other gunman who was still at the other end of the dancefloor and then he positioned his rifle to aim at the man that had entered the club. He was wearing a helmet and he could see he was wearing tactical gear. Wooyoung fumbled with his helmet to turn of the night vision goggles, because he needed to be sure it was not one of his colleagues. His vision changed significantly and he had to focus to aim at the man who was clearly not one of his team even though he could pass for one. He aimed at his neck and he placed his finger on the trigger, making sure to take his time, to wait until he was standing still. Until that moment came he had to lower his breathing. He needed to act quick, because he would have to shoot the other man right away and that required for him to adjust his position or stand up.

 

He saw the man fidgeting with his pocket to grab new ammunition. Wooyoung waited no longer and he shot the man. He saw him dropping the magazine and clawing at his neck. Wooyoung rolled on his back to change his position quickly and he searched for the other gunman that was now shooting around him in a frenzy. He couldn’t see him and Wooyoung felt himself panic. Fuck! Where was he!? Wooyoung pulled back, forcing himself on his knees and he peered over the barrier with his rifle held high. He saw the man but he saw him as well. Wooyoung let himself drop to the ground again. He heard the gunshots travel over his head. It continued for quite a while and Wooyoung saw no possibly of standing up. He had to wait until there were no gunshots anymore so he could look through the bars and see where the man was at. Finally the shower of bullets ended and Wooyoung looked through the bars, only to realize the man had disappeared.

 

He realized quick enough that he was going to come up here. Wooyoung crawled to the back of the balcony towards the door. Halfway he stood up and he ran towards the door, opening it and holding his rifle in front of him. He saw a steel staircase that went down almost vertically. He knew that if the man was going to come, he was going to come up this stairs. So he waited, aiming his rifle at the staircase in anticipation. He heard San shouting in his ear, but he wasn’t hearing him. He was able to completely shut him out. He felt how his breathing was even, how it was slow. The moment the man would appear, Wooyoung knew he would be quicker.

 

Wooyoung heard gunshots bang against the steel of the staircase. He peered down, but he couldn’t see the man. He waited, knowing that if he shot his rifle the man would know he’d be here. The machine gun stopped spraying bullets and that was when Wooyoung took his chance.

 

He jumped in front of the staircase and pulled the trigger what seemed like over ten times, but in reality it was just three times. He jumped down the staircase to find the man he had gunned down at the bottom of the stairs. He jumped on his chest, pushing the man to the ground with the force of his foot and kicking the machine gun out of his hands with his other foot. The man was wearing a ski mask and he saw his eyes growing big. He aimed his rifle at his head, placing the end of the barrel in the centre of his head.

 

“NO! PLEASE NO! I SURRENDER I SURR-” the man was begging and putting his hands up to show he was surrendering. But before the man could finish what he was saying, Wooyoung pulled the trigger, two, three, four times. He had to make sure the man was dead. Wooyoung dropped the empty magazine and grabbed a new magazine from his belt that he quickly inserted in his rifle.

 

“WOOYOUNG THEY ARE OUT THERE. THEY ARE ALL ON THE DANCEFLOOR. WOOYOUNG,” Wooyoung finally heard San’s endless cries come through as he came down from the high of killing the gunman. He looked around him and noticed that there was just one wall separating him from the main dancefloor of the club.

 

“I killed two of them, I’ll kill the rest, I’M GOING IN NOW.”

 

Wooyoung saw no point in waiting any longer. He was on a streak, he felt amazing and he knew he was able to do this. He was invincible.

 

“WOOYOUNG NO! WOOYOUNG PLEASE DON’T- DON’T” Wooyoung moved around the corner and held his rifle high. It felt like things were started to go in slow motion as he mowed the place down, shooting everyone in his vision that was holding a gun and was wearing black. He pulled the trigger again and again and it amazed him how many times he hit their bodies, how many bullets were not wasted. He changed the magazine quick and swift as he jumped over bodies and moved through the room finding cover where necessary. There were two men in the back and he knew he had to act quick as he swerved around a corner to discharge his rifle on them. He hit one of them twice in the chest, until he felt a bullet hit his body at his shoulder and he bounced back. The shot forced him back and the pain was instantly felt. It took him two seconds to recover before he aimed his rifle at the last man that was standing and he emptied his gun on him.

 

There was shouting in his ear. There were noise, there was chaos. Wooyoung stared down at the men he had killed. Wooyoung turned around and he looked around the room at the bodies that covered the floor. He stepped over them carefully, scanning the room for any other gunmen. He checked every corner and he checked every body on the floor if the person was carrying a gun. People looked up at him with terror in their eyes and some of them were crying for his help. He ignored them until finally he found a man lying on the floor, who was choking on his own blood.

 

It was the man he had shot from the balcony. He had shot him in his neck, thinking he would be dead after that. However, he was lying in front of him, his hands clawing at his neck and blood leaking from his mouth. Wooyoung lowered himself next to him, staring in the man’s eyes as the man looked up at him petrified. Wooyoung swung his rifle over his back and he carefully grabbed his gun from his holster. The man pulled one hand free from his neck to push Wooyoung’s gun away, but his hands were so slippery with blood that he was failing to do so. Wooyoung grinned, enjoying seeing the man struggle. He played with the man, letting him push away the gun again and again, but seeing him fail to do so every time. Eventually he gave up and he dropped his head on the ground. Wooyoung moved forward, pushed his knee on his chest and he positioned his gun under his chin. He inhaled deeply and then he pulled the trigger.

 

The blood sprayed out of him like a fountain, hitting the visor of his helmet and colouring his world in red. For a moment he couldn’t see anything and his vision was only red as he tried to wipe the visor clean with his hand. He stood up and decided he just had to remove his helmet. Shaking lightly, feeling the rush of the moment, he removed his ski-mask that was sticking to his face. It felt liberating to finally be able to breathe freely. He pushed his hair back and wiped his mouth clean with the back of his hand only to realize he was covering his face with blood. It was then that he noticed San.

 

Wooyoung looked up to see San standing in the doorway, his gun held high in front of him and his chest moving up and down as he was breathing heavily. Wooyoung looked into his eyes and he saw the excitement in them, he saw the pride in them. The adrenalin rush finally hit Wooyoung with full force and he started to breathe heavier, staring into San’s eyes as he felt the excitement of the rush.

 

But it was short-lived. San’s expression changed and he looked down at Wooyoung’s feet. Wooyoung jumped back but it was too late. With an incredible force, Wooyoung felt his body being thrown to the other side of the room and he hit an object with his back. Then it went black in front of his eyes.

 

 

 

 

The fact that he couldn’t breathe woke him up immediately.

 

“YUNHO DO SOMETHING,” he saw San’s face swimming in front of his eyes and next to him were all different kinds of faces that he didn’t recognize. He tried to breathe but nothing happened, his chest didn’t move, he was just making spastic movements.

 

“He is going to die!” San was crying, he could hear it loud and clearly in his ears and it worried him. He felt hands moving all over his body and people were ripping his clothes apart. Someone pressed down on his leg and he felt the worst pain he had ever felt.

 

“Do something! Don’t let him die, please, he cannot die, Yunho please-” his body was convulsing, but hearing San’s cries made him want to reach out for him, to search for his hand. Instead his hands just moved in all types of strange directions as he felt cramps in them. Somehow, he felt the faint touch of San grabbing his hand.

 

“He’s going out. He’s going to have a seizure. Remove the bullet vest NOW!” it was Yunho’s voice.

 

His body was tossed around like a dummy. He felt how the bullet vest was ripped loose from his body and then the shirt that he wore underneath was ripped apart. Wooyoung noticed how Yunho appeared in his field of vision and he was holding a large needle in his hand. With force, he brought the needle down on his chest. He blacked out.  

 

 

 

 

Faintly, he could hear a beeping sound. He tried to move, but he couldn’t. He could only move around his fingertips and beneath he felt a soft fabric. The beeping sounds continued and he tried to discern where it came from. He managed to open his eyes slightly and he saw that he was lying in a bed. At his feet, he saw San. He was sitting on a chair and had his arms crossed in front of him on the bed with his face resting on them. He was sleeping. Wooyoung wanted to move forward, he wanted to talk to him and let him know he was awake, but soon his body gave in again and he slipped away.

 

When he woke up the next time, it felt like he had slept for an eternity. He was happy when he noticed he could move his arms, but at the same time he felt the pain throughout his body. He looked around the room and he noticed he was in a hospital, lying in a hospital bed. There was one other person across from him and they were drinking from a straw. He pointed at him when they locked eyes.

 

“Wooyoung,” Wooyoung looked to his side to see that Seonghwa was seated beside his bed. He stood up and he walked towards Wooyoung, placing his hands over his.

 

“You’re finally awake,” Seonghwa said. Wooyoung noticed the dark circles under his eyes. “How do you feel? Do you need anything?”

 

Wooyoung got confused by his question. Did he need anything? He thought about it for a second and then he realized he was thirsty. “Water,” he croaked. His throat felt extremely sore.

 

“Okay,” Seonghwa gave him half a smile. “I’ll be right back, I’m right around the corner.”

 

Wooyoung watched as Seonghwa walked away from his bed and disappeared around the corner of the room. He noticed how his legs were raised high, but they were covered with thick blankets. Wooyoung tried to move them, but he couldn’t. He didn’t feel anything. He jerked his head around, trying to see why he couldn’t move his right arm and then he saw the bandage around his chest.

A small panic overcame him just as Seonghwa returned. Seonghwa saw and he hurried towards him. He placed the glass of water on the bedside table.

 

“What is it Wooyoung?” Seonghwa asked worried, stroking his hair as he saw the tears pricking in his eyes.

 

“Did I get hit? Why- Why does my chest look like this,” Wooyoung pointed to the bandage.

 

Seonghwa sat down on the bed beside him and he went to grab Wooyoung’s hand. “You were shot in your shoulder Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said through a fake smile. “Your shoulder had to be relocated, but the bone shattered because of the bullet wound. They placed a metal-pin while you were out.”

 

Wooyoung looked at him in horror. “How long have I been out?” he asked afraid.

 

“Three days. Almost four,” Seonghwa stroke his hand lovingly, trying to calm Wooyoung down. “Do you want water?” He tried to change the subject, but Wooyoung shook his head.

 

“What… What happened to my legs?” Wooyoung asked almost soundlessly.

 

Seonghwa lowered his eyes. “Let’s not talk about that now Wooyoung. Have some water, we’ll talk about it later,” Seonghwa went to grab the water, but to his surprise Wooyoung angrily hit it out his hands.

 

“SEONGHWA. What happened to my legs?” He was screaming, but the tears were already rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t want to know, but he knew what it meant if his legs were shattered. What it meant was that he had lost his job for good. He would have to go through life being disabled. Knowing this, he was overcome with panic.

 

Seonghwa stepped back, looking at the shattered glass on the ground. He sighed, bringing his hands up to his face and weaving his hair back. “I’m sorry Wooyoung,” he said as he stepped towards the bed and pulled back the covers. “A grenade went off and you stood next to it. You were thrown against the wall and in your fall your leg broke.”

 

Wooyoung brought a hand to his face and gasped for air. He saw that his entire left leg was wrapped in a brace. There were metal pins sticking out from his knee and his calf. From the tip of his toe up to his thigh his leg was covered in black and blue bruises.

 

Seonghwa pulled the covers back. “It’s not as bad as it looks Wooyoung, I talked with the doctor and he told me you could walk again.”

 

Wooyoung felt tears streaming down his face. “When will I walk again? It will take forever to heal Seonghwa. What about running? I won’t be able to run right, I won’t ever be able to walk normally again I-” he broke down and started sobbing. He covered his mouth with his hand to try to stop himself from crying but there was no point.

 

Wooyoung saw the worried look on Seonghwa’s face and the tears that were pricking behind his eyes. He leaned over Wooyoung to hug him and Wooyoung brought his arm around Seonghwa’s shoulder. He heard Seonghwa crying in his ear as he kept repeating that he was sorry.

 

“I know how much it means to you. I know. I wish I could be in your place, I wish it was me in that bed,” Seonghwa said through hiccups, weaving his fingers through Wooyoung’s hair.

 

“No,” Wooyoung exclaimed. He pushed Seonghwa back. “No, Seonghwa, don’t say that. It’s not your fault I am lying here.”

 

Seonghwa leaned back onto the bed and with his eyes lowered he started fidgeting with his hands. He noticed the bandage that was wrapped around his left hand. “I… I could have done more. I was afraid. I was a coward. I should have had the courage you had.”

 

Wooyoung sniffed and he realized what Seonghwa was saying. He told him that the others hadn’t taken risks when it came to the attack, but why was he apologetic about it? Wasn’t he following orders and doing what was safest? What Wooyoung had done was reckless and dangerous. What he had done, only he could do. “No Seonghwa. I should have followed orders. But I… I was somewhere else in my head when I was holding that gun. I don’t know what happened, I lost control.”

 

Seonghwa shook his head and stared into Wooyoung’s eyes. “They are calling you a hero.”

 

The word shook Wooyoung. He? A hero? “Who is saying that? I’m not a hero, nor will I ever be.”

 

“They’re all saying it. The police, the victims,” Seonghwa said as he choked up. “They’re all saying it.”

 

“How am I a hero? I didn’t safe anyone… I didn’t safe… Him,” his voice broke as he said the words. Seonghwa searched his eyes. He grabbed Wooyoung’s hand.

 

“He’s not dead,” Seonghwa showed him a smile through his tears. “He’s not dead Wooyoung.”

 

 

 

 

Seonghwa had gone to get him a wheelchair. The hospital had several wheelchairs standing in the hallway, free to use for everyone. They had to call for a nurse, that had told them it wasn’t a good idea for Wooyoung to move around yet since the surgery of his shoulder and leg had been so fresh. Wooyoung had forced Seonghwa to negotiate with her. He needed to see Yeosang.

 

Eventually the nurse agreed and she and Seonghwa helped Wooyoung get in the wheelchair. It was the first time Wooyoung saw the entirety of his body. Even though he was wearing hospital robes, the parts of his body that he could see were entirely covered in bruises and what seemed like burn wounds. His body was literally broken and it embarrassment he felt as Seonghwa had to carry him out of the bed to put him in the wheelchair was almost unbearable. His leg had to be straight in front of him, so they attached an extension to the wheelchair that was made to hold his leg. Beside that, the nurse had made him a sling for his shoulder, so he wouldn’t put extra pressure on it.

 

Seonghwa had told him that Yeosang was brought to the intensive care after the day of the attack. He had no idea what happened to him, he could only remember what San had told him through the transmitter. _He is inside. He is not responding._ Then and even now it scared him to death. What had happened to him? Had he been shot? Seonghwa had reassured him that he was alive, so he needed to see him. He needed to see that he was really alive.

 

“There is no way I can prepare you for this Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said, as they waited for the elevator. He saw how his Adams apple bobbed up as he swallowed. “You will just have to see him.”

 

Wooyoung didn’t know what that meant. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what that meant. But it didn’t matter, because they were going to see him now anyway.

 

The lift doors opened and Seonghwa pushed Wooyoung into the hallway that led to the intensive care. He noticed how many staff there were on this floor, men and women clad in blue and green scrubs walking around with clipboards, tubes with blood, stethoscopes and other medical tools. There was a desk that Seonghwa led them to where two nurses sat behind computers.

 

“We’re here to see Kang Yeosang,” Seonghwa said. He felt around in his pocket and then retrieved his badge. “We’re his colleagues.”

 

The woman looked at his badge curiously and then nodded. Seonghwa put it back in his pocket. The woman scrolled with her mouse to find the file on her computer. “Let me see if you guys can see him,” she said and stood up to walk through the doors of the intensive care. A moment later she reappeared and signed for them to follow her. “You can come see him now.”

 

Seonghwa pushed Wooyoung’s wheelchair towards the door that the woman held open for them. As they went through the door, she told them that Yeosang was at the back of the room. Seonghwa nodded at her and he pushed Wooyoung through the room. It was busy: everywhere he looked he saw people in critical condition. Nurses were flying around to give patients attention. He saw people with neck braces, people with IVs that had blood bags hanging next to their bed and people with broken legs just like him. What would Yeosang look like?

 

They went through one more door as they finally arrived in a room where Yeosang was lying in a bed. Wooyoung was in shock when he saw him. As they moved closer he saw it. Yeosang had his eyes closed. There were tubes inserted in his mouth and his nose. There was a strap around his head that held everything in place and he had a small neck brace to keep his head in position. There was a loud machine standing next to his bed that seemed to be controlling his breathing. He wasn’t wearing anything, there were just sheets covered his chest. His arms were at his side and they were strapped to the bed. There were IVs in them.

 

Seonghwa was quiet for a while. He gave Wooyoung some time to let it sink in what he was seeing.

 

“What happened to him?” Wooyoung asked breathless.

 

“He got hit in his chest,” Seonghwa says as he walks around the bed to the other side. “He almost bled to death,” he stroke his head. “We gave him CPR. But when he arrived in the hospital it became apparent that he was in coma.”

 

Wooyoung looked at Seonghwa in disbelief. Yeosang was in a coma?

 

“We don’t know if or when he will wake up,” Seonghwa said. “But I come here every day to tell him that we need him. He can’t leave us.”

 

“I… I don’t know what to say,” Wooyoung said.

 

Seonghwa dropped his head. “It’s okay. I understand,” he said. “The only thing we can do for him is be there for him, look out for him.”

 

“Can you push me closer to him?” Wooyoung asked through a tight throat. It dawned on him how severe the situation was and that he could be losing Yeosang. That he could be losing his friend.

 

Seonghwa walked around the bed back to Wooyoung. He pushed his wheelchair forward and Wooyoung could just hold Yeosang’s hand with his left hand.

 

“Please wake up Yeosang. They need a hero and I can’t do the job. Please wake up so you can be our hero.”

 

 

 

 

Seonghwa had brought him back to his hospital bed where he was subjected to several tests. He had to give blood and was given more morphine than he had after gotten before. The nurse had to clean his wound at his shoulder and if it wasn’t for the morphine he would have blacked out from the pain.

 

Wooyoung asked Seonghwa where San was. He told Seonghwa he had seen him at his bedside when he woke up a day or two ago, but that he had fallen asleep again right away. Seonghwa told him that he had been here every day, but that he had been forced to go back to the job to talk about what happened. Seonghwa told him it was pure chaos at the police department and that the whole country was in a state of uproar. The news was airing on a loop as they kept showing footage of the attack that had been dubbed as a terrorist attack. As Wooyoung saw the footage, he was surprised to see that his team had to deal with two other gunmen who were shooting on the street outside of the club in Gangnam. It was a long and dreadful manhunt as several people on the streets were hit as well. There was no official casualty count, but they confirmed that there were at least 50 people dead on the scene. Hearing this sounded unreal to Wooyoung, even though he had been in the club and had seen the lifeless bodies on the floor.  

 

“I have to go back now as well,” Seonghwa said as he went to grab his jacket.

 

“But Seonghwa, what about everyone else? Are they okay?” Wooyoung asked. He had no idea what happened to his other colleagues and if they were okay.

 

Seonghwa rested a hand on his arm. “They are okay. Jongho has a broken arm, it happened when he busted down the door and they pushed the door close on him. The others are like me,” he held up his hand that had a bandage around it. “Minor scratches or just a bruised up body.”

 

“Are you sure everyone’s okay?” Wooyoung said, looking Seonghwa straight in the eyes. Seonghwa should know he meant something else.

 

“We are standing on our feet, Wooyoung. We have to be strong. We have to be strong for you and Yeosang, the rest comes later,” Seonghwa stared back into Wooyoung’s eyes as he tried to assure him. Wooyoung didn’t really buy it and Seonghwa saw. Suddenly Seonghwa moved forward and he kissed his forehead.

 

“We’ll get through it together.”

 

 

 

 

It was night when he woke up. He had noticed that someone had come in. He saw San sitting next to his bed. He was crying.

 

“San,” Wooyoung said, reaching out with his good arm.

 

San was surprised and he stood up to approach him and to hold his hand. “Wooyoung! You’re finally awake,” he said through a tight throat. “I’m so sorry, Wooyoung. I’m so so sorry.” He clasped his hand with both his hands and he brought them to his forehead as he whimpered.

 

“San, what are you sorry for?” Wooyoung asked alarmed.

 

San looked up at him and Wooyoung saw his red eyes and the dark circles under it. San’s eyes darted over his body. “I’m sorry about this. I’m sorry about everything.”

 

“Don’t be sorry for that, it’s not your fault,” Wooyoung said, feeling the tears pricking behind his eyes as he saw San cry.

 

“But… It means that…” he was stumbling over his words. He knew what he was trying to say. He meant to say that his career was over, that he could never return to the job.

 

“It means that I can no longer be a police man,” Wooyoung said, trying to keep his cool and not tear up.

 

San was biting his lips. “I… I wish I could say it was different. You cannot return to the Special Operations Unit.” San barely got it out of his mouth.

 

Wooyoung turned his head. Hearing San say it felt like a knife to the heart and it took every inch of his being not to burst in tears. San was clawing at his hand, trying to find Wooyoung in a body that wasn’t capable to respond.

 

“I have talked with the police department. They are willing to give you my position at my old job. They said it was the least they could do for everything that you have done during the attack,” San wiped away his tears, trying to make Wooyoung feel better with his words.

 

“Everything I have done? I don’t understand why everyone is praising me for it,” Wooyoung said as he turned to look into San’s eyes again. “You know why I did it San.”

 

The look that he and San exchanged confirmed that only San could know what he meant by that. During the attack, Wooyoung had responded in the way he did because it came natural to him. He had shot the gunmen, feeling excited as he put the bullets in their chest. San had witnessed him taking down a man, he witnessed how he played with him and gave him mercy only after he stopped protesting. Wooyoung was capable of doing what San desired he could do. The violence San looked for, was in him.   

 

San nodded slowly. Wooyoung inhaled slowly. “Maybe it’s for the better if I don’t return to the special units. You have seen the rampage I have went on. I don’t think I should be doing that again,” Wooyoung showed San half a smile.

 

“I wish you had a choice Wooyoung, I took that choice away from you,” San said. He dropped his head and he leaned back slightly. “I’m sorry Wooyoung,” he finally said, sounding more sincere than ever. He looked up at Wooyoung. “I wish I had come to you before the attack. But I am weak.”

 

Right. After everything that had happened, Wooyoung had almost forgotten about what had happened between him and San before everything went down. He had made San a proposal, that he should tell the department that he had lied to them or that Wooyoung would do it himself and he would leave. He had given San one week to think about it. He had never come to him and Wooyoung had given up the idea that San ever loved him.

 

“I wish I had done things differently,” San started. He clasped Wooyoung’s hand tighter. “I wish I could turn back time, so I could have made this decision before you ended up in this hospital bed.”

 

Wooyoung saw how San started to fidget with his pocket to retrieve something from it. Then he realized what he was doing. “No San! That’s ridiculous, that doesn’t make sense-”

 

San dropped his badge in Wooyoung’s hand. “I am resigning.”

 

“No- Why? Please don’t do that San. Tell them you’re staying,” Wooyoung pushed the badge back to San, shocked by San’s sudden move.

 

“It is already done. I already handed in my weapons,” San said.

 

Wooyoung shook his head frantically. “But it doesn’t matter anymore, because I will not return to the job, so you should stay.”

 

“It does matter Wooyoung,” San said, looking up into his eyes. He pushed the badge back into Wooyoung’s hands. “I’m leaving the job, because I love you.”

 

Wooyoung was flustered. He didn’t know what to say. He held the badge in his hand, knowing that the badge resembled San’s love for him. San had never lied to him, he had always told him the truth. He really did love him. Overcome with emotions, the tears streamed down his face.

 

“I’m sorry San. It was wrong of me to make you choose,” Wooyoung said through his tears.

 

San moved forward and wiped the tears from his face. “I deserved it.”

 

The pain throughout Wooyoung’s body was intense. But he could bear it, because the warmth that started to bloom inside of him wiped away all his sorrow. He loved San. He loved him.

 

“I love you,” Wooyoung said. San looked up at him and his face changed. A tear rolled down his face.

 

“Do you?” San moved closer and he brought his hand up to Wooyoung’s face. He gently grabbed his chin and pressed a salty kiss on his lips. “Because I am violently in love with you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot begin to say how thankful I am to all of you. 
> 
> I never imagined that this story would be as long or as intense as it would get. Neither did I imagine that I would have readers beside my friend, who I wrote this story for. But you guys pushed me and you guys motivated me to continue this story and make it the best that I could make it. 
> 
> I want to thank my friend @petrovacharm for cheering me on and motivating me to post this story on Ao3. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have had the courage to do so.  
> Furthermore I want to thank everyone who commented and left lovely messages both here on Ao3 and on twitter.  
> I also want to thank those who have just read this story and continued reading it week by week. I see every little kudo and view and it means alot <3
> 
> Now I hope you guys have enjoyed this story. It sure was a long ride. This story has ended, but there are things that need further explanation, I do realize that. So as a final surprise to you all... This story will have a sequel. Follow me on twitter [incarnato_](https://twitter.com/incarnato_) to see updates on this sequel or keep checking my account on here to see that this story will soon be part of a series. I love you all <3
> 
> TO BE CONTINUED


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